If it is severe depression, it feels like the worst hangover you could ever imagine – one that doesn’t get better with a bloody mary at breakfast. A permanent heavy duty hangover.
Depression to me is like being lost in the forrest. It is dark, cold, lonely, scary and menacing. The fog that settles over it in the dark is smothering as a wet wool blanket. The edge of night is as close as your hand but yet as far away as the farthest star, and then it breaks. Peace settles overhead for a while and gives us a break but then we stumble back into the depth again and quickly and easily lose our way.
depression is a feeling that i want to get rid of, but right now, i dont know how.
its like a dense fog and persistantly cold and rainy weather that feels like there no hope of lifting.
i feel like i’m at the bottom of the world’s largest mountain and i somehow have to get to the other side. but i have lead boots and i’ve been awake for days
its like knowing there’s a giant tidal wave approaching as i trduge along a grey beach and i’m going to get swept out to the bottom of the black sea.
its like trying to walk through waist high cement
its frustrating and overwhelming. i feel incapicitated by simple chores like laundry and dishes that dont get done for weeks on end. like i’m some sort of invalid.
its a daily battle to get a shower, put on clothes and get to work and school. i feel like i deserve an award just for the herculean effort it took to show up to class. then i feel awful when i haven’t done my homework again. i am frightened by the university and i want to hide from the buildings and the professors who i feel have to despise me by now. no one wants to hear the excuses. they’ve heard them all before. crack the whip.
i dont like myself much these days
i want this feeling to go away.
Depression is like being in a dark curved tunnel, there is just a hint of light ahead but no matter how far you move forward you never seem to fully see the light.
I feel like I am just “going through the motions” of an empty and devoid life. I am falling in a bottomless hole without the knowledge or power to escape the relentless gravitational pull. And the darkness …. man …. I can’t “see” a thing.
Depression feels like everything else in the world is right, and you are wrong. There is a constant feeling of uselessness, like there is no purpose for you in the world, other than any thing negative.
It feels as if I am drowning, constantly struggling for air, struggling to come up to the surface and have just another breath of fresh air. And when I do, it comes as a relief – my brain and body receive the needed oxygen. But this relief is so ephemeral because soon that breath of air is not enough, and I have to keep struggling to get another one. And with each time I am growing more and more tired and I am afraid that soon I will have to give up. It’s not that I don’t want to live – I do; it’s just that my strength capacity is very limited.
It feels like being close to madness but never being able to make sure which side of “the sanity line” you are standing on. Giving consent to insanity seems like a solution but it also feels like weakness. Depresion (or, Melancholia) is a constant situation of “in-betweenness”.
Depression is the feeling of hopelessness, feeling useless and worthless…and when you’re depressed all you want is for it to just go away, no matter how. I would do anything and everything to end my depression…and that is the scariest part of it.
It’s when I can’t get myself out of bed in the mornings, when I can’t eat or sometimes I even overeat, it’s when I don’t enjoy the things I used to and it’s when every day I struggle with myself just to survive the day until it’s night and then the whole thing starts all over again, it’s when I can’t concentrate or have no control over my thoughts, it’s when I start thinking irrationally, when I start blaming myself or feeling endless guilt for no reason at all…that is how I feel when I am depressed.
Depression is hell. I used to enjoy life immensely and I was a very talkative person. Now, I sometimes wish that I would not wake up in the morning. It would be one way to end the pain. Something just feels off or wrong but it is difficult to describe exactly what that is. I have become socially isolated and just feel empty. Nothing I do gives me any joy and I almost feel helpless. I feel slowed down mentally.
Depression is like a cold darkness descending upon you. You feel scared and lonely. You have thoughts, that people do not care about you. It rob me this year from my teaching job. Depression is like total darkness robbing your energy.
It surrounds me and consumes me, smothering my will to live with the urge to destroy myself. There have been times in my life when I’ve felt better, but I’ve always lived in fear that it will return… and each time it gets worse. I feel like it has become a miserable, inseparable part of who I am.
depression feels like being trapped underwater, and trying to grow gills by sheer force of will. and at the same time being painfully conscious of the fact that it’s damn near impossible. and we’re supposed to ‘think’ our way better, to think positive. but if thinking is my disease, and my brain is sick and can’t be trusted then… how? i just chase my tail until i’m so tired i want to throw up. depression feels like a death sentence; once you’ve gone through all the medications and therapies, all there is to do is wait to die.
Deppression is like being on the edge of despair….
It is as the snapping of twigs…thin, brittle, crisp with intent.
A slightness of pressure, brief hesitation, then sharp crackling bits are pummeled, wedging slivers deep into the emptiness.
Depression is like everyone else in the world has disappeared and you are left all alone..and their is nothing you can do to change things…their is no one to listen and no one to care.
Depression is like getting lost in the wood with no way to find your way out. You walk and walk and everything looks the same. All you feel is dispair.
I get so tired everyday trying to figure out what my real feelings are!!! Who am I? Am I still in love with my boyfriend of six years? Is this what my life is supposed to feel like? I get different feelings all through out the day. I don’t know where to turn. My therapist tells me stop trying to figure things out. I try not to read into things. But sometimes I can’t help it. I don’t knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
Depression feels like a circle of guilt, worthlessness, inability, weakness, and fear. All wrapped up in silence and fog. You don’t function like you used to, you can’t think like you used to, you can’t participate like you used to and you let down those depending on you like they used to. You live in a circle of fear and guilt and your brain constantly reminds you that you no longer measure up and there’s no point in trying anymore. An endless circle of failure.
I feel nothing good… only emptiness, pain and guilt. It seems as though I am merely existing not living. I question everything I say and do…like I am not sure how I should be. I am constantly letting those I care about down…does that mean I don’t care for them. Depression makes me feel so self-involved and yet I don’t even want to think about myself. I don’t like who I am.
its like your trapped in a glass box of saddness. All you can do is watch everyone else around you living as you are trapped. Trapped there wishing you had what they have. Wanting to be truley alive and not stuck in theses motions. You are numb but feel pain at the same time. You feel like giving up but still want. You are alive but not living.
I have lived with depression for many years.
somtimes I have racing thoughts and I can not get them out of my head. I feel as though I can’t sleep, and I stay up all night. I feel as though I cannot move and so any thing. I feellike a loser, that every thing I worked for is not good, and that I am a faluier. But I pray and know that God will save me when I am in my right mind.
But there is other times when I am made at God.
I shouldnt be though. He is the savior and he will save us.
I am a ghost trapped in my own body that refuses to die. For over ten years now i have felt so empty inside except for the pain that lets me know im still alive. My throat feels as if a hand is clinched around it. My stomach is always in knots. My thoughts are often cloudy and it clears only to become crushing anxiety. My suppossed friends try to help me with very empty advice. They mean well, but in their ignorance it seems they do more harm than good. If I didn’t know better I’d think they were out to destroy me. Ten years without counciling, fearing the Ministry and Head Shrinkers (turn me into helpless sheep or use me like a guinnee pig)….. don’t trust anyone in my weakened state. After all, ain’t I supposed to be handle this on my own? And if I can’t… so what. The world will go on with out me……. it has for over ten years now.
Total hopelessness even if there is no reasoning.
Icouldnt funtion normaly.stop eating, total sadness, feeling know one will know why or understand you or what your going trough because of the no reasoning.a silincnt crying, senivtive heart rate, worthless, didnt mater if I died.
most of the time this pain gose and comes back in your live. BUT, there is hope …….really.
Even if you dont belive it there is light after the darkness.JESUS as save me life .And has help me undertand the reasoning of things of life .
I hope I can reach out to people and help them unlike no human has not done for me.
P.S.”somethimes you have to remind your self life is hard for a reason beacuse youre important, the point is that it is the “Evil”’s job is to attack you to get you off the right track.”
This is what is ture to me. if you what to ask me anything I will be glad to help. write me at:melissa963@bellsouth.net.
I want to be back to what and who I was; yet I don’t even remember what or who I used to be anymore, much less the way to get there. Confusion about everything in my life. There is nothing clear, just darkness. Making a simple decision can be overwhelming and feels like failure is always knocking at my door! Sleep, sleep, sleep. Can’t work, can’t think. Am I just lazy? Am I using depression as an excuse, when all I am is a lazy bum? I am such a dumb person! Embarrassment. Do I love my wife, do i love anyone in my life anymore? If I do? Why do I not even want to sustain a conversation with any of them? So many questions, so many doubts, so many fears…..I am slowly dying!!!!!!
I suffered for 25 years with repeat bouts of major depression until my wife gave me an ultimatum: get help of I go. It was the hardest thing I’d ever done…It saved my life. It has been over ten years since I started seeing a therapist and getting medical help. It hasn’t always been easy. My life is leaps and bounds better now than it was before. I feel a whole new sense of purpose and life. I feel a will within me I didn’t know existed. I know all of you can feel good, just keep fighting and it will happen.
Like I’m blank. I feel nothing for the things I used to like and the people I used to love. I just want to run away and hide somewhere but I know that it will still be with me, following me everywhere. I can’t get away from it.
Neither extreme just slight emotions. Just wait for the good morning/day if you’re lucky week to come along. Waiting. Dreams seem so distant. Snap back to reality then, off you go again…
To me my depression has been a constant battle to maintain productivity in my life. I am 32 yrs old now and once had so many friends I couldn’t decide who to see. Now I am alone, I hide away , so noone sees my pain. I feel like a loser and I tell myself everyday. People think I have it all. Inside , I pray for my death. Everyday , I ask God to take me from this earth. I am distant and can no longer love. My family misses the old me, who always smiled. My life is over, I feel useless. I can never think clearly, so learning is a chore. I feel noone likes me, and I don’t blame them. I am awful, full of jealousy. I wish for a clear mind and the bounce out of bed to start my day. I am in Sales and I am fading out to nothing. I can’t make money because, I hide from everyone. I am ashamed of what I have become.
I have been battling depression on and off for some time, and things were going well for the better part of a few years. One year ago, I unexpectedly lost my Mother. She had Liver Serosis and kept her illness silent from all family and friends right up until her death. Shortly after her death, I experienced a horrific end to a 2 year relationship I was in. Since then, my mental health has continued to decline and at only 20 years old, I have hit rock bottom.
Im unable to experience the same feelings I used to. Nothing motivates me or puts enthusiasm into my soul anymore, not even music (which has been my passion since 10 years old). Every day is the same. I constantly feel lonely and hopeless longing to be the compassionate and genuinely happy person that the world once knew.
I have become a very different person over the past year. I think far too much, and always negative. I constantly worry about every little thing in my life. I am often unable to carry on a conversation for longer than half a minute without feeling or thinking awkward. People often tell me Im not the person they once knew.
I remember when I used to light up the room I was in. People would enjoy my company, invite me to be their company, think highly of me. Now, Im very irritable and feel as though I annoy alot of people. I have definitley become someone else and the change has been drastic and very noticeable.
I dont even know what Im doing any more. I am so confused even just typing this stuff. I dont know why Im saying this. I cant even find the right words to say.
I constantly re-think what Im doing before I even take action against something. For example, if Im writing poetry, I’ll scrap the entire poem before it’s even half way done.
I must sound like the biggest idiot in the world. Im just going to go before I make myself look any worst. I really hope one day I see the sun again. I know I cant just wait for it and I have to do something, but Im not sure where to start. And if I do decide to start and take action to make progress, I fear I will only be let down because I will fail miserably and sink even lower.
i feel as though i have been running from this “thing” and somehow i always end up having to face it again. Like i am running down a one way road in the wrong direction. i confine myself in my room at home and rarely ever feel like going out. i have been fighting depression for about 7 years now. it has been a long battle and most of the time i feel as though i am fighting it alone. It has affected my schooling and at a point, I actually had to withdraw from school. things like this shouldn’t have to happen to anyone, much less a teenager whom is supposed to have their whole life ahead of them. there is no point in it. i feel like screaming just so everyone can know how i feel. people tell me just to “snap-out” of it but its not something you can just get over. i get so frustrated with my mother and then i always feel so bad because she has been the only one that has supported me through all of this. i honestly dont know what i would have done without her in my life.
Depression is like a dark cloud hanging over my head. It’s like an impending doom that i KNOW is coming, and i can feel it coming closer each time i smile… and then, when it hits, it hurts to smile… it hurts to laugh… all the things i care about become burdens, and i just wanna give up… i would love to just sleep all the time, but the guilt and embarrassment of it gets me out of bed each day. It takes all i have when im down just to take my meds before bed, and to say i love you to my girlfriend when i get to talk to her… when im down it is as if the bright future i have is unattainable, and no matter HOW i try to think of it, my mind convinces me im lying to myself and that i’d be better off dead… depression is being a zombie. Depression is having your soul taken out and becoming a tool… when im depressed i curse God… why don’t i run to Him? because im weak, and i feel like He doesnt want to bother with a weakling like me… although i know i cannot pull myself out… depression is waking up every day knowing im already dead. but, i know i can AND WILL beat depression… and im working hard to do so…
Depression is like living in a glass cage that only you can see. You scream and scream but no one reaches out to help, because they can’t see that you’re all alone. You pray every night that God will take you painlessly away. But you hate him…because you know he won’t. So you plan to end it all, knowing that this pain will never leave. And all along, all you want is to be held and know that there will be a happy ending to your screams. How will it end? I still don’t know…
Depression confuses me.
I feel worthless,unmotivated, and less valuable -ever moving is a pool of thick sadness. I’ve lost interest in work, wife, and friends. I don’t know if my depression is a just reaction to my laziness, insensitivity and worthlessness or the other way around. And this confusion depresses me further.
death it all leads to you. Life lived in awe or maybe spent in torment. Either way it all leads to you, DEATH. Noone knows how i feel and about how lonely it is to be all alone, my youth was stolen by guilt, my adulthood taken by coweredness. Life seems so simple as the wathcer. But as the years drifed by as I quickly became an adult, Life didn’t seem any longer so simple. Words hurt you. No matter where you go they will always remain. You may try to hide how much words really hurt you, but i guess others are just better at hiding. A failure in everyones eyes and they are not afraid to say so. The words that escape their lips tear through your heart as if it were made of tissue paper. Noone knows how it feels to be numb because you haven’t given the chance for anyone to unlease emotion. Noone sees the painful tears that hide behind these eyes. Noone sees the unpleasent frown of a lonely hurt person. Noone sees me i am invisable. So life will you spear me and uncleance me from this suffering.
Depression seems to be getting worse as I get older. I’ve been seeing doctors for over 16 years and have tried a lot of medication. I’m hopeful that I will find the medication that will finally help me.
I really feel that depression has held me back from all of my dreams. Who am I? It seems that I get that figured out and then for no reason, I must keep asking that question.
Its like everything is on top of you all the time but when you try to reach up and do something it slides away, and you can’t touch anyone or feel anyone like you know you should. The worst part is knowing you shouldn’t feel like this, knowing it could be better, that actually the world is great, but all you can feel is the bleakness and the fear.
And so tired, so damn tired of everything, its all so hard, every movement take a lifetime, every though goes in circles, but you can’t sleep because you do go in circles ad you are afraid, of what might come, of waking in the morning and finding the world still there, of having to talk to people of just being.
Depression…is like not being able to feel anything or think of anything, except for the present…and how much it sucks because it seems nothing will rid of the sadness in the future. Nothing feels like it’s happening, everyone around you seems like they’re ignoring you. You lose everything that made you happy…things that you can still do don’t make you happy anymore, even the things that helped you escape the reality that already felt like torture everyday. Sometimes, I wish that the world would just…blow up, or at least take a break, to stop everything for a while. It feels like the small problems just get bigger…and all you feel like is staying in your room and crying forever.
Depression feels like walking naked down a narrow hallway that has shards of glass sticking out that cut your skin as you make your way through. It is gut-wrenching pain and loneliness where even when a best friend is attempting to console you, you feel nothing.
“If a woman is to write fiction “, said Virginia Wolf, “she must have money and a room of her own”.
I was composing one of my gloomiest poems when I was diagnosed to have a Severe Major Depression illness. I called it “a hell of my own”. At my early days of depression, I had no idea of how far it can take me and somehow in the tip of my heart I liked that hell. I would rather to sit at the darkest corner of the hell and grieve over my lost years. Some times I used to enjoy whispering parts of my dead poem over and over:
Tonight a cold breeze,
which smells like camphor,
will chill my bones.
And I will wash my sad songs in its humidity.
And will leave my homeless dandelions to its frozen fingers.
Then, I will lie down beyond the winter
So calm
So peaceful
Hey! All the owls of cemeteries on the earth!
Sing to me your lullabies.
And hey you!
The Cold Breeze!
I will turn to a petunia
Whiter than petunias in a hospital
With my eyes: wide open,
Surprised by the glory of winter
Waiting for you in a wooden box
Take me!
Take me to the land of impossible plants
Sow me there
Where pain is just a legend
And grieve is just a tale
I will bud
I will grow leaves
I will blossom:
“A blue lily
In Never Land!”
I knew nothing about the complexity of humans mind. How sophisticated is our perception of the world. Swirling through a dark tunnel, surrounded by a shadow of confusion and anxiety, I went and went. I was almost hospitalized when I realized I could not go on like that any more. It was dreadful. I remember those terrifying hours in which any moment was a burden, staying at bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking of a way to suicide.
Becoming social withdrawal is a common symptom of people with depression. For the social passive person I have always been; it was more noticeable. I used to be a passionate person for literature. I used to love reading poetry books, listening to music. During my blue days I could not stand listening to a song. I wanted to stay in the silent darkness where I was forgotten by every body: no song, no human being. My attitude toward people was so distorted: “those ridiculous people who hate me!” In fact, before my depressive illness I had few friends and after that I had no friend. I was angry at people, at the whole world and at myself, the weak person who I was. Furthermore, people around me kept saying “do not be so week and emotional. You are the one who can save yourself. Just say to yourself that you do not want to be depressed any more. Snap out of it. Go and have fun.”
I was so tired all the time, had no appetite and I hardly could manage to sleep for a horrible nightmare I had: I was standing lonely in a deserted area where was filled with dead birds; icy wind was blowing on my face. The cloudy dark sky was too close to the earth. It was like end of the world. I hated to put my feet on the birds but I had no choice.
Given so many terrible feelings, I had to work on my PhD thesis what is tough even for a person in normal condition of mind. I had lost my concentration ability, my ability to think and infer clearly and also my memory.
Depression feels like always walking through thigh-high mud. It feels like being lost alone in the dark hallways of my mind and having only a little window through which I can see the sunshine and the lives of other people. Colors loose their intensity, joy is always muted. I want to hide away in my house from all the people, because it is so much trouble acting normal in public; no slow slumping walk or crying allowed there. Depression feels like none of my talents, skills, and accomplishments matter. Somehow I am not as good as other people. I want to sleep and sleep and sleep, even though I know what beautiful things I might be missing during those hours of blessed oblivion.
Right now I have a situational depression on top of major depressive disorder. If it weren’t for medication and an unassuming, pleasant, and caring doctor (and how very rare those are!!) I would be dead.
A series of life’s tragedies set me in this very dark state of mind. Two divorces, two to three jobs at once, working single Mom, business that I owned burned to the ground, Dad dies unexpectedly and on and on. I have always been the strong one in the family but now I realize that I am no longer strong. Thoughts of death and ending the misery are a constant companion and a daily struggle to deal with. What is a good nights sleep? What is a happy dream instead of nightmares? What is enjoying life and activities when all I feel is the need to work (which I now hate with a passion) or things would not be any good at all? Depression robs you of life. Plain and simple.
I make an extreme effort not to fill, but I can’t. I fill helpness, I fill alone, I worry about everything, I am ashamed of myself. Why nobody sees how much I suffer? Why nobody take care of myself?
I want to die. It is so pathetic, I write this letter because I fill so lonely that I seek for help in my computer.
It is hard for me to wake up in the morning. I look at the clock hoping that the day will end, and another day comes on and on. And every day the same. I would like to sleep for the rest of my life.
I don’t want to fill anymore. It is extremely painfull.
What does it feel like? It feels like a shot of Novacaine straight to your brain. Numb. Things that normally make you happy are nothing all of a sudden. You don’t want to smile. You don’t want to wake up. You see no NEED to wake up. Every single day is like the day before. Like that movie Groundhog Day with Bill Murray. Nothing makes you happy. You cry every day for no damn reason. You just want it all to end. You find yourself thinking of the most painless way of ending it all. Bunch of pills? Maybe. Razor? Hey, it’ll only hurt five or seven minutes and then you just go to sleep. Big deal. A few minutes of discomfort and it’s all over with. It feels like you have been forgotten by GOD. The Almighty Most Merciful God has just been too busy with other crap that He’s just forgotten about ya’. You wake up, do what you HAVE to do, go to sleep and do it all over again. It sucks. What the hell is the sense of waking up? Hey, if I do myself in, at least someone who needs a job more than I do will get one because I won’t be there. Therefore, I’ll be serving a purpose. I’m trying and crying.
I would also like to say, now that I’m done rambling on about myself, that if you logged on to this site, you need help. I know, myself, that’s it’s hard to find help. No one to talk to, no insurance for professional help, whatever. It’s not easy. Look. I cope by, unfortuneately, crying and alcohol every damn night. Don’t like it but if I didn’t do it, I definitely would not be here as of two years ago. Logging on and venting DOES help. That’s why I did it. It DOES help to just get out what you feel. Even if you don’t get a response. I keep on trucking because of a very loving wife and two step kids who love me. Without me, they got nothing. My advice to you? Find someone who finds you necessary and cling on to them. It just might be your ticket to hanging on a little while longer until you get the help you need. What I just said is not the miracle thing. It’s just what’s keeping me from folding my hands and ending the game.
to anonymous who wrote on April 17 @12:20 am if you are reading this I want you to know that I am going through the same thing. Everything that you are discribing, I am and was going through. But I could not seem to describe anything so I give you alot of credit for that. My days are getting better. A month ago I changed my medication and things are becoming brighter. Just hold on and things will get better for you. I am 23 years old and have been depressed for 2 years. It has almost ruined my relationship and my life. I hope that you will be strong!!!!!!!!
i feel nothing, you try to objectify why you feel this way, what in your life is so wrong and when you come up with nothing whatso ever you feel horrible. you feel guilty for having what many would think is a privillidged life and being unable to appreciate that because all you can think about is how much of huge stinking load your life has become. you are your own worst enemy, trapped in a prison of flesh you long for release in any way.nothing feels right, i cant even go to university most days coz im terriffied of life. i feel so isolated, no one will talk to me. i wait for the day i can smile again but it will never come. i cant fix this.
Its hard.. but i keep going cuz i know it’ll end soon.. it does for everyone, except the people who commit suicide, if they’d would have held on longer they’d be fine.. Work with me everyone, and never give up.. never surrender, to depression.
“a million zeros, unfortunately, do not add up to one.” -carl jung
one word: void. it is a total lack, an obliterating nothingness, it is less than zero, it is numbness and cold. i thought maybe ‘vacuum’ could describe it, but the word vacuum implies the sucking in and dispelling of, a vacuum implies that substance exists. the void knows nothing of substance, it knows nothing of color, texture, or shape. this void doesn’t merely exist within, it encompasses all, it changes the fabric and nature of all matter, cells, and DNA around it.
those who have never experienced this, who look at you aghast that you could even suggest suicide, have never visited hell.
I guess that zionxin said it best. that is exactly how I’ve been feeling for a long time now, only I didn’t know how to describe it. The bad thing is…everything is getting worse. I cut myself for the first time yesterday. All I want to do is sleep. I think about suicide, but I’m too scared to actually kill myself. So I sleep. I dropped out of college 2 days ago, now I feel like a worthless lump of person…no, not person…I’m too numb to feel like a person today…my parents don’t understand. They say that I am only upset because god is punishing me for living a life of sin. The only relationship that I have ever had is falling to pieces. He has been patient with me for 2 and a half years, but he is starting to get burned out. I don’t think he wants to deal with me anymore…with all of my crying fits and irrational jealousy and crazy emotions. If I lose him I don’t know what I’ll do…yes I do. I’ll do it this time, I won’t chicken out. I’m not saying this to get pity from people…don’t get me wrong. It just feels good to say these things out loud (kindof). humph…this is the first thing that’s felt good in a long time.
i have been depreesed for 14 yrs im now 28 ,i cry all the time and hate my life ,although i have a beautiful 5 yr old boy ,i much wonder if he would be better without me ,but that thought makes me cry i never had parents and i dont want the same for him,meds are nice but they never work ,i wish they would ,i cant remeber ever being awake ,happy,or even a bit excited i hate it i wish i could change it all,especially for my son !
I’m still not sure if what I feel is depression. Every so often I feel like someone comes and puts a big heavy blanket on me. I do feel really bad at times but is it depression?
I’ve self harmed for about a year and not been able to talk to people much in person for over 3 years now. For a lot of the time I have wanted to kill myself and end this pain I feel.
I do have happy moments but even when I’m trying to improve I fall right back again.
My parents ask why I am doing this to them then forget me and focus back on my sister.
At the moment I can barely even make myself go to school. It’s 4 days back after the Easter holiday and I’ve had to have a day off so I can continue and hopefully get through my exams.
There are lots of people I talk to over the internet and have deep respect for – but I feel inadequate next to them.
People tell me I’m clever and I’ll be okay but I just knew deep inside it could be the next lesson or the next exam that I’m going to burst out and cry and scream.
My school know about my self harming and didn’t take it seriously. When I was taken out a lesson crying before they took me away and told me how emotionally strong I am usually.
Depression is an insidious vacuum that crawls into your brain and pushes your mind out of the way. It is the total absence of rational thought. You are left with a dangerous, horrifying, terrifying fog wafting throughout whatever is left of your mind.
I don’t really know if I have depression, but it sure as hell feels like it. I have no desire to do anything,I just want to sleep forever or just a little while.
I feel as if no one would understand, I don’t even know how to explain it. I feel as if something is just not right, one minute i am raging mad, next minute I am wondering why I was mad, then I am sad because I can’t understand why I was even mad. I am constantly snapping at my husband, and the littlest things make me cry.
I am wondering why all of us do not understand that we are important to someone out there. We ALL have someone who loves us dearly and would miss us if we were gone. The world today gives us the message that “things” are disposable. That message haunts us all.
“You” are not a “thing” that is disposable. You are valuable and loved. Never, never, never give up!! Fight for yourself, you are worth it. YOU make a difference in someones life.
They say we can get well IF we hang in there? I’m not too sure about that! Depression..wandering in chaos and not understanding why. Confusion and empty feelings and yet so uncontrollable. No one seems to understand or they don’t ‘want’ to. It’s self hatred that one has been robbed of a ‘normal’ life IF there is one. Feelings of desperation to the point that one just wants to die and I want to die now. I hate myself.. No one understands….everyone looks at me like I’m odd or not human and no one wants to get close to me…worse than any physical illness! I hate depression..I hate life! I hate myself. I don’t fit in anywhere and they say I ‘can’ get better? I don’t think so…I do need an escape.
Depression to me is like a blanket of death. You feel you are just existing. Most of the time wondering why.You know what you want to do, such as clean your house or a room or do this or that and you picture what it would look like when you are done and how proud you would be. But you just dont have the energy to get up and do so you sit all day on the couch just sulking. You dont like it and you watch the clock all day. Ok you say I still have a couple of hours and before you know it its night you dont even have the energy or the want to to get up and eat. Or to cook for a husband whose been at work all day and you pass out. You wake up the next day shaking and feeling tense and have your coffee and immediatly take a pill to calm your nerves. Sometimes it works most times it doesnt. You want to stop it so bad. I keep saying to myself stop it. I want me back. Where did I go. Now I wonder if I’ll ever come back I egnore the phone 90% of the time. You just dont want to be botherd and when you are it angers you. You just want to crawl somewhere and be alone. You lose interest in everything. You tend to be mean to those who love you. In my case its my husband, he was a bad alcoholic for yrs and I cant get over that so now when he comes home I engnore him. I have nothing to say even if he comes in with flowers or something for me to cheer me up I am mean to him. I tell him just leave me alone. Even when you should be on top of the world your at the bottom of the totum pole. You just plain dont want to be bothered. Your house goes to pot. You dont want to clean. You dont want to go anywhere just sit on the couch all day with the TV on and most of the time its on mute and you stare and wonder, what the heck is going on. What do I have to do to get rid of this? Ive tried so many anti-depressants to no avail, Where do you turn? Theres no one who really understands, they all think your just being lazy. Anyone else like this please let me know Im not alone. Email me. Lenda788@aol.com. I am open to any suggestions. I have been clinically depressed for a lot of yrs now. Things have happened as they do in life and have just added to it. Something as got to be done Im almost at my wits end. My husband comes home for work and I just want him to go away. My kids will stop by and most of the time I just want them to go away. The house is a disaster so I dont want them seeing it anyway. What do you do? People dont understand its not like an on and off switch you can cut on and off otherwise there would be no such illness. Everyone would keep it off. I know I would. My husband says when I tell him I start shaking when I wake up or when he comes home and he just says well dont do that. I try to explain you cant just turn it off. Lord I wish I could. Im so tired of it. Its a dark cloud over you constantly its like a demon trying to take you to the dark side. Its like feeling you dont want to be alive anymore, why be here if you are going to be this way, but not being here would hurt the kids. Its like a tidal wave that just swoops you away and just when you think you may come up for air it comes again and again and again. You start to take medicine, then you find yourself taking more and more and more just to try and make it through the day or to make you feel better for just a little while. But it doesnt work. Its reaching out for help, getting it and getting discouraged because it does not do no good. All you want is life back. You wonder will it ever be the same. It hurts to smile. I have anxiety or panic attacks all the time. I cant be around my grandkids to long at a time because of it. I dont want to rely on xanax the rest of my life but what do you do. And the Celexa is not working anymore. I have a new 6 week old grandson to ad to the other 3 I already have, I should be on top of the world and Im looking for a new better place to live. But none of it really matters. Im so depressed that I cant enjoy the things I should. Please someone tell me what do I do? Im lost, Im confused, most of all Im depressed and paniced out. Im afraid to fall alsleep at night wondering what the next day will bring.
You feel empty. Yet overflowing with emotions. At the same time.
You hate yourself. You hate living. You hate everything. Everything you do seems wrong. You feel jinxed. Like you can never do right. But you should. You have to be perfect. But there is no chance of that ever happening.
You dont care about anything yet everything matters so much. So much it hurts.
You feel pathetic and guilty because really there is nothing to be upset over.
You feel like youre going insane.
You feel so alone even with millions of people all around you.
You feel sad all the time. You have to hide it though. You cant show anyone how weak you are.
You cry all the time. Sometimes for no reason. Break down everytime you are alone. Then wipe the tears and put on the smile again.
You feel so tired all the time. Not just tired. Totally drained of all energy. Typing this is tiring me out.
You get headaches and stomachaches all the time.
You feel cut off from the world.
You feel so hopeless. Like you will always be like this. Your life will always be this constant struggle for happiness.
You want to be happy more then anything yet you just cant. But theres another part of you. That feels secure being sad. Because when youre sad you cant be hurt.
You basically feel like hell.
And it builds up till you feel like you cant cope anymore. The pain is too much and there is no real reason to go on. You want to give in. But you cant because thats selfish. So you carry on. Carry on falling apart.
The worse thing is that you feel like your the only one feeling this pain and that you must have done something to deserve it,and how did you get so weak in the first place!
It must be one of the worse feelings in the world,and all you want do is get back to who you where,but how!
For those who don’t have it but want to know what it’s like, the best analogy I can come up with at the moment is trying to punch a hanging bedsheet. You hit it as hard as you can, but it barely moves, and it feels like you’re not really punching at all. Go ahead and try it. Make sure you get frustrated with yourself in the process, resulting in furious punches that do nothing but make you feel more and more worthless with every punch.
Far too many math lessons for my own good, but here it is: the graph. Plot it out and see what I mean:
everyone = sin(x), 0<x<360
me = (sin(x/2)-1)/2, 0<x<720
I really can’t say when I started feeling like this. I just knew something was wrong when all I would do is cry. (Can you believe that Sex & the City made me cry?) I would cry when I got to work at 7:30, at lunch, basically all the time. I couldn’t concentrate at work and finally started to have anxiety attacks. It was the hardest to go to work and try to not have your co-workers or boss think you were like “losing it” or a “weakling”. You feel alone in the world and no matter how close you are to your loved ones, (boyfriend, husband, friends, etc.) noone can help or understand what you are going through unless they have been through it. You slowly start to isolate yourself from friends and family. You don’t really recognize that you are depressed until it affects everything you do. Nothing satisfies you. I almost feel like a there was an old me and now the “new” depressed me. I try to remember how all this came about or when it all actually did; but I can’t. I guess the worst part is waiting to see when I will feel better. Hopefully soon! I pray that everyone who is in the same boat will get help. It is the worst feeling in the world. I don’t want to get up each morning; then when I do, I just want to lay there as the world passes me up.
Comment by christine sixteen — 4/27/2004 @ 12:55 am
It feels like …a hole inside. You can’t fill it.It feels so good to cry, so you do it a LOT. Sometimes, for no reason. You don’t really know why, you’re just…crying, all of a sudden. I’m so sad right now, that I can’t even cry, and I wish I could. 2 nights ago, I stayed up really late, and I was crying so hard that my kitties came over to me to see what was wrong. I just want to feel normal again. There WAS a time when I didn’t feel like this…why can’t I get back to it?
1)I feel completely numb, useless, empty, dead
2)I feel an unjustifiable sadness, an absolute hopelessness
It’s frustrating. Picture this: I feel like I am completely submerged under water, and I can see the glow of the sun on the surface. I want to get there. I want to breathe, I am struggling to swim towards the light, which cannot reach me through the depths. But, I can never get very far because I have weights attached to my ankles that keep bringing me back down, that require for overexertion to even lift them.
to everyone who has posted messages on this page, I really know exactly what it feels like. I have even seen my sister going through this. I am 20 yrs old and I know I am supposed to be a livewire going for parties and being asked out by boys and the like. But I feel so isolated. Everybody seems to just want me out of the mess that I am in. A year back I was a healthy happy person with no problems. I had hope for the future. Now I am just walking in this black tunnel and there is just no light at the end. Yes, even I think zionxin was absolutely right. At rare times I feel a glimmer of hope but I just cannot understand why I have to go through this. I just want to escape so badly. Forever. I feel so alone and I cant make any decisions for myself. I cry all the time. I have heard the phrase that if u r able to stop thinking abt happiness it might just happen. But I cant think of anything but that. In a way, I myself am just waiting for myself to get better. I just hope I helped you in realizing that u r really not the only chaotic disturbed one going through all these emotions.
It’s as if I am standing and looking out to the horizon and its gray, flat, featurless. I know that somewhere out there it ends, but where it ends makes no difference at all. It could be now, or it could be a long way off, it just doesn’t matter.
I know that there are people that love me, but from where I am, I can’t feel it, it might as well not exist for all the difference it makes. I am a failure at everything I have ever tried. Every friend or person who has depended on me, I have let down. They would have been better off had they never know me.
time just comes to a stand still. The whole world could be falling apart outside and you just won’t care.and no, time is not on your side, it wants you, it consumes you but you can’t do anything about it.and so apathy turns to anger turns to sadness, but you’d rather be mad than sad, at least not crying anymore,and when will it ever end. you just don’t care what happens. you want to change but just can’t start. where do you even begin to put your life into perspective, that’s just depressive in itself, and then to get overwhelmed by emotions, they are not supperessed, they are just coming out of nowhere, they are real, they exist for a reason,but who knows why, why do they have to be sad emotions?
make it go away is the only thing you can think, but you can’t and don’t see really when they ever will.
I have experienced depression in the past(during college) and it is a horrid thing to have to go through. I have read your above statements and I feel for each and everyone of you. I offer HOPE. There is hope out there. Seek help. Go to a doctor explain how you are feeling. Go talk to someone, repeatedly. There are ways out of depression and you WILL be a stronger but happy and healhy person. The woods are dark and deep but there is an end to it. The sun will shine again!
I am currently going through a period of depression with my husband. After 14 months I have finally nearly dragged him to the doctor and he has put on medication which he is taking. But he has decided that he no longer loves me and wants out. We have a 14 month old son and the last few months have been very hard. He doesn’t see what he is doing to the life we have built together. I have hope that the medication will begin to work and then perhaps I can convince him to see a counselor. I have now been the one depressed and the one that is a depressed person is lashing out against. It is emotionally draining for both of us and we have no idea what the future holds.
I send out hopes and thoughts to all of those that are hurting. Get help, it works and you will be happy once again!
I have experienced depression in the past(during college) and it is a horrid thing to have to go through. I have read your above statements and I feel for each and everyone of you. I offer HOPE. There is hope out there. Seek help. Go to a doctor explain how you are feeling. Go talk to someone, repeatedly. There are ways out of depression and you WILL be a stronger but happy and healthy person. The woods are dark and deep but there is an end to it. The sun will shine again!
I am currently going through a period of depression with my husband. After 14 months I have finally nearly dragged him to the doctor and he has put on medication which he is taking. But he has decided that he no longer loves me and wants out. He left last week. We have a 14 month old son and the last few months have been very hard. He doesn’t see what he is doing to the life we have built together. I have hope that the medication will begin to work and then perhaps I can convince him to see a counselor. I have now been the one depressed and the one that a depressed person is lashing out against. It is emotionally draining for both of us and we have no idea what the future holds.
I send out hopes and thoughts to all of those that are hurting. Get help, it works and you will be happy once again! I promise!
I haven’t been diagnosed as yet but reading others’ description, I am certain that I have a depressive illness. Its gets hold of me periodically and doesn’t let go for periods lasting upto a week or two. Its very difficult to actually express all the complex currents of thoughts that move through one’s mind during a period of depression. I have made an attempt here but it would at best be a partial description. Immediately after posting, I would feel that I missed mentioning many of my feelings.
During this time, the whole world seems like a cage where I feel trapped. As if some higher being is mocking at my helplessness and enjoying just as ancient Rome watched gladiators with the lions. Nothing at all seems worth doing and even the most basic effort seems to require a lot of effort. I feel as if by putting in effort, I am submitting to the demands of that higher being who initially put me in this wretched world. A sense of hopelessness and despair grips your mind and torrents of negative thoughts keep racing, thus putting immense pressure on your productivity.
As zionxin put it rightly, the more you think about it, the more you realize that there is no reason for your despair and this floods your mind with a guilty feeling, depressing you further. Your motivation dries up completely since you do not feel life is worth living ayway. Once this happens, even the most basic tasks appear to require a lot of effort. You always feel drained out and tired.
Suicidal thoughts cross your mind and if this appears extreme, sleep seems to be the only escape route. You just wish that the next morning never arrives. When it does arrive, you feel as if you have once again been thrown into the arena with the lions and just keep waiting for the day to end. You withdraw from friends and seem more comfortable being alone in a dark room with a blanket over your head. Your mind constantly reminds you that life is a punishment and that you would be cooperating with the punisher if you carry on existing. Every recreational activity seems to be like a lolliop held in front of a child, a ruse to make you forget the truth that life is actually a punishment.
Although you long to be happy once again, paradoxically you also feel a sense of security in your depressed state because you start feeling that you alone seem to have realized the true dark and ugly face of life while others still are somehow masked and oblivious to the reality.
As a solution, I have tried jotting down my thoughts and opinion of life during my normal days and then use them when depression strikes again to convince myself of the brighter side. This doesn’t seem to really work. I only end up convincing myself that I was somehow deluded or blind to the reality (like everyone else) when I wrote those positive thoughts.
i am depressing for many years, i am profoundly deaf. i cant feel any excting or push any intesting as i am most dont want any thing, i am narrow mind not freedom. please help me, i am not condifence.
I’m 25, have a physical disability, have never had a girlfroend, and have suffered from major depression for at least the last 10 years; probably longer if I really thought about it. to me, it feels like someone is constantly punching me in the stomach. There is such a feeling of emptiness amd lonliness that it’s absolutely sickening. I can be in a room full of people who I know full-well love me, and feel totally alone. It creates such a hollow empty feeling that the only release comes when I cry myself to sleep due to exhaustion. I want to throw up every time I look in the mirror, there aren’t words to describe how much I hate myself.
I feel guilty because my family and friends are all supportive, but it never seems to be enough. I’m so tired of pretending that I’m happy and that everything is ok. I don’t even want to know where I’ll be a year from now, hopefully dead, but I’m too scared to try to kill myself. I literally feel like I’ll never be good enough to be loved, and that scares me. I’ve pushed away people i care about because of an intense fear of rejection and even the few times I’ve tried to have relationships, they haven’t worked because I can’t trust the other person enough to believe that they actually want to be with me, and aren’t doing it out of pitty, or because they “feel bad for me”.
Depression has ruined so many aspects of my life, I have no idea why I’m even still here, it’s the most intense pain I have ever felt in my life….I can’t describe it, it hurts so bad.
It feels like a large weight on you shouldrs and in your heart, everything and nothing makes me cry. I feel separated fom those I love and care about. I don’t want to live my life like this. I don’t want to live my life at all.
Do you ever get up (from your seat) and go to do something.. and realise you have no idea what it was you intended to go and do… ?
What does that make you feel like?
Constantly feeling like you need to do “something” lingers in the back of your mind. It’s indiscriminate. Very soon I will have forgotten what that “something” is. But forgetting doesn’t remove the feeling that’s left in its place. The feeling becomes constant background hiss. This hiss is wearing me down.
When can I stop? I wait for a time when I can rest.
Hope turns to frustration turns to hate turns to despair. Don’t we all love despair.
Hoping one day I will wake up. Will I recognise when I have woken up? Is THIS being awake?
Trying not to judge from external points of view. Hate works in spirals. If you hate yourself that means one part of yourself must recognise what is good and actually itself be good. I think I’m the worst person in the world. But to think like that means that I am actually the opposite.
Knowing I have something to do in the future keeps me from going to bed. Stops me resting and sabotages my daylight efforts time and time again. What can I do? Reduce everything that I need to do in the future? Is that a way of living? Or is that a way of avoiding living? Time vanishes when you’re avoiding it. I wish I could stop time.
Anxiety that things will always remain like this forever, is tiring. Everything is tiring.
The following is a journal entry I’d written when in the depths of depression, as I so often am:
The depression is here again. It feels so familar, yet so foreign. I know that God didn’t intend for people to have this. Or does he? It’s scary. I want to cut myself right now to feel something. To feel physical pain and not the pain in my head and my heart. Hope is fleeing and death is looking like an answer. An escape and an end to this vicious cycle. I keep thinking that maybe it’s gone for good, but it always seems to return unexpectedly and stealthily. It is death which creeps into my mind and grabs a hold of me. I am a prisoner in my own mind and body. I am not the only one, but I am alone because I feel alone. It has found me again. I thought I had everything under control. I guess I was wrong. It me, death is dwelling, waiting to consume me from the inside out. A final resting place for me, away from the hurt and sadness, and nothingness and numbness. A cut to feel pain which needs to exist. A horrible reality to live this way. Not knowing if tomorrow will bring hope or maybe thoughts of death. No guarantee. No certainty. No ability or control of brain chemistry or genetics. My fault or my creator’s? No answers. False hope. Short-lived hope. Glimpses of hope. Never seeing enough in the distance. ECT. Medication. Words of kindness. Prayer. Family. Friends. Love. Nothing sustains me, nothing comforts me. Nothing. Nothingness in me. I am nothing and should not be. Death is not my foe, but like a friend. A hero to rescue me from this world full or cruelty and misunderstanding. I cannot feel its warmth because the depression consumes me and fills me with cold and numbness. A loss of feeling and excitement for life. No reason to continue on. Feels heavy, like a cross. I am not Jesus. I am so far from him and his kind heart.
The following is a journal entry when I was in the depths of depression, as I so often am:
The depression is here again. It feel so familar, yet so foreign. I know that God didn’t intend for people to have this. Or does he? It’s scary. I want to cut myself right now to feel something. To feel physical pain, and not the pain in my head and my heart. Hope is fleeing, and death is looking like an answer. An escape and an end to this vicious cycle. I keep thinking that maybe it’s gone for good, but it always seems to return unexpectedly and stealthily. It is death which creeps into my mind and grabs hold of me. I am a prisoner in my own mind and body. I am not the only one, but I am alone, because I feel alone. It has found me again. I thought I had everything under control. I guess I was wrong. In me, death is dwelling, waiting to consume me from the inside out. A final resting place for me, away from the hurt and sadness, nothingness and numbness. A cut to feel pain which needs to exist. A horrible reality to live this way. Not knowing if tomorrow will bring hope or maybe thoughts of death. No guarantee. No certainty. No ability or control of brain chemistry or genetics. My fault or my creator’s? No answers. False hope. Short-lived hope. Glimpses of hope. Never seeing enough in the distance. ECT. Medication. Words of kindness. Prayer. Family. Friends. Love. Nothing sustains me. Comfort. Nothing. Nothingness in me. I am nothing and should not be. Death is not my foe, but like a friend. A hero to rescue me from this world full of cruelty and misunderstanding. I cannot feel its warth because the depression consumes me and fills me with cold and numbness. A loss of feeling and excitement for life. No reason to continue on. Feels heavy like a cross. I am not Jesus. I am so far from him and his kind heart.
Depression is having all your emotional boundaries closing in on you, but your too tired to do anything about it. I take Prozac now, but i enjoy going off of it sometimes when i need artistic inspiration. Sensitivity towards feelings increase, its hard to concentrate, but being alone in my head can clear my vision. The outlook on life is terrible, suicide tendencies, ODs, whatever to make it feel better. I thought it was just like ADD at first when my highschool grades were going down, but the paranoia, pain and not being able to talk to others made it apparent what had happened. Even a fake smile is impossible to show. I kept feeling as though i was going to break out of the painfull shell, but it never happened so i chose to take a pill, now i can fake smile anytime i want. E-mail me if you know about anti-depressants
Depression comes on like waves in the ocean. Each wave dragging me deeper and deeper into despair. Everything can appear to be going well in my life, then this overwhelming boredom comes across me. After a day or so, I am irritated just by someone else coming into my room. Talking to others, I have to put on another face and don’t want anyone close to me. I never feel like anyone sees the real me. When I get home, I just go to bed and watch television, or rather the television is on, but I don’t know what’s going on. If someone comes into my room, I am completely irritated. And the tears keep flowing.
Sleep isn’t an escape. My mind drifts to every failure or misstake I’ve made in my life.
I always feel alone. And just when I get back on top for a week or so, here depression comes again and brings me back down.
In the last year of my life, I’ve watched close many friends dissapear or become distant. People I work with and go to college with think I’m a really happy, confident, “sorted” kind of person. They’re so wrong, I wish I could show them what I really feel like, but then again, many of my relationships are built on lies and deceipt. And I hate myself so much because of that. A year or so ago, I was always happy – I used to look on people with depression as weak minded, pathetic, incompetents. And now here am I, writing to a website because there’s nobody else to talk to. I feel so distanced from the world. I’m 19, have a place at a top university next year, any ‘normal’ person would think I’d be raring to go, spirited, happy…. But I’m far from that. Even my closest friend I can’t tell absolutely everything to. And it frustrates me so much, the constant dispair and anxiety, that I simply can’t get rid of. I want to go and seek help, but I’m too scared that my family would find out.
Having read most of the comments on this page, I empathise with so much of what is said – particularly what Farren said about punching the bedsheet- I have reccuring dreams about somthing very similar to this. My life is in a real mess, theres so so many problems that nobody in my life is aware of, but if you met me in the street, you’d think completely the opposite – my family have absolutely no idea that I have any problems whatsoever. I’m ashamed, I sicken myself, I feel as though it’s all my fault, I’ve not got the balls to do anything about it because I think the roots of the problems are way way too deep.
I hope I can be “normal” again, but at the moment I see no light.
Its a big black hole, eating me up inside. The days seem to run together, the nights never end. My thoughts never seem to make sense, and my actions never seem to happen. I walk. I cry. I write. I HURT!!! 30 plus years of feeling this, no one to turn to. A failure. A looser. Someday I hope all these feelings will go away.
Depression is a hole you try to dig yuor way out of.
For those who have not been depressed, it sorta feels like being really really hungry. The deeper the depression, the longer the hunger, the worse to symptoms. Starve yourself for a few days… you will start to forget what you are doing, have a hard time concentrating, have a hard time listening when others are talking. You will liely become very irritatble, and of course be very low on energy.
You will also feel strangely clear headed at intervals during your fast, and you may become very imaginative or creatively inspired when very hungry or sleep deprived – depression causes this for many people too.
Now, if you haven’t eaten in a while, its best to start slow – if you eat too much too quickly on an empty stomach, you get sick. Similarily, if you are happy suddnely in the middle of a depression, it is disturbing and you almost want to get bakc to the depression. If you go too long without eating or being depressed, you will probably die.
most people don’t need a doctor to them they are hungry, and most people who have depression figure this out before being diagnosed.
I think there is a world or difference between people who have been depressed once in their life and those who hardly ever been ‘un-depressed’. Those who have only been depressed for say ‘when I was in college’ can relate to those with more constant depression, but ten to be far more likely to believe that help is possible, and are probbaly more likely to respond to treatment.
Using the hunger analogy, this is the difference between someone who has been starving exactly once (which is very serious) and someone who has been malnurished or starving most of their life.
People who have been down for a few days once in a while have been ‘hungry’, but not ’starving’. Depression feels like starving, not just hungry. It is not self-indulgent to think of nothing but your stomach and food when starving, though maybe ineffective. It is only natural to think about your problems/depression all the time when depressed.
John, those of us affected by depression understand exactly how you feel. I have a good career, a wonderful boyfriend, a lovely house and home, with friends who care about me, but it doesn’t stop depression hitting you hard.
I have to admit I didn’t realise how much people cared until I forced myself to go for help. After going to my GP, who was amazing, she urged me to tell at least my partner. I did,(through email though – i found it easier to find the words) and it felt like an enormous weight had been lifted.
I feel like Nece says, every day is a struggle, just my partner coming home can send me off into a terrible mood. I bite his head off, I am critical, I am a monster to be around. Sleep was (and is) always difficult, I cry for no reason and I can’t rationalise any of it. Why for pity’s sake am I crying when life should be good? Why am not coping? This board helped me realise though that I am not alone, and that it isn’t “me”, but the illness. That reaslisation was the first step in me getting help, so thank you to all who have posted here previously.
I can’t say that there is a miracle cure – there isn’t but I’ve taken the first steps in getting better – I have taken time off work and have acknowledged the problem. It’s a struggle, and even worse when I see people but at least now I can drop the pretence … I have since told my parents, some close friends, and my boss at work.
Please don’t struggle on alone. The waves washing over you can seem so all-consuming, but believe me friends and family knowing, and being there to support, can act like that all important float. I too was keeping up the act in front of all and sundry, and it was only my partner who saw the extent of my illness. Sometimes admitting that we are only human is the hardest thing to do , but sometimes also the most important.
I don’t know what depression feels like. I only know how I feel and that I have been diagnosed with major depression. I have no energy, no motivation, no passion, no cares, nothing to live for. I feel hopeless. There are too many things wrong for me to fix. Actually, some things cannot be fixed. Suicide is my best hope. I think of it every day. I have nobody to count on for help. I don’t want anybody to count on for help. I want nothing to do with my family and I have no real friends, nor do I want any.
Depression is where all the good in me has gone to die. Depression is marketable in Hollywood and at a drugstore near you. Depression made it impossible for me to know anyone or be known by anyone ,in a world where real communication is already considered a miracle. It is said that in the beginning god created light, and although I am sure that big bright star of the day has it’s undeniable purposes, my existence has none. you can not cry depression away, cause you’ll never run out of tears. You can’t laugh it away cause thats even sadder than crying. In the beginning god said … wait , if god said let there be light… then there had to be darkness to bring light to in the first place. So in the beginning, there was darkness.Depression has returned me to this darkness and held me there captive, away from God and away from the light. I could die now and there will be no difference. I could live and there will be no difference.
Depression is the worst. It feels like everything is just crowding around you. im a personal trainer but at the moment i dont even feel like exercising myself let alone help other people. it’s too hard to go and speak to my family. Their view is ” just snap out of it ”
i haven’t cryed so much in the past 5-6 months than in my whole life. i often have thoughts of suicide cause its the easy way out. i think and think and think about the negatives in my life. i thought i was alone but after thourough research i learned im not. anyone who thinks they are trust me… get help and get it sooner rather than later.
John Donne (1572-1631), from Devotions Upon Emergent Occasions, Meditation XVII.
“All mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated…As therefore the bell that rings to a sermon, calls not upon the preacher only, but upon the congregation to come: so this bell calls us all: but how much more me, who am brought so near the door by this sickness….No man is an island, entire of itself…any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.”
Depression feels like you’re in a dark house looking out the window into a world filled with darkness. There is no light only hopelessness, sorrow, anger (because you can’t get passed it) and pity. No matter what I tried I couldn’t move passed the depression. I fell farther and farther into hell and the rope to pull me out got shorter and shorter. But eventually I reached that rope and I pulled myself to happiness. It was the hardest thing I had ever or will ever go through. My sympathies go out to all those that still haven’t reached their rope. It will come when you’re ready. Good luck and don’t give up! And I can say from personal experience that suicide is NOT the answer. It is the most selfish act one can commit. And no matter what today is like, tomorrow can be different, it can be better.
i don’t take any medication or anything, in fact i’ve never been diagnosed. however, i am fairly certain that i know that depresswion feels like. my skin crawls as the first wave hits. it’s like an argument about whether or not i am a worth-while human takes place in my head. initially, there is one voice attempting to justify my existence and one voice arguing just the opposite. but quickly, scores of voices come from the recesses of my brain, shouting everything i have ever failed at or not liked about myself (which is quite a lot). they gang up against the one solitary voice arguing my case, and it doesn’t take long at all for the voice to be drowned out completely. the next step after that is an overpowering urge to kill myself. i can’t tell you how many times this has played out in my mind, and yet i haven’t once attempted suicide. because the next step in the process is to think of my parents; their unconditional love and all they done for me over the years. this brings me to the final stage: wishing with all my being that i had never been concieved. so their i am, wretched weakling sitting in the dark, unable to do anything to end the way i feel; reduced to wishing on a star for a god i don’t even believe exists to change time so that i will never be born.
In response to Heather, suicide is not something a person chooses, it happens when pain exceeds the resources for coping with pain. I’ve suffered terribly for 10 years with clinical depression and if i ever ended my life i certainly wouldn’t be selfish, i’d feel guilty about hurting the people i know, but i would commit because i can’t cope with life anymore. I already can’t but i’m trying to make sure i get better, which isn’t easy when i’ve been trying for over 6 years and still haven’t found an answer to this brain disorder.
Depression is ongoing, never ending, feeling bad. Itis wanting to die; having the reasons you want to live get fewer and fewer; not having anything in your life that matters; not caring about anyone; and knowing that these feeling will never change because you have had them for most or all of your life. The only relief you have ever known is when you were able to bury them…but they never stay buried, and each time they come back there are more, they are more intense, and they last longer. Depression is not wanting to seek help because you already have tried every resource you think of including self help. positive motivational stuff, religion, friends, family, four different antidepressants, and therapy, with no relief. Depression sucks.
I know what depression feels like cuz I wen’t through it. It feels like you don’t belong. Everything goes wrong. It feels like you are accomplishing nothing! It feels horrible!
I’ve reached the conclusion that my depression is a mild case so I can’t even begin to imagine what most of you are going through. I’ve got a great job, but lately, I’ve found it hard to enjoy it. I just go through the motions and can’t give it everything I have. I’m always looking at the darker side of things. It’s like a haze is hanging around me, preventing me from seeing truth. I keep feeling that my future is bleak and the easiest thing would be to end it all. That thought keeps wandering through my mind. I know that I’m in a great position in life. One that many people would kill to get. But at the same time, I just feel sorry for myself that I can’t enjoy it. I always thought life would be a better place to live, but for the last few years it doesn’t seem that way.
At 18, Ive had depression for most of my life. I was taken to a psychatric hosipital due to a suicide attempt. That just added to feeling of being Trapped, but I decided that there are people out there who care enough to see that I live and I wanted to try to live again. But now I realize I have become too heavy of a burden to those who once said they wouldnt let me drown. Now the pain is alot worse and I want to relive myself and others of my pain. Depression for me is knowing that I have to do something to move. I have to put some effort. But I cant. I cant move. So I get angry with myself and the cycle continues. Depression is feeling yourself die very slowly and painfully and wanting to rid yourself of that pain with a sudden action. My fear is that when I do have enough strength to do something, to finally move, That something will be a shot to the head. Life sucks and I feel I have earned this perspective through so much analyzation of the world and myself. I feel I deserve to die. It is my right to choice whether I live or die, It is my right to end this Cancer that haunts my soul to where I dont even sleep anymore. Im drowning and even those few who havent given up on me, cant help me anymore.
I struggle with chronic depression, Post Trauma Stress Disorder(PTSD), and Post Concussion Syndrome. There is so very little I feel good about. I feel as if I have cement blocks fastened to my entire being. I recognize what I need to do, but simply can’t do it. I am virtually homeless, separated from my wife, have no money. When I’m ‘well’, I’m dynamic, quick witted, productive. Haven’t been that way in 2 years, the post concussion syndrome has complicated and worsened the depression and PTSD.
I see my life sliding away, I know I need to do something but I don’t have the energy, motivation, or resources. I suffer severe PCS headaches daily. I feel as if i’m free falling into a black abyss. Suicide thoughts are prevalent but I’m not going that route. I profess to follow the teachings of Jesus Christ, used to be a dynamic teacher of His word. My faith and prayers seem empty and the anguish I feel over my contradictory behavior and thoughts consumes me. I feel like I’m in prison, waiting to die.
Living with depression is being a non-swimmer forever trapped in cold, dark water, unable to swim to shore. You’re so far from everybody else- all they are is a light in the distance, unreachable. You’ll never make your way back. Your instinct to live is what keeps you kicking and struggling, but you’re so so tired. You have to make a decision- do I let go and experience the pain of immediate death? Or do I keep on going in the hope that I will someday stumble to shore?
I have felt this way for most of my life, I can’t imagine life being any different. So, depression is also feeling so hopeless that you don’t even wish for life to get better. You know in your gut that to live is be in pain… so why live?
I am about to go to my doctors because before I came on to the internet to do some research I believed that I was suffering from depression for the last 8 years of my life.Now that I have done the research and looked at different peoples symptoms of the illness I am certain that I am depressed.
I feel competely lifeless and that i’m living my life in slow motion.I am saddened that I am young and supposed to be enjoying myself but I can’t motivate myself to do anything, I feel cheated.Sometimes I wake up in the morning (sometimes really late because I can’t get to sleep early)and I have no excitement for the day ahead. I go to uni where I’m failing miserably because I can’t concentrate and I can’t motivate myself, if it’s a weekend i’ll just watch TV all day because I don’t have a circle of friends.I have 2 very good friends who i’ve known since I was 6 but I dont’ even see them anymore, I feel totally isolated.I can’t have any converstaion with my family because I get really irritated by them and then I get really annoyed with myself because they love me and I know i’m being vile and argumentative.I posess absolutely no self esteem. I feel deeply unattractive i’ve always been freakishly skinny and ugly.I’ve never had a girlfriend and don’t think I ever will, this traumatizes me because I feel like a complete loser.I can’t initiate any form of relationship because of crippling shyness and a stifling fear of rejection.I have suicidal thoughts everyday.I think about how i’d do it,what song i’d have on in the background,my suicide note and my funeral.I have no hope for the future and no joy for life.The brief random moments of happiness I do get I feel what Ashu said,I feel phoney and have to get back to the ‘reality’ of my depression. My constant analysis of the world is driving me insane!Sometimes I long to be addicted to some kind of vice like drugs or alcohol so I can experience brief,instantaneous moments of relief.
I have suffered grief in my life.Deaths of my father,two grandmothers and a grandfather in the past 7 years have’nt helped matters but I know it runs deeper than that, I know they are not the ONLY causes for my depression.I feel weighed down and I don’t know why,I feel like a failure of a human being,I feel like my one and only life is being wasted,I feel useless,lethargic and powerless.
Today I woke up crying again, blackness all around despite the sun shining through the blinds. I couldn’t make myself get up, what point is there? All i do is sit and stare all day (or cry and then stare some more). Life carries on all around me … always around, never involving me. TV is on – i never hear it though. My brain cant make sense of the sounds it hears any more – as if it has lost all idea of communication. I don’t talk to people, when I try, I just break down into sobbing tears. The rest of the time I just dont bother, no-onelistens anyway. I am alone, isolated, on my lonely capsule – my couch.
The curtain of despair is enveloping me again. I have brief moments when I can see a way through but they are never there for long enough for me to grasp them and hold onto them. This just makes me more irritable. I, like others, got help when my partner issued an ulitmatum but I am still struggling. It feels like the tables have just turned. Before I was keeping up appearances to get through work and in front of others, and not to my partner. Now I pretend to my partner and not to them. I don’t go to work. I DO very little. Even cleansing the dishes seems enormous, typing tires me too. I get panick attacks when I go out on my own, and I shake and twitch when I sit. Where has my independent, life loving self gone? When will this torture end?
My memory is shot, my heart is heavy, I get no pleasure from anything. Is it really worth it, if this is all there is? I got help because I thought there was more … weeks on and now Im not so sure. Years ago I thought there was. I used to be happy – I used to be the life and soul of the party. I used to yearn to learn, and get out there and just DO things. How can I have altered so radically? People say it’s just the illness taking over and it will pass … but when????
Depresssion feels like quick sand the harder you try to get out the faster you get pulled in. It seems like theres no why out but deepper, untill someone finds you but still it takes even longer to get out cause they don’t know what your feeling they just make it worse. If only they realy know what it was like, not by just sayin it, but realy felt it. I guess some people are just better off then others.
I am posting for the second time. I did mention in my last post that it is difficult to express the complex mesh of thoughts that one experiences during a depressed period.
One thought which always plagues me is an intense and unbridled nostalgia for the past. The feeling that the past has always been better than the current is something that slowly gnaws its way into the psyche. Every passing day seems to be worse than the previous. There is a longing for the past and since that is not achievable, you always sulk and feel weighed down. The future doesn’t seem bright because you have always perceived that the past has been brighter. There is nothing you look forward to because you keep looking back to the past.
My depression feels like I have become a little old lady who can only watch life from the sidelines because she is to fragile and frail to participate anymore. I am broken. I’m boring. Other people look at me and feel sorry for me because they have no idea what depression feels like for me. That’s part of the problem. Our experiences are all different, so we can sympathize but not empathize and those who are “whole” don’t have a clue. I feel stupid. I feel like a zombie from “Night of the Living Dead” except I don’t have the energy to wander around with my arms straight in front of me.
Depression feels like you’re watching your life on TV (all reruns), incapable of affecting anything around you. Wanting to change the channel, but the remote is dead and you can’t find the energy to get up and change it manually or to go out and buy batteries. So on the couch you sit, watching everything go by, losing your grip on reality and on your sense of self. You feel like a shell of a person wondering if you’ll ever be able to get yourself back again, but not caring enough to bother seeking help. Shocked back to reality by a ringing phone, you check the caller ID (the depressed person’s greatest enabler). It’s a dear friend. You let it go to voicemail – you’ll call them back later. Then you feel guilty for not answering the phone, so you can’t bring yourself to call them back. They call again, they e-mail, they’re worried. Now you feel guilty for worrying them. Can’t call them back. Apologizing is too hard and explaining your state of mind would be admitting you have a problem that you haven’t sought refuge from. So while you think about this and let the guilt eat at you with each passing moment that you don’t return the phone call, another friend calls and the cycle begins again. It’s too much, you can’t deal with it so you guess you’ll just watch your life go by on this TV channel that you can’t change. Maybe you’ll get off the couch tomorrow.
I feel like Depression has made life too complicated and difficult for me. I look at everyone around me and wish I had it as easy as them. Every aspect of my life requires so much effort that I rarely have fun. I have to force myself to go through basic routines, it’s like pulling teeth for me to go to a social gathering, people irritate me, I never feel good about myself and it seems as if life in general is just a chore. I have had depression since I was 10 or 11 and every day that passes, I wonder how I’ve managed to live for the last 15 years. It’s like I have a stone gargoyle sitting on my chest that just squeezes the soul out of me.
I guess, for me it varies in the severity of emotions from day to day but all i can say is that i would be perfectly happy to just sit on a chair for 24hrs without moving, and just think and think and ponder some more. but not happy thoughts like o.k. i need to finish this so i can go out to a party, but more, what’s the point, who cares (i certainly don’t). it’s like a see-saw: for a split-second per day i do look forward to the summer and make plans, but they all get shattered, replaced by a ‘well why? why should i do anything?’ yet i can’t afford to just wellow in my misery, i’ve got exams to sit.
i feel like time is moving on without me, or that i just can’t keep up with the present- i’m still ‘living’ in the past. i actually have a delayed reaction to everything, and always think we’re still in March, but we’re not.
also, i broke up with my friends cos they wanted too much from me and i felt like i had no control over anyone, so this was a way to get it, i just wanted a break and some time alone- and now things have got way out of proportion, i’ve made myself some ennemies!
ah well, it feels so nice to be free of all responsibilities and commitments.
i have this feeling that’s difficult to swallow (literally-there’s sth stuck at the back of my throat, an obstruction of somesort- guilt/anger/shame.)
The power of the mind is amazing, to be able to lead me down such complex dark emotions i never knew existed. but it’s not just mentally destroying- it’s physically life + soul-sucking as well.
Depression is like an enormous black cloud that swallows you whole. It’s in this blackness you learn what it is to be your own worst enemy. It’s living the life of a statue – unable to act, speak, think. It’s a giant, invisible demon sitting on you – slowly crushing you into nothingness. And there’s pain, but it isn’t sharp. It’s a dull, muffled kind that works it’s way all over your body, into every pore. Kind of clouds everything, numbs you. Till you wake up and realize there is no reason to move, save to relieve your swelled bladder or intense hunger pang. And when you leave your hiding place and have to face the world – you can’t help but feel everyone is mocking you with their zeal and enthusiasm for life that you cannot match.
The worst of it comes when it eats away at your emotions and you’re left an apathetic blob. You lack passion for everything you once were passionate for. Nothing matters.
I am currently digging myself out of “the hole”. My depression comes in waves – active in winter and spring, and gleefully dormant in summer and fall. My experience of these sessions reminds me of long tunnels. You unknowingly enter a tunnel – you’re in deep before you realize you’re in. It’s totally dark. You can’t simply WAKE UP! You walk and walk and walk. You keep on walking, steadily losing justification for doing so. You see a light. It’s way off. Really, really distant. You keep on walking and walking and walking all the while the distance travelled beating you down to nothing. You suddently realize you can’t remember ever not walking in this tunnel, and you can’t see the future being any different. You walk and walk….
Then one day you find yourself in pure daylight. Everything tastes! Everything feels, breathes, lives! You’ve found your life. You slowly forget the tunnel – you’re full of hope.
This is why it’s worth fighting. I try and think about this as often as I can. One day I hope to learn how to avoid these tunnels.
Its like a blackness following me, its always behind me even on my best days, i feel its vagueness. At first it hit and i was scared to death, i felt as if i was running from something, the blackness behind me i guess. I had been loosing interest in everything previously in the past year, snappy, mean sometimes, hard to smile, hard to hear what others were saying, then i began looking in the mirror, and it was like it wasnt really me, then it started with me looking at others and feeling that way. I just started frieking out and crying and getting mad then afraid, and i felt like i was receeding. Thats when the darkness hit me one weekend out with my husband. It got so bad i couldnt eat sleep, or feel anything but fear and dread, and thinking about death, obsessing, dark thoughts,which was something i had been doing in preceeding months. Scared to live, scared to die. does that make sense? i dont know.
I ended up in er finally a week after the darkness hit, and i was put on lexipro and ativan. It actually helped me some, its been 5 weeks. I still have the feeling the darkness is just waiting behind me to jump on me and suck me in. But i have to say its improving some at least im more functional, and i want to improve.
Ive had this on and off since i was 13, and it takes different forms, this being the worst, and i am in my 40’s. Its like a disease that comes and goes possesing me as it feels like it, always ready to strike and posses me.
Depression is when you get left behind.
Omitted. Forgotten.
It’s like you can see from behind a one-way glass wall day to day life running smoothly around you except you’re not included. you can’t take part cos you’re stuck in a different time-zone.
I feel cheated of my time which has been stolen from me by this disease. It’s not fair- to put it childishly- the last months of my life just flew past without me. I wasn’t invovled. I feel so insignificant- how can the world carry on revolving normally without me, whilst I’m just sitting there lifeless? And the angrier i get about it, the deeper DOWN i sink once more. The cycle recommences.
But then i comfort myself- by thinking, well, there’s nothing out there that i missed or would want to be a part of anyway. there once used to be, but now things have changed.
And every second that passes tilts the scales EVEN more towards the Past which i long to relive. I want a chance to live it just like it should have been. Cos everyone has the right to be happy, and mine got taken away. I refuse to move on and give the future a go until i am somehow or other allowed to turn back time + change and fix the past.
This is the first time i’ve been depressed, and so i have to admit i didn’t know much about this disorder 6 months ago.
At first, i didn’t like being alone, i wanted someone to help me, i craved support and advice, i confided in a lot of people. i feel slightly let down actually. i told my innermost secret to some people in the hope they would give me the answer, and where are they now? Never again. Yet now i am perfectly happy to just be left undisturbed and not prodged by people. no-one would stand my ‘company’ (would you want a depressed moaney inanimate lump as a friend?). only i can deal with myself, and that’s the way it’s gonna be from now on.
You know what, i give up trying. i tried and failed? why should i do it again? what’s the point of trying to retrieve a life like the one you once had if you now know there’s always the possibility it will just be snatched off you.
All my life, even my childhood memories are clouded. No sunshine. When it hits, just want to die, but that’s no answer. Can’t get help, could cost too much. Feels like nothing. I hope you all can find some help. I am near half century, and don’t know where to start, go, or just give up.
Not much sleep last night. Tired of taking pills to sleep. I don’t look forward to nights, because I can’t sleep. I don’t look forward to days, because they are a waste. 2 years ago, tried to pass out and not wake up. Pills and alcohol. 50% successful. don’t want ot live, don’t want to die. No place in between. Hell on earth.
I feel like there is a heavy weight on my shoulders. It’s not as bad as it used to be but it pushes down hard quite often and I cannot seem to overcome completely. Although I know killing myself is not a sensible option, I still seem to find some relief in knowing the option is always there.
its like an addiction
you cant control it ….and the more ppl tell you you need help the worst it gets.
it get so bad i cant eat and i cant sleep and i dont feel like doing anything cause i feel like im going to screw something up
it feels hopeless, it feels fake. Pretending to smile to let everyone think you are ok then when you get home you scream at the mirror and cry and cry. A constant tension inside…like theres something inside of you that won’t leave. It’s a battle. One side of you desperately wants to die but the other side just wants the pain to stop. some moments you feel fine…you feel confident, happy etc then the next…slicing your wrists seems like the only way to try to solve the depression.
Depression affects me in the following ways:
I feel blank, empty and hollow.
I can’t deal with anything out of the ordinary.
Noises seem too loud.
People seem pushy and rude, or cold and rejecting.
Even the easiest task seems insurmountable and stressful.
I feel like crying most of the time, although tears only flow when I have really ‘cracked’.
I am snappish and irritable.
There seems to be too much going on around me – too much stimulus, too much activity, too much everything.
I feel drained by being around people and neglected when I am alone.
All I really want is “to be left alone” so that I can “unwind”… but when I am alone, I feel just as bad.
Nothing interests me – not even things I used to be madly enthusiastic about.
Nothing holds my attentiion.
Nothing seems worth the energy.
Nothing helps.
Nothing is right.
Sometimes getting out of bed and brushing my teeth is too much to deal with.
I can’t speak or think properly. I can’t think of the word that comes next in the sentence that I am speaking even though I knew it a moment ago. I forget my train of thought. I say one word and mean another.
I walk and talk and smile… but it all feels false. I can’t believe that others can’t see past the “smiley mask” to the pain that I am experiencing.
Sometimes I can’t make myself go out the door or answer the phone.
It seems like the pain and the emptiness will never go away.
JENN S. SAID
It always hurts inside always that heavy feeling like someone is presing on my heart.
Even with the meds it’s always there.
I’ve been hospitalized 4 times now.
It never helps.
I’ve failed college twice now 2 strait semesters.
Something always goes wrong.
I can’t remember eanything good about my life. Except marrying my husband.
But even he’s anxious to get rid of me.
Send me back to my parents so they can “take care of me”
I keep hurting and stressing.
I know nothing i do is ever good enough. Everytime i get in my car i wanna run it of the road doing 90.
Everyone would be better off with out me.
No more worrying.
No more taking care of me.
No more stupid little 20 year old girl that’s just confused.
No more pain, worry, nothing.
Just strait nothing.
I wonder if this will ever stop.
I don’t wanna hurt or cry or fail anymore.
I just wanna be either dead or normal.
I haven’t been diagnosed but I feel as if I’m a failure in whatever I do as everybody has such high expectations of me. I can’t show any signs of weakness because if I do I will be seen to be weak or attention-seeking. I am failing at uni because I have no hope, no motivation and no energy. I can’t see the point of doing it as my life is worthless and the world would be better off without me. I think a lot about how I would kill myself and the effect it would have on my family. I don’t have any friends. People don’t really understand me – I know this sounds like a cliche but it’s true and I can’t find another way of putting it. I feel as if I can’t breathe because of the dead-weight inside me. I need to talk to somebody but I don’t have anybody to turn to. My partner is in the forces and soon has to go away. He’s very matter-of-fact and gets frustrated because he finds me hard to understand. I have exams in less than a week but all I can think about is ending it all. I don’t want to be here anymore. The world passes by and I remain unnoticed by everybody. I am not worth looking at or thinking about. I can’t cope.
It’s an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. Everything is harsh. It’s worse than walking on eggshells, it’s walking on broken, jagged pieces of glass. Nothing feels right.
Katherine was the second comment I read on this web page and noticed that she had posted today. As I am reading this I can relate to you. I am also at a university and I have finals next week personally I am not caring too much about classes either. My partner of three years is becoming more frustrated with me because he feels so helpless. I have contimplated suicide becasue sometime the pain is too much. I have no way of describing the pain that I feel. All I know is that I cry and feel so much hurt inside.
depression to me sucks out all my energy so that i can’t be bothered to do anything. it makes me feel worthless, that i’m better dead than alive. i feel as though it’s too much of an effort to keep on living and i’ll finally be able to rest if i’m 6 feet under.
two failed suicide attempts. third time lucky.
I wake up and think what now? I am dissapointed that it has happened again. No one understands, I am in my world. No one is willing to be here with me. Everyone pisses me off cause they are so easy going. They don’t see that everything is wrong, its all bad. Why should I see them? Why should I go out to people who are not of the same kind?
I’m standing at the edge of a cliff, the one that exists only in my head, and the one that I and I alone have dragged myself to kicking and screaming all the way. And it is here at the brink of my exhausted resolve and saniy, that I must make a choice…again.
I have waged and fought in an endless war of the heart for nearly two years straight now; and I am so far away from caring about anything, and so utterly lost in the collapsed ruins of my own life, that I really don’t know where I am anymore, or if I will ever make it home again. Each and every day of my life in that span has been an unimaginable horror that no one on this earth should ever have to witness or endure alone, as I have. If there is, or ever was a God, then he is most certainly an absent landlord at best, and little more than a cruel tyrant at worst. I feel like a corpse inside, dead and hollowed out with no remaining trace whatsoever of the “good” guy that I so used to be. I’m standing over my own body, in prepartion of burying it.
Well, what else is there to say? I know I’m not alone in the Godless mess; I have many “brothers and sisters” who suffer from the same affliction as I. There’s a sad comfort in the understanding that I’m not alone in this, but as most of you can probably attest to…it really makes no ultimate difference in the end.
My life, as I once knew it, has seemingly come and gone, leaving me to stand alone in the debris of my soul, waiting for the next unwanted dawn in a life that I’m not the least bit interested in living anymore.
I remember someone once sying to me “Its nice falling asleep at night knowing someone cares!” and I remember saying back “yes, it is!!”- I long for that same feeling. That feeling that seems so far off in the distance and most likely will never return to me! I have lost all hope!! In my eyes- It’s over!!! Its so hard going through life pretending all the time. Pretending to laugh at the joke thats not funny, pretending to smile at the person who used to mean so much to you. Pretending to be happy. Whats the point. I want to be alone- but when I am, I hurt even more. I don’t want to waste anymore of anyone’s time and energy. I don’t want anyone to have to worry anymore. I don’t want to feel this pain anymore. I don’t want to cry anymore. I want all this pain to be overwith. The worst thing is when people say “It will get better- it always does”…. Well when??? Years and years have past and I feel worst than ever!!! They just don’t understand- noone does. Suicide isn’t a choice for me- its just my last option. Everything else failed- this won’t. How can it??? I just wanted to be loved- loved like any other person is!! At least by one person. I am crying out for help inside, but noone can hear me. I am in a world all by myself. It hurts to much when that one special person who means the world to you doesn’t care. Doesn’t care at all. Some people go through lie with everything- here I am with nothing. How can someone live their life day to day- always feeling that they aren’t good enough, nothing they do is good enough, a feeling of anxiety, a feeling of guilt. Its all too much to handle. It hurts the most when someone takes advantage of you- and your too ashamed and embarassed to do anything about it. As much as it hurts to see him free and happy- you keep quiet. Why??? You don’t want to be at fault- because everything is your fault. You don’t wnat people to think differently of you- because they will think differently of you. You don’t want people to abandon you- because they always seem to do that. One last cry for help- no one answers- Only Goodbye!!
I feel as if I’m lurking around in a life that I can’t quite reach. I travel in a glass bubble it seems, where voices are muffled and vision is blurred. I can’t enjoy smells, I don’t feel the wind.. I’m numb and empty. Sometimes I laugh, and I feel myself doing it but can’t quite catch up to the sensation because the anchor is too heavy. I don’t know if that makes sense.. sometimes it feels as if nothing make sense. I think I know what Zombies felt like, and empty egg shells and flowers that have wilted because they ran out of water. I watch couples walking and talking and laughing and I feel like I’m watching a foreign film with no subtitles. Why do people seem happy, why do they have beautiful beaming faces and beautiful beaming lives.. why can’t I.. why don’t I.. how did they get the rainbow over their lives.. and I got the dark clouds? I don’t want to wither or die, I can see a faint crack of light way at the end of this book of my life that I think is the beginning of a new journey. I just want whatever it is that’s anchoring me down to let go, so I can be free. I want to dance to that light and be reborn into the life I see everyone else having. God help me.
Depression for me is mostly about feeling numb, feeling something gnawing inside you, but not being able to let it go. I have had depression, more or less, for about 12 years, (now I’m 21) it started because experiences in my childhood, somw of which were in my life for years.
There are times when things seem a bit more bright and I think I have gotten over it, but I can feel it lurking inside, always. I try to think positive, and I have actually learned and changed a bit. But still, depression is in me, and sometimes people dont understand the contradiction that is in me and that perhaps is a big part of depression; you can think positively, at least try, and you still might get depressed at the same time.
Depression is being tired. So tired that you just dont feel anything else but sadness. I have felt it so long that I have lost the ability to cry. I miss crying, because it feels purifyig, ability to feel the sadness. I just feel empty. There are goals that I want to reach, an university to be presice, but depression makes it harder. I feel like I could be in bed for days; yet I have an ambition that drives me, so I guess I’m lucky in a way that I have found some way to believe in myself even in depression.
Depression feels like veil in front of your eyes, a filter that doesnt let the light in. It sucks the life and joy out of one’s soul. Just dont let it change you.
I have everything I’ve ever wanted. My life is perfect. I have a beautiful home, a beautiful family, great friends…I have no real problems to speak of. Everyone I love is healthy and happy…except for me. I have this black cloud hanging over my head most of the time; occasionally the sun peeks through the clouds and shines a beautiful light on my life so that I can see how perfect it really is…but then sometimes the cloud opens up and pours misery that no one else seems to see or feel…they ask what’s wrong with me and I say ‘nothing,’ because I can’t really explain the source of the pain… I’m the only one who sees the clouds. And I don’t want to hear how everything will be okay…and I don’t want to be asked ‘what are you depressed ABOUT?’ Everything is NOT okay in my perfect little life, and if someone else would just look up and see the clouds maybe they’d know that I’m not depressed ABOUT anything…I’m depressed IN SPITE OF EVERYTHING.
I feel like I am never going to achieve what I want in my life. Maybe because I want so damned much!. I am in my second year of studying to be a pharmacist at the moment and I feel like how can I give healthy advice to others when I’m not healthy!. I really want to be studying medicine but just feel like I can not cope with any study anymore. I feel like I am not going to get thru any of this. I feel like I am not going to achieve any of my goals. I seem to have lost the absolute passion and inspiration. I don’t feel like a young zealot anymore- I feel dead!. Everything is just way to much. I’m not eating, sleeping, concentrating in lectures. My mind wanders. I have suicidal thoughts many times each day. I feel totally unmotivated and devoid of the optimism I once had. I’ve withdrawn from my peers. I feel totally totally alone and I’ve been this way it seems forever. My family treats me differently- like I’m not normal. I also have anxiety attacks and have been in sexual situations where I couldn’t do nuthin about what was happening. I feel like I’ve lost control over my feelings. I’ve let people say stuff to me many many times and I get glazed over in shock and have believed and accepted what they say for many years. I have an extremely low self esteem. I feel like there’s nothing left for me on this planet. I feel like a piece of rubbish. University seemed to be the last thing I had going for me and it seems to be slipping away. My mental state seems to be slipping away. Depression is waste. It’s a vacuum which sucks away true moments of joy we all deserve.
Depression feels like you are drowning in hopelessness and self-pity. You have no energy and all you want to do is sleep. Every minute of every day, you want to cry and scream and beg for mercy, but instead you walk around and act like it’s all ok. You hate yourself, and, many times, everyone around you. You begrudge others their happiness, and feel guilty about it. You feel ugly, unloveable, and desperate for reassurance that your life is worth something. You think about suicide constantly- it’s a thought thats always there in the back of your mind. You dread the future, for you know it can only bring more misery, despair, and failure. You are desperate for people to like you, but are convinced that they don’t. You can have fun, and there are small victories, but at the end of the day the depression is always there. You take a thousand risks, not caring what may result from them. You do things you are ashamed of but repeat your actions over and over in a hopeless cycle. Overall, everything- your past, your present, your future- all is black, and all you can do is pray that if there is a God, he will let you die instead of living day after day feeling as though you are already dead.
Depression is something that I have struggled with and been medicated for since I was around ten years old. Depression to me does not feel like an illness so much as a disability. Without any warning or hesitation my moods swing completely around leaving me angry at my fiance for nothing, unhappy, unable to bring myself out of bed let alone work, and afraid to talk to anyone about what is bothering me. It is causing a huge gap between me and my fiance becuase he’ll ask me what is wrong and all I can say is, “I don’t know”. It feels like I am punishing him becuase I can’t make him understand what is going on inside me but I expect him to be able to support and console me for it. Everytime I have a modd swing the thought of me making him miserable only saddens me more. I feel trapped inside of a fog that can never clear, and I am very afraid of simple things that I know can trigger a mood change. Setting the table wrong, dishes in the sink, a spot on the carpet, any little thing can make me feel like a failure. I feel like I am battling the monster of myself and no matter what I will never win.
My Dear Friends,
Although I do not suffer from depression like you my husband does and has for years. I have worked with “clinical depression” people for many years and, so, knew what was wrong with my husband when I first met him many years ago. He was never diagnosed until 1998 when I finally got him to go to a doctor. He still denies many aspects of this terrible disease, hoping it will go away if he ignores it.
Your comments made me cry with pain for you all and for my husband. Also, truefully, for myself as well. For you see, I don’t know how to help my husband any more. It is very hard for me at times too: I become angry, tired, wanting it all to stop, and of course, feeling quilty. I have printed all your comments and plan to give them to my husband to read, just to let him know that there are others with the same feelings as him.
Please don’t stop trying, no matter how hard the days and nights may feel to you. There is someone out there that does care: ME!!! With all my heart I wish there was a way to take away your pain, but I can’t. No more than I can take away my husbands. But, there is one thing I can do….Love him no matter what!!!
Thank you all!! You all have helped me this day. You see I was falling into that trap of feeling sorry for myself. You helped pull me out. Thank You! And although I don’t know any of you….I know that I love you as one of God’s children and wish you all well.
I am only 13 years old and have had BiPolar Depression for 8 years. It makes everything terrible its hard to exsplain its like falling into a dark pit and even tho u see the light at the top u see no way to get out and everyone who wants to help u reject them in fear i donno but if anyone can plz try to help me. Just having sum1 to talk to would be nice.
for me i have been aware that i have had serious depression for just over two years now @21. it lives my life for me yet it is not living just existing. being here present with a heart beat but with no life.at times never being able to think i can feel alive again.it seems to have rewritten my past and i end up believing my life has been the darkest place for any soul to have lived.everything seems deep,deep thoughts, deep feeling and emotions.thats what my world revolves around these feelings.i know feelings have to be dealt with from the past but every new day creates just soooooo many more that become confusing and just sooo much.helping myself like going out doing stuff meeting up with mates is like some huge big deal and most of the time i come back feeling worse. keep trying, youll get there,things aint gonna stay the same forever im always hearing. whats forever a? maybe i should just be hearing it from myself and it would mean more.
for me i have been aware that i have had serious depression for just over two years now @21. it lives my life for me yet it is not living just existing. being here present with a heart beat but with no life.at times never being able to think i can feel alive again.it seems to have rewritten my past and i end up believing my life has been the darkest place for any soul to have lived.everything seems deep,deep thoughts, deep feeling and emotions.thats what my world revolves around these feelings.i know feelings have to be dealt with from the past but every new day creates just soooooo many more that become confusing and just sooo much.helping myself like going out doing stuff meeting up with mates is like some huge big deal and most of the time i come back feeling worse. keep trying, youll get there,things aint gonna stay the same forever im always hearing. whats forever a? maybe i should just be hearing it from myself and it would mean more.
I’m 21. I’ve never had a girlfriend, never had sex. All girls I talk to appear to be frightened of me and worse, I have absolutely no idea why. Do I strike them as perverted, threatening, oily or chauvanistic?
When I’m around other people, any people, I feel uncultivated, unintelligent and unable to say anything that is interesting or even just plain normal. I can hear all my sentences sound stupid but shutting up will just make me appear even more distant and hermit-like. Everybody seems unconfortable when I enter the room.
I have bad taste or rather no taste at all. I seem to think slower than everybody else and unable to relate as other people do. Any of my opinions on anything sound phony. Any attempt to look well-mannered and polite looks insincere. Any question feels like an attack on my existence.
Everybody else seems to have a good answer to every situation – I fumble around and usually miss the train. Everybody else seems to know what can be expecteded of them and what is unreasonable. Everybody else seems to know what they know and what they dont. Everybody else seems to know something or have something in common that I do not.
When I make even the smallest mistake I think everybody sees it and that it’s all they think about – and talk about, behind my back. I’m overwhelmed by shame, paralyzed, and every attempt to divert attention from my mistakes just makes matters worse.
I feel stigmatized, as if everybody have something to blame me for. Any attempt to move on feels hypocritic or out-of-character.
has anyone seen the “Everybody’s Fool” video by Evanescence?? well that’s how i feel. Like, people see the fake side to you but underneath, you know the truth…you’re not the happy, cheery person you pretend to be…you hate yourself so much but you gotta keep preteding everythings ok…you want to believe everything will get better…but it only gets worse. nothing is what it seems.
I have suffered from depression for over 40 years.Somewhere along the way I died inside. That title, “Dead Man Walking” is pretty accurate. I don’t even listen to music any more. Nietzsche said “Life without music would be a mistake.” Several times a day I say “I wish I was dead.” I injured my spine in a recent auto accident. If I fall or get hit again I’ll be paralyzed. The frightening thing about paralysis is that you can’t commit suicide!
When I am sick (that is what I call it when I have a depressive episode) I don’t care about anything anymore. I am afraid of everything. All I want to do is sleep. The only thing I think about is sleep because then I don’t have to think or feel anymore.
its like this one line from a limp bizkit song- “its just one of those days that i dont wanna wake up, everythings fucked, everybody sucks” except that its not “just one of those days”- its each and every day.
Depression sucks. And all the things that are related to it. All the normal problems of life weigh on you like a ton of bricks. My son has ADHD, and in the process of learning about that, I learned that I have it too. My husband thinks we are both nuts, like we are looking for attention. But everytime my son goes into a rage over some little thing that means nothing, I am completely aware of what he is going through, but nobody else seems to get it. I try to explain what it feels like to those around me, but they answer me with blankness. I am the rock that will be there for my son, and I will get myself through too, but sometimes I wish there was someone who understood to take care of me. Some days I just want to cry my eyes out. The world is a lonely place sometimes, but the strong WILL SURVIVE!!! I am a survivor, and nothing, even Depression, or ADHD, or any other label that they put on this feeling will get the best of me!
I am empty and tired. Nothing matters-I don’t even care if I get better. I just want it to be over. I don’t remember how it feels to be any other way but sad. I feel better that I’m over forty because I figure I won’t spend too much more time on earth.
Lost in life, lost in death. Just Lost… Not even able to think or react as normal. I can not even seem to exsist with ease. Everything is SO hard. Each breath, each heartbeat, comes with so much effort that giving up would be so easy. I do not have the strength to put out such mountains of effort. God help me!
I am a 16 years old female that is pressured by sex and drugs everyday. I stopped smoking pot last year because that was something that help to hide who i was and still am. I am still a virgin and no one can respect that. I listen to depressing songs to make my life seem better in some way. I feel like the world is agianst me and everyone wants ro hurt me. I dont act like most girls. I do my own thing and I know i am different. I have had bad stuff going on everyday of my pathetic life. I go to school full time and i work full time. I have no money and i have no life. I live in hell that only i see. I dont have the perfect body and i constently put myself down by saying that i am fat (which i am) and that i am not as pretty as the other girls. ALL I WANT IS TO BE AS PRETTY AS THEY ARE FOR ONE DAY. Just one. I cry over that. I hate to smile and i am depressed.
I feel like just giving up everyday. I cry so much when i am alone because that is when i let my feelings out. I dont tell anyone what is going on in my head. I fear that if they knew the real me they would get scared and leave me. I hate to be alone yet i would rather be alone then in a group. I am really messed up and i feel like i am drowning in my pain and sorrow. I hide all of my feelings and i act differently around everyone. I dont live in this life. I hide in the shadows and live a fantasy life. I havent got help from a doctor. All i have is my friends. But i still dont tell them everything.
My biggest problems in life is that i want to fly away and dissapear from the world. Just get lost where no one can find me. Not even myself.
I feel different from the world. I am so parinoid that everyone is talking about me. I feel like i know they are.
I have very little self- esteam. I constently put myself down. I give up on things that are so easy to do. I just want to end this life. But something is holding me back. I feel that if i do, i will be hurting so many people that have tried to help me and that care about me. I cant hurt them. One day it will all end. I have to stop thinking and worrying. I feel like i have to just give up and die. I will one day real soon. I cant right now. So for the time being i will hide in my shadows and keep acting like everything is fine and that i am happy.
I feel all and some of the things listed in all these posted people. I feel like my head is having a hangover and I don’t know why. I was very frustrated by not knowing “what” was wrong with me! I actually feel a little bit of “relief” knowing it’s depression, but also still sad “knowing” it’s depression. Yuck. This web site alone has guided me in the right direction. I feel awful taking Zoloft, and I’ve stopped taking it, but my head STILL feels foggy even days after I’ve stopped. I want to try a natural herb or vitamins.
Depression feels like I’m tired all the time. I sleep through half of the day, but when I get up, I don’t feel rested. I still feel tired, and I don’t know what to do first, or where to start. I’m not interested in “doing” anything. I have to “force” myself to do anything. I have no desires, except to eat ice cream (which is my weakness) and now I’ve gained 10 or more pounds in the last three months, and that makes me feel worse.
I have detached myself away from my outside family members. They drive me crazy! I find it difficult, or impossible to speak with anyone. I feel it impossible to answer the phone, so I’ve stopped talking on the phone completely. I’ve had to tell everyone in my immediate family to tell people I can’t come to the phone because I am “resting”. At least this way, I don’t feel like I have to lie.
Food has no taste. My house is getting messy again. My words don’t come when I’m trying to talk to someone. I sound like I’m in grade school when I speak. My vocabulary sounds like a second grader. Really.
At least my loving husband is being very patient with me. Thank God.
I just want to get better, but things I’ve tried just don’t work. I can’t even work anymore, because I cry uncontrollably over nothing, just like a big baby! I hate that, but I CAN’T help it.
I am going to the health food store today, and find a natural remedy. Maybe there is hope?
Hello, friends, I am still here. tried to get away, but failed again. Felt pretty good for a couple of days, then gloom again. Kinda don’t give a flip about nothing. Pilled up tonight, and 4 beers, and still able to find this web site. I know how all of you feel. I wish I had some words that could help. I don’t. It will be “Fathers’ Day” in 15 minutes, and all I can expect is what can I do for them. I would really just like to sleep. Nothing seems to help. Smilling gets harder each day. Just hanging on takes all of my strenght. I tried asking “Why?”, but I ended up getting more crazy. I guess that there is no end. I have had it all my life, and probably will continue it for the rest of my life. It sucks. I hide and cry, at times, and to know avail. I thank you all for posting on this web site, because, it’s the only place I can find people who know what I feel.
To all you Dad’s out there, “Happy Father’s Day”.
Thanks, Jimbo
I’m only fifteen and the pain is just so much that i’ve grown an immune system to it. At first the pain is so much, so acute, that you just cant breathe; then slowly you become numb unable to care or feel. Nothing matters anymore right? I’m gonna be gone soon enough. There migh be hope and i can get help but i dont want to. i dont want to see the world as a better place again and place myself up just to fall down again. i prefer to see the world as it really is, cold and unfeeling, i dont really want to die but it’s my only way out. My only way out.
It all just feels so hopeless. I haven’t worked since February, and I’m finding it harder and harder to function with just the daily stuff. I have a 4 year old daughter, and had to send her to my mom’s in another state so that I can try and ‘get it together.’ Sadly, it seems that my child was the only thing really keeping me going. She’s only been gone a little over a week, and all I do now is think about how much better off she would be with me out of the picture completely. I’ve never had such a bad episode before, that’s lasted so long. I’ve been on Prozac since 1999, and it’s lost its effectivity. Not sure what the doctor is going to try now. Whatever it is, it has to be better than what I’m going through now. I want to see my child grow up, but for some reason I can never imagine myself past a certain age, and I can’t picture being in her life. I even has a suicide ‘note’ written out in my head, and lastnight I almost called a crisis hotline, because I didn’t trust myself to be alone. I keep weighing the pros and cons, and I know I’m probably too chicken to do it, but I can’t fantasizing these days about it… and that scares me.
I am talented, black, and bisexual. I have no one to support me emotionally. Im afraid to come out with my bisexuality because people still hate the gay community. and often times I have to deal with the hate of racism(even in this day and age). I have tried and failed to make a name for myself in music, and art, everthing I have done to make a name for myself hasnt come to fruition. I long to have love and family in my life but I really have no one. Im tired of being so alone that death seems like a way out. but the thing is Im afraid of eternal damnation should I kill myself. Fear is what keeps me alive. but somedays the fear dosnt seem so intense.
Depression is such a well known word to me. It is mostly built up feelings. I hate to show my feeling to everyone because it hurts so much. My feelings are all messed up and i just stopped caring. You just feel like giving up on the easiest things in life. Well i am at the point of just giving up. But my friends are holding me back. It kills me inside knowing that they know about what is going on in my head. The feelings inside are like HELL. Its inside you and all you want to do is to kill it. Everyone that trys to help you, you push away. I Say i DONT need help and that i am perfectly normal. I am fine. I cant accept the fact that i am not okay. I need help but i dont want it. I think i will get it soon though because may be these feelings are just getting the best of me…
All you want to do Is punch a wall to get rid of all these bottled up feelings. I say hit the damn wall as hard as you can. I did it and it hurt so much but it helped me a little bit.
I want to say thanks to all the people who wrote on this web site you have helped me realize that i am not ALONE. I know there are people out there that feel the same way i do.
Thank you everyone
I am currentley recoveing from anorexia and recentley this strange evil feeling has taken over me. It scared me at first- thinking that i was schizophrenic and all sorts. I came out of a mental health unit that treated me for my eating disorder for over a year. I am now at home. I eat well but still have my little ways with food, which is very hard to admit. I find it hard admitting i had a eating disorder. As the eating side of things sort of settles down a bit this other sde is creeping in. It feels really awful. I feel worthless and i look at other people and wish i had their life rather than mine. I don’t understand why they don’t feel like this.
When i was at the unit i saw alot of peple come and go, all with different problems which included depression, schizophrenia and anxiety etc. I think seeing people with other mental illnesses didn’t do much good as i am quite a paroniod person and i then started to belive i had these disease. I have been searching on the net to find out what the hell this feeling this and this website is very useful.
I don’t know if anyone else feels like there’s another evil person type thing in your head but i sure do. I know i’m not schizophrenic as i don’t portray any other symptons. I feel lonely like no-one else has ever felt like this before. I wish i could be back to my happy myself i was a couple of years ago but it just seems so far away. I also am very obbsesive. I find my depression is worst in the morning. I try to block it out but it fights back. I am not currentley on any sort of medication but i hopefully am going to get some as i feel it’s the only way to stop this over-powering feeling. Please if anyone else feels like this write back! I am so desparate for someone who can relate to me. I will post another message agin soon to tell you more on this awful feeling iside my head.
thanks!
Depression is: not wanting to feel, not wanting to know, not wanting to exist. It is looking at a rainbow – the sun’s energy reflecting off the multitude of tiny rain droplets scattering the color spectrum of red,blue,green,yellow across the sky; the morning sun rays gently peeping out from behind white, whisping clouds and falling upon the calm ocean waves leaving a shiney, glistening sparkle — and not seeing or feeling the wonder and beauty, only darkness and numbness. Depression is a living death in hell that never ends.
Great life. 4 beautiful kids, loving husband, supportive family…happy home…Miserable me! Where do I fit into this picture of happiness? When do I get to feel it? When do I get to run care-free outside laughing and playing with the kids enjoying life’s precious moments? When do I get to stop dreading the next breakdown? The next moment of rage? The next long night of no relieving sleep? The next wasted day lying around wishing I had the energy to move? “Mommy, what’s wrong? Do I make you sad?” When will they stop asking? Why do they need me? Won’t they be better off without me? What do I have to offer them? Anger? Rage? Misery? “Mommy’s tired again today” “Mommy’s sick again today” “Daddy, why does Mommy keep crying?” They’d have to be better off not watching me go through this. “Snap out of it!” I say “Get over it!” I say. It doesn’t work. Nothing works. Nothing works out right for me. I can’t do anything right. Even if I tried, I’d just fail. Or quit before I could fail. I’ll just sleep a little while. Can’t even do that right. They need me. They depend on me. They don’t know me. They don’t see me. I don’t know me. I CAN’T see me. I wish I could. I wish I could…Smile. A real smile. A heartfelt smile. Like when they were first born. Like when I thought my life would be great. But it is great…it just doesn’t include me. Left out, all alone in a house full of people. Sad in a happy time. Down with no where left to go and no way to pull myself back up. Lost! Alone! Sad! Here but nowhere! And on to the next day! Hoping it will be better…Knowing it will not…Living with it still the same. Maybe they won’t grow up to be this way. Maybe they will love me enough to be different, maybe they will hate me enough to be happy! Maybe, I can smile one day! Maybe! Maybe!
Being depressed really suck.I don’t like things I once used to and the whole world anoyys me.Sometimes when Im watching tv I get really pissed off at all these happy people and it just makes me sick.Sometimes I just throw a pillow at the tv.I hate being depressed.Everything makes me mad.Sometimes i turn violent and deadly.Sometimes I just crawl into my little world were everything is fine and dandy only to wake up and realize its not.
So..I have finally forced myself to recognize that what I am feeling is not something I can snap out of. This is not some silly mood that I can just put aside and move on from. No, this is something that is the polar opposite of just that. I have lost the person that I am on the inside to the world around me. I am crying..always, and for everything. I feel alone and unloved, and as if I were not to exist, that no one would notice, let alone care. It’s incredibly difficult to feel so alone, but I am working on getting better. I never thought that this would happen to me, that I would be, “depressed,” but I am making it a point to make it through..and be okay in the end. There is a solution to every problem, and I am searching to find the solution to probably the hardest thing I have ever had to face in my entire life.
Depression to me is as though, death comes a long and opens its gapping mouth and closes its jaws around my head, there is darkness, pain, hurt, nothingness.. I forget happy times I forget that life is possible and all i want is to die. I’m actually incapable of remebering joy during those times, I know it exists but the physical memory is blank. Some days I walk in sunshine and forget my monster and others where I see shadows and fear the return. I cry because I don’t know how long I can hold on and not succumb to my internal death. And when I’m in the dark how far can I go into the abiss and return? Each time it leads deaper some new pain is found, nothing logical, once one anguish I learn to deal with another comes.
All I know is I can’t let it take me, my family cares about me and it would destroy them should I choose to take those steps, I never have, and I love them to much to hurt them so much. Just because one thinks of death doesn’t mean you have to act on it. Suicidal thoughts come and go but I have to ignore them no matter how strong they are. I know if I don’t have something to do almost every minute the day I get sucked into a downward spiral, to distract me, to keep me in the moment and out of myself them I’m fine.
I’ve been on medication for almost a year now, the throbbing pain in my head is gone, it can return if I go down to long. I don’t know what the answer is going to be.. maybe one will never come. I have to exist in the present thats all I know, or can deal with.
Depression is a thief in the night that robs you of your very being. It takes and takes and takes until you can give no more.It locks you in a terrible exile of which it seems like there is no escape. It controls you and taunts you. It makes you doubt yourself. Someone ( medical researchers ) needs to take this evil thief from us.
Depression to me is a nightmare in the middle of the day.It’s like everything around me can be perfect; the sun is shining, not a cloud in the sky,the birds are singing.But my entire world is crashing down all around me.I have done many things in my life that I’m ashamed of and still at times continue to act this way.I was diagnosed a few years ago with ADHD and I believe that this has been the source of all of my evil,whether for real or just in my mind.Although I have a good career and a family that I know loves me and I still feel like a total failure.I truly believe everyone would be better off without me.If I didn’t have a family that needed me and relied on me I think I would have offed myself a long time ago.
When all the world seem hopeless, all your dreams shattered, and the only person whom you trusted to be with you always has left you with nothing. Life really sucks. Just when you thought everything’s alright, surprise!!! It’s not.. It’s like holding on to nothing and you just want to let go but you can’t because others will be affected – this is also depressing, when you wanted to end your misery(read:life) and you still think about the burden of guilt you will inflict to others…
Been here before…been there and done that, in the end, it’s all the same…pointless. My life, as I once knew it, is over. What I have left, is something that no one on this earth should ever have to endure on their own. Suicide…the end of all things, is as common to me as every breath of fresh air that I take. I don’t want to die…I only want to escape that which I can no longer stand in opposition to…the deathwish of my own life and the end of everything that the future holds for me. I am a living, walking, breathing statistic toward suicide…just waiting to happen. Tonight…I came home, alone…again. I got high like so many other nights in a feeble attempt to escape the mind numbing pain that I feel each and every waking moment of my life now. The only difference with tonight, is that I actually put the barrel of a .45 colt to the side of my temple. And in my fucked up drug induced stupor, I now know this…I actually pulled the trigger this time, only to realize, much to my sadness, that in my drug influenced trip…I seemingly forgot to load the magazine. Whether this was fate or folly, I know not. But…if there is anyone out there as fucked up as I appear to be, feel free to let me know one way, or the other. It would be nice to hear a voice in the dark…alongside my own.
It’s always wondering that if in some “parallel universe” you might actually be living a happy, care-free, productive, loving, “normal” life?????
Because you know for sure that the life you’re living here is awful……………
Heh….. where do i begin?….. i can be feeling fine, and then i start thinking of everything. things go so fast and then slow. then i cry, most of the time i have no reason why. i feel as if i cant talk to anyone, that my life is a steamy pile of ****. at times when im in one of those moods, which is usually almost everyday, i feel that my girlfriend really doesnt love me and that everyone is looking at me and that i can never ever be right….. i think about my future and i want things to happen in my favor, but i always doubt it. thinking that it will never happen. im not on any medication ive actually never been to the doctor. my girlfriend gets upset when im in one of my “moods” and that makes me even more sad… because i love her so much and i feel that she is all that i have.
Depression is the most dreaded feeling i can have.Wakeing up everyday with a different hat on.The children afraid to speak to me because of the unknowing emotion rage inside of me.The really hurt to put on a fake smile to keep my front with people.Medication is only false hope!
Depression puts my body at ease and my mind in hell. The body is too lazy to help itself and the mind is too busy hating itself. You just float through life taking everyone else’s **** because your too busy remembering why you suck every moment of the day. love destroys you, fear means nothing, and materials like money mean less. if anything high risk comes my way like purposely forgetting to turn my air on in the scuba tank i jump all over it. if someone notices(which they did) then who cares, this prolongs the inevitable. All the people i know look for something in life that really makes them feel alive. I look for something to make me dead. maybe im lonely maybe im heartbroken maybe i have multiple personalities fighting each other. either way, death can’t feel this bad.
Depression drowns all my thoughts and emotions and makes them all negative and depression makes me tired and bitchy alot.. I hate depression.. i wish i could ecape..
Depression to me, is the world storming over you and feeling as if nothing can help or stop it. It builds up, gradually, the stress, the anger, the chaotic uncontrolled emotions until I just want to tear it out of me. Its like going through the day, each and every day, with friends or being alone, either way it always follows, it makes you feel alone even in the midst of laughter with friends. I can smile, even when not fake, yet their is always this… heaviness weighing me down, even if no one can see it. It makes me feel weak, both pysically and mentally, even if people see strength in me.. I just don’t… To me that is depression.
Nothing feels good anymore, everything is fake, and meaningless. Time passes so slowly, it’s almost unbearable. Nobody cares about me, or understands me, most don’t even believe me about being depressed, and how can i really blame them? I’ve been nothing but a burden to everyone my whole entire life…. It feels like if someone I know adds one more ounce on the weight I am carrying around on my back, I’m going to collapse, and I hope I do. I often burst into tears when this happens. Anything even slightly critical triggers it, sometimes even friendly comments trigger it. It feels like the world would be a better place without me because I ruin everyone i come into contact with.
it is a giant black hole that swirls around and around and sucks you down. it’s like being the walking dead…i have no feelings…i cannot cry….small talk at work is torture….it’s all so fake…it just all feels wrong.
Depression feels like everyone is against you and everything in your life is wrong and you’re a failure. I’ve been feeling this way since my childhood, I’m now 32. My family thought I am just difficult to handle, that I have an attitude problem. I felt so different from my siblings. I felt so alone. I felt so unloved especially by my mother. I used to spend my childhood afternoons on top of our house’s roof. Just lying there, thinking, wondering why am I so “negative & different”; staring at the clouds, mountains, sky, wondering how come they are there & why are they colored like as they are. Am I insane? There were voices in my head; they talked so fast, as if they were in a race. There was “water” behind my head, like a waterfall. Is it normal?
I haven’t been diagnosed and I’m not into any medication coz I haven’t seen a doctor. I’m afraid of the stigma attached to this illness. If I see a doctor, my friends and relatives will know that I’m mentally incapacitated. They will be shocked! I’ve been living a lie all this time. My friends and relatives see me as a happy person. I’m just pretending that I’m happy. It’s so hard to pretend. It’s so hard to live daily. I’m overwhelmed to do ordinary things, like cleaning my room, brushing my teeth. I easily get irritated with my family. I thought they’re talking about me behind my back. I’m a burden to them. I think they’re better off without me here.
Medication and therapy will be costly. I don’t have money. My father will be financially burdened with me again. I wanted to leave my family, go somewhere else where no one knows me and start a new life so I could make it right this time. Or just leave this world so I could finally rest and my family can get rid of me.
I feel The same way Balm feels. Everyday I put on this fake smile so no one will ask what is wrong. Everyone tries to help me but the truth is I have given up on myself. I have lost all my will power and I have no more effort. It is not fair to me. I just want to scream. I want to be let out of this black hole of hell. I have given up on God because i dont understand why he is putting me and so many other people through this. I didnt think i did anything wrong. May be everything i do is wrong. I am so lost and the fake smile can only last for so long. I have already planed out how i can die and i am just waiting for a rainy day. This black hole will come to an end. I will not have to wonder what people say about me. I wont have to be alone anymore. I wont have to cry anymore because my heart is being killed and my mind will never stop thinking if i am crazy. I will be able to smile when i want and how i want. And the funny thing is for once i dont want to know what happens to someone after they die. Peace is what happens. Thats the way i see.
Depression is feeling like there is always a dark cloud hanging over your head. It is episodes of feeling like you are just skin and bones and that nothing inside of you really matters, that you are worthless. It is feeling that you aren’t good enough for the world and have no hope to ever be. It is thinking about how someday you are going to die and that you don’t really matter. It is contemplating what the point of life is. I have been on medication and it really helped. I felt like it lifted the cloud that followed me around. I have gone of the meds because I was pregnant but I think I have to go back on.
After losing the love of my life due to outside influences, I have been in a constant state of depression with absolutely no interset in anything or anyone. I am continually engulfed in despair, hopelessness, and complete loneliness. It is truly a living death. A normal death would be welcome; suicide would destroy my child emotionally. I have been on two anti-depression meds; about like drinking water. Cannot focus on the present for thinking about the past. Would like to run away from my own mind and escape into something better.
i am only 15 but i have had depression since i was about 7 years old when my mum tried to kill herself i dont know how to explain it it is just all i want to do is die everyday and when nothing is happeningand i am alone i cry for no reason and think of everything bad when something good happens i dont always take it in and i dont see the good side of things i never speak my mind unless im talking to people on the computer or when im with my best friend but then i ramble on about death and we usually end up arguing which i hate but i know she understands which is hard for her i know because not even i understand this hell of a life which is mine i have always had a loving family but was bullied a lot at school and stuff i am very moody a lot and angry and when i lose my temper i take it out on myself and i also break things whic is bad and very dangerous but at the time i dont realis and after i cry for hours because i worry i may hurt someoneelse but i dont know and i never mean it i just dont know how esle to cope and i am very shy i dont know why i am like this why me i want something to make me happy (which will propbaly be my death) and i know it wont i am afraid i will kill myself soon i hope everyone here does get their lives sorted and be happy
Emptiness, I can not feel my soul any longer, it to has left me. I breathe in, breathe out that is all I have left to do. When that is gone so will I be, once again with my soul.
Comment by Emptiness not Darkness — 7/4/2004 @ 5:54 pm
I don’t know if I have depression or not for sure, but what I can offer is the way I feel. The way I feel is hopeless. My days are spent in this state of chronic despair. It’s like the sun is never going to come out again, and the worst part is that I no longer care if it does. My parents don’t understand either, and that makes it all the more difficult to feel this way. Their favorite phrase being “Sarah is having one of her mood swings again.” Others being “Sarah is always so miserable…Sarah has such an attitude…Sarah learned to cry the day she was born and she hasn’t stopped since.” I don’t understand it. I didn’t think that I’ve done anything to hurt them but the more they say things like that the more worthless I feel. I’ve tried to talk to them about this but nothing has become of it. My father and I don’t speak often and he seems to think I “hate” him. My mother always says that I give her a headache whenever I try to say these things and seeing me cry makes her feel guilty. So she looks away. I don’t think anyone really understands what happens to me on the inside but what’s unbearable is the fact I do know and can’t stop it. I feel like dying and I do not fear the end. Should I fear the unknown? If it is better than this then I could not. People seem to think that if one has “so much to live for” they should only want to live and never ever think of death. I feel as if I have failed this lifetime in some way and a close would not be unwelcome. I wouldn’t commit suicide but death in itself does not strike me as an unhappy thought. I just thought I’d post this in case it helped anyone else. I can’t help myself but I can at least try to be useful to others.
Depression is having nothing to look forward to that will brighten your outlook on life and enable you to experience joy. Joy that once filled your life is gone. You experience nothing but loss everywhere you turn. Even when you do achieve a goal, it still seems meaningless, as do all other things in life. It rips out your guts and stifles your soul. It is a living hell on earth while you wait for death to come so you can be free of this horrible feeling. The only thing to look forward to is a life in heaven, free of pain and agony, but I have been taught that it is wrong to take your own life because then God will not take your soul there, but instead, will send it to Hell, where your pain of depression here on earth pales in comparision to the agony that you will suffer for eternity. So I wait out my years, going through the motions of living one empty day at a time, praying that I will enter eternity and be in the presence of God and everlasting joy forever.
I am 37 years old and have suffered from depression as long as I can remember. My mother left our home when I was 9 and I was left to care for my dad and two brothers. For most of my life I have felt as if everyday was just another day to get to the next one and so on and so on. When I had my children I just wanted to die I thought about lots of ways to kill myself and just end it all. The times when I should have been happiest I was the most miserable. I shut everyone out of my life, and probably still do to a point, most of the time I don’t want my family (other than my husband and kids) around me because they know. I enjoy being out of it way too much. From the outside in you would think that I was very normal I hold down a good job, I have two great kids, a lovely house and a good husband but none of that changes what is in your head. Last Friday my 10 year old son was diagnosed with depression and I know I have to be strong for him because I don’t want him to have the life I have had. He has always been difficult since he was a baby, I have always tried to make life easier for him because I guess deep down I always knew he was just like me. Truthfully I am probably the strongest I have ever been in my 37 years but since Friday I am starting to fall down that black hole and feel like taking my children and running away from life itself. I don’t want to work I don’t want my marriage and I don’t want my family. I know I should contact my doctor but it is just to hard. Here we go again…
I think trying to describe depression is, well pointless, as far as a feeling goes. I think of it as a disease or an addiction take you can’t overcome.
I have the usual sad story. As a child, I grew up with a father who would rather get drunk and gamble, then spend time with his son or pay the bills. This is probably the beginning of the problem, because through his neglict, I developed a codependence issue, but any ways. The emotional abuse went on through out my childhood and into my teens. Not being able to understand why his son wanted to skateboard or be different, evenually led to physical abuse. I remember the first time. I was working full time and going to college full time. He ask me to clean my room, and in my crazy life, I didn’t have time. I am finishing my physics homework, and I got a physical demo on Newton’s Laws because I had not got to the room. Fun
Adding to the plot, during these troubling times, the only true joy in my life was about to go so wrong. I loved and still love my exgirlfriend, Heather, more than any thing I have ever known. I know one’s memory can’t be trusted to be corrected, because we subconsciencly change things, but I still remember the first day I saw her. I would love at first sight. We were in highschool then. I was 15 and she was 16. We started dating about a year later. Things went great for the next 2 and a half years. Yeah, we had fights, but there was a chemistry that was so strong. I know, u are saying the first love thing, but we were no each other’s first loves, but we bonded on a different level, or at least I thought we did. In the summer of 98, I was working full time and taking a summer course in college, so we went from seeing each other everyday for almost 3 and a half years, to only getting to see each other on the weekends. I started noticing her acting different, and then the bomb dropped. She had be cheating on me with one of our good friends. I was shattered. I trusted them both so much, that even when all the evidence was in my face, I never saw it. It was like a child’s innocence, that was stolen. So here I am, 19 just in my 2nd year of college, 4.0 student. I had a plan. Everything lined up, and then it starts to break. My exgirlfriend who is 21, is sleeping with one of our friends that is 15. This kid grow up with me. He lives a block away…. Being the strong person I was, I try to keep going, but evenually I crack. Between my father and her, it was too much. I could go into a lot of details, but lets just say, this person, who was suppose to be my soulmate, well would sleep with him, and then drive down to my house and want to hang out. Things of that nature. Finally, I can’t take it. I decide, I must die. That is the only way out. This was a hard decision for me, one of my good friends had taken his own life just 2 years before. I had seen what it does to families and stuff, yet I was selfish and thought that it was the only way. I overdose on a lot of meds. The irony, I think Gods way of saying he will give me something to be sad about, is that half the pills were anti depressants that may have caused a chemical imbalance in my brain. Back to my sad story though. Here I am, dying…I feel myself slipping away..the only thought I have is her..how much I love her…how happy I was…and then nothing. I have no memory of the next 24 hours, but some how my father found me, and took me to the hospital. The doctors said the whole time I was out, all I did was cried out for her..sad….Jumping forward a bit.. Rehab, doctors, drugs, etc.. I try to put my life back together. Somehow, my grades stay good enough for me to get into Georgia Tech., which is a wonderful school. Everything is going in the right direction, and then, she finds me. Breaks my heart again, and I start missing classes. Then I get myself kicked out for a semister. Parents, make me move back home, back into the middle of everything. This is the Fall of 2000. I was in my third year of college, 68 credit hours, where I was suppose to be. Once I got back into all this crap, almost 5 years has gone by, and I have 102 credit hours, and 2.46 GPA. Somehow I have stayed in school, yet I keep coming apart. It is not that I can’t do the work, when I can focus on my school work, I make all As, but it never fails that my old friend, depression, will come along and win.
So here I am…years later, a shell of the man I was. Everyday is the same…pointless. All my plans and goals are still there, yet just a little too high. I build a little ladder, grap one, and try for another, just to fall back down again. I am full of pain and anger. Yet with no opinions. I have been on meds for 2 years now. Tried almost everything, but in the end, no matter how hard I try, depression always wins. I have tried to reason my way out. Almost everything can be solved if u try hard enough. It is in my nature being a dual major in Math and Physics, but this is one problem that I can’t solve. The sad thing is, I want to live. I have seen so may people throw everything way on drugs and stuff. I know people who have been through all kinds of crazy stuff, and can look and smile at u. I can’t. My best friend, just got out of jail, after 6 years. After everything he has been through crack and jail, he is happy to be here, yet I sit next to him, and can bearly even laugh with him…I guess I am starting to just go on without a purpose, but that is kind of the problem…it is how I feel.
I am losing hope that I will ever be better. I have some good days, but the thoughts of all the things that I have lost over the past few years is unbearable. So much time, just wasted..Last night, I was so close to death. I was mad because I past my exgirlfriend on her way to her to his house. I lay in my bed, alone on another holiday. The only thing that stopped me this time, is my love for my dog, believe it or not. It is sad, but I love that dog so much… Anyways, it is like I look at life. I am closer now to getting back on track than I have been in years.. I am doing good in school for the first time in the longest. Might finish, soon… Yet, the grey cloud is still there. I want a life again. I want a family, yet I drive every person away, becasue I can’t open up any more.. All this, and I still have not really made a point.. I could have really answer the question in one sentence, but it was good to vent a little…
Depression is like a meth addiction, only 6% of the people ever overcome it to live a normal life.
Well, I haven’t been diagnosed yet, but I am certain I have depression. I am getting married in Oct., just bought a new house, a new puppy, and even got a raise at my job. However, I feel as though I am being haunted (or hunted, rather?). I feel undeserving of marrying this wonderful and can’t help dwelling on some of the “terrible mistakes” I’ve made in the past and in our relationship. I feel like everyone will be at the wedding thinking, “What a joke!” I feel guilty for even laughing nowadays. I immediately remind myself that I’m not allowed to be happy. Then, I cry, longing for the innocence I feel as though I’ve lost forever. Sometimes, I almost feel like a perfectionist…like I can’t get married unless I can go back and erase the bumps in our relationship. I also feel like I’m looking for a reason for my life to fall apart. Maybe I’d be happier alone…it’s ironic because I’m lonely, but too intimidated to contact the friends I’ve lost touch with. It’s a scary, out-of-control feeling…
I was once happy, confident and had a great girlfriend (the type you wait your life for), and this bastard depression slipped slowly back into my head. Changed all my thoughts to negative ones, clouded my memories so that I couldn’t reach them, stolen my smile and replaced it with emptiness and hid my common sense. I’m just an empty shell now.
There is very little information about this illness, unless you research it yourself on the internet. I never knew waking up at 4am in the morning was a sign of depression, or losing interest in something you enjoyed was depression creeping back into your head.
I would love to feel “normal” again, or to give my depression away to my ex-partner as she never took the time to understand what a depressed person feels so she could experience the emptiness for 24 hours. How can a “normal” person relate to this illness, when getting out of bed is a struggle. When there is no enjoyment in life – not even from a bright sunny morning or the smell of flowers. I can’t remember the last time I smiled, or when I felt happy in myself.
Normal people don’t want to be around depressed people because it brings them down. I’ll remind them of that if I see one of them drowning and I’ll say “Don’t bother me, your spoiling my day”. We are drowning – not in our self pity, but from an illness that is inside our head.
There is nothing on this earth that can be as bad as losing yourself in your mind. The mind is a powerful organ and great when it’s working, but when it flips out, you can be thrown into hell on earth until you can find a way out.
I remember reading somewhere that “Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds
resources for coping with pain.” And I completely agree. I haven’t had much experience with depression, or with those who have it (my mom takes anti-depressants for her SAD, and I haven’t been diagnosed), but I do know that for the past three years, six months, and a couple weeks, I have felt hopeless, like I’m drowning, and that I have no reason to be here.
I grew up in a nice home, despite the fact that my very first memory is of my parents fighting when I was six-months old, and that they divorced when I was 5. I was never abused, my parents aren’t alcoholics or drug-users, I guess you could say my house was picture perfect, besides the divorce.
I have never touched alcohol or drugs, not even tylonol, and that could be partially because I’m a social reject, (I can count my friends and alliances on both hands), and I have been called names, poked fun at, and generally been tortured throughout all my years at school, yet, this still isn’t the reason for my self-diagnosed depression.
The real reason is love. That’s what put me over the edge, sent me into the abyss, destroyed my life. I know it sounds stupid, and why should love cause all my problems, and I agree, since I have never dated anyone, nevermind the one that I fell in love with.
Three years, six months, and a few weeks ago, when I was in grade 8, one of my best friends started dating one of my other good guy friends. She technically wasn’t allowed to date, so she invited me along on their first date to provide the cover of friends hanging out. It was during that date, their first of many, that I realized how I felt about my good guy friend. He was sweet, caring, sensitive, not to mention fairly good-looking. I was head-over-heels after about ten minutes into their date.
Since he was one of my good friends, and dating one of my best friends, I couldn’t say a thing about how I felt. I repressed my feelings until they were in a little ball inside my heart. Eventually, about a month before the two broke up, I managed to tell my girl friend that I had a crush on her boyfriend, which wasn’t uncommon, since I developed a crush on her last boyfriend too, we thought it was like a running joke between us.
I wasn’t able to tell her how I really felt though, and we never mentioned again. Then the two broke up and a few months later, me and my girl friend stopped being friends.
And I was still in love.
I found this fact hard to comprehend, since when I had developed a strong crush on her last boyfriend, it had stopped after a few months. I thought maybe it was because I was friends with him that I still liked him.
After a few months, I just couldn’t take the pain anymore. I would see him everyday at school, and I couldn’t be anything more than a friend to him, and even that was on the rocks for a while when we both became really busy. Anyways, the pain would cause me to just stare at my ceiling for hours on end at night, or to create daydreams where him and I were together, and were happy. I began to just ask God to take this pain away, to help me get over him. The pain went away, but so did everything else. I felt nothing, I was an empty shell. Whenever I looked happy, I was really wondering why I was smiling, there was nothing to smile about.
Grade 10 rolled around and my love moved to a trailer in the trailer park where I delivered newspapers. I began to see him on Saturdays, but that too stopped quickly. He would tell me to knock on his door whenever I delivered the paper, but I was too scared of seeing him, too scared of facing my pain again, so I never knocked.
Another thing around this time, was that my bestest best girl friend moved to Mexico for 8 months, and then up to a town 6 hours away from mine. I was devastated, now I had no one.
I found other friends, and kept in touch with my best friend, but I never really felt whole.
Last September was when I really started to get scared. Everytime I heard of my love getting a new girlfriend, I would become jealous. But, of course, I wasn’t allowed to show my jealousy, so I squashed it down and added it to my ball of pain. Also, I started to recognize that a strong feeling of hate was beginning to grow in me. Hatred for everyone in my school, everyone in my country, everyone in the world. I couldn’t stop the hatred from growing, and so still it grows.
Now here I am, newly appointed grade 12 student, a social reject, completely and utterly in love with someone whom I can’t tell, and also whom I’m going to grad with (Yes, I know, he asked me. It was the one purely happy moment in my life. Which is kind of sad when I think about it.) And also, I’ve begun to realize that we would be completely incompatible as a couple, since we are extremely similar, except for the fact that he’s more popular than I am.
My depression is an ongoing thing, and I’ve definately contemplated suicide…But I have too much ‘good girl’ in me. I get good grades, I read, I don’t rebel at all….I’m sick and tired of it all…And this ‘good girl’ streak in me keeps me from killing myself. Another reason, however, that I don’t commit suicide, is love. Ironic isn’t it? Love makes me want to commit suicide, and love makes me not want to. It’s the same love by the way, love for my friend, for the boy I’m going to grad with as a walking partner, the boy who just recently told me that he actually sees himself and his current girlfriend growing old together and having children.
Depression feels like you are standing on the edge of a cliff trying to decide to jump or step back. You are unable to make the decision. So you stare at the oblivion hoping to see some shred of light, some ray of hopefulness to push you to step back. But there you are on the edge, day after day, week after week, staring.
You feel like the fish out of water, flopping on the shore gasping for breath, waiting for death.
I’ve never been diagnosed w/ depression, but when you know you can’t even move w/out feeling empty it’s hit you…yeah i could tell my story …..but they’re all the same stories….it’s a disease that you don’t even know for sure if you have..everyday i wonder what i am or what i’m doing…or if this is even worth dealing w/…..you become distant w/everyone….it hurts to listen to people talk about it…it hurts to listen to music anymore…it’s like this void you just can’t fix…everyday it’s who am i going to hurt becuz i can’t feel any emotion….I CAN’T feel anything in my life i just want it all to end or change…but i’m stuck in the mud..and there’s no one there that understands…am i normal, will i be?!? it’s all questions and no answers..depression is the worst way to live…..
“Been here before…been there and done that, in the end, it’s all the same…pointless. My life, as I once knew it, is over. What I have left, is something that no one on this earth should ever have to endure on their own. Suicide…the end of all things, is as common to me as every breath of fresh air that I take. I don’t want to die…I only want to escape that which I can no longer stand in opposition to…the deathwish of my own life and the end of everything that the future holds for me. I am a living, walking, breathing statistic toward suicide…just waiting to happen. Tonight…I came home, alone…again. I got high like so many other nights in a feeble attempt to escape the mind numbing pain that I feel each and every waking moment of my life now. The only difference with tonight, is that I actually put the barrel of a .45 colt to the side of my temple. And in my fucked up drug induced stupor, I now know this…I actually pulled the trigger this time, only to realize, much to my sadness, that in my drug influenced trip…I seemingly forgot to load the magazine. Whether this was fate or folly, I know not. But…if there is anyone out there as fucked up as I appear to be, feel free to let me know one way, or the other. It would be nice to hear a voice in the dark…alongside my own.
Posted by Glenat June 27, 2004 03:30 AM ”
Reading what you wrote makes me think that it was me.
I’ve suffered with depression for a long time, and can’t even remember when it started. I smoke cigarette and have become addicted to alcohol(it is the only thing that makes me have good feelings and dreams). I’ve been thinking of ending it, but I don’t have access to a gun. When I was 18, I actually had a strong belief that things would get better. Now I am 23 and completely pathetic. I live my days fantasizing about an alternate universe where I am the opposite of my regular self(great looking, very intelligent, and depression-free). My sister is great and I love her so much. She will do well in life and I am not worried. My parents(they are Portuguese immigrants and grew up in poverty but are now doing well) are a different matter altogether–My mother, like my father, is very un-educated and was never prepared to deal with a someone like me. She uses too much of her energy doing things that don’t help me. My father is a nice man and husband but still an ignorant, workaholic construction work. He hates, and criticizes me because he was raised with no education and a firm back hand. I hate him most of the time because I feel most of my negative genetics(looks/depression) come from him/his family–I can’t help but blame them for almost everything. Suicidal thoughts come into my mind daily. I don’t want to die, but since my mental/physical issues can’t be changed, it is the only way.
I’m not aware if depression if related , but this is a list of other problems I have:
My looks disgust me. I put cigarettes out on my hands a year ago. Stretch marks on my arms and moles all over my body, big ear lobes and head(my mother’s fault for marrying/breeding with this dumb bastard–My mother and sister share great looks and I have to look like my midget, big head/ear short father) I can’t take it anymore. Short, ugly people should not reproduce!! My mother’s look-alike sister married an tall, dark, handsome and intelligent man. My cousin is 6′2″(unlike my 5′8″), handsome, and intelligent. He’s on his way to a great life with a beautiful girlfriend. I’m on my way to an early grave. Irritation/envy is part of my everyday being.
when i dream, i dream of life, i dream of happy times, i dream of lies, each and every night i lay and wonder how things went wrong, i feel cold, empty and alone, the saddest part of it all is that i know im not, i just can seem to hanlde the situation correctly, when im with someone i wish to be alone, and when im alone i want to be near anyone that is willing to listen, and that im willing to open to, the sadness is just to deep, i feel like every passing day gets worse, whem something is finnally taking the “right” turn somthing else comes in and crushes the hope away. ive had faith, ive hanged in there, and tried, still i feel cold, empty and most certainly different, like no one can understand me.
ive been told that im a smart, and a great person, yet it doesnt seem to fit, i dont feel that way and by doing so i dissapoint myself.
so depression is knowing that it could all be different, but knowing still that things wont change.
“i stand alone, in the midst of rain, i stand alone with a heart in pain”
my heart feels like an open, festering wound and there is heavy pressure like bricks laying on my chest. some kind of strange anxiety is creeping up my back and over my shoulders. i just want to hide. i want to curl up in some black corner where i can block out the world and sleep or die.
the past is pain, guilt, and regret. the present is empty, meaningless. the future hopeless.
i am tired from the minute i wake up until i get back in bed. i am tired even if i sleep all day. i could cry at anytime. the tears are a tight lump in my through that is begging to burst.
It’s like I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be happy. Every once in a while I’ll feel happy again, for a short time, but it never lasts more than an hour or two, and then it’s right back to being miserable again. It feels like nothing good will ever happen to me, like I am doomed to have one miserable experience after another for all eternity. And I no longer have thoughts of suicide, because I don’t think even death can save me from this misery. If I thought it could, I would surely be dead by now. I just wonder, if there is a god, and if he/she really does love me, where is that love and where are the good things that are supposedly meant for me? I’ve been waiting all my life for good things to finally happen–I’ve worked hard, tried my best to live up to my integrity, tried not to harm others. I’ve been through years of therapy, schooling, healing, church and spiritual endeavors. Yet I cannot get away from the misery. I go through periods of time (usually several months) where I feel like things are starting to look up again, and then suddenly I get hit with unexpected debt, rejection, and abuse all at once and I have to slug through it all at the same time. This happens over and over and over. Will it ever stop? Will my life ever be stable? Will I ever have a family of my own? A partner who treats me with the respect I deserve? Children? Financial stability (at least be able to pay my bills even if I can’t save anything extra)? When I stand up for my right to be treated with respect, I am always alone. Then nobody wants to have anything to do with me. Nobody loves me when I ask for respect. Nobody cares. They could care less if I go to Hell if I’m not meeting their needs to the exclusion of my own. Where is the love?
Depression to me is a constant knowledge of the pointlessness of all things in my life. It’s looking over my future and seeing nothing but bleakness and misery. My whole life is a downward spiral, ever leading me to the same inevitable climax – death, by my own hand.
Depression is sleeping for 14 hours every day, and still having a hard time getting out of bed. It’s those occasional nights when sleep is worlds away, and you sit up in bed, worrying about everything. It’s losing interest in all the video games and books that I used to be so enthralled with, instead spending the day worrying about little things. It’s severing all ties with old friends, and staying away from the parents whenever possible. It’s the lack of hunger, all day long, and having to force myself to eat anything.
Depression is the ultimate cause of uncertainty and indecisiveness, robbing me of the ability to continue with college or work. Depression is breaking into tears over the smallest problems. It’s listening to ear-shattering metal all day at full volume, trying desperately to escape all the pain in my heart. It’s taking a knife to your wrist and pressing it into the skin, sobbing uncontrollably the whole time. It’s the reason why I refuse to believe in God – how could there be a loving, omniscient being watching over me, when I am in such great despair?
Depression, to me, is the ultimate hell on earth, where nothing matters anymore and everything is so terribly wrong. It’s an endless abyss, and in that utter darkness, there is no hope of release. Only death.
No drugs. Our Serotonin production is screwed up. It’s a shame that we have to have it to get through everyday life. We see things how they really are when we are depressed, I think.
I felt better with Wellburtin, Tileptal (sp) and seroquel, but I recenetly missed some doses (quite a few) and now I feel like I’m getting depressed again. Hopefully not. Maybe I can reverse these symptoms if I get back on the right track.
You can feel better! Hang in there! I mean feel really GOOD!
The past few days have been especially bad. I feel like there is a hole in my chest where my heart has been ripped out. The rest of my body is numb. I cry non-stop when I’m not at work. All food tastes bland to me, so I don’t feel like eating. I can’t even sleep at night, but I still have to get up to go to work the next day. I’m about to get fired because I can’t concentrate enough to do the work, and it’s been like this for two months. The pain was so horrible last night I just wanted it to stop, I wanted to stop it any way I could. But I decided to get help before I did something drastic, so I called my friend and asked if I could spend the night. I just could not make it through the night alone. That really helped, at least for the night.
Hello, I’ve been reading alot of this submisions, and feel your pain. I’ve delt with depression on and off as long as I can remember. I’m also an artist/musician working alone in my studio in a spair bedroom,no I’m not famous at all thats for sure, but anyway I mention this because I feel many artists suffer from depression because of the intense overly sensitive creatures we are. Anyway after my last episode I told myself I was going to study what is happening to me. REALLY. Soon after the ball was rollin and goin down, that study soon disappeared into the abyss. I felt like dying, no real problems in my life, no responsabilities other than the regular shit, in debt, yes, but able to stick it out. This is what I gathered, it may not apply to you, but I KNOW ITS TRUE, and so do you and you know it. !. Look at yourself. We have real problems and the problems that get blown out of contol in our heads. These problems get so big that we start to melt and the body reacts, (our minds). We also have different brain chemistry. We also help this process I believe by negative reinforcement. Somewhere in our heads we beat ourselves up, subconsciously, the body does what its told. Some of us cant control this because it happens so much, in little or big amounts that we are suddenly cursed. I’ve had panic attacks, not so much anymore, but at first, if you think depression is a downer, holy crap!! Under huge subconscious stress the body chemistry and brain freak out to defend it self== passing out , complete terror, feeling like your heart is goona explode, turning white like bugs bunny when the cartoon plane was goona crash and he could not stop it. People nock the medication, It worked well for me, I stopped 2 yrs ago, might consiter it, but goona try to tough it out.Now all of youi thinking about killing yourself, dont, I know I’ve thought about it NO.
Try the meds, If you dont try them yo0u are obviously self perpetuating the situation. These drugs had no side effect on me, I thought they would dull my creativity, no. Any side effect is nothing compared to driving yourself crazy. AND that is what we are doing, we are not as fortunate as others, we have to work harder, and by doing that I believe we are usually the most interesting people, we think and think all the time, we burn out, chemistry off, we crash and get numb.For all of you who are allways down, please try the meds,NO MONEY!!!, they WILL work with you, and they wil help. If you listen to the others here who say it did not work its because they have other unresolved issues and enjoy bieng down, they become use to it, and the already suseptible person reinforces this terrible curse. STUCK. we are all beautiful, life is what you make it, I know you feel bad now but if you commit it, any way out, budism, excesise, meds, therapy, whatever you will get through this, seems so far away, we will be free. We will probably have to fight this the rest of our lives, lets get strong, and enough of this DEATH.
I’d like to add another thing about the meds. When I started to take them,A friend who had taken them before wisely told me to let the meds give your head a break, when the meds start to lift your spirits (can take a few weeks) try to appreciate and learn. It gives you a chance to retrain your mind. Feelling bad is what it is use to, dont give it any more help. there is a very good chance that you wont even notice the effects of the meds except that some wieght has been lifted. You can still feel down, but things just seem to roll off you easier, and you begin to enjoy the aftermath of otherwise erritating situations. Retrain your mind, the meds can help. Please talk to any doctor, and he can help. We are all beautiful.
Depression feels like all the happiness has drained out of you, life is dull, grey meaningless. You dont enjoy anything, even things which you used to love.
You are in a little bubble of sadness, you can see through the window happy normal people but you cant get there, you just cant make yourself be happy again.
Its a life of coping, keeping going for other special people in your life in the hope that one day you will be better.
A quote by Abraham Lincoln I think sums the feelings up exactly: “I am now the most miserable man living. If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would not be one cheerful face on the earth. Whether I shall ever be better I can not tell; I awfully forebode I shall not. To remain as I am is impossible; I must die or be better, it appears to me”.
I just wish I could get the voice of family criticism out of my head. every time I see them they refresh it so that I never forget that in some way I am faulty to them. Im not doing something/anything right. Funny thing is, I am doing fine. Often better than they are. But listening to this my whole life, im the bad guy, has just dragged me down. I’ve had thoughts of suicide for 15 years plus! It even brought me here. I have tried to explain to them I dont think the way they do, I cant get a word in. I can give in or I can fight. So far Im fighting.
I know one thing that is free and might help. exercise. go walk/run/cycle somewhere, breath the air, (hug a tree if you have to! and build yourself. it does buy me time and my body then my mind appreciates it.
Depression is an awful creature that crawls into your inner space and if you allow it making a home. Sometimes when the clouds part for just a while and you forget the creature he is always there reminding you not to forget him. Locking the door of the creature only stablizes his comfort and he nestles down deep in your soul. The years have passed as I have tried to unlock the door to free this creature but nothing seems to work. I find now that acknowledging his existance takes away the surprise factor that he loves to use. I acknowledge every day that I must fight this demon and not allow him the power. I surround myself with healthy alternatives and laughter. I cannot be around other depressed people for the creature feeds on this. I understand what he needs for nourishment and I must use the opposite to exist peacefully and happily.
depression for me is like feeling of no hope and no one cares. going to work has become hard for me. lack of energy to do any thing. i find myself at times where i dont like to be around my family and friends. i stay at home a lot. i think of suicide at times is there any medications that can help me. for who ever reads this . thanks for your help.
depression really is so indescribable but ill try. it feels like someone close to you has died but you dont know who it is. you feel like all the things that make you feel at home and that you love feel alien… its like going to a foreign country with a map you cant even understand and you feel so lost and stuck. its so lonely and even if there are people around, you feel so alone. it gets tiring and confusing, and nothing goes right…..
I can relate to a lot of this. I constantly feel like I’m messing everything thing up. Like everything I do is a mistake. I don’t do much because I feel, either like I don’t want to bother, or like if I do I’ll just make a mess of it anyway. My current relationship is crumbling and I feel it’s all my fault. I have a councling apointment today, I’m going to ask about medication. If I don’t do something, anything, I’ll just fall apart.
Starting from the inside,to the inside out
Filtering the sunlight,fade to dark
No Heat,in a burning Sun
A robber,who took the light
then Nothing
michael(of fishes)
I am 32 now and have been depressed for probably about 12 years now. There really have been no good or happy moments in those years, and I honestly mean it. There are moments of less pain, moments of satisfaction with my work and efforts, but never happiness.
I had a girlfriend in high school who I really was pretty crazy about. She was a grade younger than me so I started college a year ahead of her. It really seemed mutual, that there was something truly unique between us, and perhaps such a thing as “true love” existed. Late night conversations till 4am when we both had class the next day about anything and everything, daily phone calls, etc.
Well it was pretty good thru high school. Then we both went to different colleges in the same state. Finally, after about 10000 clues and 6-12 months of downhill days in our relationship with me trying to put things back together she just breaks up with me. This was my sophomore year.
My attitude toward life changed. True love no longer existed and could never exist. I thought I felt it but really was just deceived and played for a sucker the whole time. On top of breaking up with me she decides to rub about 50 different personal things in my face on the way out. Really a mean spirited breakup, like you aren’t good enough as a boyfriend and by the way I’m going to do my absolute best to make you feel as bad as I can on the way out.
My view on human nature was forever changed. Someone who you put that kind of trust in to turn on you and become a bitter enemy for no reason. I had other girls who I dated later on in college, who would probably have been perfect under other circumstances but emotionally I had next to nothing to offer. I started doing drugs and hanging out with a bad crowd. I still got my work done and made decent grades, but I was heading down the wrong path.
I went from being the quintessential “nice guy”, good manners, polite, everyones friend, the person who might even get walked on a little bit because hes so good natured, but still gets up smiling the next day. To a person with a serious meanstreak.
Then after college I moved to NYC and tried to cover up my personal stuff with some serious ambition, i.e. throw myself into my work. My old girlfriend called me out of the blue I don’t even know how she knew I was there. It ended up that I think she just wanted to taunt me and made a point of telling me how many guys she had
been with in college after breaking up with me. Well, I still cared for her at that point, and it was another blow in the face.
My best friends all turned on me later as well. I don’t know if it was post-college jealousy or competition over careers or what, but I was AMAZED at how nasty lifelong friends from 2nd and 3rd grade through college could be to me. These were my best friends thru thick and thin, and turned into my worst enemies. I think about my girlfriend daily, and I think about my best friends who betrayed me daily. It is utterly impossible to be positive and look forward to meeting people now. The hatred and bitterness I feel for these old people burns in me every day. Most people look forward to things in life they enjoy but I look forward to seeing these people suffer for what they have done to me, that would give me satisfaction. My work is in research departments which is pretty isolating, and I never get to meet anyone. I hate my life and I hate the people who ruined it, I would like to see them suffer and experience true misery without end like I have. You would like to think that 5-12 years later after this stuff I would be over it but instead of me getting over it, it is more like this stuff has changed me permanently.
ever since I was a child I have been put down. I have been told that I am stupid, ugly, fat what have you. I have no recollection of most of my childhood except what my mother and sisters have told me. What I do remember haunts me beacuse it’s all the demeaning things that have been said to me. Now that I am older it hasn’t gotten any better I am still put down by my family. No matter what I set out to do they expect me to fail. In my head all that I hear is them at my ear saying it will ever work and I will never accomplish whatever task I am setting out to do. And you know what, I don’t, I fail at everything that I do. Throughout my whole life I have felt worthless and incompetent.I have never in my life felt happy completely. I am in a downward fall that never seems to end just keeps getting worse on the way down. Its not enough just to keep falling into oblivion but lets have her bash her head on some rocks and have branches stab her in the gut and poke her in the eye. As I fall bleeding it never seems enough. One thing after another. I have a few days when things seem to be ok, but it doesn’t last. Because for every one good thing that happens to me about five bad things follow. I have no friends, no one to turn to. I have been battling these feelings for more years than i care to count. I have many suicidal thoughts but never went through with them. I would probably fail at that to. I need help and have nowhere to go. My family thinks that if I home with them everything will get better and my bad feelings will go away. Please help, I am going out of mind with loneliness and despair.
I found myself alternately crying and nodding in agreement with all of your different postings. I wish, just for once, my friends and family could walk in my shoes and understand how miserable and worthless this disease can make you feel. No one seems to “get it” though. I have every reason to feel happy and blessed. I recently graduated from college and have plans to attend law school in August, but instead of planning for law school all I can think about are ways to kill myself. People all the time tell me I’m beautiful, but when I look in the mirror, all I see are flaws. Every relationship I’m in I ruin because I never believe a man could really love me if he knew how fucked up my head is. I always think men only want me for sex and if they could only see how much more I have to offer, they just might love me. I hate my life. I can’t tell anyone how I feel because everyone views me as the strong one, the one who is going to be successful and have a great life. If they only knew how much time I spend on the internet researching ways to kill
myself and mentally planning the note I will write to my parents. I think I have decided to pull my car into the garage and turn on the engine. I’m so scared to die, but sometimes I’m more afraid of living. Why are we like this? I’m never happy for long, the only thing that provides solace is alcohol. I keep thinking that one night I will just get really obliterated and then I’ll finally be able to start the engine in the garage and go to sleep forever. I will pray that God will get us all through one more night. Bless you all!
As someone said earlier its all the same stuff! I am here with all of you, but our stories do differ alot. I wouldn’t say that I thought of killing myself, but I did want to roll into a ball and just die. This is my short story It all started when I was prego lol I wanted to just go away I thought it would be ever for everyone. Then my daughter was born, and a feeling came over me and I remember telling my mother that I can do this I can be a good mama. Then at the end of June (almost 4 yrs later) it came back like a nightmare. I was terrible didnt want to be around my daughter I had this aweful anger at her. I didnt understand why? I love her so very much. I went to the doctor and they switched my meds up started seeing a counceler(?) and I feel that things are starting to get back to normal. People always compared me to the nun on sister act always happy always bubblely, but I dont feel like that anymore. My favorite saying is FOOTPRINTS “When there is only on set of footprints God is carring you” and thats how I feel right know he is carring me. I do not go to church, but I believe that I will get better soon. I have tried meditating and listening to severl self esteem tapes and we are worth it!!
depression for me is loneliness. absolute loneliness and hurt. it is like there is no one there for me. i met a guy on the john butler trio website and he was the best thing ever. but i got scared it would turn against me like everything has a tendancy to do and i pushed him away and in doing so i hurt myself as well. because i was alone again. he was a guy and i thought he would treat me like sh*t like every other guy does.
i feel like i can trust no one. everyone i have loved and cared for hurts me. everyone. my family, my friends, my boyfriends.
i used to be loud and obnoxios, then i had some really bad experiences. and after that, i changed. i became quiet, shy, let people walk all over me. they still do. everyone takes me for granted.
i began to cut myself. i took a razor blade around with me everywhere. the teachers nearly called my parents. i got more and more lost and alone. i tried to kill myself four times. and i was deadly serious. i cried myself to sleep. i cut myself everyday. i burnt myself, i scratched myself, i bruised myself. i did anything that hurt. and began to lose a lot of weight and began to develop an eating disorder. my parents began to worry about me and because they were scared, they were harsh on me. they yelled. they threatened. and of course that made it worse. i hardly slept, i nearly failed my year. i was a mess.
i began to drink a lot, going to parties i wasnt meant to so of course guys would try do things to me because i was so off my head. it it brought back all the memories of my bad experiences. i got worse and worse.
and because my eating was so bad, my iron levels went down. i became anaemic. and becasue i was anaemic, i began to bleed constantly. i bleed for five weeks and two days. so mum took to the doctor and the doctor put me on the pill. i had a bit of trouble with the pill but i finally settled down and my weight piled back on. i’m not fat (though a little voice in my head tells me i am) i used to be ten kilos underweight but now i am two kilos overweight. i put on twelve kilos in two months.
im no better than what i was. but i am still hanging in here and it has really helped to read all the experiences on this site. it makes me feel not so alone. i can relate to this stuff.
all the people on this site, thankyou for sharing such personal things with people like me. and i want you to know, that i will be here if anyone needs me and we can look out for each other. because i can understand what it feels like to be utterly alone. so im here k?
For the past 2 months I have been severely depressed. At first it was just grief over the loss of a boyfriend who was essentially my ideal, my life, everything to me. From the start it was horrible. The day he broke up with me, i threw up about 15 times and couldn’t sleep. The next few weeks, I had no appetite, continuously vomited and was put into the emergency room hooked up to an IV because I lost so much fluid. Eating a small peach during that time would take hours- LITERALLY… i had a bowl of dried cheerios that I attempted to eat for days. I just couldn’t get myself to eat, and within a month, i had lost 10 pounds. I also became anemic because of this. I wanted to kill myself badly. If I had a gun on me at only point within these past 2 months I would have easily shot myself. I made due with suicide websites which disgusted me. While I really wanted to die, just reading them pissed me off. I didn’t want to relate to “those” people. I felt above them in a way yet at the same time had death constantly on my mind because I saw myself as constantly miserable without hope. I mean… depression isn’t seeing life as LIVING, its seeing life as a struggle to get by each day. its a form of misery where your mind is preoccupied constantly with anxiety, thoughts of how great my ex was- good “bad” memories, thoughts of how much i hate my life, how unfair it is, how each day is pointless/futile/worthless. I avoided everyone, was irritable to my parents. This entire 2 month period, I have done basically nothing but sulk in the house, hanging out with people only TWICE. You never want to do anything because nothing is fun anymore. Its hell. Looking at a suicide website with the desire to die is the worst possible feeling there is. My life was so shitty I wanted to drop out of college and just remain co-dependent on my parents forever because I felt like i’d never get the will to do anything ever again. The only thing that helped was reading about depression. I gave anti-depressents maybe 2 weeks and decided they weren’t helping. I tried therapy maybe twice. I hear cognitive therapy helps but the only thing that helped me was reading this website http://www.clinical-depression.co.uk/Understanding_Depression/understanding.htm just understand what depression is, what causes those feelings, what i had to do to change about my thinking. this is honestly the only thing that helped in the long-term. i tried a stupid self-help book. it helped ONE day. just believe me, i wanted to die more than anything and now i feel fine. i realize that my anxiety was just a bad trick of my mind, that everything was. please just read that site. understand the science of whats wrong. infact bury yourself in science. it helps to understand things more than anything.
if that doesn’t work, type on google “depression learning path” and be sure to read “understanding depression” because dude, this site is seriously the only thing that helped me. EVERYTHING ELSE IS BULLSH*T. you gotta learn to change the way you think and you need to understand the science behind depression. It isn’t about screwed up brain chemistry- its affected by worrying/built up anxiety which affects our REM sleep turning it into a vicious, preventable cycle. PLEASE READ THAT SITE. it changed my life. I know what you are all going through- depression has hit me on and off again in my life for the past 3 years and these last 2 months have almost killed me until i read it.
Depression is like a glass cage, but you’re locked outside rather than inside.
You’re in the darkness, watching the people in the light, all smiling and happy… all carrying on their lives without you. No matter what you do, you know that you can never touch them.
You can mouth words to them, but they would never hear you. You can scream and sob and tear out your hair, but there’s no way they can get to you.
They just touch the glass, confused, and move on with their lives. So you cry. You cry a lot… and feel a crushing within you. Locked outside of the little glass cage.
Three months ago, I chose life instead of suicide. Please, I’m begging you to do the same. Our world needs survivors. If you were here right now, we’d talk, straight from the heart. I’d let you get everything off of your chest. But since we can’t do that, please get help. Do whatever it takes, just tell someone. There are anonymous help lines out there; they worked wonders for me, and got many people through some bad episodes.
We know that it’s hard, but you ARE strong, for carrying on this long. Please choose life.
I have been unhappy all my life, even in childhood. 12 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression and was very critical. I have since had so many ups and downs and so tired of it. I was just diagnosed as Bipolar but not very optomistic that the new med will help. I just broke off a relationship and I feel dead on the inside because we both made a connection with each other that has never been made before with anyone else. He wasn’t willing to give much. For the past 3 weeks I have been hiding under my covers never wanting to come out and keep thinking about all the ups and downs and how sick of it Iam. I do think about suicide. I’m tired of life and really don’t want to be a part of it anymore. I would like to know what it’s like to be normal and truly joyful. I have never felt truly loved by anyone. In relationships I get all the jerks. I’m so damn tired of it all!!!!
Detachment. No emotions,I don’t care, it’s cold and calculating. I know what I have to do to change things and don’t even want to. I regret not pulling the trigger six years ago. Right now if I had it to do over the back of my head would be a wet spot on the wall. Yes I’m going through it as I write this. It’s hit hard over the last week. I’m 42 and I’ve done all the things you’re supposed to do. I’ve been persistent in following my dreams for eighteen years. It cost me the love of my life, but I stayed true to myself. Has the persistence paid off? Not a chance. I have to wonder sometimes why I’m even here. I was a mistake anyway. I really don’t feel anything, it’s like I’m not even here.
It started when i entered high school. Everything was fine before;i had a perfect life up until 9th grade. Well, not really perfect but… enjoyable- almost everyday!. It actually started in 8th grade when i felt like everyone was changing, but for some reason i wasnt changing with them. By changing,i mean overall change- all ways but physical.I think i was supossec to…i mean, thats a part of growing up right? But i didnt. It was only when i experienced the way life REALLY is in high school that i did. I felt stupid, left out, naive. It was like everyone else was maturing and i was still a little kid, totally not ready for high school. I couldn’t write,(i used to be a good writer)and my vocabulary was fuckin’ horrible, i didnt know how to express myself at all. But worst of all, my best friend-my other half,my confidant,my bestest buddy ever whom i’ve known since 2nd grade, was slipping away from me too. She was suddenly into boys ALOT and wearing tight jeans and becoming more and more popular.We were so not like that, like everybody else. Yeah thats normal i guess,but it didnt seem so then.I was so heartbroken. It felt like i was being stabbed in the back, like she was leaving me, like she died and i could never communicate with her again.For the 2nd semester in 8th grade,i started to get really sad. I cried all the time, i hated everybody,and i couldnt talk;i couldnt say a single sentence without using the word “like” a million times and getting frustrated.
I didnt understand what the hell was going on.Going to high school was about the only thing i was optimistic about;i didnt like that it was an all girls school, but i was excited to be going there. I thought that it would all go away when i got to high school but i was so wrong. When i got there, i didnt fit in at all. Everyone was so unlike me and the girls hated me. They were and still are disgusted by me. I dont know why though,i was a normal kid.They pushed me around and said nasty things to me, all of them except for the few friendly associates that i had.I started to become socially paranoid and anxious.I could no longer ride public transportation, i took cabs everywhere. I thought people were talking about me all the time even outside of school because i was so used to it.The pain that i suffered through that first horrific year there alone shouldve been enough for me not to experience ANY pain for the rest of my life. I was so helpless and depressed. It all happened so fast,i didnt even know what the hell depression was before i started searching online for crisis hotline numbers.
For a while i was in a state of numbness.I wanted to die but i knew i couldnt. I knew that God would help me through it but for that year and 2 years after, I felt completely forsaken. I had absolutely NO ONE. Family, friends- no one understood.Countless nights i would listen to my favorite music and fantasize about living a normal teenagers life and cry uncontrollably after, tugging at my clothes and rolling around on the floor untill the cd stopped;thats when i would lay on the floor in the twisted position in which i stopped rolling for hours until parts of my body hurt because they were so numb.
I’m still there. I’m still very depressed and lonely. Still no one understands,but i have the Lords guidance and you guys to talk to. I’m so happy that i am not alone. Trust in the Lord and He shall guide you and help you through life’s obstacles. Remember… depression is an obstacle that we must fight to overcome. We can do it!
I feel like I am dying, both physically and psychologically. My entire body and psyche is filled with tormenting pain — so much so that I MUST DO SOMETHING to numb it. My brain feels like its trying to kill me. I am hopeless and helpless. I am dead… a walking zombie with neither a soul or physical body. I am like the clothes hung out on the clothes line flapping violently in the wind — with no direction, just clothes, empty and worn, without a body to fill them.
My speech and movements are slowed to a snails pace, I stare in one place for moments to hours. I take to my bed as if it is my coffin.
I do little, if anything, to live. I have no desire/energy to get out of bed, eat, take care of my needs like do laundry, put water in my dog’s bowl, cut the grass, answer the phone, use the bathroom (except when it is ABSOLUTELY necessary), bathe, and so on. There are many times that I tell myself, “Okay, on the count of 3, get up off the couch and go put the dishes in the dishwasher. One… Two… Three…” And, there I sit, my body fails to respond and I continue to sit and stare into outer space with the berating thoughts of “what the hell is wrong with you?” “why can’t you do a simple task like put one dish in the dishwater?”
Sometimes I want, and have, hid in the closet with the door shut stabbing myself with the end of a wire hanger while I scream and cry my guts out. My one dog was very confused by my behavior the first time she saw me do this. She kept pawing at the closet door to get at me. I held the door shut so she couldn’t open the door.
When the voices start, they scream inside my entire being “Doesn’t any body get it? I am hurting here! Is any body listening? Does any body give a fuck?” I need some comfort here and everyone turns their back on me and walks away. Ahh, but when they need comfort and support — it is my job to help them. All of this makes my head hurt and the room feel like its spinning.
The toil continues. This dis-ease is cunning, baffeling, and powerful.
Today, I suffer from suicidal obsession — my therapist says its my way of trying to deal with my pain. Going to a psych unit in a hospital does me no good — its only a place of containment. So I’ll have to cope any way I know how — finding this web site has helped.
I feel as if I’m caught in a whirlpool. Constantly spinning faster and spiralling downward. I can’t escape. When that happens, I drink. It stops the spinning for a few days, then it starts again, even faster. I stop pretending and go into the darkness. So far there has always been someone there to pull me out.
i always feel like everyone hates me, i can never do anything right, i am selfcontious. everyone says i am too pretty to be a ‘grouch’, and i need to smile more. but i don’t really think there is a reason to be happy, and i don’t think i am pretty but i have at least 7 or 8 guys that ask me out and they are all my friends. i have even cut myself acouple times, i know it is bad but when i did it i felt so good, and i am also on the verge of being anorexic. i just can’t help it i just get so upset that i don’t want to eat. i am trying to get help but can’t be on antidepressents because i am 15 an most of them could more suicidal actions. its like im in a tweilight zone kinda thing, everyone around me are all happy and im just not and it feels like i don’t belong.
Imagine walking down the middle of the street with traffic coming at you
from both sides. The colors of the cars are blurred and blend together. The sun
is out, but not bright and seems almost as if a tinted pane of glass covers it.
Sometimes you are walking blankly toward the fast oncoming traffic, as if you
don’t even notice it is there. Other times you are paralyzed by enormous fear
that everything coming at you is a threat. The adrenaline is pouring out into
your body causing you to fight back, freeze, or run for cover. This is the state
I spent the last three years going in and out of. I had a million excuses for
why I felt this way, and why I could never seem to snap out of it. All of these
were valid, tragic and stressful, but it would go on too long. I keep thinking
when I get through this or that I will be better. I kept believing that it is
just around the corner, but it is always, just out of reach. Most of the time it
is as if there is a glass wall between the world and me and I couldn’t break the
glass.
Depression feels like a slow but consuming malignant form of emotional cancer that has eluded healing or any long lasting typical treatments–the love of a parent, a spouse/significant other, the pursuit of pleasure, a career’s pinnacle of success, the love of God, a caring community of friends/church/support groups, medication, exercise, psychotherapy, counseling, kicking your dog, kicking your neighbor’s 3am barking fucking dog, graduations, travel, new experiences, yes even great food, sex and that one true love if you’ve ever been as bold enough to say you honestly know what true love truly is,….
But enough of that, what about me? I just realized in the last 7 days that my suicidal dreams could not be cured even by having enough—money, importance, love, accomplishment, etc. And that is really depressing. I am stuck with myself and worst of it, my past hurts and mistakes that have impacted others. Suicidal tendency runs in families, I believe. My father was 38, I was 12, when he O.D’d on tranquilizers for his schizophrenia. Now I am 38. I cut my wrists 6 months and woke up unable to stand but I didn’t bleed enough—probably was that fucking cold cement garage floor. And yada yada, psych ward 9 days, outpatient counseling 3 weeks, yada yada, wife changes locks on our house door and we live in separate states now, and on it goes. Does the ride of depression begin before or after you get on? Is it the ticket of failure that gets you a seat or is it the sheer maddening helljoy once the ride is over? For me, it’s failure. I miss my “other” life I may I have had, had I not been who I am—I always wanted what I really never had–to be a husband and father that said “I love you” to his wife and kids. Who’d be there to provide, guide and encourage. Instead I have become what I had—alcoholic, addiction oriented, fiancially, morally, spiritually irresponsbile, hopelessly romantic, flawlessly bored with my shortcomings and ready to sacrifice my life for the one great love of my life, Beth, my wife of 9 years this September. I want her to have a second chance at life and love. To have children. To travel to Italy. To not worry financially….I want to get it right this time around but when is it ever the right time or place to end your life for another? Especially when you are not particularly brave like me. Or have God guilt about hell and suicide….that sort of thing.
No, I don’t have depression, but my partner does. I can’t seem to make her understand how much I care for her and that I want to help – or maybe she doesn’t care that I care. I really don’t know. I want to help. It hurts me to see her in so much pain and know that I can do nothing to ease it. I want to spend my life with her, but she feels that she would just pull me down with her.
Is there nothing I can do? She has tried every kind of medication there is out there, and those all seem to make her feel like she is going crazy.
I know there actually is nothing anyone can do about this, and I know there is no cure for what my baby has. Rhetorical question, I guess, but I ask myself that over and over.
my 51st year is coming soon. for only what seem to be fleeting moments have i felt i “belonged” here. things you care about get taken away so often you end up not wanting anything anymore. even dying offers no relief or hope. there is a constant reminder that everyone else came equipped with something you lack. there is a constant stream of hostility and disappointment one sees in people’s attitude toward you.
The people out there that do not have the contant sad and low feelings that I and most depressed people have are so lucky. Wouldn’t it be nice for one year out of your life to feel happy, yes still have normal stress but feel happy. Those people out there that do are so lucky. I wish I could walk in their shoes for one year of my life. Then they could walk in mine and see how lucky they really are.
when i think of a depressed person i think of me cos thats all i feel, i feel so alone and sad all the time. ive been cutting myself on and off for bout 2/3 yrs but its got worse this past yr. i been drinking alot i also got into drugs at one point but havnt done that for bout a month now. everything good that happens to me seems to get messed up and its all my fault, im stupid and ruin everything which means i feel even more alone. i dont feel like i can trust any of my friends, wot if they r talking bout me behind my back or saying stuff to others bout wot ive told them. ive been seeing a councellor for a few months now, went to c the doctor to he is considering putting me on antidepressants if i go back to c him, but i hate going to the doctor, i cant tell him how i really feel,i feel silly sitting in the chair trying to explain how i feel wen i cant even explain it to myself. life seems so hopeless, an worthless, ive had lots of suicudal thoughts and bout how i would do it, ive come very close to it b4 now im scared if something pushes me over the edge i will go the full way.
I’m ashamed of my thoughts and how they escape me.
I fear dreadful danger on Doom’s endless day.
They stray in the Psalms down paths not proper, run riot,
make mischief in great God’s eyes,
Through bustling throngs and flocks of wild women,
through forests and towns more swift than the wind.
One time they will travel by paths that are pleasant;
by paths not so pleasant, I confess, at another.
So crooked, they cross, the sea without ships,
or spring in one leap from Earth up to Heaven.
They run their mad races, near and afar,
then return to their home, their wild wandering done.
Though you try to restrain them or fetter their feet,
they’re too fickle and thoughtless to try to stand still..
No blade and no whiplash can keep them in place.
They slip like an eel-tail out of my grasp.
No lock, no arched dungeon, no fetters on Earth—
No fort, ocean, bleak stronghold can hamper their course.
Beloved, chaste Christ, who sees all eyes,
gracious spirit hold them in check.
Govern my heart, elemental dread God.
Be thou my beloved, that I bend to thy will.
May I join with Thee close, in union O Christ,
Thou not thoughtless nor fickle unlike to myself.
This is Sean again from Aug 11 posting. I can’t promise anything to anyone here about giving them hope or a solution but after reading many of the postings here and believing I am seeing more clearer in my life and that there are reasons and purposes to my pain and crap and suffering such as understanding and comforting those like me in this world, if you want to email me, I will listen and respond. I know it is impossible to believe/feel/live most of the time but if you want to talk to someone who has been through a father’s suicide at age 12, addictions of all sorts, bad relationships, spiritual darkness, guilt, recent suicide attempt (6 mos ago both wrists slashed), medication, Psychotherapy, books, prayer, Jesus Christ, marital separation, lust, loneliness, etc. then go ahead and email me: sphartemail@yahoo.com
Depression is like being held against the floor with a weight on your chest. It is difficult to breathe. You see people walking around, but you can’t seem to reach out to them to ask for help… and most of the time, they just walk past as you struggle in silence. You want to cry out, but you have no voice. Feelings don’t happen at the right times… like your wires are all crossed. Sometimes you want to lash out…but when you have pushed everyone away and are all alone, you have no one but yourself…to hurt. Or maybe someone is near… and you say or do something that you never EVER forgive yourself for… or forget. You think about it every day, along with so many other things. Imagine being locked in a room with several stereos all playing something different… a wall of Televisions… all on different channels… and someone standing beside you asking question after question….strange questions sometimes… berating you for your shortcomings….and you can’t turn any of it off, nor can you escape.
You try to cheer yourself up by getting dressed up, maybe changing your look…. but even the most beautiful of ornate cages is still only an empty cage if the creature inside is gone. Depression is a wicked foe.
This websiste is good for me. The person I wanted to be close to, who I thought was my close friend says she is too busy for me. She says I need to change my life and my expectations, Basically, she says she has no time for me. I am tired of this happening. I am so tired of everything. I am always climbing uphill. I need to have a friend, but, they don’t seem to need me. I have had two other close friends that I have had to leave behind. Now there are three. How can my life be filled to brim with casual aquaintances and no one who wants to take the time it requires to go deeper than that? I am so tired of being on the surface. When I go deeper, people run. Are they running from me because I am not worth being friends with? THis is what I think when I want to die. I am so tired of trying and if I died I would not work anymore and I could float. I want so much to rest and float. Like being on the water and safe from them hurting me. I am very caught up today in feeling I am not good enough to deserve relationships. I hate the person who has turned her back on me today. Yet, I don’t. I guess I just hate me for wanting it all. I wish I were numb and did not need friendship and could just function by skimming the surface like so many of them do. I want to cut out the part of me that wants more, because it can’t be matched up with anyone. Is this what depression feels like to me? Sure sounds like it!
To me depression is feeling distant. Its like you are watching your life through a video screen, able to see things, hear things, but just not respond how you want to. Things pass by, people pass by, people you would give your life for, but they don’t really care do they?
Depression gives me chest aches, makes me run away from everything to be alone, and then collapse and weep. It makes everything seem so useless and empty. Worst of all, it makes the things we love so distant. The things that make us, and our lives, are separated from us by a condition we cannot control. I just wish I could have these things back, and they could see how much they meant to me. Maybe then they would love me back
Depression feels like being covered with all the WEIGHT OF THE WORLD on your shoulders. Like every bad thing that happens is because of YOU. Depression feels like an ENDLESS NIGHT night. One that doesn’t allow a sliver of reflected moon for even a mooment.
Depression feels like confirmation of all the BAD YOU’VE KNOWN ABOUT YOURSELF forever is now realized.
Depression is a ticking clock awaiting DEATH. I think about suicide constantly. Can’t sleep no matter what I do.
Depression is PAIN. I just want this neverending pain to stop.
Depression is SCARY. I am afraid I will not have control and I will kill myself. I’ve already told my drs that if I do it, I’ll do it right. I won’t allow myself to fail because the pain from the failure would be deeper than the pain of now.
I Am here now in my room,going online n feeling fine. Exactly 24 hours ago, I was crying uncontrollably, slashing my wrist. There’s this constant murmurs inside my head and i wish they would just go away. I always feel better after hurting myself..This is my depression. I wish Im dead every single time of the day. I wish, if anything bad was to happen, then it would happen to me n not someone who still enjoy this life. I get some kind of panic attack every day, and I feel ‘dead’, always..Im too afraid of talking to people because otherwise ‘guilt’ and fear would overcome everything and I would start crying. I withdraw myself from the people im close to, even my family, because I cant just be depressed the whole time in front of them, and I am REALLY tired of pretending..I get paranoid and anxious, and a big anger for not knowing why Im even like this..I wish that I would become my old self, having a reason to live again..
In my worst moments depression feels as if I have become an unemotional robot devoid of desire to taste, touch, smell, hear or see. I become mechanical. My spirit, mind and body crack, squeak, pop, and burst without any lubrication of joy or zest for life. I feel trapped in my own container……..however. I also know what healing and hope from depression feels like and everyone needs to know there is hope and healing available. But it can’t and will not ever come from circumstance or another human being, at least not with any permanency. Like I said, 6 months ago, I had no hope for my life and took a razor and made sashimi of both my wrists, up, down, left, right, diagonal deep cuts. My wounds looked like budding flowers as the skin peeled itself up from my veins and tendons. But I woke up. I couldn’t walk but I could climb 2 flights of stair dragging my body to a phone where I called for help. And that is how my journey back to hope started. In Hell but I know God refused to let me bleed to death. Today my heart and soul bleed with all of you who feel like killing yourself. You are loved by God and I. Call me or email me I will pray with you. Reach out if you want to live. It does require faith but even in our faithlessness or unfaithfullness, God is always Faithful to us in that he Loves us. And I love you my hurting sisters and brothers. I want to give you hope and comfort. seanhart1@comcast.net
“I cry aloud to the Lord; I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy. I pour out my complaint before him; before him I tell my trouble. When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who know my way….Look to my right and see no one is concerned for me. I have no refuge; no one cares for my life….Listen to my cry for I am in desparate need…Set me free from my prison…” Psalm 142
“The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love. The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made…” Psalm 145:8-9
Wow, first posted on here on May 8th. Was a very very depressed boy then. I’d had a real bad year and not long broken up with my girlfriend, which fucked me up a lot as well as all the problems I;d just ignored for years. However this Summer I’ve been very lucky and managed to pull myself back up to the level that you long to be at when you’re depressed. The first step for me was to stop taking drugs – every week I was getting through approximately 1/4 ounce of hash, 15 – 20 tabs of E, lots of whizz, lots of Ket and the occaisional line of coke, when i could afford it.
That was a big acheivement in itself and since mid June, I’ve not touched a single thing, save alcohol. When I realised that I’d actually achieved something, I felt so much better about myself and felt confident to try and sort out the problems I’d been avoiding. Now I’m so much happier! I’m off to start University in a few weeks and I can’t wait.
I just hope my success story shows that some people do come out the other side and do feel better!!!
life is kinda fucked up , you stop doing E , weed and drinking and you think your life will get better but things just seem to stay the same and more problem occur.
I have been struggling with bi-polar disorder for about 15 years. But I am depressed most often. What it feels like is God decided to damn me with this horrible, unescapable cloak of sadness and despair. I have been on every med known, I think. My good friend recently told me that I needed a kick in the ass. Yeah, that helps. Thanks so damn much.
What does depression feel alike? Depression feels like depression for eternity if there was no heaven, no impossible love that actually could engulf me and tell me every truth I believed about myself was actually a lie. That I was very much loved, that I had immense value, that I was meant for a purpose…..
Depression is praying to God to let me die but never having my prayers answered. It is known that my actions will hurt my family but not finding a way out, it is knowing that I will die alone and welcoming it. who knows if this will be the only record off how I feel, only the next couple hrs/days/wks?
Depression is self hate. Disgust. Fear. Pain. Lonliness. Shame. Depression doesn’t let you accept compliments. Depression allows you to remember insults only. Depression is a void you can’t fill. Depression is never being a part of anything. Depression is failure. Depression is knowing you’ll never be good enough. Depression makes you get up after you’ve been knocked down. Depression ………………
I feel so empty. Every day I drag myself out of bed and force myself to go to school feeling like I am living the same day over and over again. I feel so bored and never look forward to doing anything, i never get excited anymore and i constantly feel like someone is ripping me apart. Just being around other people and having to pretend i am happy is so painful, i find it hard to smile, having a conversation with somebody is such a chore. Because of this i have withdrawn myself from my friends, i never want to have to socialise with anyone. The only person i do want to speak to has shut me out of his life completely. I had the most perfect boyfriend in the world who i love more than he will ever know. He broke up with me about a month ago, at first i thought it was because he was so depressed he couldnt handle having a girlfriend and didnt want to hurt me with his depression, i thought he may even be suicidal. Every night i cry myself to sleep praying he will get better. I just hope he comes back to me one day, i dont want to be with anybody else and im willing to wait as long as it takes for him to get through this. Sometimes i tell myself to give up and that he only broke up with me because he doesnt like me but doesnt know how to tell me that. I get so confused and so upset, sometimes i cut my forearms because physical pain is easier for me to handle than the emotional pain which is tearing me apart. I hate myself so much sometimes, i want to help him, what hurts most is that i secretly know he is never going to come back to me, that makes me feel so alone. If you ever happen to read this tom, i love you so much, there is never a moment when i am not thinking about you. I am seeing psychologist because i am suffering from depression and have been bulimic since i was 13. When will all this end? When will the pain stop?
O LORD , hear my prayer,
listen to my cry for mercy;
in your faithfulness and righteousness
come to my relief.
Do not bring your servant into judgment,
for no one living is righteous before you.
The enemy pursues me,
he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in darkness
like those long dead.
So my spirit grows faint within me;
my heart within me is dismayed.
I remember the days of long ago;
I meditate on all your works
and consider what your hands have done.
I spread out my hands to you;
my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.
Selah
Answer me quickly, O LORD ;
my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
or I will be like those who go down to the pit.
Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.
Rescue me from my enemies, O LORD ,
for I hide myself in you.
Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
lead me on level ground.
For your name’s sake, O LORD , preserve my life;
in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.
In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;
destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant.
i havent been sleeping well for years…
Dead of the night – Im lookin at snaps of the girl I’ve been in love with, a decade ago.
Im missing all that used to be a decade back.
I wonder where 10 yrs have gone…
I’ve been a workoholic and an alcoholic makin money, saving, creating financial security so the next one doesnt think im a loser and leave.
now the moneys there. all friends are already married and gone.
Girls I’d have liked to be with are mothers now…
nothin pleases me. nothin i do. everything bores and i cant just understand the purpose of my existance.
I’ve brawled, broken bones, travelled across the country on an easy rider royal enfield, painted canvasses, played guitar, been an employee, and an employer, worn suits in corporate boardrooms, made money, lost money, anxiety attacks, sleepless nights… made some more money again, bought a house, sold it, got a bike sold it, got a car, another bike, built muscles, broke bones and lost em, fought alcoholism for 3 yrs completely clean just to start again, grew out my hair half way down to my back just to have a crew cut, did that 3 times… dated hot chicks, tried to fall in love, never worked that out…
now… 10 yrs later… what do i do next ?
I’ll be 30.
everyone i grew up with has grown away…
I still cant connect with any women i meet regardless of whether i like em or they like me…
Im still missing the one i was with for 5 yrs 10 hrs a day, a decade ago.
and she’s on the other side of the globe, untracable, married , single, alive, dead, i got no lead to find out.
Im tired… waiting…
tired of everything…
just what do i wake up to next… ?
depression isnt about not having one particular thing.
it’s about not wanting anything atall cause nothin can please.
you fall back on memories…. think about the good ol days when u felt invincible and alive.
now… you know you’re just 30 but u feel like you’re 70.
it isnt about self pity.
its just wanting to sleep and never wake up.
dont wanna change much of what happened cause thru all the ups and down it was a hell of a ride…
but just tired now.
no fuel left inside.
nothin to go on…
no will. no desire.
no governing logic.
no drive.
just a craving for sleep which your mind never allows or your memories never permit.
this is beyond analysing and rationalising or getting drunk trying to distract your own self…
you can fool anyone but your ownself.
it isnt about searching for solutions to change circumstances.
its about not having even the energy to contemplate any MORE attempts at turning life around…
its about the mind dying.
nothingness…
Yeah well i don’t really give a shit either way… I’m gonna die, and it’s probably me killing myself. Who’s gonna stop me? I don’t want support, but it seems in my poetry i need it. what i need is to be locked up in an institution where PEOPLE will stop talking to me altogether and where i’ll be in silence for the rest of my life…
It feels, at this moment, like falling into a deep void that I will never be able to climb out of. My family, although I have begged them to try to understand what is happening to me, chooses not to – instead calling me LAZY and telling me to GET OFF MY ASS. I want to be the person I used to be. I want it more than anything in the world. When I try to explain why I am so tired I am told that my SOB STORY will not work with them. I do not want pity! I just want some understanding. I need them to understand that what they say to me is the equivalent of stepping on my fingers while I am climbing out of the hole.
Depression is like being caged in a dark room. four walls and no way out. I see a light in the distance and I can’t reach it. It’s like the whole world is against me watching my every move. I try to be better and I keep falling. I am scared and hopeless, angry at myself. I cry myself to sleep everyday wondering what I did wrong.
I cry for everything, I feel stupid and worthless. I get angry easy and I find ways to fight with my boyfriend. He loves me and I love him so much. He is the best thing that has ever happend to me. and I am scared that he is going to leave me. I am not happy with myself and I feel like I am not good enough. He doesn’t understand how I feel. So I think about leaving him so he can be happy. I feel like he is miserable with me, because he is tierd of listening to me whine and cry all the time. I have to many problems and I am scared that he is just with me because he feels sorry for me. I am sad most of the time and when I am happy it doesn’t last long because I get paranoid that something bad is going to happened. I am drowning myself with all these emotions and I can’t stop them. “The same old jenni crying” it hurts when they don’t understand. I want to scape but I can’t. I want to sleep and never wake up.
Depression is wanting to be alone all the time. It’s rushing home to get into your apartment so that you feel safe, you’re in your own world, a cocoon… where no one can ask anything of you. It is a deep sense of dread when you contemplate your life and the things you have to do, feeling very overwhelmed even by the smallest tasks. It is getting very irritated when people ask what are your goals…where are you headed? Or being annoyed by people grilling you about your plans for the weekend, you feel as though they are trying to trap you. It is having panic attacks so bad you feel as though you are being suffocated, or having a heart attack. It was the worst breakup of all time that probably really triggered it and it also could stem from a long term illiness that no one can resolve such as postural orthastic syndrome. That is a disease/condiction where you black out all the time, feel like you have the flu (comparable to the worst hangover ever, and some days are ok other days you are rooted to the bed completely dizzy and drained with piercing migranes and racing heart to boot. It is taking tons of medications that still don’t alleviate the problem. Then missing 9 weeks of work throughout a six month span having to take medical leave most of it unpaid and barely having enough cash to get by living check to check totally stressed and having other employees talking behind your back resentful they have to take on your work, yet you show up as much as you can sick as a dog. You are so depressed by being sick so long you don’t care anymore. You feel asexual as a worm. Makeup is a chore, if you even bother, showering wears you out, you can’t get enough sleep, you gain or lose weight, you are at home all the time reading magazines sometimes not even seeing what you read, and watching movie after movie because that is all you can handle. You can’t handle running errands because you feel like everyone can see you dying inside. You try to put up this front for everyones benefit but they start to see you are smiling on the outside but crying on the inside. Your eyes look deadpan. You are a walking ghost. YOu start to try immersing yourself in anything you can to keep your focus off feeling this way but it’s unbearable pain. You feel along yet need to be. You find it pointless to talk to people when it is a farce. Why bother hearing about their menial problems when you can’t even deal with your own? No one really cares about you anyway they just want to use you to bounce their ideas and problems off of, or use you as a prop to go out with so they don’t have to go alone. It’s living in a city you abhor away from your friends. It’s having everything that could possibly go wrong all at once and not being equipped to deal with it at all. Car dying completely broke. Having cavities so bad you need crowns but can’t afford it. Needing glasses and contacts and you can’t afford it. Having no bed,(it broke the springs cut you) can’t afford it so you have to steal a mattress from the hotel you rent a room in which is the size of a cot way way to small and thin as a board so the one thing you enjoy sleep is pointless. It’s having friends keep asking you to do stuff and having to repeatedly try to tell them you have no cash and if you did you still wouldn’t want to deal with them, but you can’t say that because you know it’s cruel. Where did you go? What happened to the old fun me? I had so much fun 10 years ago. That is depression in a nutshell. Welcome to hell. Sometimes you feel like you must’ve died when it started and you went to hell and this is hell everyday because even 100mgs of Zoloft don’t work. Hang in there everybody thats all I can offer as comfort, at least I’m not alone.
Everything feels boring, you have no interest of doing anything, no matter how fun it used to be or how fun everyone seems to tell you it is.
You just walk around aimlessly thinking negative thoughts and yourself and suicide feels like the best solution, the only way out. How can the after life be worse than this? Being very very bored is the worst thing I have ever felt, sitting in a chair for 5 hours with nothing happening and not being able to sleep. It feels like you want to go on top of a building and just scream your insides out (literally).
Am I depressed? It feels like it, but everyone just thinks I have a bad attitude and that I need to get my shit together and do something about it. My mother had depression for years before being diagnosed, so did I get it from her or just develop a bad personality from being around negativity all the time? Who knows, who cares. I didn’t use to be this way. I’ve gained about 30 pounds in the past 9 months. That’s a lot for me, or anyone for that matter (I’m 5′4″ and weighed just under 130 nine months ago, now I’m over 150). I gained all this weight about 2 months after a new job. It was extrememly stressful for me and I quit about 6 weeks ago. I was there about 9 months total. No one could understand why I was so stressed, “It’s just a job” they would tell me. They would say this knowing that the company I worked for had about 10 people in my positon within the past 2-2 1/2 years. (And I was there about 9 months – what does that say?) Anyway did my weight gain cause depression or did depression cause weight gain? I don’t know, allI know is that I feel like a fucking cow. I look like I’m nine months pregnant and I have 1 pair of pants(jeans) in my wardrobe that fit me and even they’re tight. I exercise and I admit my diet isn’t that great, but it’s no diferent than it was before. I don’t leave the house anymore or do social things because i
depression is not being able to tell your friends how you feel…its going to school with that same fake smile…making everyone think youre so happy go lucky and getting mad at yourself for being so fake just like everything else in the world.. depression is that knot in your stomach that wants to let everything out but you cant because everyone will think your stupid because theres so many other people in this world that are less fortunate…depression is wanting to be a little kid again because there were no worries in life back then…depression makes you cry about nothing and everything…depression is lack of self confidence..depression is doing all the things you used to love to do..but its not as fun anymore..depression is that feeling when you think something is gonna go right..but it doesnt..depression is depression..it sucks to be this way..but i cant help it
If you find something that works for you, then great. But please don’t come up with a “cure-all,” and expect you to be correct and all others incorrect. It’s like a televangelist faith-healer…if those buggers could do what they pretend to do, then why aren’t they doing their healing in a hospital? I went to the website mentioned earler by two contributors (http://www.clinical-depression.co.uk/Understanding_Depression/understanding.htm) and basically, what I found was another alleged “breaktthrough,” which blames the sufferers of this disease for their own suffering. How sad.
I know this is not the “forum” area, and I don’t mind if my comments are taken down, but I would hope that the (perhaps) ads for that website are also taken down. Many of the quotes from that website are taken from a book called “Human Givens.” The books come from “The european therapy studies institute,” and once you read all the way through the “understanding depression” thing, you are asked to pull out you credit card and pay for a PDF of the “book” you just read, or to be fair, give your email for a free version. Also, at the end of the long “ending depression” thing, you are offered a link to their main website, (http://www.uncommon-knowledge.co.uk/), where, after you’ve been told that depression is not an illness, and is directly related to your CHOICES of thought patterns, resulting in a theory of having too much REM dream sleep, and that medication is bad, and causes relapse, and many other things and theories prefaced by “recent studies show” without mentioning WHAT those studies were or WHERE they came from or WHO did them, after all that wonderful information, after ALL that, you are offered, at the uncommonknowledge website, a pile of soft, “self confidence” related products to buy. Check out this ONE page, on the subject. Note its shabby graphic design, stock photography, and a CD offer. The CD costs 35 pounds, or 50 bucks:http://www.self-confidence.co.uk/
But I went to the website, because I believed in what the others wrote. Maybe people like us need to have the part of our brains that trusts others removed. Maybe that’s what we need.
Typical. Break people down, tell them it’s THEIR OWN FAULT, and then sell them stuff.
Here is the truth: You have no control over your appetite, your sleep patterns, and the clarity of your thought, and memory/will to decide.
When we are SERIOUSLY sick, we all mention the same things in regards to the PATTERNS of sleep, appetite, thought, and the ability to make decisions. These all point to a brain disease. Do you “decide” to lose your appetite? Do you “decide” to wake up early?
Add booze to a body, and it wants to fight. Add cocaine, and it wants to party. Add pot and it wants to eat. Add LSD and it starts hallucinating things.
SOME of us react poorly to stress. SOME of us are weak in a way we don’t fully understand. SOME of us have had a hard and cruel time, and had our hearts broken, and THAT may have been the stability we needed to keep ourselves above the sickness called depression.
It’s like our bodies. Some people, if starved, will get sick in ways others do not. Some people, when kicked around by life, are so sensitive that they fall. They needed the power of love and were denied it, or had it taken away…their gifts for sensitivity instead became liabilities.
Then, once sick, we all, who are seriously ill, suffer in the same way, in many respects.
We are not “choosing” to “ruminate” on bad thoughts. Life has wounded us, and we can no more ignore it than any of us could ignore a knife stuck into our gut.
We get hurt, we get denied what we need, and we get sick. Not everyone gets sick like this, but that doesn’t mean that we are not sick.
None of us “choose” this suffering. If we were not separated from what we need, or, if we were not damaged by cruelty, we’d be okay. We’d be helping our common cause with our gifts for sensitivity and understanding. Instead, life pours water into the CPUs of our brains. We short circuit, and suffer damage. We struggle to heal, and we are not CHOOSING THIS SUFFERING.
It’s a chore to have to debunk nonsense.
Again, bless you if it works for you, but I will not accept the idea that we “choose” this. We, of all people, do not need to BLAME ourselves for the cruelty the world has FORCED upon us. There are varying degrees of “depression,” and the serious form is NEVER “chosen.”
Perhaps I’ll quote the cartoon character, The Tick: “You’re not going crazy, you’re going sane in an insane world.”
Knowing taht it will never change. Spending days hoping to improve. Trying multiple times to make things better. Never seeing long term results. Knowing other people are accepted and happy. Knowing this will never end.
I’m depressed about everything. If I go out, then I spend money. If I stay inside, I limit the possibility of something bad happenning or doing something out of a compulsion to alleviate feelings of anger, resentment, pain, or misery. Finding a nice lady to relax with puts my mind at ease. But it’s depressing because women want you to spend money on them to show how much you care. I sometimes like to trip out and think about how cool it would be to have my own island and choose one nice kind lady to be with.
It feels like everybody and everything sucks and there’s no reason to be happy. When I look around, I see everybody as ugly and greedy. I feel that people are selfish, greedy monsters who just want more and more! They’re never satisfied. Their greed is like a bottomless pit, a bottomless pit to hell. Then I become angry and violent but I know that will cost me, either in court fees for bashing someone’s face in or in some other unexpected form. I have a combination of depression mixed with some violent tendencies. I like to just become motionless and not move at all when I feel like that. When I was younger I used to let people know when they pissed me off but now, I can’t because letting them what bothers me , reveals my weakness, and revealing my weakness allows them to have control of me, therefore I just remain distant and unattached. I hope that I can find a more positive perspective. Maybe a good woman with big boobs and a big butt could calm my nerves. Yeah! that’s the ticket I feel better now!
Does it really get any better? I know I have improved in the last 8 months but the suicidal feelings are still as strong as ever I scour these pages looking for I don’t know what, some kind of answer to what I feel every day. I wake every morning feeling that another day has to be passed. I feel like I’m in a brick wall that can let no one in, yet I want to be able to let someone in anyone, acceptance, love, hope, self worth, caring, sharing but I can’t I can’t trust I can’t feel the antidepressants took care of that. I feel like an island floating alone wanting to be alone but wanting to be loved and accepted. I can’t even relate to my children anymore. They don’t or can’t trust me anymore after four suicide attempts I don’t blame them, I have totally blown them away with the intolerance the lack of being able to relate to them anymore, the inability of being able to keep up with the housework, cook meals etc. For me the emptiness, loneliness the worthlessness is hard to bear, but for my children I have to try, I don’t believe that I will make it I have so much self loathing, guilt, unhappiness, I spend my days trying to forget the feelings by working all the time when I work I don’t think, if I don’t think I don’t feel if I don’t feel I don’t hurt, if I don’t hurt I can keep trying. I feel like I won’t or can’t stand this much longer I can’t really even communicate how I really feel and don’t know the right questions to ask the counsellor, the phychiatrist was worse he didn’t help at all, if I’m not in turmoil and unable to stop I am at a complete standstill I don’t know which is worse. Turmoil is uncontrollable desire to bang my head against the wall release the demons inside that have opened pandora’s box leaving me whirling like a leaf in a cyclone, the most dangerous time for me I am very unpredictable in that state. Then comes the down time when I just feel empty like I need to cry a million tears that just won’t come. I can’t cry I can’t feel I can’t breathe, I shake inside and feel like the demons are eating me from the inside out. I don’t believe my time here will last too much longer but as I am forever the fighter unfortunately I can’t stop myself from trying even though every day is just like the last torture, emptiness uselessness and unhappiness, I have no real positive feelings anymore I don’t think I ever did, my children are what I try to show example to but now I believe they would be better off without me. I am a bad parent to put them thru all of this with me they are better off without me.
BEING COMPRESSED IN THE MOST CORRUPT AND DISDAINFUL FORM OF ALL; THAT OF HUMAN. I AM TRAPPED IN A SHELL. I WEAR THE SLEEVE OF HOMOSAPIEN WHICH HAS ONLY SERVED TO TURN ME INTO AN UGLIER BEAST. I CANNOT HATE, FOR NOTHING IS DESERVING ENOUGH TO KNOW SCORN. I CAN LOVE ONLY ESCAPE. I PITY THOSE FEW CREATURES WHO KNOW ME, AS MY ASSOCIATION ONLY SERVES TO COMPLICATE THEIR LIVES AND BURDEN THEM WITH CHOATIC CONTRADICTIONS. I AM AN AMALGAM OF DISSENSION AND AGONY, QUIETLY ROLLED INTO AN IDIOTIC PSYCHOPATH. HAVING JUST HIT 19 YEARS OF AGE, I AM IMPOSSIBLY SICKENED ALREADY BY THE PROSPECT OF CONTINUED EXISTENCE HERE. I AM WORTHLESS AS A MEMBER OF SOCIETY AND CONTRIBUTE NOTHING TO ITS UPKEEP. THOSE CLOSEST TO ME DO NOT KNOW OF THIS, YET I FREELY RELINQUISH IT HERE, THUS PROVING MY INCOMPETENCE AS A COMRADE. AS FOR NOW, I ONLY LIVE BECAUSE I AM ALIVE. I AM DISGUSTED TO KNOW THAT NO ONE CAN SEE ME FOR WHAT I AM. I MUST BE MALE, OF THIS SOCIAL STANDING ETC. I AM NOT A BEING, BUT SOMETHING TO BE NUMBERED AND MAINTAINED FOR MY REVENUE GENERATING POTENTIAL. THIS WAR IS HOPELESS AND I LOOK FORWARD TO WHATEVER END AWAITS ME, JUST A SLAVE TO A BIRTH I WOULD NEVER HAVE AGREED TO…
Depression is pain. It is wanting to crawl into a hole and die, but knowing that its never that easy. It is cutting yourself to see it bleed and feel it and know that you really are alive. It is not trusting anyone, not even your closest friends…if they really are your friends at all. Maybe they’re just humouring you, knowing that if they upset you you’ll do something stupid, slit your wrists again or take a bunch of pills and end it all. Sitting at home thinking about all the things you could be, should be doing right now but not caring because it hurts too much. It is hiding the scars from new people you meet because no one wants to be friends with a psycho. Making up excuses for why you just want to stay home, lying in bed crying. It is surfing the internet in the middle of the night because you know that sleep will never come, and if you don’t do something you’re going to go get the knife. Trying anything to make yourself stop thinking…because thinking about it is what hurts the most. It is needing someone to talk to, but having no one to listen, no one who understands.
Well.. i have been depressed many times … i have wanted to stop eating.. wanted to die… i felt like there was no reason to live… nothing was good in my life… i lost my mom at age 11… my dad is a pretty bad alcoholic… im not too confident at all in the way i look (actually i hate the way i look… i feel like no one would care if i died and like no one likes me or what ever… i have cut my self, truthfully … and actually i do it sometimes becuase it makes me feel better (instead of having emotional pain) and i was watching a show the other day and they said that was a disease.. that if you feel the need to cut or burn your self to relieve emotional pain you have something.. and i was wondering if anyone knew becuase i dont remember what they said… um, if you know try to post it up becasue i would like to know… thank you …
I can’t help but wonder what is the point of being here? what is the point of life? there is NO Point. We just get up and do the same old thing every single day. Now my daughter has decided she would rather live w/her transsexual “father” and …. and that’s it. I can’t even finish this right now… To be continued….
I hate becoming my own biggest liar, lying to myself all the time, filling myself with poison.
Telling myself that life is crap when I hate having it taken away from me.
If I was poor and won a lottery, I would choose to be financially poor again and give away 100 million dollars to anyone who could allow me to be as free as I was when I was a child
The depression beats me up all the time, and I’m getting weaker as I lie to myself. The truth of life’s goodness exists in hope and memory for me as the sickness takes me away to horrible places I don’t want to go to
Even a rapist or a mugger leaves you alone after he’s raped or robbed you. But this just keeps on coming.
How can I turn into my own worst, cruellest enemy? How can this be happening?
I hate this, I hate being the person I am. This isn’t me…where is the happy girl that I used to be? I drove someone I love away…..this sickness drove them away. Now I have nothing.
I stumbled on this site…on one of the nights that I could not sleep.
I was shocked to read these posts…and people were actually saying things…that made sense to me.
I also am suffering from a major depressive episode. My husband has been so supportive…and I try to explain what I am feeling…but it is HARD for him to understand.
If you have never had depression…you cannot possibly know what it feels like.
It is NOT a choice…as well-meaning people might tell you.
I am an RN in an intensive care unit. I have not been able to work for about 6 weeks now.
My lack of concentration; confusion; lack of energy….problems with remembering…not getting dressed; not showering; feeling an almost constant pressure in my head….
I always showered EVERY day. Now, I am lucky to
shower two times a week. I feel like somebody
took me out of my body….and this is NOT me. When I look in the mirror…I just think…”Where did you go???”
Most of the days I don’t even get dressed.
I am on two anti-depressants now. I am better…
but I still have the confusion, difficulty concentrating…this pressure inside my head.
I have guilt because my paycheck is not coming in and we will probably have to file bankruptcy.
This site explains how depression feels…at least for me.
Thank you to everyone for sharing their personal experiences…
Depression feels like there is really no hope for me, no reason for me to live. Everyday I look forward to meet death all the while praying that the ones I love and the ones who love me will find strength to carryon after I’ve gone. Tears fill my eyes when I remember how I’ve treated them, I wonder why they still continue to love me even with all that I’ve put them through. I drink to the point where I cannot feel my feeling anymore just to get away from this inescapable feeling of being worthless. Why is it that I never seem to have any luck at all? Why am I still alive?
Depression feels like your not part of the world
everyone seems to live in.You wake up everyday (and I mean everyday) numb to anything good in life.You cant make yourself do anything.A simple thing like getting up in the mornings is a mind torture.Your mind is having a war a full blown massacre.A million thoughts pop in and out and in and out of your mind.Thats the fun part because you have no control of your thoughts they can be moments in your life,conversations you have had,every horrible thing you can remember that you have done are always around the old mind,things you want to do,jobs you wish you could do,how shitty you feel,how misarble life is,why is a good one,WHY do i feel this way,WHY cant i make it stop,WHY cant i just get up and be happy,WHY cant i live a normal life,WHY cant anyone understand,Why have i had to deal with this for 11 years WHY WHY WHY? I have not felt true happiness at least what i think was happines in so long i dont know if i ever will.When your depressed you are hurting so bad inside that you cut yourself off to anything good. Everyday you deal with ok tommorow will be better but tommorow never ever is.Its the same old routine. You constantly feel empty of anything happy. You get crazy thoughts that flash through your head constantly.My head goes a million miles a minute all day everyday.I feel helpless like im in a hole that im never gonna get out i dont even see the light anymore.Everyday I wish I could be normal because I have found someone who I love more then anything and im doing nothing to better myself or the relationship.We want to live together but it takes money.I cant seem to get myself up and go to work.I cant make myself do anything.I feel like I have nothing to offer anyone.My family thiks im a lazy bum witch hurts.I think of death often enough(i dont think i could do it)but that comes after the thought of being like this forever.Death seems almost like a cure.I would give anything to be normal work pay bills take care of a home and family but i just dont see it.Even showering is something i have to force myself to do.Im not a dirty person but you get to the point where you just dont care.You know what you have to do but ya cant.Even if its something you want real bad like money or car or a home ya just cant make yourself do it.Pretty much everything i have written here goes on in my head all day everyday.The pain and hurt never stops.I do have moments where im laughing and i feel good but they are just moments(they never last)Those moments are just a taste a tease you could say because you know it will not last and in a few seconds your mind will be back to misery
my boyfriend and i had a conversation a few days ago. He refuses to believe that depression isn’t the same thing as having a bad day and feeling down for a an hour about it. I tried to explain to him that it never leaves. That there seems to be no real reason for it other than life itself. Everything and anything brings you down. Songs from my happier days send me reeling into a black hole. Sitting on the beach staring out at the ocean doesnt give me a sense of peace or tranquility, it gives me a feeling of grief for what i wish my life could be. I get anxious and worried over nothing, and emotional and angry over the most insignificant things. And i feel so stupid for it. I feel like a bad person, and i cant help it. Reading these postings and hearing what everyone else is feeling is like reading my own thoughts. And knowing that there are others who have all the same thoughts and feelings that i have had helps me to accept it. i constantly anylize my thoughts and feelings and try to sort them into rational and irrational. It helps me to keep myself together and work things out. As long as i know how to apologize for my reactions and actions having to do with my overemotional state, i can keep things together… i can hold on to relationships and i can at least pretend to be in a good mood sometimes. Even if it’s like acting in the hardest role of your life. i’d make a good movie star, yup
i can honestly say that i have always denied that im depressed to anybody and myself. i have health worries/fears that i hold responsible but i know deep down that it is the whole way that i live that provides the perfect habitat for my depression. i see no way out of it and the only way to tackle it is to act like a zombie to everything you come across. i feel like an idiot because you cant seem to remember anything and a fool because u wont/cant do anything about it.the main reason that makes me jus accept it and ride the rollercoaster is that i believe if i knew for definite that nothing could be done about my problems then i would take drastic action. im not likely to hurt myself as id see it as cowardice but i may masquerade it as anger and drive myself to insanity.what the future holds for me who knows…il jus take it one day at a time…optimism tells me that i should still have hope but my mind still tells me that theres no hope and this is as good as it gets.i have missed out on so much over the years because i jus cant get the drive and motivation and i hate myself for it.im 20 now and iv felt depressed for the last four years. nobody really cares outside your family but you dont want them to worry either so you try and hide it.i feel like im somethin somebody jus stepped in,i am in effect my own worst enemy and when talkin to others even if they dont like me all that much they cant hate me as much as i do.im self critical of everything i do.if i get drunk i lose this feeling and gain an almost psychotic side which id rather keep caged up.i wont ever lose my self control out of fear of what i could be capable of.turning to booze/drugs helps none.it only shrouds the truth for a while and quite frankly what is the point runnin from the truth.there is no point ending it all and thats how i think about it just out of principal.what i have is shit and i dont see it improving but why the hell should i end it and have even less going for me than i do now !!! even writing this seems pointless but if somebody else has gained from it at least i have contributed to doing something worthwhile morally.others tend to think that i dont care when i do but i probably wont show it cos i dont want to get too close and sometimes cos the drive has gone.a girl could probably help me big time but i couldnt give her what she needs physically because of complications nor mentally because im stuck in a void from reality most of the time.id be nothin but a burden and even if the girl would lovingly accept me knowing this i wouldnt wish me upon anybody…unless im gona be a credit to somebody i wont waste their time because lets face it..im a mess inside and it aint up to them to clean it.people dont want to know people who depress them because its easier not to and i dont blame them one little bit.i like to talk to people when theyre down and out, ya know when they are out of character because you have an understanding of how they are feeling and bringing them back up is easy because i have been doing it for years to try and keep myself happy. the worst thing u can do is when somebody is down is to let your own problems kick in cos then ur totally useless.people have said to me on occasions like this jokingly: ;i knew you were good for something’. i dont take it to heart cos i aint gona burden them with my worries that they just wouldnt understand.its like nobody really knows who you are because ur ashamed of yourself,frightened you might lose them and basically that they wouldnt understand because they havent endured it.
I believe my depression may be a long-term (permanent?) side effect of taking Lupron. I think the drug did damage to my thyroid, which in turn has given me extreme mood swings (I’m gonna take a thyroid test to see). So my sadness is not constant..it comes on suddenly. I’ll be fine and suddenly things appear to slow and I become confused and walk slowly and stare ahead. Then I feel a pressure on my chest which grows and gets more painful and painful ’til it crawls up my throat and I can’t stand it anymore and I break out in sobs, hysterical, screaming, and run around the room cursing the feeling. I know when it’s happening that it’s chemically-related and I’m gonna feel better in about a half hour but it’s still SO painful, this mental pain, that it’s practically physically painful. Afterwards I calm down and still feel confused, and exhausted, and still stare ahead and it’s hard to talk. A few minutes later I’m back to normal and able to continue normal conversation like nothing has happened. Has anyone ever gotten any symptoms like that? This has been going on a year and I’m sick of taking anti-depressants but still getting “attacks” every few weeks anyway. A month ago I took an extra Lexapro during an attack (as my psychopharmacologist had prescribed) and I was rushed to the hospital because I had seizures! It turns out I had a Lexapro overdose (even though I seemed ok the other times I’d taken an extra one). The doc got me off Lexapro and I’m on Effexor now. I had an “attack” last night..not as bad as usual, but it still hurt. I’ve had panic attacks in the past and depression runs in the family (my brother overdosed on drugs and died), so my doc thinks that my serotonin level is naturally low and this makes me extra-sensitive to the hormone treatments I’ve been getting for endometriosis. If anyone has gone through something similar, please write!
I feel sad today I am worried so worried four suicide attempts and as I write this I feel devoid of emotion of any feelings at all the antidepressants do this to me if I am not down and out I am racing at a million miles an hour like a leaf in a cyclone. Now the medication has made me so dead inside numb devoid of emotion that I am burning myself to see if it hurts. Now I really am losing it over the almost two years I have been living this depression I have really hit an all time low now I am really dead I can’t feel anymore. I have also realised that this feeling has been with me my entire life, I have just not acknowleged it. I have just blundered on trying to do the best I can and not let the bullies the teachers the parteners the husband my parents defeat me but now they have won, I am defeated I have just gotten the guts to go to the doctor this arvo I am going to ask him to take me off the medication. If I kill myself it won’t be any great loss to anyone and it will free my children my family my friends from the abomination that is me.
Depression is not enjoying anything in life. Things you used to enjoy don’t do anything for you now. You don’t want to go anywhere or do anything because you know it will not be fun and at worst you will be miserable.
You are afraid to see family and old friends because they will ask you what you are doing with your life and you will have to say “nothing” or make up a lie. You avoid places where people you know might be. You never go to family gatherings.
You pray to God to give you cancer or some other disease. You stop believing in a god.
You sleep all the time or can’t sleep at all. You are in a daze all the time from sleeping too much and never fully waking up. You have horrific nightmares…either from the depression or medications or both. You wake up drenched in sweat and cold. The sheets literally look like you poured water on them. You can’t get up in the morning even though you have slept 12 or more hours. You stop going to work and just quit without notice. You don’t care about money or finances…it doesn’t seem to matter.
You suffer from intolerable, mind-numbing boredom and nothing you do can relieve it. You are bored with life and wonder if there will ever be anything more. You know you need something, like you have a yearning for something, but don’t know what or where to get it.
You don’t have the energy or desire to clean yourself. You have to take baths because you don’t have the energy to stand up in the shower that long. You can’t do simple things like mail a bill or do your taxes or a hundred other normal life things.
On the bright side, I have finally found a combination of medicines that allows me to live a somewhat normal life. The depression is still there, I can feel it like a constant presence, a monster, but the monster is being held back by a chain around its neck…this chain is very fragile and you have to constantly watch it for signs of breaking. You know it’s there and you’re scared, but it is held at bay for now, not being able to terrorize you like it used to. You know it will get loose again someday. You just have to use your mind to pretend like it’s not there. You have to let your rational mind dominate your emotional mind. The medicines let me do this to some extent.
Depression to Me feels like all of the experiences that I have read on this website, I wish I had come across the site sooner as I have suffered for 20 yrs +. This websit should be highlighted somehow to show fellow suffer’s they are not alone in there fit against this terribly dibilatating disease.
Depression is……a bleak grey sky covering my world, my life. I don’t know why I want to die. I don’t know why I hate who and what I am. I don’t know why I wish I could become another person, even if just for a minute.
I don’t know why I wish I could find each and every person I’ve ever encountered in my life, and painlessly lift myself from their memories. I don’t know why I feel like such a burden to those around me, especially my family.
I don’t know why I like the darker side of things. When I get in my bad moods I rent horror movies or movies I know will have depression overtones. I listen to angry heavy metal music to flood my head with guitars and lyrics so I don’t have to think about how bad off I am.
And then there is the side of myself I really hate. The side of me that yells in my head to stop being a loser. The side of me that tries to encourage me, that tries to make me want to live. The side of me that hates this darker version of myself. It feels like a constant battle, threatening to tear me in two. One part wants me to die, and the other part won’t let me, forcing me to keep on living.
The only reason, I swear to God the only reason why I’m alive today is because of what it would do to my family. My parents wouldn’t be able to bear it. Sure, I had a decent childhood, it wasn’t perfect, I was witness to brief moments of domestic abuse as a child. I witnessed my dad slapping my mom, and then my mom hitting my dad back. I witnessed my older sister getting spanked, and me becoming hysterical as a child, sometimes me crying harder then my sister.
My parents weren’t perfect, they still aren’t, but neither am I. And my parents have been there for me in times I need them the most. I’ve been blessed with parents who would probably give their own lives for me or my sister. So somewhere in my head I see a contradiction. How can parents be so loving and kind, and yet seem willing to subject their children to moments of terror. I however try to see it from my parents point of view. To them when me and my sister were disciplined, thats what it was, discipline. My parents are older and come from the old school of raising kids, when using a razor strap or other seeming brutual implements for “discipline”.
I don’t know if these moments in my childhood are what spawned my depression. I know I have unresolved feelings regarding the whole matter. The problem is I can’t relate the whole thing here on the internet, some of it I don’t even remember and only know about some of it from recent conversations with my sister. I know my sister went through alot more which would probably border on the line of abuse.
The point of all this is that I want to move on. I want to get past it all, I want to forgive and forget. I’ve promised myself that I will do whatever it takes to make my own children feel safe, that they can come to me as a parent.
I doubt I can ever say it to my parents, but I forgive them. If for no one else then myself. I won’t carry around that kind of baggage; it only has the potential to harm me, my wife (if I ever get married, and my family if I ever have one).
I feel like I’ve gone on a tangent here. Its kind of ironic that when I get depressed, I slowly come out of it and look back on it and think “What an idiot.” about my self. It takes to much energy to be depressed, it sucks the very life out of a person. It is disease, one of the worst kinds. It can debilitate a person worse then drugs and alcohol.
I suffer from depression, I know what its like. I also know that it can be beaten, I’ve had my moments when I’m happy, the sun is shining and I’m glad to be alive. To anyone who is reading this, I have an idea of what you are going through. This right now may seem like the hardest time in your life, and it may very be. If your reading this right now, that means your still alive. If your still alive, then some part of you, of your soul isn’t ready to die yet.
Don’t give in. I know what I’m saying sounds easy, and impossible to ever do. Even I have my days when I don’t even get dressed or showered. My life is a mess because of depression. I’m 24, in college, and I’m overweight and I hate myself. But I’m slowly working to fix that, to become the person I want to be.
My advice, “In action there is hope.” Depression debilitates by sucking every ounce of energy, motivation and ambition out of people. You can fight it, and you can win. In action there is hope. Think about it. By doing something, anything, you are loosening depressions grip on you. In action there is hope.
I’m no medical professional, and my advice might not be worth the bits of information it takes to display my text here on this website. But listen to me, or to someone else. The next time your feeling depressed, think of one thing you haven’t done that day. Try reversing your thinking. Think to your self “I Can!” I can get showered, I can get out of bed, I can get dressed. I can get the mail, I can clean my apartment, I can wash my car. I can talk to someone, I can introduce myself to someone. I can have a conversation…..
I hope this message can help at least one person. Depression is a cancer, a cancer that eats away at our souls. Depression tries to make it impossible to love yourself, to even like your self. Depression inspires fear. It can inspire such fear that people don’t even leave their homes. And once depression has taken hold, it seems nigh impossible to ever break free.
I am one of those people that has to do that in my head everday. I have to reverse my thinking and get in that “I can…” mode every day. I’m not where I want to be, but I think I’m slowly getting there. I think it has to be better then suicide. Trust me, I’ve thought about suicide enough to know how much of a relief it would seem like. I’ve thought about it enough to have planned out some scenarios in which to carry it out.
Suicide is not an answer. Its a permenant way to run away from your problems. I haven’t commited suicide because I know what it would do to my family. But another major reason why I haven’t is because I’m scared. I’m scared of living, and I’m scared of dying. I’m scared of how I might die, I’m also scared of what’s on the other side. Is there a God? Is there anything on the other side for us? Or what if this life that we have, this time we all have right now is it. Once you die your done. You punch your ticket, they lower your coffin in the ground, and your body starts to decompose.
God its hard to type all this, I’m half tempted to just delete it and forget I ever saw this website.
Depression is very real, and whoever has it knows how much it sucks. Please, please please please please anyone that reads this. I know you are thinking you’ve reached the end. That tomorrow is going to be just like today, so why bother getting out of bed. Why bother going to sleep in the first place. I beg of you, if not for yourself then for me, or for the pain of someone else if they lose you. Talk to someone, anyone. For every reason you think of not to live, there is an equally and just as profound reason for you to stay alive. Its hard, I know it is. I’ve been there and I’m still there. But I plead with you. Stop before doing anything you might regret, or end up doing something you can’t take back.
This is the world we live in, and it can be a pretty crappy world most of the time. Life isn’t fair, bad things happen to good people for no reason….if you believe in God then there alot of things going on in the world that seem to prove that God is dead or God just dosen’t care anymore.
I hope I get through to someone with this message. Stay alive. Don’t give up, don’t quit. Press on, get up, get showered, go to that job you hate, but go to it. And reverse your thinking. Tell yourself “I Can…!” “There hope in action!” Let that become your life, keep yourself busy. Accomplish one thing today that you didn’t do yesterday. For me, sometimes thats getting out of bed and getting showered.
I’m not sure why I typed all this, part of it is because I just write, on and on and on when I get depressed. I never know what direction its going to take. To anyone who reads this, I reiterate with all the emphasis possible, suicide is not an answer. Get help, talk to someone, go to a counselor. There’s a reason we have counselor’s, they are trained to help people deal with their emotions. They can diagnose you, and can prescribe medication if your case is serious enough. Depression is a disease, and its not your fault for feeling like this. You can fight this, you dont’ have to feel this way all the time. GET HELP!!!!!!!!!
I can’t seem to figure out what to do. I live my wasted life and wish that it would all just go away. I can’t see anything in my future, I have nothing to contribute to anything, I can’t get past being totally empty, and to top that off, my wrists are all scarred and I’ve forgotten my reason to live…
I look at myself in the mirror and am disgusted by what I see. I can’t hold down a job for any amount of time. I’m afraid to leave my house and don’t really have the energy even if I wanted to. I haven’t got any friends and I hate to upset my family, so I guess that’s why I am posting this. I feel pathetic and useless and it won’t go away. I’ve given up on getting help because I’ve tried everything and things have just gotten worse. I’ve seriously attempted suicide twice now. Is it an oxymoron for the hopeless to hope that next time I try, I hope to get it right?
Depression, the doom and gloom of life. My whole sytem is set on slow. I can only see the dark side of life and self destruction. Being alone constantly because I dont know what to say to people any more. What happened to the person who was always out there talking, socialising, living life? Now a broken shell is all thats left. Now its just me and my depression and the compulsive eating.
Depression is the worst human disease, it kills souls, good souls. I kind of knew I had it but after reading this website I am sure. Life feels so empty and my soul so dead…the worst thing is that nobody understands and you need somebody with infinite pure love to touch and light up the depths of your soul. But there are few people left like that in the world, and it makes me cry because I want to be saved, but I dont think I can do it myself. I wonder why God does this, and sometimes i do totally give up on him. People can come up with anything they want Karma or any other theory, but in the end its not gonna stop us hurting. I wish i could find love because I know thats the cure for me. It feels like I havent lived for a long time.
For me, the biggest fear in my depression is that everyone will find out how crazy I am. Because I feel like everything has seeped out of me. I don’t want to be around my husband, but I can’t imagine being on my own. Nothing is the same from second to second. When I try to describe how I feel, it changes before I finish a sentence. I’ve never considered suicide (at least not consciously), but sometimes I’m so tired in my soul that I just want everything to stop.
Everyday is pain to me, I feel so alone. I remember when I had good friends and used to have hope. Now I have no hope for anything. Nothing in the world seems important any more,I throw away the money in my wallet and feel nothing. I cannot remember the last time I was happy for more than a minute. What’s the point of living if every day is going to be this hard. I dont know what to do, why is this shit happening to me
I have only suffered from depression a few times in my life. For some reason I was able to fight it, and my life returned to normal, but I must admit that I still remember how difficult the fight was… it was like I could see this grey blanket hovering above me and it somehow comforted me, I wanted to wrap myself up in it lie down and go to sleep, just forget about the world and it’s problems. That was the part that kept me away from it, it was the scariest thing, and it was so difficult to get away from that greyness. I came to your website not because of that, but because my fiance committed suicide 10 days ago. I am trying to understand everything, knowing that I will never get all the answers, but hoping I will at least be able to understand more about depression. He was such a wonderful person, none of his family, friends, co-workers, or myself knew that he was fighting an internal battle. I had noticed that he was losing weight, that he was forgetful, and I thought it was unusual that he stayed away from me for 10 days before committing suicide (of course I’m in Florida and his excuse seemed real, he said he was helping his father cut trees and repair damage to his home from the hurricane… there was no damage to his fathers home, the whole time my fiance was sitting at home alone, just sinking lower and lower). I saw him two days prior to his death. He called to say that he had just gotten home from his dads and was looking forward to a nice hot shower. I told him I was just taking a hot peach cobbler out of the oven and asked if he wanted some, he said no… he was dirty and needed a shower. I went ahead and put the peach cobbler in a dish and called him to let him know I was bringing it over, he said not to hurry too much because he was a mess and his home was a mess. I walked through his home, and it was messy alright, he had pulled a saw up to the front door, I guess to make it look like he really had been out working. I didn’t think he looked that dirty, and he didn’t smell swetty, but I didn’t really question anything, told him that I knew he was wanting to rest and I wouldn’t keep him long, just wanted to bring the cobbler by and say hi, then I left. He kissed me hard and maybe that should have triggered that something was wrong, but he was like that so I didn’t think anything about it. He called me to let me know that he had enjoyed the cobbler and he was about to get some much needed rest. I thought he had to be at work early in the morning, and that he had been at work that week, but I later learned that he had called in sick each day and there was no storm damage to his fathers home, his father hadn’t seen him in 3 weeks. In his letters to me he apologized for the lies, said he couldn’t stand to be around anyone, hadn’t been able to eat anything that week, but did manage to get down the cobbler. He said that when we were together he had smiled and laughed but they were all forced, he didn’t feel happiness at all, he was in complete and total misery. He didn’t take any medication, didn’t turn to anyone for help, never confided in anyone that there was even a problem. I have since learned that he battled this his entire life from time to time, and his journals show just how difficult that battle was. I hope that anyone reading this understands that your friends, family, loved ones would never consider it a burden to try and help you. I always considered him a blessing in my life, and I definitely would have supported him, done anything to help him get over that horrible phase, if only he had shared with me that there was a problem. The burden isn’t in helping someone overcome a problem… that actually allows a blessing in both lives, but the burden is in trying to deal with the after effects of his death. His children don’t understand, they blame themselves, his father, his co-workers, everyone is hurting right now, thinking that there was something said or done that should have triggered a response from someone that he needed help… but no one saw it. I hope that this makes sense. I’m probably not in the best state of mind here, you would think that I would be suffering from depression right now, but I’m not… I’m too busy trying to help his family and friends deal with this, and at the same time I’m trying to focus on the 5 years of wonderful times that we shared together. They were awesome, wouldn’t trade in one of those memories for anything in the world, and I’m hoping that after this maybe I’ll be a better person and recognize the next person who is suffering, maybe help them recover. Anyway… I’m thankful for your website and I hope you don’t mind hearing from a person who isn’t suffering from depression, just attempting to understand it. Your website was very informative.
Depression is basiclly like drowning. You somehow believe that the way you feel is because of something or many things that you’ve done. You feel worthless, so you must be worthless. To not believe you are what you feel seems illogical or impossible. You seek to either escape the feelings somehow or you try to do something (some great achievement)that in your mind will rid the cause of misery. This is where the drowning occurs. The problem is that it is a circular trap. When you seek to escape the feelings, you actually end up making yourself worse(Drinking,drugs, etc). Trying to do or achieve something that you think will make you feel good about yourself is a dead end because in the end, it’s never good enough, and this leaves you feeling even more worthless. This cycle just keeps repeating itself over and over until you are just drained. You then feel and become numb and isolated. It’s safe, but cold and lonely. Anger builds up because no one understands how you feel, yet you are scared to share these feelings with anyone because you believe that being accepted by others is the only thing that matters and that it will make you happy. The last thing you want is to be a burden on people, especially since you feel so guilty for every wrong you’ve committed against anyone else. It’s feeling like a hypocrite to seek help and love. Depression is the inability to be loved and to accept love. Without love, we are all bankrupt, and as good as dead.
Depression feels like mom and dad don’t love the loser i am. Like little sister is watching big sister slowly die. Like my husband either doesn’t want to know or is to blind to see my heart screaming for just one unasked for hug. It is just giving in to my heart and head saying i am nothing.
To me, depression is a relatively new thing. I think (I am always trying to self-diagnose) I have an anxiety disorder, which in turn leads to depression because this is how it works for me:
I am going along, happy and fine, and all of a sudden a darkness surrounds me. I feel the panic attack coming, and even though I know it is simply a chemical gone awry, it does not lessen the fear. I lose my appetite, and things make me nervous that seem utterly ridiculous. I get scared about talking to my fiance, cause I think he will think I am acting crazy or something. I am scared to be around my 11 month old daughter cause I am scared she will sense my tension and somehow it will seep into her and wreck her world. I usually go to stay with my mother, who is very supportive, and start taking zoloft. Usually within 2 weeks, I am fine and myself again, and I even forget how it felt at all. I feel silly, like I overreacted or something. Then I get stupid and decided that I am okay, I don’t need the zoloft and I go off of it. Then after a few weeks, or months, it starts all over again. This has happened 5 times in the past 6 years, and each time it has been because I was not on zoloft. This time, however, it has been more difficult. I am going on day 22 of this, the racing heart, the waking at 6 am every day wprrying about how I am going to feel today, the feeling that I am a bad mother, worthless, the lack of appetite, the dry mouth, the not knowing if I am ever gonig to feel like myself again. I feel like a burden on everyone, my mother, my stepdad, my sister who also suffers from depression, and my fiance, but I know in the rational part of my mind that they are all willing to wait with me, to do anything they can to help me feel better again. All I want is for the zoloft to begin working. I want myself again.
It filters through my consciousness like watery spheres of velvet blue
creating devastating images that tear through my heart
echoing shrill notes that kill my belief and deafens the truth
Alert I seek alternate routes that may leave me unhardened and with a shred of decency
yet still I find despair rapping on my chamber door.
it is the beast that kills and somehow thrills me
Arriving at the end of my destruction
I have found that there is more an alternate
And a reason to go forward
I have simulated an ordeal for myself to overcome
Try if you will to lure me aboard
I would hock my mind, body and soul
For one moment when in tyme when I did not feel, that my very existence was indeed a crime.
Festive in this farce of giving face
Devout in living the lies my conscience screams to abominate
Heaven forbid one folly to air
Tedious adversities bring me down
Swallow the lump there is a bigger nut that has to be found
As I consume my load how bitter the pill of dire consequence becomes
Rigorous desertion of physical contact
Denial the culprit
Mocking second chances that don’t come back
Previous errors of ways away
Mirror their images in my memory night and day
Canvassing hopes that I seek for a better life
One damn day when something I want goes right
There is no one here to listen to these words
No one to call me absurd’
So here I sit with fantasia all around
Not one being in sight who gives a damn…
Well…these days I feel really depressed.I did a test and it showed that I have severe depression.I’m 15 but I’m thinking of ways to commit suicide.I start crying suddenly when I think of my life,which is not bad,but I hate it.I want to go to a psycologist to get better,but my mom aviods it-I don’t know why-and that makes me even worse.I’m so desperate.I’m so lonely.When I’m at school,I don’t show it,I try to be happy.My friends have no idea what I’m going through.I know I can kill myself and I may do it.
its been almost three years ever since i have been low and down in dumps…though i am under medication for the past two months but still nothing seems right…i hate t go to the doctors coz i feel that they dont and cant really feel my pain and the hurt. my parents keep telling me to cheer up and that its because of my own mindset that i am so depressed , my friends dont know anything about this coz i hide it well in front of them. i feel so lonely and shattered that nothing but suicide comes to my mind. i am always so irritated and restless, it makes me want to run away somewhere….far away from my parents, my friends and everyone else .
Depression is when you loose all fear of death, because death is no longer something to be feared. It is something to be sought out. You wish to let this cage of flesh die so that you can be no more.
It is when you really hope that there is no life after death so that you can finally rest. It is when you study evolutionary arguements because you want to believe that there is no God and thus no afterlife. I do not under any circumstance want to live forever. I would chose oblivion over some Christian Heaven any time. There is no way I could be around myself that long. I don’t even really want to live to be thirty.
The only hope is alcohol. It is the world’s true lord and saviour, in which I have placed all of my trust. Nothingness is far better then the dull eternal ache of conscious thought and awareness. Give me a couple of fourties of bad tasting but potent liquor and I’ll be as close to good as I can get.
My bi-polar disorder lets up on rare occasions, allowing myself brief periods of giddy delusion in which I start to believe the lies about hope again. The highs are scary in a way because you always know that the darkness is about to blindside you again at any damn moment and drag you back into the depths of the infinite abyss.
I am the midst of a long low period. One of the longest I have ever had. I haven’t been able to do anything more complicated then dragging myself to my bullshit job at Wendy’s and lying around drinking and watching TV. Sometimes I convince myself to exercise, in hopes that I can summon up some kind of biological high from it. But I haven’t gotten a pump from lifting weights in years. I just do it because I figure I might as well be beautiful on the outside in order to make up for the fact that I am a rotting skeleton emotionally. It doesn’t really work though. I desperately want to write something too. I can’t come up with even the simplest story now, I used to have so many ideas.
I am rotting away in this place. Someday it will be over, someday I will feel the merciful release of death’s scythe. But it won’t be this day. I will soldier on until I finally collapse. Writing this eased the weight alittle, but not very much.
I FEEL LIKE IM TRAPPED! its a no win situation for me and i dont feel theres anything to keep me alive. Im only young but yet i’ve felt like this from the age of 8. No-one seems to appreciate what i do for them and just take me fore granted. I odnt know whether in reality this is all happening but thats what my head and heart is telling me. I wonder why things are the way they are and why a starving child in Africa should have just taken my place, because they deserve it more than me. They can have done something better with it, then write how much they hate it. I love all my friends and family but dont like them the most of the time. I HATE SCHOOL, THAT’S THE WORST THING IN MY LIFE, BECAUSE ALL THEY TELL ME IS THAT THEY’RE ALL THERE FOR ME WHEN IN ACTUAL FACT THEY LIE. One of my teachers has got a personal thing with me and keeps on lying and i get in trouble for it, because the rest of the teachers take their word over mine without even giving me a word in edgeways. They say this an ursuline school (catholic) but yet they’re injustice and one of the ten commandment said ‘do not lie’ but yet one of the peoples who supposed to be setting me the example is doing the complete opposite. Anyway gotta go now, 4th period!!!! Good luck everyone, fot the future!!!!
I have not experienced depression, but my 16 year old cousin has a mild case of it. And for a psychology paper I have decided to research Depression. Your testimonials have helped me to understand it better! \
THANKS!! Katie Doughty
My scream is a silent echo within an orchard with fruits of stone.
Walls of the highest granite entomb me within its grey shroud.
No stone ever crumbles, no gaps ever let in light.
I can see greyness above, speckles of drizzling rain, tears of time confined within the cages of each second.
Is it sky above? Is it earth below?
My tears are falling grains of sand into an ocean of the desert.
Nowhere in sight upon this boat, winds of howling wolves attack.
Directions changing with the waves, trying to grasp each grain of sand.
A frost is creeping up me like a serpent of fire, I know my boat is sinking.
My anger is an explosion without destruction.
Roaring rivers of blood red fire snaking into the eye.
Piercing my inner thoughts and wrapping its tentacles around my heart.
It’s galloping up my spine, I’m emerged within it’s waters.
I’m clawing to break free, then I finally go under…
IT MAKES YOU ISOLATE YOURSELF FROM THE WORLD BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE AROUND ANYONE AND YOU RESENT OTHERS JUST FOR BEING NORMAL BECAUSE YOU WILL NEVER BE. YOU FEEL FORGOTTEN ABOUT , IGNORED AND JUST UNDESERVING OF ANYTHING ELSE.
I feel like the Universe, God, whatever, literally hates me and wants to push me into killing myself. The only thing that gets me by is my closest friend, (hey John), and the overwhelming desire to do my best and then give the Universe a big middle finger.
My advice is this: get your closest friends together, let them know what’s up, and come up with plans to deal with it with as much love as possible. A giant hug works for me…er, for a few minutes anyway.
I have two kids and I love them dearley. I have been depressed since 2001 and have attempted suicide once .The worst mistake I made was to even attempt it (its not the easy way out it leaves everyone scard). It just left everyone around me including me totaly confused. It was the pain of 3 years of stuggle in my own mind. Not knowing who Iam anymore or what Iam. I have been taking the medication but just dosent make the pain/confusion any better. I have lost the fight inside to get up live/excersise/work . I have no motivation for anything. The things I used to love I now hate. But I will never let suicide be an option again it wasnt right the first time and it wont be any time.
There is “HOPE” for everyone wether it be a friend or family member or even a work collegue (they all helped me) turn to them when you are feeling at your lowest let them know how you are feeling.
Today I feel like I don’t want to see tomorrow, tomorrow never comes so they say, but I wish today never came. I have been feeling up down confused stressed alone and unhappy, I have realised that I have felt this way my entire life, now enough is enough. I have a problem with giving up though so the pain lingers eating me from the inside out, the demons inside me are running rampage I want to run to scream to bang my head against the wall to lose total control although I have been burning myself for relief, I just want to drive into oblivian leave the pain the emptiness, the worthlessness, the hopelessness, the guilt, the family have had enough I have had too much, after four attempts at dying, I have been saved by well meaning but meddling people. I hate my world I hate my life I can’t stop trying for the sake of the mere fact I can’t just give up even though I so desparately need to. The demons the blackness the black poison in my brain the need to cry a million zillion trillion tears leaves me feeling like I am being eaten from the inside out. I know I won’t see Christmas my family will be the better for the end of me. I owe my friend a holiday we have booked, a friend who has dragged me out when I have wanted to crawl under the covers has picked me up after trying to gas myself in my car has found me on the beach after taking all my freedom pills, has put up with the mood swings the agitation the crap that I have given them over the last year. She needs this holiday I need this holiday I owe her that much. Then I can clear my conscience and have eternal peace or burn in Hell or am I already dead and in Hell it feels like it. The jokes on me I’m already dead and am such a bad person that Hell for me is not being able to sleep forever as I wish but to battle on with this vast emptiness that is my world. I am a ghost, I am alone, I have tortured my family enough, and I can’t stand what I was what I am and what I have become. There is only one solution.
When I’m “UP,” it’s like a raging storm – a tornado that I am inside – and it is inside of me. Unpredictable in strength and length of time.
Sometimes it is too fierce to harness the energy. I can’t keep up with it.
Sometimes I can hold the power of it, and have such enlightenment and productivity.
I TRY to ride the storm, not let it consume me – I already know the damage it can do.
But this has been going on for so long. I am getting very tired of fighting to keep the mask on for the world, so everyone thinks that I am ‘normal,’ when I know the truth. It gets harder each time. My strength, or desire?, gets weaker. Or the storm gets stronger?
It is exhausting, once it’s over – whatever the case.
It used to be useful and I looked forward to the high energy. Lately, it almost feels like fingers on a chalkboard ~ and I want – need – to get away from it. IT’S TOO MUCH. THIS scares me. If I can’t enjoy this, can’t FEEL this, WHAT WILL I HAVE LEFT??
This thing consumes me — I think only of myself.
The “LOW” times. I can’t describe the low times unless I am there – and then, have no desire to describe… someone (a doctor) asked me to “try.” So….
I can’t find my way. It’s dark. Thick, dark clouds.
I fear I will be lost forever.
Too much noise inside my mind.
Once I felt connected.. to something.
I still feel it- something, but it’s getting farther away. I try to reach for it, and then forget what I’m even doing.
I am frightened.
I HATE having to be involved. It takes too much effort – effort that drives me crazy that I never have – because I’m LAZY. Only, I’m not lazy. I’m TIRED. All the time. This thing, this depression, takes all of my energy. And all of the ACTING – pretending like I’m “OK” for everyone, is draining.
But I want to be involved. I WISH I could be. But if I try to get involved, “they’ll” get too close ~ and then they’ll hate me like I hate me. They’ll get sick of my excuses of why I can’t do something or come with them “this time” AGAIN.
I wish I had a core.
I don’t.
Or I don’t recognize it if I do.
is anyone listening?
the cars go by – I can hear them outside.
they don’t know I am here.
they know someone may be here.
but what does it matter WHO.
I look around the room.
Everything reminds me of something.
and each thing has a story – in my mind.
Seems most of the stories are painful – or lonely.
I told ‘him’ that he was lonely and always would be, because he didn’t know how not to be…..
How would I know that unless it was ME who was already that person…
I want to drink – or something – until I am in the place of no feeling.
Or where it seems that everything feels good -
Where Good & Bad is acceptable.
Numbness allows you to think.
Think about things without feeling the judgment.
I can cry then – but at least then, I am able to cry.
To not be able to smile or even cry is hell – very deep – so deep it is painful – so painful it is forever.
I want to work so hard, physically, that I don’t think or feel.
If only I had a real, total talent for SOMETHING – anything – I could be consumed with it and all THIS might be blocked out – for a spec of time, at least.
Feels like being in mud, and you finally get so tired – moving in thick, drying cement that you know is going to harden, that you just stop – stay still – it will go away and not hurt if you stay still enough for long enough.
I want to be alone. In my room. In my bed. No light, no one to see you, no one to hate you, no one to hurt you. Soft bed. Quiet stillness.
I think of ‘getting out of here.’ Death. It is the only way out of here, isn’t it? But WHERE is out of here??? And nothing I do HERE make THIS go away. So what makes me think that getting out of HERE, and going to who knows where, is going to make THIS go away? NOBODY actually knows what happens after we die. I want to believe in the teachings of my Christian heritage (which, of course, rules out suicide – yet another thing to struggle with). I admire the people who have true faith. And for those who think that there is NOTHING after death, well, at least they have THAT. So, I’m trapped. Too afraid to take THAT ride into the unknown – even in my manic mood, when I feel very adventurous. As awful as this all is, and as close as I come to doing it when I’m in some states of mind, there’s something that keeps me hanging onto this life. Only God – and I do mean God – knows what or why. And in my prayers, I’ve cried and pleaded for answers. Being so ashamed of myself for feeling so sorry for myself – when there are things that seem like they could be so much more terrible. EXCEPT this IS terrible, too. Why am I not aloud to feel like this IS terrible?
Then, when I’m actually having feelings, they are so fragile that I break at the slightest pressure, and they are so close to the surface that I get shaky and weepy at everything – because it seems like everything is against me.
BBB (blah, blah, blah)
In the summer of 2002 I completely lost my mind. Depression is like a slow mind water torture, it will break a person. But it can also be beaten and trust me when you get better your better then ever. Depression drove me to the brink of almost…. Trust me all you people suffering no matter how bad your head is going crazy inside it does get better. Im beating it and so can all of u.. Its hard, but trust me dont give up when u get through it.. U have a new LIFE… TRUST ME………
Depression feels like drowning. I have that feeling, like the world suddenly crumbles down and you don’t know what to do to put the pieces back together. When you imagine the future it seems kind of blurry, you really dont know whats gonna happen to yourself, everything seems really confussing. You feel like if your loved ones have left you all alone, the days pass either extremely slow or extremely fast the color depends on every person for example i see the days in a brown color others see them gray. You really dont have the mood to do things that you used to do, you dont see a point in doing them because is not going to take away the pain. Sometimes there’s a feeling of hating everything and everyone who surrounds you and you often aske this question….whats gonna happen to me?…that is one of the most awful feelings in the world…its really frustrating when your future looks pretty uncertain. I imagine depression as really heavy weight inside the head, your movements and thoughts are slower and sometimes you cant find the reason to get up everymorning, you often imagine yourself as another person. Sometimes what we think is really going to make us happy is just a way of denying and not being able to handle the real problem with ourselves. Everyday looks like a never ending record, it just keeps playing over and over again. You just know that the days have passed when you look at other people. Being depressed is like feeling empty inside, you feel an unfulfilled desire of being loved and protected, its almost like ME against the world. Of course i think most of the people who have felt depression in a certain time of their life have thought about suicide, you think that is going to take the pain away and it looks really tempting when you just want to throw everything away and just look for a place were you can finally find peace. I’ve considered suicide in my past depressions but i really think that there’s someone in the world thats waiting for me to love me, and theres a place full of people that constantly say that the love you and that they will always be there to support you, the only problem is to find them. And i think that sometimes you dont need other people to get out of depression i mean a friend is always good but i mean if you are on your own you just need to grab your balls and deal with the problem, although i should have done that a long time ago, but i really dont feel encouraged or have tha energy to do it. It sucks when you are just waiting for something and never comes, you just see the days pass like cars on the freeway and when you least notice you have lost many opportunities you just need to be aware of them and your dreams can happen. Im not really in the position of giving any advice because i havent figured yet a way of getting out of this hole that sometimes lets me out for a little while and then it sucks me right back in. i saw this website and i thought that is always good to see the opinion of other people who have kind of the same problems that i have. But its true, depression is quite a bitch and it wont let us out until we want it to, i think that you just need to find a reason to live, it really hard when you look at everything that surrounds you and you cant find something to live for. I just hope that this depression affecting me and all of you dissapears quickly, just find a reason to live that really haves meaning, and dont hold on to things, just listen to your heart and take some time to think before do something. Life is a beautiful thing eventhough sometimes give us a really hard time.
Non-depressed husbands, wife’s, boyfriends, girlfriends and relatives have a problem understanding depression. My sister for example tries to understand what I’m going through, but can’t relate to the things I say. “Being trapped in my head” and “being slow in thought”, are expressions a lot of people on this site have mentioned, so I will try and explain how this feels so that a non-depressed person can experience what depression feels like. Follow these simple instructions.
Take a book, any book it really doesn’t matter, open it at any page and read the first few lines of the book. Then place the book on a coffee table or somewhere where you can see it.
Later on tonight, go to bed as per normal, switch off all the lights in the house and set the alarm for about 60 minutes time.
Drift off to sleep.
When the alarm goes off, get up, DO NOT switch any of the lights on, put your hands behind you back and try and find your way to the book without touching the walls for guidance. When you reach the book, pick it up and try and read the words.
What did you notice in doing this exercise?
Did you feel dazed and sleepy and not really with it?
Was your thought pattern slow?
Did you walk down the stairs or through the house in the same brisk manner you would have done if the lights were on – probably not!
Were your movement slow, each step careful and unsure because you don’t know where the next step was or if you will trip over something?
Did you want to reach out for the wall or banister for guidance and reassurance or put your hands in front of you and feel your way around the house?
Did something that would have taken only a couple of seconds now seem to last forever?
Did you bump into a wall or door?
How did it make you feel not having the lights on and trying to perform a simple task?
So what changed ? The house didn’t change, the walls and doors are in the same place, the book didn’t change and the words didn’t fall off the page, you didn’t change – the only thing that changed was not being able to see and sending those messages to your brain, but look how that has made you feel – This is what depression feels like to me.
Now think what it is like to go through this for months and months. We want to reach out for guidance and help, but it feels like our hands are tied behind our back. Each small step forward is a small goal to reaching our target of getting better, but it doesn’t happen overnight. We are the same loving people inside, caring and needed, but this illness drowns our soul and tries to trip us up and make us fall, but each time we crawl back up else we give up and stay down. We feel strange inside our own head, in the same way you feel strange walking around your house with no lights on.
We struggle with this illness day in day out, sometimes putting on a false smile to fool the world that we can “see”, but inside we are alone and fearful in the dark. When our brain becomes ill, we feel trapped in our heads, it feels like the lights are off and we are trying to find our way around in the dark. Our movements are slow, our thought patterns are all mixed up, emotions are dead, memory is lost, thoughts are negative and it seems like it will last forever. We feel empty, confused and hate the hell we are living in. Things that should be easy when we are “normal” are now difficult to do. And when we do get to where we want, reading the words from the book is like trying to make sense out of something we can’t see. It’s confusing and we need help. Medication helps us, but most of all a hug and some understanding of what we are going through is what we need.
We want someone to love us and understand us, but no-one knows what we are going through and think we should “snap out of it”, “rise above it”, “don’t be so weak and helpless” …….
We are probably the strongest people in the world, because we carry on a day at a time when “normal” people would have given up.
I hope by trying this simple exercise you will have a better understanding of this illness and how we feel inside. Please understand, none of us want this illness, none of us asked for it. All we ask is for non-depressed people to try and understand how it feels.
I lost a really good relationship this year and someone I really loved because I didn’t know the symptoms of depression and I ended up losing myself in my head and now feel hollow and empty. My g/f didn’t understand depression, nor did she want to try and understand it. She thought I should be able to rise above it and not be so weak. I have been through the most traumatic time of my life, and came close to ending it twice. I have slowly dragged myself out of the gutter of despair and slowly getting my confidence back through medication and therapy. If 1 non-depressed person understands the illness better after reading and trying this exercise, then I have achieved a small goal – and maybe saved someone from ending it all because they think no-one understands.
like i am not realy there. i am somewhere else i do not know where it is but it is not hear.
like i am a burdon to the ones i love and they would do better with out me in there lives.
somes times i wonder if i am dreaming and some day i will wake up to a wonderful life where i am happy all the time.
i did drugs for a while and i thought they helped but when i quite it just made things worst. what i thought was happiness was actualy just nummness to what i realy felt. i often want to do them agien so i can escape the sadness but i love my child too much to risk lossing her. i have two realy good ideals on how to end my life but i can not hert my best friend that way ( she often tells me i am her only friend aside from her husbond).
depression is a fog in my head, keeping me from thinking clearly. it is a tired that sleep cannot relieve, a pain that is more insulting by the fact that it is completely pointless and endless.
depression is being hungry for something that cant be named, and hurting for that want.
depression is the head refusing to let the body move, the dark refusing to let the light in, the night refusing the day.
depression is a trick. i thought i got better. i made a life for myself. it doesnt matter that i am sucessful. it doesnt matter that i am smart. it doesnt even matter that i take my medication. depression has it out for me.
I get really excited about a plan and then it feels like before I even start it I lose all hope that it will work. I feel stupid most of the time even though everyone tells me I am one of the most intelligent people they know. I see all of the good things that I have done in my life and my family and friends always tell me how great I am doing and it drives me crazy, I feel even worse then because I am not happy over any of these good things and the more they tell me how great my life is the more I feel ungrateful and worthless. I feel like nothing I ever do will be good enough to make me stop wanting to hurt myself. I don’t understand why I feel that way and have mostly stopped doing it, but when I feel that way and someone I love is trying to tell me how great things are for me and that they are angry with me for being so empty and pathetic, I dig my fingernails into my arms so hard they bleed, and all I think about while they are talking is cutting my legs and stomach to release some of this pain. I feel like I can’t get it out any other way, and I’m always scared to start crying because I feel like I will never be able to stop. That is how depression feels for me and I want to have hope for all of us on this page, but am mostly unable.
I am 15 years old and high school is a living hell. I go to a christian school, and you would think people there would be nice. But its totally on the contrary, some of the most cruel human beings i have met go to that school. My school life is pretty much over, my teachers badger us with tons of work, and i can`t find rest in anyplace. Not even my own house, where im treated like nothing, my family has made me think that i`m a mistake. I feel like i don`t belong, like im the oddball kid. Like people dont get me, i have attempted suicide 5 times already. But i can`t go through with it and leaves me worse. But i am almost sure that rest and peace come after death, and im so sick of life, and I just want to do people a favor and leave this world.
Depression is a living hell…….Some days I feel worthless some days I feel good enough to roll out of bed………Suicide has been on my mind since day one….but I dont think I can do it nor do I truly want to deep down because I know it is wrong…though it appeals to me…….But what I hate worse than feeling worthless most of the time is the manic episodes I face day in and day out…..some last 10 min some last all day……the constant mood swings, I get irritated easily and I hurt those around me unintentionally…and it makes me feel worse after I’ve done it……The worst is I try to pretend it didnt happen and the guilt and grief I get from it make it even worse…..I find myself hitting rock bottom all the time and at the same time i’m sky rocketing doing something else……I really want to make everyone happy but the harder i try the more i seem to screw up and as time goes by the more i don’t care…….I’ve tried everything to beat it the medications that make you feel like you’re not you, the therapy that does nothing but make you feel worse, I even tried getting angry about it but yet that does absolutely nothing but anger those around me……So I’ve come to conclude that this is my chaos that i will live with hopefully.
depression is when you fell void.you have no perpose in life,you are just their.you fell like people just put up with you becouse they have to depression drives you crazy,for me i would imaagine blood.the thaught of my death made me smile when nothing else could.deprssion is finding every one so annoieng that you want them all to go away.depression is biend to dumb to die but to smart to live
Depression is the worst thing possible. You can never be truly happy. Everything in the world is bad and any thought of it ever changing is hopeless. Too afraid to die and yet too afraid to live. You live in a dream-like world where you can’t enjoy simple pleasures. You feel useless, hopeless, worthless. It seems as if dying is the only way to be released from your pain and that the world would be better off without you in it. All you want is to be released from your pain but you are afraid that it is impossible. It is a hell with no release, no escape, no freedom.
i am dying. and because of that i am clinically depressed. but i will be damned if i am going to die clinically depressed. we are all what we are. no better, no worse, just unique. we will be part of history. we are the present. and we have contributed to the future. and that is a good thing that can never be taken away from us. to all of you out there, shed a tear, take a deep breath, and smile, if only for once. you deserve to give yourself this before you check out. see you in heaven. my friends.
Depression is like an angry sea, as large as the waves are, they still can’t seem to get over that mountainous dune…
Comment by Amy — 4/1/2004 @ 8:15 pm
If it is severe depression, it feels like the worst hangover you could ever imagine – one that doesn’t get better with a bloody mary at breakfast. A permanent heavy duty hangover.
Comment by Fred Flintstone — 4/1/2004 @ 9:53 pm
Depression to me is like being lost in the forrest. It is dark, cold, lonely, scary and menacing. The fog that settles over it in the dark is smothering as a wet wool blanket. The edge of night is as close as your hand but yet as far away as the farthest star, and then it breaks. Peace settles overhead for a while and gives us a break but then we stumble back into the depth again and quickly and easily lose our way.
Comment by Karen — 4/1/2004 @ 11:09 pm
depression is a feeling that i want to get rid of, but right now, i dont know how.
its like a dense fog and persistantly cold and rainy weather that feels like there no hope of lifting.
i feel like i’m at the bottom of the world’s largest mountain and i somehow have to get to the other side. but i have lead boots and i’ve been awake for days
its like knowing there’s a giant tidal wave approaching as i trduge along a grey beach and i’m going to get swept out to the bottom of the black sea.
its like trying to walk through waist high cement
its frustrating and overwhelming. i feel incapicitated by simple chores like laundry and dishes that dont get done for weeks on end. like i’m some sort of invalid.
its a daily battle to get a shower, put on clothes and get to work and school. i feel like i deserve an award just for the herculean effort it took to show up to class. then i feel awful when i haven’t done my homework again. i am frightened by the university and i want to hide from the buildings and the professors who i feel have to despise me by now. no one wants to hear the excuses. they’ve heard them all before. crack the whip.
i dont like myself much these days
i want this feeling to go away.
Comment by Jim — 4/2/2004 @ 3:27 am
Depression is like being in a dark curved tunnel, there is just a hint of light ahead but no matter how far you move forward you never seem to fully see the light.
Comment by RedMan — 4/2/2004 @ 4:04 am
I feel like I am just “going through the motions” of an empty and devoid life. I am falling in a bottomless hole without the knowledge or power to escape the relentless gravitational pull. And the darkness …. man …. I can’t “see” a thing.
Comment by Steve — 4/2/2004 @ 9:36 am
Depression feels like everything else in the world is right, and you are wrong. There is a constant feeling of uselessness, like there is no purpose for you in the world, other than any thing negative.
Comment by Mahalia — 4/2/2004 @ 10:00 am
It feels as if I am drowning, constantly struggling for air, struggling to come up to the surface and have just another breath of fresh air. And when I do, it comes as a relief – my brain and body receive the needed oxygen. But this relief is so ephemeral because soon that breath of air is not enough, and I have to keep struggling to get another one. And with each time I am growing more and more tired and I am afraid that soon I will have to give up. It’s not that I don’t want to live – I do; it’s just that my strength capacity is very limited.
Comment by Anna — 4/2/2004 @ 4:33 pm
Depression is like a dream. Where i have no control of what is going on. There is no way out and no one cares.
Comment by sammy — 4/2/2004 @ 5:19 pm
It feels like being close to madness but never being able to make sure which side of “the sanity line” you are standing on. Giving consent to insanity seems like a solution but it also feels like weakness. Depresion (or, Melancholia) is a constant situation of “in-betweenness”.
Comment by Lutchi — 4/3/2004 @ 2:05 pm
Depression is the feeling of hopelessness, feeling useless and worthless…and when you’re depressed all you want is for it to just go away, no matter how. I would do anything and everything to end my depression…and that is the scariest part of it.
It’s when I can’t get myself out of bed in the mornings, when I can’t eat or sometimes I even overeat, it’s when I don’t enjoy the things I used to and it’s when every day I struggle with myself just to survive the day until it’s night and then the whole thing starts all over again, it’s when I can’t concentrate or have no control over my thoughts, it’s when I start thinking irrationally, when I start blaming myself or feeling endless guilt for no reason at all…that is how I feel when I am depressed.
Comment by sara — 4/4/2004 @ 3:42 pm
Hell…pure hell. All you want to do is die and stop the pain. blow your head off, hang yourself, etc etc. anything to stop hurting
Comment by james — 4/4/2004 @ 6:45 pm
Depression is hell. I used to enjoy life immensely and I was a very talkative person. Now, I sometimes wish that I would not wake up in the morning. It would be one way to end the pain. Something just feels off or wrong but it is difficult to describe exactly what that is. I have become socially isolated and just feel empty. Nothing I do gives me any joy and I almost feel helpless. I feel slowed down mentally.
Comment by Kevin — 4/4/2004 @ 10:27 pm
Depression is like constantly living the saddest song you’ve ever heard.
Comment by Kate — 4/5/2004 @ 11:40 pm
Depression is like a cold darkness descending upon you. You feel scared and lonely. You have thoughts, that people do not care about you. It rob me this year from my teaching job. Depression is like total darkness robbing your energy.
Comment by David — 4/6/2004 @ 2:26 am
It surrounds me and consumes me, smothering my will to live with the urge to destroy myself. There have been times in my life when I’ve felt better, but I’ve always lived in fear that it will return… and each time it gets worse. I feel like it has become a miserable, inseparable part of who I am.
Comment by Paul — 4/6/2004 @ 1:57 pm
depression feels like being trapped underwater, and trying to grow gills by sheer force of will. and at the same time being painfully conscious of the fact that it’s damn near impossible. and we’re supposed to ‘think’ our way better, to think positive. but if thinking is my disease, and my brain is sick and can’t be trusted then… how? i just chase my tail until i’m so tired i want to throw up. depression feels like a death sentence; once you’ve gone through all the medications and therapies, all there is to do is wait to die.
Comment by anne — 4/6/2004 @ 3:12 pm
Deppression is like being on the edge of despair….
It is as the snapping of twigs…thin, brittle, crisp with intent.
A slightness of pressure, brief hesitation, then sharp crackling bits are pummeled, wedging slivers deep into the emptiness.
Comment by sycamore — 4/6/2004 @ 4:57 pm
It feels like if I have become an empty soda can.
Comment by Mary — 4/6/2004 @ 6:03 pm
Depression is like everyone else in the world has disappeared and you are left all alone..and their is nothing you can do to change things…their is no one to listen and no one to care.
Comment by Danielle — 4/6/2004 @ 7:54 pm
Depression is like getting lost in the wood with no way to find your way out. You walk and walk and everything looks the same. All you feel is dispair.
Comment by Shannon — 4/7/2004 @ 12:48 am
I get so tired everyday trying to figure out what my real feelings are!!! Who am I? Am I still in love with my boyfriend of six years? Is this what my life is supposed to feel like? I get different feelings all through out the day. I don’t know where to turn. My therapist tells me stop trying to figure things out. I try not to read into things. But sometimes I can’t help it. I don’t knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
Comment by key — 4/7/2004 @ 10:57 am
Depression feels like a circle of guilt, worthlessness, inability, weakness, and fear. All wrapped up in silence and fog. You don’t function like you used to, you can’t think like you used to, you can’t participate like you used to and you let down those depending on you like they used to. You live in a circle of fear and guilt and your brain constantly reminds you that you no longer measure up and there’s no point in trying anymore. An endless circle of failure.
Comment by Jeran — 4/7/2004 @ 2:24 pm
I use to be excited, but now Im not. Now I just dont care about those things that use to drive me.
Then there are those moments when I really think I am going mad. My mind wont stop spinning. And the pain….in my head…shouting.
Sometimes the pain in my head is so great I just want to smash my head into the wall. Im tired…just so darn tired. I could sleep for weeks.
I see everyone around me who are trying their hardest to make me feel better. I know Im suppose to love them, but Im numb to any emotions.
Add to this all the guilt I feel inside for being this self-absorbed person. I think the fatigue comes from faking happiness to everyone around me.
Comment by MX — 4/7/2004 @ 2:28 pm
I feel nothing good… only emptiness, pain and guilt. It seems as though I am merely existing not living. I question everything I say and do…like I am not sure how I should be. I am constantly letting those I care about down…does that mean I don’t care for them. Depression makes me feel so self-involved and yet I don’t even want to think about myself. I don’t like who I am.
Comment by Milisa — 4/7/2004 @ 5:22 pm
its like your trapped in a glass box of saddness. All you can do is watch everyone else around you living as you are trapped. Trapped there wishing you had what they have. Wanting to be truley alive and not stuck in theses motions. You are numb but feel pain at the same time. You feel like giving up but still want. You are alive but not living.
Comment by woes — 4/7/2004 @ 8:31 pm
hello
I have lived with depression for many years.
somtimes I have racing thoughts and I can not get them out of my head. I feel as though I can’t sleep, and I stay up all night. I feel as though I cannot move and so any thing. I feellike a loser, that every thing I worked for is not good, and that I am a faluier. But I pray and know that God will save me when I am in my right mind.
But there is other times when I am made at God.
I shouldnt be though. He is the savior and he will save us.
Comment by kim — 4/8/2004 @ 12:35 am
I am a ghost trapped in my own body that refuses to die. For over ten years now i have felt so empty inside except for the pain that lets me know im still alive. My throat feels as if a hand is clinched around it. My stomach is always in knots. My thoughts are often cloudy and it clears only to become crushing anxiety. My suppossed friends try to help me with very empty advice. They mean well, but in their ignorance it seems they do more harm than good. If I didn’t know better I’d think they were out to destroy me. Ten years without counciling, fearing the Ministry and Head Shrinkers (turn me into helpless sheep or use me like a guinnee pig)….. don’t trust anyone in my weakened state. After all, ain’t I supposed to be handle this on my own? And if I can’t… so what. The world will go on with out me……. it has for over ten years now.
Comment by Lee — 4/8/2004 @ 12:57 am
Total hopelessness even if there is no reasoning.
Icouldnt funtion normaly.stop eating, total sadness, feeling know one will know why or understand you or what your going trough because of the no reasoning.a silincnt crying, senivtive heart rate, worthless, didnt mater if I died.
most of the time this pain gose and comes back in your live. BUT, there is hope …….really.
Even if you dont belive it there is light after the darkness.JESUS as save me life .And has help me undertand the reasoning of things of life .
I hope I can reach out to people and help them unlike no human has not done for me.
P.S.”somethimes you have to remind your self life is hard for a reason beacuse youre important, the point is that it is the “Evil”’s job is to attack you to get you off the right track.”
This is what is ture to me. if you what to ask me anything I will be glad to help. write me at:melissa963@bellsouth.net.
Comment by Melissa — 4/8/2004 @ 6:57 pm
I want to be back to what and who I was; yet I don’t even remember what or who I used to be anymore, much less the way to get there. Confusion about everything in my life. There is nothing clear, just darkness. Making a simple decision can be overwhelming and feels like failure is always knocking at my door! Sleep, sleep, sleep. Can’t work, can’t think. Am I just lazy? Am I using depression as an excuse, when all I am is a lazy bum? I am such a dumb person! Embarrassment. Do I love my wife, do i love anyone in my life anymore? If I do? Why do I not even want to sustain a conversation with any of them? So many questions, so many doubts, so many fears…..I am slowly dying!!!!!!
Comment by jaime pereira — 4/9/2004 @ 8:44 am
I suffered for 25 years with repeat bouts of major depression until my wife gave me an ultimatum: get help of I go. It was the hardest thing I’d ever done…It saved my life. It has been over ten years since I started seeing a therapist and getting medical help. It hasn’t always been easy. My life is leaps and bounds better now than it was before. I feel a whole new sense of purpose and life. I feel a will within me I didn’t know existed. I know all of you can feel good, just keep fighting and it will happen.
Comment by Walton — 4/9/2004 @ 4:43 pm
Like I’m blank. I feel nothing for the things I used to like and the people I used to love. I just want to run away and hide somewhere but I know that it will still be with me, following me everywhere. I can’t get away from it.
Comment by Amy — 4/10/2004 @ 12:49 pm
Neither extreme just slight emotions. Just wait for the good morning/day if you’re lucky week to come along. Waiting. Dreams seem so distant. Snap back to reality then, off you go again…
Comment by Jus — 4/11/2004 @ 8:45 am
To me my depression has been a constant battle to maintain productivity in my life. I am 32 yrs old now and once had so many friends I couldn’t decide who to see. Now I am alone, I hide away , so noone sees my pain. I feel like a loser and I tell myself everyday. People think I have it all. Inside , I pray for my death. Everyday , I ask God to take me from this earth. I am distant and can no longer love. My family misses the old me, who always smiled. My life is over, I feel useless. I can never think clearly, so learning is a chore. I feel noone likes me, and I don’t blame them. I am awful, full of jealousy. I wish for a clear mind and the bounce out of bed to start my day. I am in Sales and I am fading out to nothing. I can’t make money because, I hide from everyone. I am ashamed of what I have become.
Comment by PaulJordan — 4/11/2004 @ 8:03 pm
I have been battling depression on and off for some time, and things were going well for the better part of a few years. One year ago, I unexpectedly lost my Mother. She had Liver Serosis and kept her illness silent from all family and friends right up until her death. Shortly after her death, I experienced a horrific end to a 2 year relationship I was in. Since then, my mental health has continued to decline and at only 20 years old, I have hit rock bottom.
Im unable to experience the same feelings I used to. Nothing motivates me or puts enthusiasm into my soul anymore, not even music (which has been my passion since 10 years old). Every day is the same. I constantly feel lonely and hopeless longing to be the compassionate and genuinely happy person that the world once knew.
I have become a very different person over the past year. I think far too much, and always negative. I constantly worry about every little thing in my life. I am often unable to carry on a conversation for longer than half a minute without feeling or thinking awkward. People often tell me Im not the person they once knew.
I remember when I used to light up the room I was in. People would enjoy my company, invite me to be their company, think highly of me. Now, Im very irritable and feel as though I annoy alot of people. I have definitley become someone else and the change has been drastic and very noticeable.
I dont even know what Im doing any more. I am so confused even just typing this stuff. I dont know why Im saying this. I cant even find the right words to say.
I constantly re-think what Im doing before I even take action against something. For example, if Im writing poetry, I’ll scrap the entire poem before it’s even half way done.
I must sound like the biggest idiot in the world. Im just going to go before I make myself look any worst. I really hope one day I see the sun again. I know I cant just wait for it and I have to do something, but Im not sure where to start. And if I do decide to start and take action to make progress, I fear I will only be let down because I will fail miserably and sink even lower.
Comment by Anonymous — 4/12/2004 @ 12:20 am
It’s like living in a blender. Everything is so mixed up and looks the same. It’s like swimming against the tide and you know you can’t win it.
Comment by Christie — 4/12/2004 @ 10:27 am
i feel as though i have been running from this “thing” and somehow i always end up having to face it again. Like i am running down a one way road in the wrong direction. i confine myself in my room at home and rarely ever feel like going out. i have been fighting depression for about 7 years now. it has been a long battle and most of the time i feel as though i am fighting it alone. It has affected my schooling and at a point, I actually had to withdraw from school. things like this shouldn’t have to happen to anyone, much less a teenager whom is supposed to have their whole life ahead of them. there is no point in it. i feel like screaming just so everyone can know how i feel. people tell me just to “snap-out” of it but its not something you can just get over. i get so frustrated with my mother and then i always feel so bad because she has been the only one that has supported me through all of this. i honestly dont know what i would have done without her in my life.
Comment by Kathryn — 4/13/2004 @ 11:33 am
Depression is like a dark cloud hanging over my head. It’s like an impending doom that i KNOW is coming, and i can feel it coming closer each time i smile… and then, when it hits, it hurts to smile… it hurts to laugh… all the things i care about become burdens, and i just wanna give up… i would love to just sleep all the time, but the guilt and embarrassment of it gets me out of bed each day. It takes all i have when im down just to take my meds before bed, and to say i love you to my girlfriend when i get to talk to her… when im down it is as if the bright future i have is unattainable, and no matter HOW i try to think of it, my mind convinces me im lying to myself and that i’d be better off dead… depression is being a zombie. Depression is having your soul taken out and becoming a tool… when im depressed i curse God… why don’t i run to Him? because im weak, and i feel like He doesnt want to bother with a weakling like me… although i know i cannot pull myself out… depression is waking up every day knowing im already dead. but, i know i can AND WILL beat depression… and im working hard to do so…
Comment by Brian — 4/13/2004 @ 8:36 pm
Depression is like living in a glass cage that only you can see. You scream and scream but no one reaches out to help, because they can’t see that you’re all alone. You pray every night that God will take you painlessly away. But you hate him…because you know he won’t. So you plan to end it all, knowing that this pain will never leave. And all along, all you want is to be held and know that there will be a happy ending to your screams. How will it end? I still don’t know…
Comment by lydia — 4/13/2004 @ 10:10 pm
Depression confuses me.
I feel worthless,unmotivated, and less valuable -ever moving is a pool of thick sadness. I’ve lost interest in work, wife, and friends. I don’t know if my depression is a just reaction to my laziness, insensitivity and worthlessness or the other way around. And this confusion depresses me further.
Comment by Dave — 4/14/2004 @ 1:06 am
hi,
death it all leads to you. Life lived in awe or maybe spent in torment. Either way it all leads to you, DEATH. Noone knows how i feel and about how lonely it is to be all alone, my youth was stolen by guilt, my adulthood taken by coweredness. Life seems so simple as the wathcer. But as the years drifed by as I quickly became an adult, Life didn’t seem any longer so simple. Words hurt you. No matter where you go they will always remain. You may try to hide how much words really hurt you, but i guess others are just better at hiding. A failure in everyones eyes and they are not afraid to say so. The words that escape their lips tear through your heart as if it were made of tissue paper. Noone knows how it feels to be numb because you haven’t given the chance for anyone to unlease emotion. Noone sees the painful tears that hide behind these eyes. Noone sees the unpleasent frown of a lonely hurt person. Noone sees me i am invisable. So life will you spear me and uncleance me from this suffering.
Comment by sunset — 4/14/2004 @ 2:02 am
Depression seems to be getting worse as I get older. I’ve been seeing doctors for over 16 years and have tried a lot of medication. I’m hopeful that I will find the medication that will finally help me.
I really feel that depression has held me back from all of my dreams. Who am I? It seems that I get that figured out and then for no reason, I must keep asking that question.
Comment by stephanie — 4/14/2004 @ 2:28 pm
Its like everything is on top of you all the time but when you try to reach up and do something it slides away, and you can’t touch anyone or feel anyone like you know you should. The worst part is knowing you shouldn’t feel like this, knowing it could be better, that actually the world is great, but all you can feel is the bleakness and the fear.
And so tired, so damn tired of everything, its all so hard, every movement take a lifetime, every though goes in circles, but you can’t sleep because you do go in circles ad you are afraid, of what might come, of waking in the morning and finding the world still there, of having to talk to people of just being.
Comment by LittleKnife — 4/16/2004 @ 7:40 pm
Depression…is like not being able to feel anything or think of anything, except for the present…and how much it sucks because it seems nothing will rid of the sadness in the future. Nothing feels like it’s happening, everyone around you seems like they’re ignoring you. You lose everything that made you happy…things that you can still do don’t make you happy anymore, even the things that helped you escape the reality that already felt like torture everyday. Sometimes, I wish that the world would just…blow up, or at least take a break, to stop everything for a while. It feels like the small problems just get bigger…and all you feel like is staying in your room and crying forever.
Comment by Erica — 4/17/2004 @ 12:24 am
Depression feels like walking naked down a narrow hallway that has shards of glass sticking out that cut your skin as you make your way through. It is gut-wrenching pain and loneliness where even when a best friend is attempting to console you, you feel nothing.
Comment by Lisa — 4/17/2004 @ 1:14 am
“If a woman is to write fiction “, said Virginia Wolf, “she must have money and a room of her own”.
I was composing one of my gloomiest poems when I was diagnosed to have a Severe Major Depression illness. I called it “a hell of my own”. At my early days of depression, I had no idea of how far it can take me and somehow in the tip of my heart I liked that hell. I would rather to sit at the darkest corner of the hell and grieve over my lost years. Some times I used to enjoy whispering parts of my dead poem over and over:
Tonight a cold breeze,
which smells like camphor,
will chill my bones.
And I will wash my sad songs in its humidity.
And will leave my homeless dandelions to its frozen fingers.
Then, I will lie down beyond the winter
So calm
So peaceful
Hey! All the owls of cemeteries on the earth!
Sing to me your lullabies.
And hey you!
The Cold Breeze!
I will turn to a petunia
Whiter than petunias in a hospital
With my eyes: wide open,
Surprised by the glory of winter
Waiting for you in a wooden box
Take me!
Take me to the land of impossible plants
Sow me there
Where pain is just a legend
And grieve is just a tale
I will bud
I will grow leaves
I will blossom:
“A blue lily
In Never Land!”
I knew nothing about the complexity of humans mind. How sophisticated is our perception of the world. Swirling through a dark tunnel, surrounded by a shadow of confusion and anxiety, I went and went. I was almost hospitalized when I realized I could not go on like that any more. It was dreadful. I remember those terrifying hours in which any moment was a burden, staying at bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking of a way to suicide.
Becoming social withdrawal is a common symptom of people with depression. For the social passive person I have always been; it was more noticeable. I used to be a passionate person for literature. I used to love reading poetry books, listening to music. During my blue days I could not stand listening to a song. I wanted to stay in the silent darkness where I was forgotten by every body: no song, no human being. My attitude toward people was so distorted: “those ridiculous people who hate me!” In fact, before my depressive illness I had few friends and after that I had no friend. I was angry at people, at the whole world and at myself, the weak person who I was. Furthermore, people around me kept saying “do not be so week and emotional. You are the one who can save yourself. Just say to yourself that you do not want to be depressed any more. Snap out of it. Go and have fun.”
I was so tired all the time, had no appetite and I hardly could manage to sleep for a horrible nightmare I had: I was standing lonely in a deserted area where was filled with dead birds; icy wind was blowing on my face. The cloudy dark sky was too close to the earth. It was like end of the world. I hated to put my feet on the birds but I had no choice.
Given so many terrible feelings, I had to work on my PhD thesis what is tough even for a person in normal condition of mind. I had lost my concentration ability, my ability to think and infer clearly and also my memory.
Comment by Niloofar — 4/17/2004 @ 4:54 am
It feels like nothing.
A blank universe where only you exist and there is no escaping.
Comment by Mirah — 4/17/2004 @ 1:19 pm
Depression feels like always walking through thigh-high mud. It feels like being lost alone in the dark hallways of my mind and having only a little window through which I can see the sunshine and the lives of other people. Colors loose their intensity, joy is always muted. I want to hide away in my house from all the people, because it is so much trouble acting normal in public; no slow slumping walk or crying allowed there. Depression feels like none of my talents, skills, and accomplishments matter. Somehow I am not as good as other people. I want to sleep and sleep and sleep, even though I know what beautiful things I might be missing during those hours of blessed oblivion.
Right now I have a situational depression on top of major depressive disorder. If it weren’t for medication and an unassuming, pleasant, and caring doctor (and how very rare those are!!) I would be dead.
Comment by ms. margaret — 4/17/2004 @ 4:59 pm
A series of life’s tragedies set me in this very dark state of mind. Two divorces, two to three jobs at once, working single Mom, business that I owned burned to the ground, Dad dies unexpectedly and on and on. I have always been the strong one in the family but now I realize that I am no longer strong. Thoughts of death and ending the misery are a constant companion and a daily struggle to deal with. What is a good nights sleep? What is a happy dream instead of nightmares? What is enjoying life and activities when all I feel is the need to work (which I now hate with a passion) or things would not be any good at all? Depression robs you of life. Plain and simple.
Comment by Dee — 4/18/2004 @ 10:12 am
Alone. Wishing for death.
Comment by fiona — 4/18/2004 @ 4:19 pm
I make an extreme effort not to fill, but I can’t. I fill helpness, I fill alone, I worry about everything, I am ashamed of myself. Why nobody sees how much I suffer? Why nobody take care of myself?
I want to die. It is so pathetic, I write this letter because I fill so lonely that I seek for help in my computer.
It is hard for me to wake up in the morning. I look at the clock hoping that the day will end, and another day comes on and on. And every day the same. I would like to sleep for the rest of my life.
I don’t want to fill anymore. It is extremely painfull.
Comment by Alicia — 4/18/2004 @ 4:39 pm
What does it feel like? It feels like a shot of Novacaine straight to your brain. Numb. Things that normally make you happy are nothing all of a sudden. You don’t want to smile. You don’t want to wake up. You see no NEED to wake up. Every single day is like the day before. Like that movie Groundhog Day with Bill Murray. Nothing makes you happy. You cry every day for no damn reason. You just want it all to end. You find yourself thinking of the most painless way of ending it all. Bunch of pills? Maybe. Razor? Hey, it’ll only hurt five or seven minutes and then you just go to sleep. Big deal. A few minutes of discomfort and it’s all over with. It feels like you have been forgotten by GOD. The Almighty Most Merciful God has just been too busy with other crap that He’s just forgotten about ya’. You wake up, do what you HAVE to do, go to sleep and do it all over again. It sucks. What the hell is the sense of waking up? Hey, if I do myself in, at least someone who needs a job more than I do will get one because I won’t be there. Therefore, I’ll be serving a purpose. I’m trying and crying.
Comment by moon shadow — 4/18/2004 @ 10:36 pm
I would also like to say, now that I’m done rambling on about myself, that if you logged on to this site, you need help. I know, myself, that’s it’s hard to find help. No one to talk to, no insurance for professional help, whatever. It’s not easy. Look. I cope by, unfortuneately, crying and alcohol every damn night. Don’t like it but if I didn’t do it, I definitely would not be here as of two years ago. Logging on and venting DOES help. That’s why I did it. It DOES help to just get out what you feel. Even if you don’t get a response. I keep on trucking because of a very loving wife and two step kids who love me. Without me, they got nothing. My advice to you? Find someone who finds you necessary and cling on to them. It just might be your ticket to hanging on a little while longer until you get the help you need. What I just said is not the miracle thing. It’s just what’s keeping me from folding my hands and ending the game.
Comment by moon shadow — 4/18/2004 @ 10:48 pm
to anonymous who wrote on April 17 @12:20 am if you are reading this I want you to know that I am going through the same thing. Everything that you are discribing, I am and was going through. But I could not seem to describe anything so I give you alot of credit for that. My days are getting better. A month ago I changed my medication and things are becoming brighter. Just hold on and things will get better for you. I am 23 years old and have been depressed for 2 years. It has almost ruined my relationship and my life. I hope that you will be strong!!!!!!!!
Comment by rc — 4/20/2004 @ 2:08 pm
i feel nothing, you try to objectify why you feel this way, what in your life is so wrong and when you come up with nothing whatso ever you feel horrible. you feel guilty for having what many would think is a privillidged life and being unable to appreciate that because all you can think about is how much of huge stinking load your life has become. you are your own worst enemy, trapped in a prison of flesh you long for release in any way.nothing feels right, i cant even go to university most days coz im terriffied of life. i feel so isolated, no one will talk to me. i wait for the day i can smile again but it will never come. i cant fix this.
Comment by zionxin — 4/21/2004 @ 4:05 am
Its hard.. but i keep going cuz i know it’ll end soon.. it does for everyone, except the people who commit suicide, if they’d would have held on longer they’d be fine.. Work with me everyone, and never give up.. never surrender, to depression.
Comment by Andrew — 4/21/2004 @ 10:59 am
“a million zeros, unfortunately, do not add up to one.” -carl jung
one word: void. it is a total lack, an obliterating nothingness, it is less than zero, it is numbness and cold. i thought maybe ‘vacuum’ could describe it, but the word vacuum implies the sucking in and dispelling of, a vacuum implies that substance exists. the void knows nothing of substance, it knows nothing of color, texture, or shape. this void doesn’t merely exist within, it encompasses all, it changes the fabric and nature of all matter, cells, and DNA around it.
those who have never experienced this, who look at you aghast that you could even suggest suicide, have never visited hell.
Comment by onemillionzeros — 4/21/2004 @ 4:11 pm
I guess that zionxin said it best. that is exactly how I’ve been feeling for a long time now, only I didn’t know how to describe it. The bad thing is…everything is getting worse. I cut myself for the first time yesterday. All I want to do is sleep. I think about suicide, but I’m too scared to actually kill myself. So I sleep. I dropped out of college 2 days ago, now I feel like a worthless lump of person…no, not person…I’m too numb to feel like a person today…my parents don’t understand. They say that I am only upset because god is punishing me for living a life of sin. The only relationship that I have ever had is falling to pieces. He has been patient with me for 2 and a half years, but he is starting to get burned out. I don’t think he wants to deal with me anymore…with all of my crying fits and irrational jealousy and crazy emotions. If I lose him I don’t know what I’ll do…yes I do. I’ll do it this time, I won’t chicken out. I’m not saying this to get pity from people…don’t get me wrong. It just feels good to say these things out loud (kindof). humph…this is the first thing that’s felt good in a long time.
Comment by audra — 4/22/2004 @ 5:12 am
i have been depreesed for 14 yrs im now 28 ,i cry all the time and hate my life ,although i have a beautiful 5 yr old boy ,i much wonder if he would be better without me ,but that thought makes me cry i never had parents and i dont want the same for him,meds are nice but they never work ,i wish they would ,i cant remeber ever being awake ,happy,or even a bit excited i hate it i wish i could change it all,especially for my son !
Comment by chrissy — 4/23/2004 @ 2:57 am
I’m still not sure if what I feel is depression. Every so often I feel like someone comes and puts a big heavy blanket on me. I do feel really bad at times but is it depression?
I’ve self harmed for about a year and not been able to talk to people much in person for over 3 years now. For a lot of the time I have wanted to kill myself and end this pain I feel.
I do have happy moments but even when I’m trying to improve I fall right back again.
My parents ask why I am doing this to them then forget me and focus back on my sister.
At the moment I can barely even make myself go to school. It’s 4 days back after the Easter holiday and I’ve had to have a day off so I can continue and hopefully get through my exams.
There are lots of people I talk to over the internet and have deep respect for – but I feel inadequate next to them.
People tell me I’m clever and I’ll be okay but I just knew deep inside it could be the next lesson or the next exam that I’m going to burst out and cry and scream.
My school know about my self harming and didn’t take it seriously. When I was taken out a lesson crying before they took me away and told me how emotionally strong I am usually.
I’m sorry. Does this make any sense?
Comment by Helen — 4/23/2004 @ 9:00 am
Depression is an insidious vacuum that crawls into your brain and pushes your mind out of the way. It is the total absence of rational thought. You are left with a dangerous, horrifying, terrifying fog wafting throughout whatever is left of your mind.
Comment by Chris — 4/23/2004 @ 3:43 pm
I don’t really know if I have depression, but it sure as hell feels like it. I have no desire to do anything,I just want to sleep forever or just a little while.
I feel as if no one would understand, I don’t even know how to explain it. I feel as if something is just not right, one minute i am raging mad, next minute I am wondering why I was mad, then I am sad because I can’t understand why I was even mad. I am constantly snapping at my husband, and the littlest things make me cry.
Comment by cj — 4/24/2004 @ 9:31 am
I am wondering why all of us do not understand that we are important to someone out there. We ALL have someone who loves us dearly and would miss us if we were gone. The world today gives us the message that “things” are disposable. That message haunts us all.
“You” are not a “thing” that is disposable. You are valuable and loved. Never, never, never give up!! Fight for yourself, you are worth it. YOU make a difference in someones life.
Comment by Debbie — 4/24/2004 @ 12:21 pm
They say we can get well IF we hang in there? I’m not too sure about that! Depression..wandering in chaos and not understanding why. Confusion and empty feelings and yet so uncontrollable. No one seems to understand or they don’t ‘want’ to. It’s self hatred that one has been robbed of a ‘normal’ life IF there is one. Feelings of desperation to the point that one just wants to die and I want to die now. I hate myself.. No one understands….everyone looks at me like I’m odd or not human and no one wants to get close to me…worse than any physical illness! I hate depression..I hate life! I hate myself. I don’t fit in anywhere and they say I ‘can’ get better? I don’t think so…I do need an escape.
Comment by char — 4/24/2004 @ 10:41 pm
Depression to me is like a blanket of death. You feel you are just existing. Most of the time wondering why.You know what you want to do, such as clean your house or a room or do this or that and you picture what it would look like when you are done and how proud you would be. But you just dont have the energy to get up and do so you sit all day on the couch just sulking. You dont like it and you watch the clock all day. Ok you say I still have a couple of hours and before you know it its night you dont even have the energy or the want to to get up and eat. Or to cook for a husband whose been at work all day and you pass out. You wake up the next day shaking and feeling tense and have your coffee and immediatly take a pill to calm your nerves. Sometimes it works most times it doesnt. You want to stop it so bad. I keep saying to myself stop it. I want me back. Where did I go. Now I wonder if I’ll ever come back I egnore the phone 90% of the time. You just dont want to be botherd and when you are it angers you. You just want to crawl somewhere and be alone. You lose interest in everything. You tend to be mean to those who love you. In my case its my husband, he was a bad alcoholic for yrs and I cant get over that so now when he comes home I engnore him. I have nothing to say even if he comes in with flowers or something for me to cheer me up I am mean to him. I tell him just leave me alone. Even when you should be on top of the world your at the bottom of the totum pole. You just plain dont want to be bothered. Your house goes to pot. You dont want to clean. You dont want to go anywhere just sit on the couch all day with the TV on and most of the time its on mute and you stare and wonder, what the heck is going on. What do I have to do to get rid of this? Ive tried so many anti-depressants to no avail, Where do you turn? Theres no one who really understands, they all think your just being lazy. Anyone else like this please let me know Im not alone. Email me. Lenda788@aol.com. I am open to any suggestions. I have been clinically depressed for a lot of yrs now. Things have happened as they do in life and have just added to it. Something as got to be done Im almost at my wits end. My husband comes home for work and I just want him to go away. My kids will stop by and most of the time I just want them to go away. The house is a disaster so I dont want them seeing it anyway. What do you do? People dont understand its not like an on and off switch you can cut on and off otherwise there would be no such illness. Everyone would keep it off. I know I would. My husband says when I tell him I start shaking when I wake up or when he comes home and he just says well dont do that. I try to explain you cant just turn it off. Lord I wish I could. Im so tired of it. Its a dark cloud over you constantly its like a demon trying to take you to the dark side. Its like feeling you dont want to be alive anymore, why be here if you are going to be this way, but not being here would hurt the kids. Its like a tidal wave that just swoops you away and just when you think you may come up for air it comes again and again and again. You start to take medicine, then you find yourself taking more and more and more just to try and make it through the day or to make you feel better for just a little while. But it doesnt work. Its reaching out for help, getting it and getting discouraged because it does not do no good. All you want is life back. You wonder will it ever be the same. It hurts to smile. I have anxiety or panic attacks all the time. I cant be around my grandkids to long at a time because of it. I dont want to rely on xanax the rest of my life but what do you do. And the Celexa is not working anymore. I have a new 6 week old grandson to ad to the other 3 I already have, I should be on top of the world and Im looking for a new better place to live. But none of it really matters. Im so depressed that I cant enjoy the things I should. Please someone tell me what do I do? Im lost, Im confused, most of all Im depressed and paniced out. Im afraid to fall alsleep at night wondering what the next day will bring.
Comment by Linda Perry — 4/25/2004 @ 10:46 pm
You feel empty. Yet overflowing with emotions. At the same time.
You hate yourself. You hate living. You hate everything. Everything you do seems wrong. You feel jinxed. Like you can never do right. But you should. You have to be perfect. But there is no chance of that ever happening.
You dont care about anything yet everything matters so much. So much it hurts.
You feel pathetic and guilty because really there is nothing to be upset over.
You feel like youre going insane.
You feel so alone even with millions of people all around you.
You feel sad all the time. You have to hide it though. You cant show anyone how weak you are.
You cry all the time. Sometimes for no reason. Break down everytime you are alone. Then wipe the tears and put on the smile again.
You feel so tired all the time. Not just tired. Totally drained of all energy. Typing this is tiring me out.
You get headaches and stomachaches all the time.
You feel cut off from the world.
You feel so hopeless. Like you will always be like this. Your life will always be this constant struggle for happiness.
You want to be happy more then anything yet you just cant. But theres another part of you. That feels secure being sad. Because when youre sad you cant be hurt.
You basically feel like hell.
And it builds up till you feel like you cant cope anymore. The pain is too much and there is no real reason to go on. You want to give in. But you cant because thats selfish. So you carry on. Carry on falling apart.
Comment by Amy — 4/26/2004 @ 3:05 pm
What I wrote sums up just a few points about it but there is so much that is impossible to explain.
Heres simple explanation:
Its like being close to death….but not close enough.
Comment by Amy — 4/26/2004 @ 3:16 pm
The worse thing is that you feel like your the only one feeling this pain and that you must have done something to deserve it,and how did you get so weak in the first place!
It must be one of the worse feelings in the world,and all you want do is get back to who you where,but how!
Comment by christine grace — 4/26/2004 @ 5:58 pm
For those who don’t have it but want to know what it’s like, the best analogy I can come up with at the moment is trying to punch a hanging bedsheet. You hit it as hard as you can, but it barely moves, and it feels like you’re not really punching at all. Go ahead and try it. Make sure you get frustrated with yourself in the process, resulting in furious punches that do nothing but make you feel more and more worthless with every punch.
Far too many math lessons for my own good, but here it is: the graph. Plot it out and see what I mean:
everyone = sin(x), 0<x<360
me = (sin(x/2)-1)/2, 0<x<720
Comment by Farren — 4/26/2004 @ 10:49 pm
I really can’t say when I started feeling like this. I just knew something was wrong when all I would do is cry. (Can you believe that Sex & the City made me cry?) I would cry when I got to work at 7:30, at lunch, basically all the time. I couldn’t concentrate at work and finally started to have anxiety attacks. It was the hardest to go to work and try to not have your co-workers or boss think you were like “losing it” or a “weakling”. You feel alone in the world and no matter how close you are to your loved ones, (boyfriend, husband, friends, etc.) noone can help or understand what you are going through unless they have been through it. You slowly start to isolate yourself from friends and family. You don’t really recognize that you are depressed until it affects everything you do. Nothing satisfies you. I almost feel like a there was an old me and now the “new” depressed me. I try to remember how all this came about or when it all actually did; but I can’t. I guess the worst part is waiting to see when I will feel better. Hopefully soon! I pray that everyone who is in the same boat will get help. It is the worst feeling in the world. I don’t want to get up each morning; then when I do, I just want to lay there as the world passes me up.
Comment by christine sixteen — 4/27/2004 @ 12:55 am
It feels like …a hole inside. You can’t fill it.It feels so good to cry, so you do it a LOT. Sometimes, for no reason. You don’t really know why, you’re just…crying, all of a sudden. I’m so sad right now, that I can’t even cry, and I wish I could. 2 nights ago, I stayed up really late, and I was crying so hard that my kitties came over to me to see what was wrong. I just want to feel normal again. There WAS a time when I didn’t feel like this…why can’t I get back to it?
Comment by Anne A. — 4/27/2004 @ 1:47 am
Depression makes me feel one of two ways:
1)I feel completely numb, useless, empty, dead
2)I feel an unjustifiable sadness, an absolute hopelessness
It’s frustrating. Picture this: I feel like I am completely submerged under water, and I can see the glow of the sun on the surface. I want to get there. I want to breathe, I am struggling to swim towards the light, which cannot reach me through the depths. But, I can never get very far because I have weights attached to my ankles that keep bringing me back down, that require for overexertion to even lift them.
Comment by Rachal — 4/27/2004 @ 2:40 pm
to everyone who has posted messages on this page, I really know exactly what it feels like. I have even seen my sister going through this. I am 20 yrs old and I know I am supposed to be a livewire going for parties and being asked out by boys and the like. But I feel so isolated. Everybody seems to just want me out of the mess that I am in. A year back I was a healthy happy person with no problems. I had hope for the future. Now I am just walking in this black tunnel and there is just no light at the end. Yes, even I think zionxin was absolutely right. At rare times I feel a glimmer of hope but I just cannot understand why I have to go through this. I just want to escape so badly. Forever. I feel so alone and I cant make any decisions for myself. I cry all the time. I have heard the phrase that if u r able to stop thinking abt happiness it might just happen. But I cant think of anything but that. In a way, I myself am just waiting for myself to get better. I just hope I helped you in realizing that u r really not the only chaotic disturbed one going through all these emotions.
Comment by Mira — 4/28/2004 @ 11:14 am
It’s as if I am standing and looking out to the horizon and its gray, flat, featurless. I know that somewhere out there it ends, but where it ends makes no difference at all. It could be now, or it could be a long way off, it just doesn’t matter.
I know that there are people that love me, but from where I am, I can’t feel it, it might as well not exist for all the difference it makes. I am a failure at everything I have ever tried. Every friend or person who has depended on me, I have let down. They would have been better off had they never know me.
Comment by Mike — 4/28/2004 @ 3:30 pm
time just comes to a stand still. The whole world could be falling apart outside and you just won’t care.and no, time is not on your side, it wants you, it consumes you but you can’t do anything about it.and so apathy turns to anger turns to sadness, but you’d rather be mad than sad, at least not crying anymore,and when will it ever end. you just don’t care what happens. you want to change but just can’t start. where do you even begin to put your life into perspective, that’s just depressive in itself, and then to get overwhelmed by emotions, they are not supperessed, they are just coming out of nowhere, they are real, they exist for a reason,but who knows why, why do they have to be sad emotions?
make it go away is the only thing you can think, but you can’t and don’t see really when they ever will.
Comment by wasted time — 4/28/2004 @ 4:06 pm
I have experienced depression in the past(during college) and it is a horrid thing to have to go through. I have read your above statements and I feel for each and everyone of you. I offer HOPE. There is hope out there. Seek help. Go to a doctor explain how you are feeling. Go talk to someone, repeatedly. There are ways out of depression and you WILL be a stronger but happy and healhy person. The woods are dark and deep but there is an end to it. The sun will shine again!
I am currently going through a period of depression with my husband. After 14 months I have finally nearly dragged him to the doctor and he has put on medication which he is taking. But he has decided that he no longer loves me and wants out. We have a 14 month old son and the last few months have been very hard. He doesn’t see what he is doing to the life we have built together. I have hope that the medication will begin to work and then perhaps I can convince him to see a counselor. I have now been the one depressed and the one that is a depressed person is lashing out against. It is emotionally draining for both of us and we have no idea what the future holds.
I send out hopes and thoughts to all of those that are hurting. Get help, it works and you will be happy once again!
Comment by Anya — 4/28/2004 @ 9:36 pm
I have experienced depression in the past(during college) and it is a horrid thing to have to go through. I have read your above statements and I feel for each and everyone of you. I offer HOPE. There is hope out there. Seek help. Go to a doctor explain how you are feeling. Go talk to someone, repeatedly. There are ways out of depression and you WILL be a stronger but happy and healthy person. The woods are dark and deep but there is an end to it. The sun will shine again!
I am currently going through a period of depression with my husband. After 14 months I have finally nearly dragged him to the doctor and he has put on medication which he is taking. But he has decided that he no longer loves me and wants out. He left last week. We have a 14 month old son and the last few months have been very hard. He doesn’t see what he is doing to the life we have built together. I have hope that the medication will begin to work and then perhaps I can convince him to see a counselor. I have now been the one depressed and the one that a depressed person is lashing out against. It is emotionally draining for both of us and we have no idea what the future holds.
I send out hopes and thoughts to all of those that are hurting. Get help, it works and you will be happy once again! I promise!
Comment by Anya — 4/28/2004 @ 9:38 pm
I haven’t been diagnosed as yet but reading others’ description, I am certain that I have a depressive illness. Its gets hold of me periodically and doesn’t let go for periods lasting upto a week or two. Its very difficult to actually express all the complex currents of thoughts that move through one’s mind during a period of depression. I have made an attempt here but it would at best be a partial description. Immediately after posting, I would feel that I missed mentioning many of my feelings.
During this time, the whole world seems like a cage where I feel trapped. As if some higher being is mocking at my helplessness and enjoying just as ancient Rome watched gladiators with the lions. Nothing at all seems worth doing and even the most basic effort seems to require a lot of effort. I feel as if by putting in effort, I am submitting to the demands of that higher being who initially put me in this wretched world. A sense of hopelessness and despair grips your mind and torrents of negative thoughts keep racing, thus putting immense pressure on your productivity.
As zionxin put it rightly, the more you think about it, the more you realize that there is no reason for your despair and this floods your mind with a guilty feeling, depressing you further. Your motivation dries up completely since you do not feel life is worth living ayway. Once this happens, even the most basic tasks appear to require a lot of effort. You always feel drained out and tired.
Suicidal thoughts cross your mind and if this appears extreme, sleep seems to be the only escape route. You just wish that the next morning never arrives. When it does arrive, you feel as if you have once again been thrown into the arena with the lions and just keep waiting for the day to end. You withdraw from friends and seem more comfortable being alone in a dark room with a blanket over your head. Your mind constantly reminds you that life is a punishment and that you would be cooperating with the punisher if you carry on existing. Every recreational activity seems to be like a lolliop held in front of a child, a ruse to make you forget the truth that life is actually a punishment.
Although you long to be happy once again, paradoxically you also feel a sense of security in your depressed state because you start feeling that you alone seem to have realized the true dark and ugly face of life while others still are somehow masked and oblivious to the reality.
As a solution, I have tried jotting down my thoughts and opinion of life during my normal days and then use them when depression strikes again to convince myself of the brighter side. This doesn’t seem to really work. I only end up convincing myself that I was somehow deluded or blind to the reality (like everyone else) when I wrote those positive thoughts.
Comment by Ashu — 4/29/2004 @ 2:54 pm
i am depressing for many years, i am profoundly deaf. i cant feel any excting or push any intesting as i am most dont want any thing, i am narrow mind not freedom. please help me, i am not condifence.
help me pls
Comment by neelam Mistry — 4/30/2004 @ 5:27 pm
I’m 25, have a physical disability, have never had a girlfroend, and have suffered from major depression for at least the last 10 years; probably longer if I really thought about it. to me, it feels like someone is constantly punching me in the stomach. There is such a feeling of emptiness amd lonliness that it’s absolutely sickening. I can be in a room full of people who I know full-well love me, and feel totally alone. It creates such a hollow empty feeling that the only release comes when I cry myself to sleep due to exhaustion. I want to throw up every time I look in the mirror, there aren’t words to describe how much I hate myself.
I feel guilty because my family and friends are all supportive, but it never seems to be enough. I’m so tired of pretending that I’m happy and that everything is ok. I don’t even want to know where I’ll be a year from now, hopefully dead, but I’m too scared to try to kill myself. I literally feel like I’ll never be good enough to be loved, and that scares me. I’ve pushed away people i care about because of an intense fear of rejection and even the few times I’ve tried to have relationships, they haven’t worked because I can’t trust the other person enough to believe that they actually want to be with me, and aren’t doing it out of pitty, or because they “feel bad for me”.
Depression has ruined so many aspects of my life, I have no idea why I’m even still here, it’s the most intense pain I have ever felt in my life….I can’t describe it, it hurts so bad.
Comment by bob — 5/1/2004 @ 10:48 pm
It feels like a large weight on you shouldrs and in your heart, everything and nothing makes me cry. I feel separated fom those I love and care about. I don’t want to live my life like this. I don’t want to live my life at all.
Comment by Mark — 5/2/2004 @ 12:22 pm
Just a few thoughts,
Do you ever get up (from your seat) and go to do something.. and realise you have no idea what it was you intended to go and do… ?
What does that make you feel like?
Constantly feeling like you need to do “something” lingers in the back of your mind. It’s indiscriminate. Very soon I will have forgotten what that “something” is. But forgetting doesn’t remove the feeling that’s left in its place. The feeling becomes constant background hiss. This hiss is wearing me down.
When can I stop? I wait for a time when I can rest.
Hope turns to frustration turns to hate turns to despair. Don’t we all love despair.
Hoping one day I will wake up. Will I recognise when I have woken up? Is THIS being awake?
Trying not to judge from external points of view. Hate works in spirals. If you hate yourself that means one part of yourself must recognise what is good and actually itself be good. I think I’m the worst person in the world. But to think like that means that I am actually the opposite.
Knowing I have something to do in the future keeps me from going to bed. Stops me resting and sabotages my daylight efforts time and time again. What can I do? Reduce everything that I need to do in the future? Is that a way of living? Or is that a way of avoiding living? Time vanishes when you’re avoiding it. I wish I could stop time.
Anxiety that things will always remain like this forever, is tiring. Everything is tiring.
Can we rest now?
Comment by Dan — 5/2/2004 @ 3:46 pm
The following is a journal entry I’d written when in the depths of depression, as I so often am:
The depression is here again. It feels so familar, yet so foreign. I know that God didn’t intend for people to have this. Or does he? It’s scary. I want to cut myself right now to feel something. To feel physical pain and not the pain in my head and my heart. Hope is fleeing and death is looking like an answer. An escape and an end to this vicious cycle. I keep thinking that maybe it’s gone for good, but it always seems to return unexpectedly and stealthily. It is death which creeps into my mind and grabs a hold of me. I am a prisoner in my own mind and body. I am not the only one, but I am alone because I feel alone. It has found me again. I thought I had everything under control. I guess I was wrong. It me, death is dwelling, waiting to consume me from the inside out. A final resting place for me, away from the hurt and sadness, and nothingness and numbness. A cut to feel pain which needs to exist. A horrible reality to live this way. Not knowing if tomorrow will bring hope or maybe thoughts of death. No guarantee. No certainty. No ability or control of brain chemistry or genetics. My fault or my creator’s? No answers. False hope. Short-lived hope. Glimpses of hope. Never seeing enough in the distance. ECT. Medication. Words of kindness. Prayer. Family. Friends. Love. Nothing sustains me, nothing comforts me. Nothing. Nothingness in me. I am nothing and should not be. Death is not my foe, but like a friend. A hero to rescue me from this world full or cruelty and misunderstanding. I cannot feel its warmth because the depression consumes me and fills me with cold and numbness. A loss of feeling and excitement for life. No reason to continue on. Feels heavy, like a cross. I am not Jesus. I am so far from him and his kind heart.
Comment by Michelle — 5/2/2004 @ 10:38 pm
The following is a journal entry when I was in the depths of depression, as I so often am:
The depression is here again. It feel so familar, yet so foreign. I know that God didn’t intend for people to have this. Or does he? It’s scary. I want to cut myself right now to feel something. To feel physical pain, and not the pain in my head and my heart. Hope is fleeing, and death is looking like an answer. An escape and an end to this vicious cycle. I keep thinking that maybe it’s gone for good, but it always seems to return unexpectedly and stealthily. It is death which creeps into my mind and grabs hold of me. I am a prisoner in my own mind and body. I am not the only one, but I am alone, because I feel alone. It has found me again. I thought I had everything under control. I guess I was wrong. In me, death is dwelling, waiting to consume me from the inside out. A final resting place for me, away from the hurt and sadness, nothingness and numbness. A cut to feel pain which needs to exist. A horrible reality to live this way. Not knowing if tomorrow will bring hope or maybe thoughts of death. No guarantee. No certainty. No ability or control of brain chemistry or genetics. My fault or my creator’s? No answers. False hope. Short-lived hope. Glimpses of hope. Never seeing enough in the distance. ECT. Medication. Words of kindness. Prayer. Family. Friends. Love. Nothing sustains me. Comfort. Nothing. Nothingness in me. I am nothing and should not be. Death is not my foe, but like a friend. A hero to rescue me from this world full of cruelty and misunderstanding. I cannot feel its warth because the depression consumes me and fills me with cold and numbness. A loss of feeling and excitement for life. No reason to continue on. Feels heavy like a cross. I am not Jesus. I am so far from him and his kind heart.
Comment by Michelle — 5/2/2004 @ 10:50 pm
Depression is having all your emotional boundaries closing in on you, but your too tired to do anything about it. I take Prozac now, but i enjoy going off of it sometimes when i need artistic inspiration. Sensitivity towards feelings increase, its hard to concentrate, but being alone in my head can clear my vision. The outlook on life is terrible, suicide tendencies, ODs, whatever to make it feel better. I thought it was just like ADD at first when my highschool grades were going down, but the paranoia, pain and not being able to talk to others made it apparent what had happened. Even a fake smile is impossible to show. I kept feeling as though i was going to break out of the painfull shell, but it never happened so i chose to take a pill, now i can fake smile anytime i want. E-mail me if you know about anti-depressants
Comment by Dustin — 5/3/2004 @ 12:12 am
Depression comes on like waves in the ocean. Each wave dragging me deeper and deeper into despair. Everything can appear to be going well in my life, then this overwhelming boredom comes across me. After a day or so, I am irritated just by someone else coming into my room. Talking to others, I have to put on another face and don’t want anyone close to me. I never feel like anyone sees the real me. When I get home, I just go to bed and watch television, or rather the television is on, but I don’t know what’s going on. If someone comes into my room, I am completely irritated. And the tears keep flowing.
Sleep isn’t an escape. My mind drifts to every failure or misstake I’ve made in my life.
I always feel alone. And just when I get back on top for a week or so, here depression comes again and brings me back down.
Comment by Nece — 5/3/2004 @ 10:15 pm
It’s like half-drowned – I’m too weak to pull myself out of the water to breath, but I’ve enough to not be dead yet.
Comment by Jen, 20 — 5/7/2004 @ 1:30 pm
In the last year of my life, I’ve watched close many friends dissapear or become distant. People I work with and go to college with think I’m a really happy, confident, “sorted” kind of person. They’re so wrong, I wish I could show them what I really feel like, but then again, many of my relationships are built on lies and deceipt. And I hate myself so much because of that. A year or so ago, I was always happy – I used to look on people with depression as weak minded, pathetic, incompetents. And now here am I, writing to a website because there’s nobody else to talk to. I feel so distanced from the world. I’m 19, have a place at a top university next year, any ‘normal’ person would think I’d be raring to go, spirited, happy…. But I’m far from that. Even my closest friend I can’t tell absolutely everything to. And it frustrates me so much, the constant dispair and anxiety, that I simply can’t get rid of. I want to go and seek help, but I’m too scared that my family would find out.
Having read most of the comments on this page, I empathise with so much of what is said – particularly what Farren said about punching the bedsheet- I have reccuring dreams about somthing very similar to this. My life is in a real mess, theres so so many problems that nobody in my life is aware of, but if you met me in the street, you’d think completely the opposite – my family have absolutely no idea that I have any problems whatsoever. I’m ashamed, I sicken myself, I feel as though it’s all my fault, I’ve not got the balls to do anything about it because I think the roots of the problems are way way too deep.
I hope I can be “normal” again, but at the moment I see no light.
I feel for you all.
Comment by John — 5/8/2004 @ 7:39 am
Its a big black hole, eating me up inside. The days seem to run together, the nights never end. My thoughts never seem to make sense, and my actions never seem to happen. I walk. I cry. I write. I HURT!!! 30 plus years of feeling this, no one to turn to. A failure. A looser. Someday I hope all these feelings will go away.
Comment by Scott — 5/8/2004 @ 7:47 pm
Depression is a hole you try to dig yuor way out of.
For those who have not been depressed, it sorta feels like being really really hungry. The deeper the depression, the longer the hunger, the worse to symptoms. Starve yourself for a few days… you will start to forget what you are doing, have a hard time concentrating, have a hard time listening when others are talking. You will liely become very irritatble, and of course be very low on energy.
You will also feel strangely clear headed at intervals during your fast, and you may become very imaginative or creatively inspired when very hungry or sleep deprived – depression causes this for many people too.
Now, if you haven’t eaten in a while, its best to start slow – if you eat too much too quickly on an empty stomach, you get sick. Similarily, if you are happy suddnely in the middle of a depression, it is disturbing and you almost want to get bakc to the depression. If you go too long without eating or being depressed, you will probably die.
most people don’t need a doctor to them they are hungry, and most people who have depression figure this out before being diagnosed.
I think there is a world or difference between people who have been depressed once in their life and those who hardly ever been ‘un-depressed’. Those who have only been depressed for say ‘when I was in college’ can relate to those with more constant depression, but ten to be far more likely to believe that help is possible, and are probbaly more likely to respond to treatment.
Using the hunger analogy, this is the difference between someone who has been starving exactly once (which is very serious) and someone who has been malnurished or starving most of their life.
People who have been down for a few days once in a while have been ‘hungry’, but not ’starving’. Depression feels like starving, not just hungry. It is not self-indulgent to think of nothing but your stomach and food when starving, though maybe ineffective. It is only natural to think about your problems/depression all the time when depressed.
Comment by Kimber Muldoon — 5/10/2004 @ 4:55 am
John, those of us affected by depression understand exactly how you feel. I have a good career, a wonderful boyfriend, a lovely house and home, with friends who care about me, but it doesn’t stop depression hitting you hard.
I have to admit I didn’t realise how much people cared until I forced myself to go for help. After going to my GP, who was amazing, she urged me to tell at least my partner. I did,(through email though – i found it easier to find the words) and it felt like an enormous weight had been lifted.
I feel like Nece says, every day is a struggle, just my partner coming home can send me off into a terrible mood. I bite his head off, I am critical, I am a monster to be around. Sleep was (and is) always difficult, I cry for no reason and I can’t rationalise any of it. Why for pity’s sake am I crying when life should be good? Why am not coping? This board helped me realise though that I am not alone, and that it isn’t “me”, but the illness. That reaslisation was the first step in me getting help, so thank you to all who have posted here previously.
I can’t say that there is a miracle cure – there isn’t but I’ve taken the first steps in getting better – I have taken time off work and have acknowledged the problem. It’s a struggle, and even worse when I see people but at least now I can drop the pretence … I have since told my parents, some close friends, and my boss at work.
Please don’t struggle on alone. The waves washing over you can seem so all-consuming, but believe me friends and family knowing, and being there to support, can act like that all important float. I too was keeping up the act in front of all and sundry, and it was only my partner who saw the extent of my illness. Sometimes admitting that we are only human is the hardest thing to do , but sometimes also the most important.
Comment by Sal — 5/10/2004 @ 1:22 pm
I don’t know what depression feels like. I only know how I feel and that I have been diagnosed with major depression. I have no energy, no motivation, no passion, no cares, nothing to live for. I feel hopeless. There are too many things wrong for me to fix. Actually, some things cannot be fixed. Suicide is my best hope. I think of it every day. I have nobody to count on for help. I don’t want anybody to count on for help. I want nothing to do with my family and I have no real friends, nor do I want any.
Comment by Scotto — 5/10/2004 @ 9:49 pm
Depression is where all the good in me has gone to die. Depression is marketable in Hollywood and at a drugstore near you. Depression made it impossible for me to know anyone or be known by anyone ,in a world where real communication is already considered a miracle. It is said that in the beginning god created light, and although I am sure that big bright star of the day has it’s undeniable purposes, my existence has none. you can not cry depression away, cause you’ll never run out of tears. You can’t laugh it away cause thats even sadder than crying. In the beginning god said … wait , if god said let there be light… then there had to be darkness to bring light to in the first place. So in the beginning, there was darkness.Depression has returned me to this darkness and held me there captive, away from God and away from the light. I could die now and there will be no difference. I could live and there will be no difference.
Comment by luvvirgin — 5/12/2004 @ 4:59 pm
Depression is the worst. It feels like everything is just crowding around you. im a personal trainer but at the moment i dont even feel like exercising myself let alone help other people. it’s too hard to go and speak to my family. Their view is ” just snap out of it ”
i haven’t cryed so much in the past 5-6 months than in my whole life. i often have thoughts of suicide cause its the easy way out. i think and think and think about the negatives in my life. i thought i was alone but after thourough research i learned im not. anyone who thinks they are trust me… get help and get it sooner rather than later.
Comment by nick — 5/13/2004 @ 12:43 am
John Donne (1572-1631), from Devotions Upon Emergent Occasions, Meditation XVII.
“All mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated…As therefore the bell that rings to a sermon, calls not upon the preacher only, but upon the congregation to come: so this bell calls us all: but how much more me, who am brought so near the door by this sickness….No man is an island, entire of itself…any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.”
Comment by luvvirgin — 5/13/2004 @ 1:12 am
Depression feels like you’re in a dark house looking out the window into a world filled with darkness. There is no light only hopelessness, sorrow, anger (because you can’t get passed it) and pity. No matter what I tried I couldn’t move passed the depression. I fell farther and farther into hell and the rope to pull me out got shorter and shorter. But eventually I reached that rope and I pulled myself to happiness. It was the hardest thing I had ever or will ever go through. My sympathies go out to all those that still haven’t reached their rope. It will come when you’re ready. Good luck and don’t give up! And I can say from personal experience that suicide is NOT the answer. It is the most selfish act one can commit. And no matter what today is like, tomorrow can be different, it can be better.
Comment by Heather — 5/13/2004 @ 4:16 pm
i don’t take any medication or anything, in fact i’ve never been diagnosed. however, i am fairly certain that i know that depresswion feels like. my skin crawls as the first wave hits. it’s like an argument about whether or not i am a worth-while human takes place in my head. initially, there is one voice attempting to justify my existence and one voice arguing just the opposite. but quickly, scores of voices come from the recesses of my brain, shouting everything i have ever failed at or not liked about myself (which is quite a lot). they gang up against the one solitary voice arguing my case, and it doesn’t take long at all for the voice to be drowned out completely. the next step after that is an overpowering urge to kill myself. i can’t tell you how many times this has played out in my mind, and yet i haven’t once attempted suicide. because the next step in the process is to think of my parents; their unconditional love and all they done for me over the years. this brings me to the final stage: wishing with all my being that i had never been concieved. so their i am, wretched weakling sitting in the dark, unable to do anything to end the way i feel; reduced to wishing on a star for a god i don’t even believe exists to change time so that i will never be born.
Comment by Joe — 5/13/2004 @ 6:59 pm
In response to Heather, suicide is not something a person chooses, it happens when pain exceeds the resources for coping with pain. I’ve suffered terribly for 10 years with clinical depression and if i ever ended my life i certainly wouldn’t be selfish, i’d feel guilty about hurting the people i know, but i would commit because i can’t cope with life anymore. I already can’t but i’m trying to make sure i get better, which isn’t easy when i’ve been trying for over 6 years and still haven’t found an answer to this brain disorder.
Comment by Gunner — 5/15/2004 @ 11:46 am
Depression is ongoing, never ending, feeling bad. Itis wanting to die; having the reasons you want to live get fewer and fewer; not having anything in your life that matters; not caring about anyone; and knowing that these feeling will never change because you have had them for most or all of your life. The only relief you have ever known is when you were able to bury them…but they never stay buried, and each time they come back there are more, they are more intense, and they last longer. Depression is not wanting to seek help because you already have tried every resource you think of including self help. positive motivational stuff, religion, friends, family, four different antidepressants, and therapy, with no relief. Depression sucks.
Comment by Linda — 5/16/2004 @ 4:50 pm
I know what depression feels like cuz I wen’t through it. It feels like you don’t belong. Everything goes wrong. It feels like you are accomplishing nothing! It feels horrible!
Comment by Jess — 5/16/2004 @ 5:35 pm
I’ve reached the conclusion that my depression is a mild case so I can’t even begin to imagine what most of you are going through. I’ve got a great job, but lately, I’ve found it hard to enjoy it. I just go through the motions and can’t give it everything I have. I’m always looking at the darker side of things. It’s like a haze is hanging around me, preventing me from seeing truth. I keep feeling that my future is bleak and the easiest thing would be to end it all. That thought keeps wandering through my mind. I know that I’m in a great position in life. One that many people would kill to get. But at the same time, I just feel sorry for myself that I can’t enjoy it. I always thought life would be a better place to live, but for the last few years it doesn’t seem that way.
Comment by Gregor — 5/17/2004 @ 6:57 am
At 18, Ive had depression for most of my life. I was taken to a psychatric hosipital due to a suicide attempt. That just added to feeling of being Trapped, but I decided that there are people out there who care enough to see that I live and I wanted to try to live again. But now I realize I have become too heavy of a burden to those who once said they wouldnt let me drown. Now the pain is alot worse and I want to relive myself and others of my pain. Depression for me is knowing that I have to do something to move. I have to put some effort. But I cant. I cant move. So I get angry with myself and the cycle continues. Depression is feeling yourself die very slowly and painfully and wanting to rid yourself of that pain with a sudden action. My fear is that when I do have enough strength to do something, to finally move, That something will be a shot to the head. Life sucks and I feel I have earned this perspective through so much analyzation of the world and myself. I feel I deserve to die. It is my right to choice whether I live or die, It is my right to end this Cancer that haunts my soul to where I dont even sleep anymore. Im drowning and even those few who havent given up on me, cant help me anymore.
Comment by Eli — 5/18/2004 @ 3:05 am
I struggle with chronic depression, Post Trauma Stress Disorder(PTSD), and Post Concussion Syndrome. There is so very little I feel good about. I feel as if I have cement blocks fastened to my entire being. I recognize what I need to do, but simply can’t do it. I am virtually homeless, separated from my wife, have no money. When I’m ‘well’, I’m dynamic, quick witted, productive. Haven’t been that way in 2 years, the post concussion syndrome has complicated and worsened the depression and PTSD.
I see my life sliding away, I know I need to do something but I don’t have the energy, motivation, or resources. I suffer severe PCS headaches daily. I feel as if i’m free falling into a black abyss. Suicide thoughts are prevalent but I’m not going that route. I profess to follow the teachings of Jesus Christ, used to be a dynamic teacher of His word. My faith and prayers seem empty and the anguish I feel over my contradictory behavior and thoughts consumes me. I feel like I’m in prison, waiting to die.
Comment by Cazman — 5/19/2004 @ 1:37 pm
Living with depression is being a non-swimmer forever trapped in cold, dark water, unable to swim to shore. You’re so far from everybody else- all they are is a light in the distance, unreachable. You’ll never make your way back. Your instinct to live is what keeps you kicking and struggling, but you’re so so tired. You have to make a decision- do I let go and experience the pain of immediate death? Or do I keep on going in the hope that I will someday stumble to shore?
I have felt this way for most of my life, I can’t imagine life being any different. So, depression is also feeling so hopeless that you don’t even wish for life to get better. You know in your gut that to live is be in pain… so why live?
Comment by Samm — 5/20/2004 @ 3:42 am
I am about to go to my doctors because before I came on to the internet to do some research I believed that I was suffering from depression for the last 8 years of my life.Now that I have done the research and looked at different peoples symptoms of the illness I am certain that I am depressed.
I feel competely lifeless and that i’m living my life in slow motion.I am saddened that I am young and supposed to be enjoying myself but I can’t motivate myself to do anything, I feel cheated.Sometimes I wake up in the morning (sometimes really late because I can’t get to sleep early)and I have no excitement for the day ahead. I go to uni where I’m failing miserably because I can’t concentrate and I can’t motivate myself, if it’s a weekend i’ll just watch TV all day because I don’t have a circle of friends.I have 2 very good friends who i’ve known since I was 6 but I dont’ even see them anymore, I feel totally isolated.I can’t have any converstaion with my family because I get really irritated by them and then I get really annoyed with myself because they love me and I know i’m being vile and argumentative.I posess absolutely no self esteem. I feel deeply unattractive i’ve always been freakishly skinny and ugly.I’ve never had a girlfriend and don’t think I ever will, this traumatizes me because I feel like a complete loser.I can’t initiate any form of relationship because of crippling shyness and a stifling fear of rejection.I have suicidal thoughts everyday.I think about how i’d do it,what song i’d have on in the background,my suicide note and my funeral.I have no hope for the future and no joy for life.The brief random moments of happiness I do get I feel what Ashu said,I feel phoney and have to get back to the ‘reality’ of my depression. My constant analysis of the world is driving me insane!Sometimes I long to be addicted to some kind of vice like drugs or alcohol so I can experience brief,instantaneous moments of relief.
I have suffered grief in my life.Deaths of my father,two grandmothers and a grandfather in the past 7 years have’nt helped matters but I know it runs deeper than that, I know they are not the ONLY causes for my depression.I feel weighed down and I don’t know why,I feel like a failure of a human being,I feel like my one and only life is being wasted,I feel useless,lethargic and powerless.
I can’t see a future.
Comment by Kieran — 5/21/2004 @ 4:18 pm
Today I woke up crying again, blackness all around despite the sun shining through the blinds. I couldn’t make myself get up, what point is there? All i do is sit and stare all day (or cry and then stare some more). Life carries on all around me … always around, never involving me. TV is on – i never hear it though. My brain cant make sense of the sounds it hears any more – as if it has lost all idea of communication. I don’t talk to people, when I try, I just break down into sobbing tears. The rest of the time I just dont bother, no-onelistens anyway. I am alone, isolated, on my lonely capsule – my couch.
The curtain of despair is enveloping me again. I have brief moments when I can see a way through but they are never there for long enough for me to grasp them and hold onto them. This just makes me more irritable. I, like others, got help when my partner issued an ulitmatum but I am still struggling. It feels like the tables have just turned. Before I was keeping up appearances to get through work and in front of others, and not to my partner. Now I pretend to my partner and not to them. I don’t go to work. I DO very little. Even cleansing the dishes seems enormous, typing tires me too. I get panick attacks when I go out on my own, and I shake and twitch when I sit. Where has my independent, life loving self gone? When will this torture end?
My memory is shot, my heart is heavy, I get no pleasure from anything. Is it really worth it, if this is all there is? I got help because I thought there was more … weeks on and now Im not so sure. Years ago I thought there was. I used to be happy – I used to be the life and soul of the party. I used to yearn to learn, and get out there and just DO things. How can I have altered so radically? People say it’s just the illness taking over and it will pass … but when????
Comment by Anon F — 5/22/2004 @ 9:25 am
Depresssion feels like quick sand the harder you try to get out the faster you get pulled in. It seems like theres no why out but deepper, untill someone finds you but still it takes even longer to get out cause they don’t know what your feeling they just make it worse. If only they realy know what it was like, not by just sayin it, but realy felt it. I guess some people are just better off then others.
Comment by Heather L — 5/22/2004 @ 10:19 am
I am posting for the second time. I did mention in my last post that it is difficult to express the complex mesh of thoughts that one experiences during a depressed period.
One thought which always plagues me is an intense and unbridled nostalgia for the past. The feeling that the past has always been better than the current is something that slowly gnaws its way into the psyche. Every passing day seems to be worse than the previous. There is a longing for the past and since that is not achievable, you always sulk and feel weighed down. The future doesn’t seem bright because you have always perceived that the past has been brighter. There is nothing you look forward to because you keep looking back to the past.
Comment by Ashu — 5/22/2004 @ 12:18 pm
My depression feels like I have become a little old lady who can only watch life from the sidelines because she is to fragile and frail to participate anymore. I am broken. I’m boring. Other people look at me and feel sorry for me because they have no idea what depression feels like for me. That’s part of the problem. Our experiences are all different, so we can sympathize but not empathize and those who are “whole” don’t have a clue. I feel stupid. I feel like a zombie from “Night of the Living Dead” except I don’t have the energy to wander around with my arms straight in front of me.
Comment by Action — 5/22/2004 @ 9:34 pm
Depression feels like you’re watching your life on TV (all reruns), incapable of affecting anything around you. Wanting to change the channel, but the remote is dead and you can’t find the energy to get up and change it manually or to go out and buy batteries. So on the couch you sit, watching everything go by, losing your grip on reality and on your sense of self. You feel like a shell of a person wondering if you’ll ever be able to get yourself back again, but not caring enough to bother seeking help. Shocked back to reality by a ringing phone, you check the caller ID (the depressed person’s greatest enabler). It’s a dear friend. You let it go to voicemail – you’ll call them back later. Then you feel guilty for not answering the phone, so you can’t bring yourself to call them back. They call again, they e-mail, they’re worried. Now you feel guilty for worrying them. Can’t call them back. Apologizing is too hard and explaining your state of mind would be admitting you have a problem that you haven’t sought refuge from. So while you think about this and let the guilt eat at you with each passing moment that you don’t return the phone call, another friend calls and the cycle begins again. It’s too much, you can’t deal with it so you guess you’ll just watch your life go by on this TV channel that you can’t change. Maybe you’ll get off the couch tomorrow.
Comment by Courtney — 5/22/2004 @ 9:49 pm
I feel like Depression has made life too complicated and difficult for me. I look at everyone around me and wish I had it as easy as them. Every aspect of my life requires so much effort that I rarely have fun. I have to force myself to go through basic routines, it’s like pulling teeth for me to go to a social gathering, people irritate me, I never feel good about myself and it seems as if life in general is just a chore. I have had depression since I was 10 or 11 and every day that passes, I wonder how I’ve managed to live for the last 15 years. It’s like I have a stone gargoyle sitting on my chest that just squeezes the soul out of me.
Comment by JB — 5/24/2004 @ 11:01 am
I guess, for me it varies in the severity of emotions from day to day but all i can say is that i would be perfectly happy to just sit on a chair for 24hrs without moving, and just think and think and ponder some more. but not happy thoughts like o.k. i need to finish this so i can go out to a party, but more, what’s the point, who cares (i certainly don’t). it’s like a see-saw: for a split-second per day i do look forward to the summer and make plans, but they all get shattered, replaced by a ‘well why? why should i do anything?’ yet i can’t afford to just wellow in my misery, i’ve got exams to sit.
i feel like time is moving on without me, or that i just can’t keep up with the present- i’m still ‘living’ in the past. i actually have a delayed reaction to everything, and always think we’re still in March, but we’re not.
also, i broke up with my friends cos they wanted too much from me and i felt like i had no control over anyone, so this was a way to get it, i just wanted a break and some time alone- and now things have got way out of proportion, i’ve made myself some ennemies!
ah well, it feels so nice to be free of all responsibilities and commitments.
i have this feeling that’s difficult to swallow (literally-there’s sth stuck at the back of my throat, an obstruction of somesort- guilt/anger/shame.)
The power of the mind is amazing, to be able to lead me down such complex dark emotions i never knew existed. but it’s not just mentally destroying- it’s physically life + soul-sucking as well.
Comment by Natalie — 5/26/2004 @ 4:47 am
Depression is like an enormous black cloud that swallows you whole. It’s in this blackness you learn what it is to be your own worst enemy. It’s living the life of a statue – unable to act, speak, think. It’s a giant, invisible demon sitting on you – slowly crushing you into nothingness. And there’s pain, but it isn’t sharp. It’s a dull, muffled kind that works it’s way all over your body, into every pore. Kind of clouds everything, numbs you. Till you wake up and realize there is no reason to move, save to relieve your swelled bladder or intense hunger pang. And when you leave your hiding place and have to face the world – you can’t help but feel everyone is mocking you with their zeal and enthusiasm for life that you cannot match.
The worst of it comes when it eats away at your emotions and you’re left an apathetic blob. You lack passion for everything you once were passionate for. Nothing matters.
I am currently digging myself out of “the hole”. My depression comes in waves – active in winter and spring, and gleefully dormant in summer and fall. My experience of these sessions reminds me of long tunnels. You unknowingly enter a tunnel – you’re in deep before you realize you’re in. It’s totally dark. You can’t simply WAKE UP! You walk and walk and walk. You keep on walking, steadily losing justification for doing so. You see a light. It’s way off. Really, really distant. You keep on walking and walking and walking all the while the distance travelled beating you down to nothing. You suddently realize you can’t remember ever not walking in this tunnel, and you can’t see the future being any different. You walk and walk….
Then one day you find yourself in pure daylight. Everything tastes! Everything feels, breathes, lives! You’ve found your life. You slowly forget the tunnel – you’re full of hope.
This is why it’s worth fighting. I try and think about this as often as I can. One day I hope to learn how to avoid these tunnels.
Comment by Phil — 5/26/2004 @ 6:23 pm
Its like a blackness following me, its always behind me even on my best days, i feel its vagueness. At first it hit and i was scared to death, i felt as if i was running from something, the blackness behind me i guess. I had been loosing interest in everything previously in the past year, snappy, mean sometimes, hard to smile, hard to hear what others were saying, then i began looking in the mirror, and it was like it wasnt really me, then it started with me looking at others and feeling that way. I just started frieking out and crying and getting mad then afraid, and i felt like i was receeding. Thats when the darkness hit me one weekend out with my husband. It got so bad i couldnt eat sleep, or feel anything but fear and dread, and thinking about death, obsessing, dark thoughts,which was something i had been doing in preceeding months. Scared to live, scared to die. does that make sense? i dont know.
I ended up in er finally a week after the darkness hit, and i was put on lexipro and ativan. It actually helped me some, its been 5 weeks. I still have the feeling the darkness is just waiting behind me to jump on me and suck me in. But i have to say its improving some at least im more functional, and i want to improve.
Ive had this on and off since i was 13, and it takes different forms, this being the worst, and i am in my 40’s. Its like a disease that comes and goes possesing me as it feels like it, always ready to strike and posses me.
Comment by Deb — 5/27/2004 @ 12:42 am
Depression is when you get left behind.
Omitted. Forgotten.
It’s like you can see from behind a one-way glass wall day to day life running smoothly around you except you’re not included. you can’t take part cos you’re stuck in a different time-zone.
I feel cheated of my time which has been stolen from me by this disease. It’s not fair- to put it childishly- the last months of my life just flew past without me. I wasn’t invovled. I feel so insignificant- how can the world carry on revolving normally without me, whilst I’m just sitting there lifeless? And the angrier i get about it, the deeper DOWN i sink once more. The cycle recommences.
But then i comfort myself- by thinking, well, there’s nothing out there that i missed or would want to be a part of anyway. there once used to be, but now things have changed.
And every second that passes tilts the scales EVEN more towards the Past which i long to relive. I want a chance to live it just like it should have been. Cos everyone has the right to be happy, and mine got taken away. I refuse to move on and give the future a go until i am somehow or other allowed to turn back time + change and fix the past.
This is the first time i’ve been depressed, and so i have to admit i didn’t know much about this disorder 6 months ago.
At first, i didn’t like being alone, i wanted someone to help me, i craved support and advice, i confided in a lot of people. i feel slightly let down actually. i told my innermost secret to some people in the hope they would give me the answer, and where are they now? Never again. Yet now i am perfectly happy to just be left undisturbed and not prodged by people. no-one would stand my ‘company’ (would you want a depressed moaney inanimate lump as a friend?). only i can deal with myself, and that’s the way it’s gonna be from now on.
You know what, i give up trying. i tried and failed? why should i do it again? what’s the point of trying to retrieve a life like the one you once had if you now know there’s always the possibility it will just be snatched off you.
Comment by NAT, 18 — 5/27/2004 @ 9:43 am
All my life, even my childhood memories are clouded. No sunshine. When it hits, just want to die, but that’s no answer. Can’t get help, could cost too much. Feels like nothing. I hope you all can find some help. I am near half century, and don’t know where to start, go, or just give up.
Comment by Jimbo — 5/27/2004 @ 11:31 pm
Not much sleep last night. Tired of taking pills to sleep. I don’t look forward to nights, because I can’t sleep. I don’t look forward to days, because they are a waste. 2 years ago, tried to pass out and not wake up. Pills and alcohol. 50% successful. don’t want ot live, don’t want to die. No place in between. Hell on earth.
Comment by Jimbo — 5/28/2004 @ 7:07 am
I feel like there is a heavy weight on my shoulders. It’s not as bad as it used to be but it pushes down hard quite often and I cannot seem to overcome completely. Although I know killing myself is not a sensible option, I still seem to find some relief in knowing the option is always there.
Comment by Kristen — 5/30/2004 @ 4:33 am
its like an addiction
you cant control it ….and the more ppl tell you you need help the worst it gets.
it get so bad i cant eat and i cant sleep and i dont feel like doing anything cause i feel like im going to screw something up
Comment by aimee — 6/1/2004 @ 10:02 am
it feels hopeless, it feels fake. Pretending to smile to let everyone think you are ok then when you get home you scream at the mirror and cry and cry. A constant tension inside…like theres something inside of you that won’t leave. It’s a battle. One side of you desperately wants to die but the other side just wants the pain to stop. some moments you feel fine…you feel confident, happy etc then the next…slicing your wrists seems like the only way to try to solve the depression.
Comment by evanescence — 6/2/2004 @ 5:41 am
Depression affects me in the following ways:
I feel blank, empty and hollow.
I can’t deal with anything out of the ordinary.
Noises seem too loud.
People seem pushy and rude, or cold and rejecting.
Even the easiest task seems insurmountable and stressful.
I feel like crying most of the time, although tears only flow when I have really ‘cracked’.
I am snappish and irritable.
There seems to be too much going on around me – too much stimulus, too much activity, too much everything.
I feel drained by being around people and neglected when I am alone.
All I really want is “to be left alone” so that I can “unwind”… but when I am alone, I feel just as bad.
Nothing interests me – not even things I used to be madly enthusiastic about.
Nothing holds my attentiion.
Nothing seems worth the energy.
Nothing helps.
Nothing is right.
Sometimes getting out of bed and brushing my teeth is too much to deal with.
I can’t speak or think properly. I can’t think of the word that comes next in the sentence that I am speaking even though I knew it a moment ago. I forget my train of thought. I say one word and mean another.
I walk and talk and smile… but it all feels false. I can’t believe that others can’t see past the “smiley mask” to the pain that I am experiencing.
Sometimes I can’t make myself go out the door or answer the phone.
It seems like the pain and the emptiness will never go away.
Comment by Melanie — 6/2/2004 @ 8:02 am
JENN S. SAID
It always hurts inside always that heavy feeling like someone is presing on my heart.
Even with the meds it’s always there.
I’ve been hospitalized 4 times now.
It never helps.
I’ve failed college twice now 2 strait semesters.
Something always goes wrong.
I can’t remember eanything good about my life. Except marrying my husband.
But even he’s anxious to get rid of me.
Send me back to my parents so they can “take care of me”
I keep hurting and stressing.
I know nothing i do is ever good enough. Everytime i get in my car i wanna run it of the road doing 90.
Everyone would be better off with out me.
No more worrying.
No more taking care of me.
No more stupid little 20 year old girl that’s just confused.
No more pain, worry, nothing.
Just strait nothing.
I wonder if this will ever stop.
I don’t wanna hurt or cry or fail anymore.
I just wanna be either dead or normal.
Comment by Jenn S. — 6/3/2004 @ 12:00 am
I haven’t been diagnosed but I feel as if I’m a failure in whatever I do as everybody has such high expectations of me. I can’t show any signs of weakness because if I do I will be seen to be weak or attention-seeking. I am failing at uni because I have no hope, no motivation and no energy. I can’t see the point of doing it as my life is worthless and the world would be better off without me. I think a lot about how I would kill myself and the effect it would have on my family. I don’t have any friends. People don’t really understand me – I know this sounds like a cliche but it’s true and I can’t find another way of putting it. I feel as if I can’t breathe because of the dead-weight inside me. I need to talk to somebody but I don’t have anybody to turn to. My partner is in the forces and soon has to go away. He’s very matter-of-fact and gets frustrated because he finds me hard to understand. I have exams in less than a week but all I can think about is ending it all. I don’t want to be here anymore. The world passes by and I remain unnoticed by everybody. I am not worth looking at or thinking about. I can’t cope.
Comment by katherine — 6/3/2004 @ 10:48 am
It’s an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. Everything is harsh. It’s worse than walking on eggshells, it’s walking on broken, jagged pieces of glass. Nothing feels right.
Comment by Elizabeth — 6/3/2004 @ 6:18 pm
Katherine was the second comment I read on this web page and noticed that she had posted today. As I am reading this I can relate to you. I am also at a university and I have finals next week personally I am not caring too much about classes either. My partner of three years is becoming more frustrated with me because he feels so helpless. I have contimplated suicide becasue sometime the pain is too much. I have no way of describing the pain that I feel. All I know is that I cry and feel so much hurt inside.
Comment by Linda — 6/3/2004 @ 6:30 pm
depression to me sucks out all my energy so that i can’t be bothered to do anything. it makes me feel worthless, that i’m better dead than alive. i feel as though it’s too much of an effort to keep on living and i’ll finally be able to rest if i’m 6 feet under.
two failed suicide attempts. third time lucky.
Comment by bella — 6/5/2004 @ 5:18 pm
I wake up and think what now? I am dissapointed that it has happened again. No one understands, I am in my world. No one is willing to be here with me. Everyone pisses me off cause they are so easy going. They don’t see that everything is wrong, its all bad. Why should I see them? Why should I go out to people who are not of the same kind?
Comment by Lea — 6/6/2004 @ 1:25 am
I’m standing at the edge of a cliff, the one that exists only in my head, and the one that I and I alone have dragged myself to kicking and screaming all the way. And it is here at the brink of my exhausted resolve and saniy, that I must make a choice…again.
I have waged and fought in an endless war of the heart for nearly two years straight now; and I am so far away from caring about anything, and so utterly lost in the collapsed ruins of my own life, that I really don’t know where I am anymore, or if I will ever make it home again. Each and every day of my life in that span has been an unimaginable horror that no one on this earth should ever have to witness or endure alone, as I have. If there is, or ever was a God, then he is most certainly an absent landlord at best, and little more than a cruel tyrant at worst. I feel like a corpse inside, dead and hollowed out with no remaining trace whatsoever of the “good” guy that I so used to be. I’m standing over my own body, in prepartion of burying it.
Well, what else is there to say? I know I’m not alone in the Godless mess; I have many “brothers and sisters” who suffer from the same affliction as I. There’s a sad comfort in the understanding that I’m not alone in this, but as most of you can probably attest to…it really makes no ultimate difference in the end.
My life, as I once knew it, has seemingly come and gone, leaving me to stand alone in the debris of my soul, waiting for the next unwanted dawn in a life that I’m not the least bit interested in living anymore.
Comment by Glen — 6/6/2004 @ 5:59 pm
I remember someone once sying to me “Its nice falling asleep at night knowing someone cares!” and I remember saying back “yes, it is!!”- I long for that same feeling. That feeling that seems so far off in the distance and most likely will never return to me! I have lost all hope!! In my eyes- It’s over!!! Its so hard going through life pretending all the time. Pretending to laugh at the joke thats not funny, pretending to smile at the person who used to mean so much to you. Pretending to be happy. Whats the point. I want to be alone- but when I am, I hurt even more. I don’t want to waste anymore of anyone’s time and energy. I don’t want anyone to have to worry anymore. I don’t want to feel this pain anymore. I don’t want to cry anymore. I want all this pain to be overwith. The worst thing is when people say “It will get better- it always does”…. Well when??? Years and years have past and I feel worst than ever!!! They just don’t understand- noone does. Suicide isn’t a choice for me- its just my last option. Everything else failed- this won’t. How can it??? I just wanted to be loved- loved like any other person is!! At least by one person. I am crying out for help inside, but noone can hear me. I am in a world all by myself. It hurts to much when that one special person who means the world to you doesn’t care. Doesn’t care at all. Some people go through lie with everything- here I am with nothing. How can someone live their life day to day- always feeling that they aren’t good enough, nothing they do is good enough, a feeling of anxiety, a feeling of guilt. Its all too much to handle. It hurts the most when someone takes advantage of you- and your too ashamed and embarassed to do anything about it. As much as it hurts to see him free and happy- you keep quiet. Why??? You don’t want to be at fault- because everything is your fault. You don’t wnat people to think differently of you- because they will think differently of you. You don’t want people to abandon you- because they always seem to do that. One last cry for help- no one answers- Only Goodbye!!
Comment by Ashley — 6/6/2004 @ 9:03 pm
I feel as if I’m lurking around in a life that I can’t quite reach. I travel in a glass bubble it seems, where voices are muffled and vision is blurred. I can’t enjoy smells, I don’t feel the wind.. I’m numb and empty. Sometimes I laugh, and I feel myself doing it but can’t quite catch up to the sensation because the anchor is too heavy. I don’t know if that makes sense.. sometimes it feels as if nothing make sense. I think I know what Zombies felt like, and empty egg shells and flowers that have wilted because they ran out of water. I watch couples walking and talking and laughing and I feel like I’m watching a foreign film with no subtitles. Why do people seem happy, why do they have beautiful beaming faces and beautiful beaming lives.. why can’t I.. why don’t I.. how did they get the rainbow over their lives.. and I got the dark clouds? I don’t want to wither or die, I can see a faint crack of light way at the end of this book of my life that I think is the beginning of a new journey. I just want whatever it is that’s anchoring me down to let go, so I can be free. I want to dance to that light and be reborn into the life I see everyone else having. God help me.
Comment by Nadine — 6/9/2004 @ 9:41 pm
Depression for me is mostly about feeling numb, feeling something gnawing inside you, but not being able to let it go. I have had depression, more or less, for about 12 years, (now I’m 21) it started because experiences in my childhood, somw of which were in my life for years.
There are times when things seem a bit more bright and I think I have gotten over it, but I can feel it lurking inside, always. I try to think positive, and I have actually learned and changed a bit. But still, depression is in me, and sometimes people dont understand the contradiction that is in me and that perhaps is a big part of depression; you can think positively, at least try, and you still might get depressed at the same time.
Depression is being tired. So tired that you just dont feel anything else but sadness. I have felt it so long that I have lost the ability to cry. I miss crying, because it feels purifyig, ability to feel the sadness. I just feel empty. There are goals that I want to reach, an university to be presice, but depression makes it harder. I feel like I could be in bed for days; yet I have an ambition that drives me, so I guess I’m lucky in a way that I have found some way to believe in myself even in depression.
Depression feels like veil in front of your eyes, a filter that doesnt let the light in. It sucks the life and joy out of one’s soul. Just dont let it change you.
Comment by Markku — 6/11/2004 @ 5:32 am
What Depression Feels Like to Me
I have everything I’ve ever wanted. My life is perfect. I have a beautiful home, a beautiful family, great friends…I have no real problems to speak of. Everyone I love is healthy and happy…except for me. I have this black cloud hanging over my head most of the time; occasionally the sun peeks through the clouds and shines a beautiful light on my life so that I can see how perfect it really is…but then sometimes the cloud opens up and pours misery that no one else seems to see or feel…they ask what’s wrong with me and I say ‘nothing,’ because I can’t really explain the source of the pain… I’m the only one who sees the clouds. And I don’t want to hear how everything will be okay…and I don’t want to be asked ‘what are you depressed ABOUT?’ Everything is NOT okay in my perfect little life, and if someone else would just look up and see the clouds maybe they’d know that I’m not depressed ABOUT anything…I’m depressed IN SPITE OF EVERYTHING.
Comment by Lisa — 6/11/2004 @ 9:11 pm
I feel like I am never going to achieve what I want in my life. Maybe because I want so damned much!. I am in my second year of studying to be a pharmacist at the moment and I feel like how can I give healthy advice to others when I’m not healthy!. I really want to be studying medicine but just feel like I can not cope with any study anymore. I feel like I am not going to get thru any of this. I feel like I am not going to achieve any of my goals. I seem to have lost the absolute passion and inspiration. I don’t feel like a young zealot anymore- I feel dead!. Everything is just way to much. I’m not eating, sleeping, concentrating in lectures. My mind wanders. I have suicidal thoughts many times each day. I feel totally unmotivated and devoid of the optimism I once had. I’ve withdrawn from my peers. I feel totally totally alone and I’ve been this way it seems forever. My family treats me differently- like I’m not normal. I also have anxiety attacks and have been in sexual situations where I couldn’t do nuthin about what was happening. I feel like I’ve lost control over my feelings. I’ve let people say stuff to me many many times and I get glazed over in shock and have believed and accepted what they say for many years. I have an extremely low self esteem. I feel like there’s nothing left for me on this planet. I feel like a piece of rubbish. University seemed to be the last thing I had going for me and it seems to be slipping away. My mental state seems to be slipping away. Depression is waste. It’s a vacuum which sucks away true moments of joy we all deserve.
Comment by Sarah — 6/12/2004 @ 10:40 am
I am a prisoner of my own mind…
Comment by Maddie — 6/12/2004 @ 5:53 pm
Depression feels like you are drowning in hopelessness and self-pity. You have no energy and all you want to do is sleep. Every minute of every day, you want to cry and scream and beg for mercy, but instead you walk around and act like it’s all ok. You hate yourself, and, many times, everyone around you. You begrudge others their happiness, and feel guilty about it. You feel ugly, unloveable, and desperate for reassurance that your life is worth something. You think about suicide constantly- it’s a thought thats always there in the back of your mind. You dread the future, for you know it can only bring more misery, despair, and failure. You are desperate for people to like you, but are convinced that they don’t. You can have fun, and there are small victories, but at the end of the day the depression is always there. You take a thousand risks, not caring what may result from them. You do things you are ashamed of but repeat your actions over and over in a hopeless cycle. Overall, everything- your past, your present, your future- all is black, and all you can do is pray that if there is a God, he will let you die instead of living day after day feeling as though you are already dead.
That is what depression feels like.
Comment by Clare — 6/13/2004 @ 12:44 am
Depression is something that I have struggled with and been medicated for since I was around ten years old. Depression to me does not feel like an illness so much as a disability. Without any warning or hesitation my moods swing completely around leaving me angry at my fiance for nothing, unhappy, unable to bring myself out of bed let alone work, and afraid to talk to anyone about what is bothering me. It is causing a huge gap between me and my fiance becuase he’ll ask me what is wrong and all I can say is, “I don’t know”. It feels like I am punishing him becuase I can’t make him understand what is going on inside me but I expect him to be able to support and console me for it. Everytime I have a modd swing the thought of me making him miserable only saddens me more. I feel trapped inside of a fog that can never clear, and I am very afraid of simple things that I know can trigger a mood change. Setting the table wrong, dishes in the sink, a spot on the carpet, any little thing can make me feel like a failure. I feel like I am battling the monster of myself and no matter what I will never win.
Comment by Abigail — 6/13/2004 @ 7:04 am
My Dear Friends,
Although I do not suffer from depression like you my husband does and has for years. I have worked with “clinical depression” people for many years and, so, knew what was wrong with my husband when I first met him many years ago. He was never diagnosed until 1998 when I finally got him to go to a doctor. He still denies many aspects of this terrible disease, hoping it will go away if he ignores it.
Your comments made me cry with pain for you all and for my husband. Also, truefully, for myself as well. For you see, I don’t know how to help my husband any more. It is very hard for me at times too: I become angry, tired, wanting it all to stop, and of course, feeling quilty. I have printed all your comments and plan to give them to my husband to read, just to let him know that there are others with the same feelings as him.
Please don’t stop trying, no matter how hard the days and nights may feel to you. There is someone out there that does care: ME!!! With all my heart I wish there was a way to take away your pain, but I can’t. No more than I can take away my husbands. But, there is one thing I can do….Love him no matter what!!!
Thank you all!! You all have helped me this day. You see I was falling into that trap of feeling sorry for myself. You helped pull me out. Thank You! And although I don’t know any of you….I know that I love you as one of God’s children and wish you all well.
Comment by Patricia — 6/13/2004 @ 1:38 pm
I am only 13 years old and have had BiPolar Depression for 8 years. It makes everything terrible its hard to exsplain its like falling into a dark pit and even tho u see the light at the top u see no way to get out and everyone who wants to help u reject them in fear i donno but if anyone can plz try to help me. Just having sum1 to talk to would be nice.
Comment by Julie — 6/13/2004 @ 4:26 pm
for me i have been aware that i have had serious depression for just over two years now @21. it lives my life for me yet it is not living just existing. being here present with a heart beat but with no life.at times never being able to think i can feel alive again.it seems to have rewritten my past and i end up believing my life has been the darkest place for any soul to have lived.everything seems deep,deep thoughts, deep feeling and emotions.thats what my world revolves around these feelings.i know feelings have to be dealt with from the past but every new day creates just soooooo many more that become confusing and just sooo much.helping myself like going out doing stuff meeting up with mates is like some huge big deal and most of the time i come back feeling worse. keep trying, youll get there,things aint gonna stay the same forever im always hearing. whats forever a? maybe i should just be hearing it from myself and it would mean more.
Comment by yasmin — 6/14/2004 @ 9:05 am
for me i have been aware that i have had serious depression for just over two years now @21. it lives my life for me yet it is not living just existing. being here present with a heart beat but with no life.at times never being able to think i can feel alive again.it seems to have rewritten my past and i end up believing my life has been the darkest place for any soul to have lived.everything seems deep,deep thoughts, deep feeling and emotions.thats what my world revolves around these feelings.i know feelings have to be dealt with from the past but every new day creates just soooooo many more that become confusing and just sooo much.helping myself like going out doing stuff meeting up with mates is like some huge big deal and most of the time i come back feeling worse. keep trying, youll get there,things aint gonna stay the same forever im always hearing. whats forever a? maybe i should just be hearing it from myself and it would mean more.
Comment by yasmin — 6/14/2004 @ 9:06 am
I’m 21. I’ve never had a girlfriend, never had sex. All girls I talk to appear to be frightened of me and worse, I have absolutely no idea why. Do I strike them as perverted, threatening, oily or chauvanistic?
When I’m around other people, any people, I feel uncultivated, unintelligent and unable to say anything that is interesting or even just plain normal. I can hear all my sentences sound stupid but shutting up will just make me appear even more distant and hermit-like. Everybody seems unconfortable when I enter the room.
I have bad taste or rather no taste at all. I seem to think slower than everybody else and unable to relate as other people do. Any of my opinions on anything sound phony. Any attempt to look well-mannered and polite looks insincere. Any question feels like an attack on my existence.
Everybody else seems to have a good answer to every situation – I fumble around and usually miss the train. Everybody else seems to know what can be expecteded of them and what is unreasonable. Everybody else seems to know what they know and what they dont. Everybody else seems to know something or have something in common that I do not.
When I make even the smallest mistake I think everybody sees it and that it’s all they think about – and talk about, behind my back. I’m overwhelmed by shame, paralyzed, and every attempt to divert attention from my mistakes just makes matters worse.
I feel stigmatized, as if everybody have something to blame me for. Any attempt to move on feels hypocritic or out-of-character.
Comment by Monstrosity — 6/14/2004 @ 6:42 pm
has anyone seen the “Everybody’s Fool” video by Evanescence?? well that’s how i feel. Like, people see the fake side to you but underneath, you know the truth…you’re not the happy, cheery person you pretend to be…you hate yourself so much but you gotta keep preteding everythings ok…you want to believe everything will get better…but it only gets worse. nothing is what it seems.
Comment by amy lee — 6/14/2004 @ 8:57 pm
I have suffered from depression for over 40 years.Somewhere along the way I died inside. That title, “Dead Man Walking” is pretty accurate. I don’t even listen to music any more. Nietzsche said “Life without music would be a mistake.” Several times a day I say “I wish I was dead.” I injured my spine in a recent auto accident. If I fall or get hit again I’ll be paralyzed. The frightening thing about paralysis is that you can’t commit suicide!
Comment by Dave — 6/14/2004 @ 10:21 pm
When I am sick (that is what I call it when I have a depressive episode) I don’t care about anything anymore. I am afraid of everything. All I want to do is sleep. The only thing I think about is sleep because then I don’t have to think or feel anymore.
Comment by Shannon — 6/15/2004 @ 7:28 pm
its like this one line from a limp bizkit song- “its just one of those days that i dont wanna wake up, everythings fucked, everybody sucks” except that its not “just one of those days”- its each and every day.
Comment by jamie — 6/15/2004 @ 11:31 pm
Depression sucks. And all the things that are related to it. All the normal problems of life weigh on you like a ton of bricks. My son has ADHD, and in the process of learning about that, I learned that I have it too. My husband thinks we are both nuts, like we are looking for attention. But everytime my son goes into a rage over some little thing that means nothing, I am completely aware of what he is going through, but nobody else seems to get it. I try to explain what it feels like to those around me, but they answer me with blankness. I am the rock that will be there for my son, and I will get myself through too, but sometimes I wish there was someone who understood to take care of me. Some days I just want to cry my eyes out. The world is a lonely place sometimes, but the strong WILL SURVIVE!!! I am a survivor, and nothing, even Depression, or ADHD, or any other label that they put on this feeling will get the best of me!
Comment by Angie — 6/16/2004 @ 11:42 pm
I am empty and tired. Nothing matters-I don’t even care if I get better. I just want it to be over. I don’t remember how it feels to be any other way but sad. I feel better that I’m over forty because I figure I won’t spend too much more time on earth.
Comment by Kathy — 6/17/2004 @ 6:56 am
Lost in life, lost in death. Just Lost… Not even able to think or react as normal. I can not even seem to exsist with ease. Everything is SO hard. Each breath, each heartbeat, comes with so much effort that giving up would be so easy. I do not have the strength to put out such mountains of effort. God help me!
Comment by Tami — 6/17/2004 @ 9:08 pm
I am a 16 years old female that is pressured by sex and drugs everyday. I stopped smoking pot last year because that was something that help to hide who i was and still am. I am still a virgin and no one can respect that. I listen to depressing songs to make my life seem better in some way. I feel like the world is agianst me and everyone wants ro hurt me. I dont act like most girls. I do my own thing and I know i am different. I have had bad stuff going on everyday of my pathetic life. I go to school full time and i work full time. I have no money and i have no life. I live in hell that only i see. I dont have the perfect body and i constently put myself down by saying that i am fat (which i am) and that i am not as pretty as the other girls. ALL I WANT IS TO BE AS PRETTY AS THEY ARE FOR ONE DAY. Just one. I cry over that. I hate to smile and i am depressed.
I feel like just giving up everyday. I cry so much when i am alone because that is when i let my feelings out. I dont tell anyone what is going on in my head. I fear that if they knew the real me they would get scared and leave me. I hate to be alone yet i would rather be alone then in a group. I am really messed up and i feel like i am drowning in my pain and sorrow. I hide all of my feelings and i act differently around everyone. I dont live in this life. I hide in the shadows and live a fantasy life. I havent got help from a doctor. All i have is my friends. But i still dont tell them everything.
My biggest problems in life is that i want to fly away and dissapear from the world. Just get lost where no one can find me. Not even myself.
I feel different from the world. I am so parinoid that everyone is talking about me. I feel like i know they are.
I have very little self- esteam. I constently put myself down. I give up on things that are so easy to do. I just want to end this life. But something is holding me back. I feel that if i do, i will be hurting so many people that have tried to help me and that care about me. I cant hurt them. One day it will all end. I have to stop thinking and worrying. I feel like i have to just give up and die. I will one day real soon. I cant right now. So for the time being i will hide in my shadows and keep acting like everything is fine and that i am happy.
Comment by Sheila — 6/18/2004 @ 8:50 pm
I feel all and some of the things listed in all these posted people. I feel like my head is having a hangover and I don’t know why. I was very frustrated by not knowing “what” was wrong with me! I actually feel a little bit of “relief” knowing it’s depression, but also still sad “knowing” it’s depression. Yuck. This web site alone has guided me in the right direction. I feel awful taking Zoloft, and I’ve stopped taking it, but my head STILL feels foggy even days after I’ve stopped. I want to try a natural herb or vitamins.
Depression feels like I’m tired all the time. I sleep through half of the day, but when I get up, I don’t feel rested. I still feel tired, and I don’t know what to do first, or where to start. I’m not interested in “doing” anything. I have to “force” myself to do anything. I have no desires, except to eat ice cream (which is my weakness) and now I’ve gained 10 or more pounds in the last three months, and that makes me feel worse.
I have detached myself away from my outside family members. They drive me crazy! I find it difficult, or impossible to speak with anyone. I feel it impossible to answer the phone, so I’ve stopped talking on the phone completely. I’ve had to tell everyone in my immediate family to tell people I can’t come to the phone because I am “resting”. At least this way, I don’t feel like I have to lie.
Food has no taste. My house is getting messy again. My words don’t come when I’m trying to talk to someone. I sound like I’m in grade school when I speak. My vocabulary sounds like a second grader. Really.
At least my loving husband is being very patient with me. Thank God.
I just want to get better, but things I’ve tried just don’t work. I can’t even work anymore, because I cry uncontrollably over nothing, just like a big baby! I hate that, but I CAN’T help it.
I am going to the health food store today, and find a natural remedy. Maybe there is hope?
Comment by Foggy — 6/19/2004 @ 11:55 am
Hello, friends, I am still here. tried to get away, but failed again. Felt pretty good for a couple of days, then gloom again. Kinda don’t give a flip about nothing. Pilled up tonight, and 4 beers, and still able to find this web site. I know how all of you feel. I wish I had some words that could help. I don’t. It will be “Fathers’ Day” in 15 minutes, and all I can expect is what can I do for them. I would really just like to sleep. Nothing seems to help. Smilling gets harder each day. Just hanging on takes all of my strenght. I tried asking “Why?”, but I ended up getting more crazy. I guess that there is no end. I have had it all my life, and probably will continue it for the rest of my life. It sucks. I hide and cry, at times, and to know avail. I thank you all for posting on this web site, because, it’s the only place I can find people who know what I feel.
To all you Dad’s out there, “Happy Father’s Day”.
Thanks, Jimbo
Comment by Jimbo — 6/20/2004 @ 12:56 am
I’m only fifteen and the pain is just so much that i’ve grown an immune system to it. At first the pain is so much, so acute, that you just cant breathe; then slowly you become numb unable to care or feel. Nothing matters anymore right? I’m gonna be gone soon enough. There migh be hope and i can get help but i dont want to. i dont want to see the world as a better place again and place myself up just to fall down again. i prefer to see the world as it really is, cold and unfeeling, i dont really want to die but it’s my only way out. My only way out.
Comment by Sandra — 6/20/2004 @ 10:18 am
It all just feels so hopeless. I haven’t worked since February, and I’m finding it harder and harder to function with just the daily stuff. I have a 4 year old daughter, and had to send her to my mom’s in another state so that I can try and ‘get it together.’ Sadly, it seems that my child was the only thing really keeping me going. She’s only been gone a little over a week, and all I do now is think about how much better off she would be with me out of the picture completely. I’ve never had such a bad episode before, that’s lasted so long. I’ve been on Prozac since 1999, and it’s lost its effectivity. Not sure what the doctor is going to try now. Whatever it is, it has to be better than what I’m going through now. I want to see my child grow up, but for some reason I can never imagine myself past a certain age, and I can’t picture being in her life. I even has a suicide ‘note’ written out in my head, and lastnight I almost called a crisis hotline, because I didn’t trust myself to be alone. I keep weighing the pros and cons, and I know I’m probably too chicken to do it, but I can’t fantasizing these days about it… and that scares me.
Comment by Helena — 6/20/2004 @ 3:45 pm
I am talented, black, and bisexual. I have no one to support me emotionally. Im afraid to come out with my bisexuality because people still hate the gay community. and often times I have to deal with the hate of racism(even in this day and age). I have tried and failed to make a name for myself in music, and art, everthing I have done to make a name for myself hasnt come to fruition. I long to have love and family in my life but I really have no one. Im tired of being so alone that death seems like a way out. but the thing is Im afraid of eternal damnation should I kill myself. Fear is what keeps me alive. but somedays the fear dosnt seem so intense.
Comment by LivingDeadFear — 6/21/2004 @ 2:54 pm
Depression is such a well known word to me. It is mostly built up feelings. I hate to show my feeling to everyone because it hurts so much. My feelings are all messed up and i just stopped caring. You just feel like giving up on the easiest things in life. Well i am at the point of just giving up. But my friends are holding me back. It kills me inside knowing that they know about what is going on in my head. The feelings inside are like HELL. Its inside you and all you want to do is to kill it. Everyone that trys to help you, you push away. I Say i DONT need help and that i am perfectly normal. I am fine. I cant accept the fact that i am not okay. I need help but i dont want it. I think i will get it soon though because may be these feelings are just getting the best of me…
All you want to do Is punch a wall to get rid of all these bottled up feelings. I say hit the damn wall as hard as you can. I did it and it hurt so much but it helped me a little bit.
I want to say thanks to all the people who wrote on this web site you have helped me realize that i am not ALONE. I know there are people out there that feel the same way i do.
Thank you everyone
Comment by Confused SRB — 6/21/2004 @ 8:53 pm
Being depressed to me means “flat” not happy not sad just flat. I dont eat, shower. I do not live in the moment I go through the motions.
Comment by Melissa — 6/23/2004 @ 4:01 pm
I am currentley recoveing from anorexia and recentley this strange evil feeling has taken over me. It scared me at first- thinking that i was schizophrenic and all sorts. I came out of a mental health unit that treated me for my eating disorder for over a year. I am now at home. I eat well but still have my little ways with food, which is very hard to admit. I find it hard admitting i had a eating disorder. As the eating side of things sort of settles down a bit this other sde is creeping in. It feels really awful. I feel worthless and i look at other people and wish i had their life rather than mine. I don’t understand why they don’t feel like this.
When i was at the unit i saw alot of peple come and go, all with different problems which included depression, schizophrenia and anxiety etc. I think seeing people with other mental illnesses didn’t do much good as i am quite a paroniod person and i then started to belive i had these disease. I have been searching on the net to find out what the hell this feeling this and this website is very useful.
I don’t know if anyone else feels like there’s another evil person type thing in your head but i sure do. I know i’m not schizophrenic as i don’t portray any other symptons. I feel lonely like no-one else has ever felt like this before. I wish i could be back to my happy myself i was a couple of years ago but it just seems so far away. I also am very obbsesive. I find my depression is worst in the morning. I try to block it out but it fights back. I am not currentley on any sort of medication but i hopefully am going to get some as i feel it’s the only way to stop this over-powering feeling. Please if anyone else feels like this write back! I am so desparate for someone who can relate to me. I will post another message agin soon to tell you more on this awful feeling iside my head.
thanks!
Comment by Jakki — 6/24/2004 @ 3:32 pm
Depression is: not wanting to feel, not wanting to know, not wanting to exist. It is looking at a rainbow – the sun’s energy reflecting off the multitude of tiny rain droplets scattering the color spectrum of red,blue,green,yellow across the sky; the morning sun rays gently peeping out from behind white, whisping clouds and falling upon the calm ocean waves leaving a shiney, glistening sparkle — and not seeing or feeling the wonder and beauty, only darkness and numbness. Depression is a living death in hell that never ends.
Comment by Sherlynn — 6/25/2004 @ 6:47 pm
Great life. 4 beautiful kids, loving husband, supportive family…happy home…Miserable me! Where do I fit into this picture of happiness? When do I get to feel it? When do I get to run care-free outside laughing and playing with the kids enjoying life’s precious moments? When do I get to stop dreading the next breakdown? The next moment of rage? The next long night of no relieving sleep? The next wasted day lying around wishing I had the energy to move? “Mommy, what’s wrong? Do I make you sad?” When will they stop asking? Why do they need me? Won’t they be better off without me? What do I have to offer them? Anger? Rage? Misery? “Mommy’s tired again today” “Mommy’s sick again today” “Daddy, why does Mommy keep crying?” They’d have to be better off not watching me go through this. “Snap out of it!” I say “Get over it!” I say. It doesn’t work. Nothing works. Nothing works out right for me. I can’t do anything right. Even if I tried, I’d just fail. Or quit before I could fail. I’ll just sleep a little while. Can’t even do that right. They need me. They depend on me. They don’t know me. They don’t see me. I don’t know me. I CAN’T see me. I wish I could. I wish I could…Smile. A real smile. A heartfelt smile. Like when they were first born. Like when I thought my life would be great. But it is great…it just doesn’t include me. Left out, all alone in a house full of people. Sad in a happy time. Down with no where left to go and no way to pull myself back up. Lost! Alone! Sad! Here but nowhere! And on to the next day! Hoping it will be better…Knowing it will not…Living with it still the same. Maybe they won’t grow up to be this way. Maybe they will love me enough to be different, maybe they will hate me enough to be happy! Maybe, I can smile one day! Maybe! Maybe!
Comment by LithiumQueen — 6/25/2004 @ 6:57 pm
Being depressed really suck.I don’t like things I once used to and the whole world anoyys me.Sometimes when Im watching tv I get really pissed off at all these happy people and it just makes me sick.Sometimes I just throw a pillow at the tv.I hate being depressed.Everything makes me mad.Sometimes i turn violent and deadly.Sometimes I just crawl into my little world were everything is fine and dandy only to wake up and realize its not.
Comment by Julie — 6/25/2004 @ 7:38 pm
So..I have finally forced myself to recognize that what I am feeling is not something I can snap out of. This is not some silly mood that I can just put aside and move on from. No, this is something that is the polar opposite of just that. I have lost the person that I am on the inside to the world around me. I am crying..always, and for everything. I feel alone and unloved, and as if I were not to exist, that no one would notice, let alone care. It’s incredibly difficult to feel so alone, but I am working on getting better. I never thought that this would happen to me, that I would be, “depressed,” but I am making it a point to make it through..and be okay in the end. There is a solution to every problem, and I am searching to find the solution to probably the hardest thing I have ever had to face in my entire life.
Comment by Fem — 6/25/2004 @ 11:35 pm
Depression to me is as though, death comes a long and opens its gapping mouth and closes its jaws around my head, there is darkness, pain, hurt, nothingness.. I forget happy times I forget that life is possible and all i want is to die. I’m actually incapable of remebering joy during those times, I know it exists but the physical memory is blank. Some days I walk in sunshine and forget my monster and others where I see shadows and fear the return. I cry because I don’t know how long I can hold on and not succumb to my internal death. And when I’m in the dark how far can I go into the abiss and return? Each time it leads deaper some new pain is found, nothing logical, once one anguish I learn to deal with another comes.
All I know is I can’t let it take me, my family cares about me and it would destroy them should I choose to take those steps, I never have, and I love them to much to hurt them so much. Just because one thinks of death doesn’t mean you have to act on it. Suicidal thoughts come and go but I have to ignore them no matter how strong they are. I know if I don’t have something to do almost every minute the day I get sucked into a downward spiral, to distract me, to keep me in the moment and out of myself them I’m fine.
I’ve been on medication for almost a year now, the throbbing pain in my head is gone, it can return if I go down to long. I don’t know what the answer is going to be.. maybe one will never come. I have to exist in the present thats all I know, or can deal with.
Comment by Anni — 6/26/2004 @ 2:04 am
Depression is a thief in the night that robs you of your very being. It takes and takes and takes until you can give no more.It locks you in a terrible exile of which it seems like there is no escape. It controls you and taunts you. It makes you doubt yourself. Someone ( medical researchers ) needs to take this evil thief from us.
Comment by M — 6/26/2004 @ 4:35 pm
Depression to me is a nightmare in the middle of the day.It’s like everything around me can be perfect; the sun is shining, not a cloud in the sky,the birds are singing.But my entire world is crashing down all around me.I have done many things in my life that I’m ashamed of and still at times continue to act this way.I was diagnosed a few years ago with ADHD and I believe that this has been the source of all of my evil,whether for real or just in my mind.Although I have a good career and a family that I know loves me and I still feel like a total failure.I truly believe everyone would be better off without me.If I didn’t have a family that needed me and relied on me I think I would have offed myself a long time ago.
Comment by Hector — 6/26/2004 @ 5:21 pm
When all the world seem hopeless, all your dreams shattered, and the only person whom you trusted to be with you always has left you with nothing. Life really sucks. Just when you thought everything’s alright, surprise!!! It’s not.. It’s like holding on to nothing and you just want to let go but you can’t because others will be affected – this is also depressing, when you wanted to end your misery(read:life) and you still think about the burden of guilt you will inflict to others…
Comment by kaye — 6/27/2004 @ 3:11 am
Been here before…been there and done that, in the end, it’s all the same…pointless. My life, as I once knew it, is over. What I have left, is something that no one on this earth should ever have to endure on their own. Suicide…the end of all things, is as common to me as every breath of fresh air that I take. I don’t want to die…I only want to escape that which I can no longer stand in opposition to…the deathwish of my own life and the end of everything that the future holds for me. I am a living, walking, breathing statistic toward suicide…just waiting to happen. Tonight…I came home, alone…again. I got high like so many other nights in a feeble attempt to escape the mind numbing pain that I feel each and every waking moment of my life now. The only difference with tonight, is that I actually put the barrel of a .45 colt to the side of my temple. And in my fucked up drug induced stupor, I now know this…I actually pulled the trigger this time, only to realize, much to my sadness, that in my drug influenced trip…I seemingly forgot to load the magazine. Whether this was fate or folly, I know not. But…if there is anyone out there as fucked up as I appear to be, feel free to let me know one way, or the other. It would be nice to hear a voice in the dark…alongside my own.
Comment by Glen — 6/27/2004 @ 3:30 am
It’s always wondering that if in some “parallel universe” you might actually be living a happy, care-free, productive, loving, “normal” life?????
Because you know for sure that the life you’re living here is awful……………
Comment by becky — 6/27/2004 @ 8:18 pm
It’s like everyday is a lifetime of dying slowly.
Comment by Jason — 6/28/2004 @ 6:01 am
I feel like my life is so pointless. I feel like I am going to be just another person who was born then dies, with leaving no mark in the world.
Comment by Fiona — 6/28/2004 @ 8:53 pm
Heh….. where do i begin?….. i can be feeling fine, and then i start thinking of everything. things go so fast and then slow. then i cry, most of the time i have no reason why. i feel as if i cant talk to anyone, that my life is a steamy pile of ****. at times when im in one of those moods, which is usually almost everyday, i feel that my girlfriend really doesnt love me and that everyone is looking at me and that i can never ever be right….. i think about my future and i want things to happen in my favor, but i always doubt it. thinking that it will never happen. im not on any medication ive actually never been to the doctor. my girlfriend gets upset when im in one of my “moods” and that makes me even more sad… because i love her so much and i feel that she is all that i have.
Comment by Tom — 6/29/2004 @ 12:09 am
Depression is the most dreaded feeling i can have.Wakeing up everyday with a different hat on.The children afraid to speak to me because of the unknowing emotion rage inside of me.The really hurt to put on a fake smile to keep my front with people.Medication is only false hope!
Comment by kylalynn — 6/29/2004 @ 9:58 am
Depression puts my body at ease and my mind in hell. The body is too lazy to help itself and the mind is too busy hating itself. You just float through life taking everyone else’s **** because your too busy remembering why you suck every moment of the day. love destroys you, fear means nothing, and materials like money mean less. if anything high risk comes my way like purposely forgetting to turn my air on in the scuba tank i jump all over it. if someone notices(which they did) then who cares, this prolongs the inevitable. All the people i know look for something in life that really makes them feel alive. I look for something to make me dead. maybe im lonely maybe im heartbroken maybe i have multiple personalities fighting each other. either way, death can’t feel this bad.
Comment by Sergio — 6/29/2004 @ 8:24 pm
Depression drowns all my thoughts and emotions and makes them all negative and depression makes me tired and bitchy alot.. I hate depression.. i wish i could ecape..
Comment by Amanda — 6/30/2004 @ 11:35 pm
Depression to me, is the world storming over you and feeling as if nothing can help or stop it. It builds up, gradually, the stress, the anger, the chaotic uncontrolled emotions until I just want to tear it out of me. Its like going through the day, each and every day, with friends or being alone, either way it always follows, it makes you feel alone even in the midst of laughter with friends. I can smile, even when not fake, yet their is always this… heaviness weighing me down, even if no one can see it. It makes me feel weak, both pysically and mentally, even if people see strength in me.. I just don’t… To me that is depression.
Comment by Sarah — 7/1/2004 @ 2:48 pm
Nothing feels good anymore, everything is fake, and meaningless. Time passes so slowly, it’s almost unbearable. Nobody cares about me, or understands me, most don’t even believe me about being depressed, and how can i really blame them? I’ve been nothing but a burden to everyone my whole entire life…. It feels like if someone I know adds one more ounce on the weight I am carrying around on my back, I’m going to collapse, and I hope I do. I often burst into tears when this happens. Anything even slightly critical triggers it, sometimes even friendly comments trigger it. It feels like the world would be a better place without me because I ruin everyone i come into contact with.
Comment by alexa — 7/1/2004 @ 3:32 pm
it is a giant black hole that swirls around and around and sucks you down. it’s like being the walking dead…i have no feelings…i cannot cry….small talk at work is torture….it’s all so fake…it just all feels wrong.
Comment by teresa — 7/1/2004 @ 11:31 pm
Depression feels like everyone is against you and everything in your life is wrong and you’re a failure. I’ve been feeling this way since my childhood, I’m now 32. My family thought I am just difficult to handle, that I have an attitude problem. I felt so different from my siblings. I felt so alone. I felt so unloved especially by my mother. I used to spend my childhood afternoons on top of our house’s roof. Just lying there, thinking, wondering why am I so “negative & different”; staring at the clouds, mountains, sky, wondering how come they are there & why are they colored like as they are. Am I insane? There were voices in my head; they talked so fast, as if they were in a race. There was “water” behind my head, like a waterfall. Is it normal?
I haven’t been diagnosed and I’m not into any medication coz I haven’t seen a doctor. I’m afraid of the stigma attached to this illness. If I see a doctor, my friends and relatives will know that I’m mentally incapacitated. They will be shocked! I’ve been living a lie all this time. My friends and relatives see me as a happy person. I’m just pretending that I’m happy. It’s so hard to pretend. It’s so hard to live daily. I’m overwhelmed to do ordinary things, like cleaning my room, brushing my teeth. I easily get irritated with my family. I thought they’re talking about me behind my back. I’m a burden to them. I think they’re better off without me here.
Medication and therapy will be costly. I don’t have money. My father will be financially burdened with me again. I wanted to leave my family, go somewhere else where no one knows me and start a new life so I could make it right this time. Or just leave this world so I could finally rest and my family can get rid of me.
Comment by balm — 7/2/2004 @ 3:40 am
I feel The same way Balm feels. Everyday I put on this fake smile so no one will ask what is wrong. Everyone tries to help me but the truth is I have given up on myself. I have lost all my will power and I have no more effort. It is not fair to me. I just want to scream. I want to be let out of this black hole of hell. I have given up on God because i dont understand why he is putting me and so many other people through this. I didnt think i did anything wrong. May be everything i do is wrong. I am so lost and the fake smile can only last for so long. I have already planed out how i can die and i am just waiting for a rainy day. This black hole will come to an end. I will not have to wonder what people say about me. I wont have to be alone anymore. I wont have to cry anymore because my heart is being killed and my mind will never stop thinking if i am crazy. I will be able to smile when i want and how i want. And the funny thing is for once i dont want to know what happens to someone after they die. Peace is what happens. Thats the way i see.
Comment by Lost and scared — 7/2/2004 @ 11:43 am
Depression is feeling like there is always a dark cloud hanging over your head. It is episodes of feeling like you are just skin and bones and that nothing inside of you really matters, that you are worthless. It is feeling that you aren’t good enough for the world and have no hope to ever be. It is thinking about how someday you are going to die and that you don’t really matter. It is contemplating what the point of life is. I have been on medication and it really helped. I felt like it lifted the cloud that followed me around. I have gone of the meds because I was pregnant but I think I have to go back on.
Comment by Lisa — 7/2/2004 @ 6:11 pm
After losing the love of my life due to outside influences, I have been in a constant state of depression with absolutely no interset in anything or anyone. I am continually engulfed in despair, hopelessness, and complete loneliness. It is truly a living death. A normal death would be welcome; suicide would destroy my child emotionally. I have been on two anti-depression meds; about like drinking water. Cannot focus on the present for thinking about the past. Would like to run away from my own mind and escape into something better.
Comment by Robert — 7/3/2004 @ 10:14 am
i am only 15 but i have had depression since i was about 7 years old when my mum tried to kill herself i dont know how to explain it it is just all i want to do is die everyday and when nothing is happeningand i am alone i cry for no reason and think of everything bad when something good happens i dont always take it in and i dont see the good side of things i never speak my mind unless im talking to people on the computer or when im with my best friend but then i ramble on about death and we usually end up arguing which i hate but i know she understands which is hard for her i know because not even i understand this hell of a life which is mine i have always had a loving family but was bullied a lot at school and stuff i am very moody a lot and angry and when i lose my temper i take it out on myself and i also break things whic is bad and very dangerous but at the time i dont realis and after i cry for hours because i worry i may hurt someoneelse but i dont know and i never mean it i just dont know how esle to cope and i am very shy i dont know why i am like this why me i want something to make me happy (which will propbaly be my death) and i know it wont i am afraid i will kill myself soon i hope everyone here does get their lives sorted and be happy
Comment by anonymous — 7/3/2004 @ 5:44 pm
it feeels like iv got no friends, no one to talk to and no life.
even typing at this keyboard is taking all my effort not to collaspe in agony and cry myself to death.
i am a pot smoker and i think that is what has caused all this pain. its all self inflicted and now all i want to do is die
Comment by trr — 7/4/2004 @ 10:13 am
Living behind a mask!
Wondering if you are really who you are!
Black clouds and torrent rain.
One big pain in the ass
Hating yourself endlessly
Comment by Anotheramy — 7/4/2004 @ 3:57 pm
Emptiness, I can not feel my soul any longer, it to has left me. I breathe in, breathe out that is all I have left to do. When that is gone so will I be, once again with my soul.
Comment by Emptiness not Darkness — 7/4/2004 @ 5:54 pm
I don’t know if I have depression or not for sure, but what I can offer is the way I feel. The way I feel is hopeless. My days are spent in this state of chronic despair. It’s like the sun is never going to come out again, and the worst part is that I no longer care if it does. My parents don’t understand either, and that makes it all the more difficult to feel this way. Their favorite phrase being “Sarah is having one of her mood swings again.” Others being “Sarah is always so miserable…Sarah has such an attitude…Sarah learned to cry the day she was born and she hasn’t stopped since.” I don’t understand it. I didn’t think that I’ve done anything to hurt them but the more they say things like that the more worthless I feel. I’ve tried to talk to them about this but nothing has become of it. My father and I don’t speak often and he seems to think I “hate” him. My mother always says that I give her a headache whenever I try to say these things and seeing me cry makes her feel guilty. So she looks away. I don’t think anyone really understands what happens to me on the inside but what’s unbearable is the fact I do know and can’t stop it. I feel like dying and I do not fear the end. Should I fear the unknown? If it is better than this then I could not. People seem to think that if one has “so much to live for” they should only want to live and never ever think of death. I feel as if I have failed this lifetime in some way and a close would not be unwelcome. I wouldn’t commit suicide but death in itself does not strike me as an unhappy thought. I just thought I’d post this in case it helped anyone else. I can’t help myself but I can at least try to be useful to others.
Comment by Sarah — 7/4/2004 @ 11:29 pm
Depression is having nothing to look forward to that will brighten your outlook on life and enable you to experience joy. Joy that once filled your life is gone. You experience nothing but loss everywhere you turn. Even when you do achieve a goal, it still seems meaningless, as do all other things in life. It rips out your guts and stifles your soul. It is a living hell on earth while you wait for death to come so you can be free of this horrible feeling. The only thing to look forward to is a life in heaven, free of pain and agony, but I have been taught that it is wrong to take your own life because then God will not take your soul there, but instead, will send it to Hell, where your pain of depression here on earth pales in comparision to the agony that you will suffer for eternity. So I wait out my years, going through the motions of living one empty day at a time, praying that I will enter eternity and be in the presence of God and everlasting joy forever.
Comment by Robert — 7/5/2004 @ 11:07 pm
I am 37 years old and have suffered from depression as long as I can remember. My mother left our home when I was 9 and I was left to care for my dad and two brothers. For most of my life I have felt as if everyday was just another day to get to the next one and so on and so on. When I had my children I just wanted to die I thought about lots of ways to kill myself and just end it all. The times when I should have been happiest I was the most miserable. I shut everyone out of my life, and probably still do to a point, most of the time I don’t want my family (other than my husband and kids) around me because they know. I enjoy being out of it way too much. From the outside in you would think that I was very normal I hold down a good job, I have two great kids, a lovely house and a good husband but none of that changes what is in your head. Last Friday my 10 year old son was diagnosed with depression and I know I have to be strong for him because I don’t want him to have the life I have had. He has always been difficult since he was a baby, I have always tried to make life easier for him because I guess deep down I always knew he was just like me. Truthfully I am probably the strongest I have ever been in my 37 years but since Friday I am starting to fall down that black hole and feel like taking my children and running away from life itself. I don’t want to work I don’t want my marriage and I don’t want my family. I know I should contact my doctor but it is just to hard. Here we go again…
Comment by Paradise Gone — 7/5/2004 @ 11:16 pm
I think trying to describe depression is, well pointless, as far as a feeling goes. I think of it as a disease or an addiction take you can’t overcome.
I have the usual sad story. As a child, I grew up with a father who would rather get drunk and gamble, then spend time with his son or pay the bills. This is probably the beginning of the problem, because through his neglict, I developed a codependence issue, but any ways. The emotional abuse went on through out my childhood and into my teens. Not being able to understand why his son wanted to skateboard or be different, evenually led to physical abuse. I remember the first time. I was working full time and going to college full time. He ask me to clean my room, and in my crazy life, I didn’t have time. I am finishing my physics homework, and I got a physical demo on Newton’s Laws because I had not got to the room. Fun
Adding to the plot, during these troubling times, the only true joy in my life was about to go so wrong. I loved and still love my exgirlfriend, Heather, more than any thing I have ever known. I know one’s memory can’t be trusted to be corrected, because we subconsciencly change things, but I still remember the first day I saw her. I would love at first sight. We were in highschool then. I was 15 and she was 16. We started dating about a year later. Things went great for the next 2 and a half years. Yeah, we had fights, but there was a chemistry that was so strong. I know, u are saying the first love thing, but we were no each other’s first loves, but we bonded on a different level, or at least I thought we did. In the summer of 98, I was working full time and taking a summer course in college, so we went from seeing each other everyday for almost 3 and a half years, to only getting to see each other on the weekends. I started noticing her acting different, and then the bomb dropped. She had be cheating on me with one of our good friends. I was shattered. I trusted them both so much, that even when all the evidence was in my face, I never saw it. It was like a child’s innocence, that was stolen. So here I am, 19 just in my 2nd year of college, 4.0 student. I had a plan. Everything lined up, and then it starts to break. My exgirlfriend who is 21, is sleeping with one of our friends that is 15. This kid grow up with me. He lives a block away…. Being the strong person I was, I try to keep going, but evenually I crack. Between my father and her, it was too much. I could go into a lot of details, but lets just say, this person, who was suppose to be my soulmate, well would sleep with him, and then drive down to my house and want to hang out. Things of that nature. Finally, I can’t take it. I decide, I must die. That is the only way out. This was a hard decision for me, one of my good friends had taken his own life just 2 years before. I had seen what it does to families and stuff, yet I was selfish and thought that it was the only way. I overdose on a lot of meds. The irony, I think Gods way of saying he will give me something to be sad about, is that half the pills were anti depressants that may have caused a chemical imbalance in my brain. Back to my sad story though. Here I am, dying…I feel myself slipping away..the only thought I have is her..how much I love her…how happy I was…and then nothing. I have no memory of the next 24 hours, but some how my father found me, and took me to the hospital. The doctors said the whole time I was out, all I did was cried out for her..sad….Jumping forward a bit.. Rehab, doctors, drugs, etc.. I try to put my life back together. Somehow, my grades stay good enough for me to get into Georgia Tech., which is a wonderful school. Everything is going in the right direction, and then, she finds me. Breaks my heart again, and I start missing classes. Then I get myself kicked out for a semister. Parents, make me move back home, back into the middle of everything. This is the Fall of 2000. I was in my third year of college, 68 credit hours, where I was suppose to be. Once I got back into all this crap, almost 5 years has gone by, and I have 102 credit hours, and 2.46 GPA. Somehow I have stayed in school, yet I keep coming apart. It is not that I can’t do the work, when I can focus on my school work, I make all As, but it never fails that my old friend, depression, will come along and win.
So here I am…years later, a shell of the man I was. Everyday is the same…pointless. All my plans and goals are still there, yet just a little too high. I build a little ladder, grap one, and try for another, just to fall back down again. I am full of pain and anger. Yet with no opinions. I have been on meds for 2 years now. Tried almost everything, but in the end, no matter how hard I try, depression always wins. I have tried to reason my way out. Almost everything can be solved if u try hard enough. It is in my nature being a dual major in Math and Physics, but this is one problem that I can’t solve. The sad thing is, I want to live. I have seen so may people throw everything way on drugs and stuff. I know people who have been through all kinds of crazy stuff, and can look and smile at u. I can’t. My best friend, just got out of jail, after 6 years. After everything he has been through crack and jail, he is happy to be here, yet I sit next to him, and can bearly even laugh with him…I guess I am starting to just go on without a purpose, but that is kind of the problem…it is how I feel.
I am losing hope that I will ever be better. I have some good days, but the thoughts of all the things that I have lost over the past few years is unbearable. So much time, just wasted..Last night, I was so close to death. I was mad because I past my exgirlfriend on her way to her to his house. I lay in my bed, alone on another holiday. The only thing that stopped me this time, is my love for my dog, believe it or not. It is sad, but I love that dog so much… Anyways, it is like I look at life. I am closer now to getting back on track than I have been in years.. I am doing good in school for the first time in the longest. Might finish, soon… Yet, the grey cloud is still there. I want a life again. I want a family, yet I drive every person away, becasue I can’t open up any more.. All this, and I still have not really made a point.. I could have really answer the question in one sentence, but it was good to vent a little…
Depression is like a meth addiction, only 6% of the people ever overcome it to live a normal life.
Comment by Ben — 7/6/2004 @ 12:37 am
Well, I haven’t been diagnosed yet, but I am certain I have depression. I am getting married in Oct., just bought a new house, a new puppy, and even got a raise at my job. However, I feel as though I am being haunted (or hunted, rather?). I feel undeserving of marrying this wonderful and can’t help dwelling on some of the “terrible mistakes” I’ve made in the past and in our relationship. I feel like everyone will be at the wedding thinking, “What a joke!” I feel guilty for even laughing nowadays. I immediately remind myself that I’m not allowed to be happy. Then, I cry, longing for the innocence I feel as though I’ve lost forever. Sometimes, I almost feel like a perfectionist…like I can’t get married unless I can go back and erase the bumps in our relationship. I also feel like I’m looking for a reason for my life to fall apart. Maybe I’d be happier alone…it’s ironic because I’m lonely, but too intimidated to contact the friends I’ve lost touch with. It’s a scary, out-of-control feeling…
Comment by Mac — 7/6/2004 @ 7:16 pm
I was once happy, confident and had a great girlfriend (the type you wait your life for), and this bastard depression slipped slowly back into my head. Changed all my thoughts to negative ones, clouded my memories so that I couldn’t reach them, stolen my smile and replaced it with emptiness and hid my common sense. I’m just an empty shell now.
There is very little information about this illness, unless you research it yourself on the internet. I never knew waking up at 4am in the morning was a sign of depression, or losing interest in something you enjoyed was depression creeping back into your head.
I would love to feel “normal” again, or to give my depression away to my ex-partner as she never took the time to understand what a depressed person feels so she could experience the emptiness for 24 hours. How can a “normal” person relate to this illness, when getting out of bed is a struggle. When there is no enjoyment in life – not even from a bright sunny morning or the smell of flowers. I can’t remember the last time I smiled, or when I felt happy in myself.
Normal people don’t want to be around depressed people because it brings them down. I’ll remind them of that if I see one of them drowning and I’ll say “Don’t bother me, your spoiling my day”. We are drowning – not in our self pity, but from an illness that is inside our head.
There is nothing on this earth that can be as bad as losing yourself in your mind. The mind is a powerful organ and great when it’s working, but when it flips out, you can be thrown into hell on earth until you can find a way out.
Comment by why_me — 7/8/2004 @ 12:04 pm
I remember reading somewhere that “Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds
resources for coping with pain.” And I completely agree. I haven’t had much experience with depression, or with those who have it (my mom takes anti-depressants for her SAD, and I haven’t been diagnosed), but I do know that for the past three years, six months, and a couple weeks, I have felt hopeless, like I’m drowning, and that I have no reason to be here.
I grew up in a nice home, despite the fact that my very first memory is of my parents fighting when I was six-months old, and that they divorced when I was 5. I was never abused, my parents aren’t alcoholics or drug-users, I guess you could say my house was picture perfect, besides the divorce.
I have never touched alcohol or drugs, not even tylonol, and that could be partially because I’m a social reject, (I can count my friends and alliances on both hands), and I have been called names, poked fun at, and generally been tortured throughout all my years at school, yet, this still isn’t the reason for my self-diagnosed depression.
The real reason is love. That’s what put me over the edge, sent me into the abyss, destroyed my life. I know it sounds stupid, and why should love cause all my problems, and I agree, since I have never dated anyone, nevermind the one that I fell in love with.
Three years, six months, and a few weeks ago, when I was in grade 8, one of my best friends started dating one of my other good guy friends. She technically wasn’t allowed to date, so she invited me along on their first date to provide the cover of friends hanging out. It was during that date, their first of many, that I realized how I felt about my good guy friend. He was sweet, caring, sensitive, not to mention fairly good-looking. I was head-over-heels after about ten minutes into their date.
Since he was one of my good friends, and dating one of my best friends, I couldn’t say a thing about how I felt. I repressed my feelings until they were in a little ball inside my heart. Eventually, about a month before the two broke up, I managed to tell my girl friend that I had a crush on her boyfriend, which wasn’t uncommon, since I developed a crush on her last boyfriend too, we thought it was like a running joke between us.
I wasn’t able to tell her how I really felt though, and we never mentioned again. Then the two broke up and a few months later, me and my girl friend stopped being friends.
And I was still in love.
I found this fact hard to comprehend, since when I had developed a strong crush on her last boyfriend, it had stopped after a few months. I thought maybe it was because I was friends with him that I still liked him.
After a few months, I just couldn’t take the pain anymore. I would see him everyday at school, and I couldn’t be anything more than a friend to him, and even that was on the rocks for a while when we both became really busy. Anyways, the pain would cause me to just stare at my ceiling for hours on end at night, or to create daydreams where him and I were together, and were happy. I began to just ask God to take this pain away, to help me get over him. The pain went away, but so did everything else. I felt nothing, I was an empty shell. Whenever I looked happy, I was really wondering why I was smiling, there was nothing to smile about.
Grade 10 rolled around and my love moved to a trailer in the trailer park where I delivered newspapers. I began to see him on Saturdays, but that too stopped quickly. He would tell me to knock on his door whenever I delivered the paper, but I was too scared of seeing him, too scared of facing my pain again, so I never knocked.
Another thing around this time, was that my bestest best girl friend moved to Mexico for 8 months, and then up to a town 6 hours away from mine. I was devastated, now I had no one.
I found other friends, and kept in touch with my best friend, but I never really felt whole.
Last September was when I really started to get scared. Everytime I heard of my love getting a new girlfriend, I would become jealous. But, of course, I wasn’t allowed to show my jealousy, so I squashed it down and added it to my ball of pain. Also, I started to recognize that a strong feeling of hate was beginning to grow in me. Hatred for everyone in my school, everyone in my country, everyone in the world. I couldn’t stop the hatred from growing, and so still it grows.
Now here I am, newly appointed grade 12 student, a social reject, completely and utterly in love with someone whom I can’t tell, and also whom I’m going to grad with (Yes, I know, he asked me. It was the one purely happy moment in my life. Which is kind of sad when I think about it.) And also, I’ve begun to realize that we would be completely incompatible as a couple, since we are extremely similar, except for the fact that he’s more popular than I am.
My depression is an ongoing thing, and I’ve definately contemplated suicide…But I have too much ‘good girl’ in me. I get good grades, I read, I don’t rebel at all….I’m sick and tired of it all…And this ‘good girl’ streak in me keeps me from killing myself. Another reason, however, that I don’t commit suicide, is love. Ironic isn’t it? Love makes me want to commit suicide, and love makes me not want to. It’s the same love by the way, love for my friend, for the boy I’m going to grad with as a walking partner, the boy who just recently told me that he actually sees himself and his current girlfriend growing old together and having children.
A knife straight into my heart.
Comment by Jen — 7/9/2004 @ 2:33 am
Depression feels like you are standing on the edge of a cliff trying to decide to jump or step back. You are unable to make the decision. So you stare at the oblivion hoping to see some shred of light, some ray of hopefulness to push you to step back. But there you are on the edge, day after day, week after week, staring.
You feel like the fish out of water, flopping on the shore gasping for breath, waiting for death.
Comment by Susan — 7/9/2004 @ 8:37 pm
I’ve never been diagnosed w/ depression, but when you know you can’t even move w/out feeling empty it’s hit you…yeah i could tell my story …..but they’re all the same stories….it’s a disease that you don’t even know for sure if you have..everyday i wonder what i am or what i’m doing…or if this is even worth dealing w/…..you become distant w/everyone….it hurts to listen to people talk about it…it hurts to listen to music anymore…it’s like this void you just can’t fix…everyday it’s who am i going to hurt becuz i can’t feel any emotion….I CAN’T feel anything in my life i just want it all to end or change…but i’m stuck in the mud..and there’s no one there that understands…am i normal, will i be?!? it’s all questions and no answers..depression is the worst way to live…..
Comment by mysteriousM — 7/10/2004 @ 3:43 am
“Been here before…been there and done that, in the end, it’s all the same…pointless. My life, as I once knew it, is over. What I have left, is something that no one on this earth should ever have to endure on their own. Suicide…the end of all things, is as common to me as every breath of fresh air that I take. I don’t want to die…I only want to escape that which I can no longer stand in opposition to…the deathwish of my own life and the end of everything that the future holds for me. I am a living, walking, breathing statistic toward suicide…just waiting to happen. Tonight…I came home, alone…again. I got high like so many other nights in a feeble attempt to escape the mind numbing pain that I feel each and every waking moment of my life now. The only difference with tonight, is that I actually put the barrel of a .45 colt to the side of my temple. And in my fucked up drug induced stupor, I now know this…I actually pulled the trigger this time, only to realize, much to my sadness, that in my drug influenced trip…I seemingly forgot to load the magazine. Whether this was fate or folly, I know not. But…if there is anyone out there as fucked up as I appear to be, feel free to let me know one way, or the other. It would be nice to hear a voice in the dark…alongside my own.
Posted by Glenat June 27, 2004 03:30 AM ”
Reading what you wrote makes me think that it was me.
I’ve suffered with depression for a long time, and can’t even remember when it started. I smoke cigarette and have become addicted to alcohol(it is the only thing that makes me have good feelings and dreams). I’ve been thinking of ending it, but I don’t have access to a gun. When I was 18, I actually had a strong belief that things would get better. Now I am 23 and completely pathetic. I live my days fantasizing about an alternate universe where I am the opposite of my regular self(great looking, very intelligent, and depression-free). My sister is great and I love her so much. She will do well in life and I am not worried. My parents(they are Portuguese immigrants and grew up in poverty but are now doing well) are a different matter altogether–My mother, like my father, is very un-educated and was never prepared to deal with a someone like me. She uses too much of her energy doing things that don’t help me. My father is a nice man and husband but still an ignorant, workaholic construction work. He hates, and criticizes me because he was raised with no education and a firm back hand. I hate him most of the time because I feel most of my negative genetics(looks/depression) come from him/his family–I can’t help but blame them for almost everything. Suicidal thoughts come into my mind daily. I don’t want to die, but since my mental/physical issues can’t be changed, it is the only way.
I’m not aware if depression if related , but this is a list of other problems I have:
ADHD
Passive-Aggressive
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
Inferiority Complex
Shyness
My looks disgust me. I put cigarettes out on my hands a year ago. Stretch marks on my arms and moles all over my body, big ear lobes and head(my mother’s fault for marrying/breeding with this dumb bastard–My mother and sister share great looks and I have to look like my midget, big head/ear short father) I can’t take it anymore. Short, ugly people should not reproduce!! My mother’s look-alike sister married an tall, dark, handsome and intelligent man. My cousin is 6′2″(unlike my 5′8″), handsome, and intelligent. He’s on his way to a great life with a beautiful girlfriend. I’m on my way to an early grave. Irritation/envy is part of my everyday being.
Comment by Bruno — 7/11/2004 @ 4:38 am
when i dream, i dream of life, i dream of happy times, i dream of lies, each and every night i lay and wonder how things went wrong, i feel cold, empty and alone, the saddest part of it all is that i know im not, i just can seem to hanlde the situation correctly, when im with someone i wish to be alone, and when im alone i want to be near anyone that is willing to listen, and that im willing to open to, the sadness is just to deep, i feel like every passing day gets worse, whem something is finnally taking the “right” turn somthing else comes in and crushes the hope away. ive had faith, ive hanged in there, and tried, still i feel cold, empty and most certainly different, like no one can understand me.
ive been told that im a smart, and a great person, yet it doesnt seem to fit, i dont feel that way and by doing so i dissapoint myself.
so depression is knowing that it could all be different, but knowing still that things wont change.
“i stand alone, in the midst of rain, i stand alone with a heart in pain”
Comment by adrian — 7/12/2004 @ 6:02 am
my heart feels like an open, festering wound and there is heavy pressure like bricks laying on my chest. some kind of strange anxiety is creeping up my back and over my shoulders. i just want to hide. i want to curl up in some black corner where i can block out the world and sleep or die.
the past is pain, guilt, and regret. the present is empty, meaningless. the future hopeless.
i am tired from the minute i wake up until i get back in bed. i am tired even if i sleep all day. i could cry at anytime. the tears are a tight lump in my through that is begging to burst.
Comment by Maya — 7/13/2004 @ 11:55 am
It’s like I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be happy. Every once in a while I’ll feel happy again, for a short time, but it never lasts more than an hour or two, and then it’s right back to being miserable again. It feels like nothing good will ever happen to me, like I am doomed to have one miserable experience after another for all eternity. And I no longer have thoughts of suicide, because I don’t think even death can save me from this misery. If I thought it could, I would surely be dead by now. I just wonder, if there is a god, and if he/she really does love me, where is that love and where are the good things that are supposedly meant for me? I’ve been waiting all my life for good things to finally happen–I’ve worked hard, tried my best to live up to my integrity, tried not to harm others. I’ve been through years of therapy, schooling, healing, church and spiritual endeavors. Yet I cannot get away from the misery. I go through periods of time (usually several months) where I feel like things are starting to look up again, and then suddenly I get hit with unexpected debt, rejection, and abuse all at once and I have to slug through it all at the same time. This happens over and over and over. Will it ever stop? Will my life ever be stable? Will I ever have a family of my own? A partner who treats me with the respect I deserve? Children? Financial stability (at least be able to pay my bills even if I can’t save anything extra)? When I stand up for my right to be treated with respect, I am always alone. Then nobody wants to have anything to do with me. Nobody loves me when I ask for respect. Nobody cares. They could care less if I go to Hell if I’m not meeting their needs to the exclusion of my own. Where is the love?
Comment by Carrie — 7/13/2004 @ 4:22 pm
Depression to me is a constant knowledge of the pointlessness of all things in my life. It’s looking over my future and seeing nothing but bleakness and misery. My whole life is a downward spiral, ever leading me to the same inevitable climax – death, by my own hand.
Depression is sleeping for 14 hours every day, and still having a hard time getting out of bed. It’s those occasional nights when sleep is worlds away, and you sit up in bed, worrying about everything. It’s losing interest in all the video games and books that I used to be so enthralled with, instead spending the day worrying about little things. It’s severing all ties with old friends, and staying away from the parents whenever possible. It’s the lack of hunger, all day long, and having to force myself to eat anything.
Depression is the ultimate cause of uncertainty and indecisiveness, robbing me of the ability to continue with college or work. Depression is breaking into tears over the smallest problems. It’s listening to ear-shattering metal all day at full volume, trying desperately to escape all the pain in my heart. It’s taking a knife to your wrist and pressing it into the skin, sobbing uncontrollably the whole time. It’s the reason why I refuse to believe in God – how could there be a loving, omniscient being watching over me, when I am in such great despair?
Depression, to me, is the ultimate hell on earth, where nothing matters anymore and everything is so terribly wrong. It’s an endless abyss, and in that utter darkness, there is no hope of release. Only death.
Comment by andrew — 7/14/2004 @ 4:43 am
Depression is like going through life straight.
No drugs. Our Serotonin production is screwed up. It’s a shame that we have to have it to get through everyday life. We see things how they really are when we are depressed, I think.
I felt better with Wellburtin, Tileptal (sp) and seroquel, but I recenetly missed some doses (quite a few) and now I feel like I’m getting depressed again. Hopefully not. Maybe I can reverse these symptoms if I get back on the right track.
You can feel better! Hang in there! I mean feel really GOOD!
Comment by Angie — 7/15/2004 @ 3:07 pm
The past few days have been especially bad. I feel like there is a hole in my chest where my heart has been ripped out. The rest of my body is numb. I cry non-stop when I’m not at work. All food tastes bland to me, so I don’t feel like eating. I can’t even sleep at night, but I still have to get up to go to work the next day. I’m about to get fired because I can’t concentrate enough to do the work, and it’s been like this for two months. The pain was so horrible last night I just wanted it to stop, I wanted to stop it any way I could. But I decided to get help before I did something drastic, so I called my friend and asked if I could spend the night. I just could not make it through the night alone. That really helped, at least for the night.
Comment by Crowdreamer — 7/16/2004 @ 1:41 am
Hello, I’ve been reading alot of this submisions, and feel your pain. I’ve delt with depression on and off as long as I can remember. I’m also an artist/musician working alone in my studio in a spair bedroom,no I’m not famous at all thats for sure, but anyway I mention this because I feel many artists suffer from depression because of the intense overly sensitive creatures we are. Anyway after my last episode I told myself I was going to study what is happening to me. REALLY. Soon after the ball was rollin and goin down, that study soon disappeared into the abyss. I felt like dying, no real problems in my life, no responsabilities other than the regular shit, in debt, yes, but able to stick it out. This is what I gathered, it may not apply to you, but I KNOW ITS TRUE, and so do you and you know it. !. Look at yourself. We have real problems and the problems that get blown out of contol in our heads. These problems get so big that we start to melt and the body reacts, (our minds). We also have different brain chemistry. We also help this process I believe by negative reinforcement. Somewhere in our heads we beat ourselves up, subconsciously, the body does what its told. Some of us cant control this because it happens so much, in little or big amounts that we are suddenly cursed. I’ve had panic attacks, not so much anymore, but at first, if you think depression is a downer, holy crap!! Under huge subconscious stress the body chemistry and brain freak out to defend it self== passing out , complete terror, feeling like your heart is goona explode, turning white like bugs bunny when the cartoon plane was goona crash and he could not stop it. People nock the medication, It worked well for me, I stopped 2 yrs ago, might consiter it, but goona try to tough it out.Now all of youi thinking about killing yourself, dont, I know I’ve thought about it NO.
Try the meds, If you dont try them yo0u are obviously self perpetuating the situation. These drugs had no side effect on me, I thought they would dull my creativity, no. Any side effect is nothing compared to driving yourself crazy. AND that is what we are doing, we are not as fortunate as others, we have to work harder, and by doing that I believe we are usually the most interesting people, we think and think all the time, we burn out, chemistry off, we crash and get numb.For all of you who are allways down, please try the meds,NO MONEY!!!, they WILL work with you, and they wil help. If you listen to the others here who say it did not work its because they have other unresolved issues and enjoy bieng down, they become use to it, and the already suseptible person reinforces this terrible curse. STUCK. we are all beautiful, life is what you make it, I know you feel bad now but if you commit it, any way out, budism, excesise, meds, therapy, whatever you will get through this, seems so far away, we will be free. We will probably have to fight this the rest of our lives, lets get strong, and enough of this DEATH.
Comment by Dan — 7/16/2004 @ 11:09 pm
I’d like to add another thing about the meds. When I started to take them,A friend who had taken them before wisely told me to let the meds give your head a break, when the meds start to lift your spirits (can take a few weeks) try to appreciate and learn. It gives you a chance to retrain your mind. Feelling bad is what it is use to, dont give it any more help. there is a very good chance that you wont even notice the effects of the meds except that some wieght has been lifted. You can still feel down, but things just seem to roll off you easier, and you begin to enjoy the aftermath of otherwise erritating situations. Retrain your mind, the meds can help. Please talk to any doctor, and he can help. We are all beautiful.
Comment by Dan — 7/16/2004 @ 11:24 pm
Depression feels like all the happiness has drained out of you, life is dull, grey meaningless. You dont enjoy anything, even things which you used to love.
You are in a little bubble of sadness, you can see through the window happy normal people but you cant get there, you just cant make yourself be happy again.
Its a life of coping, keeping going for other special people in your life in the hope that one day you will be better.
A quote by Abraham Lincoln I think sums the feelings up exactly: “I am now the most miserable man living. If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would not be one cheerful face on the earth. Whether I shall ever be better I can not tell; I awfully forebode I shall not. To remain as I am is impossible; I must die or be better, it appears to me”.
Comment by Tim — 7/18/2004 @ 6:25 pm
I just wish I could get the voice of family criticism out of my head. every time I see them they refresh it so that I never forget that in some way I am faulty to them. Im not doing something/anything right. Funny thing is, I am doing fine. Often better than they are. But listening to this my whole life, im the bad guy, has just dragged me down. I’ve had thoughts of suicide for 15 years plus! It even brought me here. I have tried to explain to them I dont think the way they do, I cant get a word in. I can give in or I can fight. So far Im fighting.
I know one thing that is free and might help. exercise. go walk/run/cycle somewhere, breath the air, (hug a tree if you have to!
and build yourself. it does buy me time and my body then my mind appreciates it.
dont let the b******s grind you down.
good luck
xo
c.r.
Comment by C.R. — 7/25/2004 @ 7:12 am
Depression is an awful creature that crawls into your inner space and if you allow it making a home. Sometimes when the clouds part for just a while and you forget the creature he is always there reminding you not to forget him. Locking the door of the creature only stablizes his comfort and he nestles down deep in your soul. The years have passed as I have tried to unlock the door to free this creature but nothing seems to work. I find now that acknowledging his existance takes away the surprise factor that he loves to use. I acknowledge every day that I must fight this demon and not allow him the power. I surround myself with healthy alternatives and laughter. I cannot be around other depressed people for the creature feeds on this. I understand what he needs for nourishment and I must use the opposite to exist peacefully and happily.
Comment by shelly — 7/27/2004 @ 12:02 pm
depression for me is like feeling of no hope and no one cares. going to work has become hard for me. lack of energy to do any thing. i find myself at times where i dont like to be around my family and friends. i stay at home a lot. i think of suicide at times is there any medications that can help me. for who ever reads this . thanks for your help.
Comment by brent simpson — 7/27/2004 @ 8:22 pm
depression really is so indescribable but ill try. it feels like someone close to you has died but you dont know who it is. you feel like all the things that make you feel at home and that you love feel alien… its like going to a foreign country with a map you cant even understand and you feel so lost and stuck. its so lonely and even if there are people around, you feel so alone. it gets tiring and confusing, and nothing goes right…..
Comment by jiggs — 7/29/2004 @ 9:43 am
I can relate to a lot of this. I constantly feel like I’m messing everything thing up. Like everything I do is a mistake. I don’t do much because I feel, either like I don’t want to bother, or like if I do I’ll just make a mess of it anyway. My current relationship is crumbling and I feel it’s all my fault. I have a councling apointment today, I’m going to ask about medication. If I don’t do something, anything, I’ll just fall apart.
Comment by D. Alan Cassidy — 7/29/2004 @ 11:08 am
Starting from the inside,to the inside out
Filtering the sunlight,fade to dark
No Heat,in a burning Sun
A robber,who took the light
then Nothing
michael(of fishes)
Comment by Michael — 7/30/2004 @ 12:00 am
I am 32 now and have been depressed for probably about 12 years now. There really have been no good or happy moments in those years, and I honestly mean it. There are moments of less pain, moments of satisfaction with my work and efforts, but never happiness.
I had a girlfriend in high school who I really was pretty crazy about. She was a grade younger than me so I started college a year ahead of her. It really seemed mutual, that there was something truly unique between us, and perhaps such a thing as “true love” existed. Late night conversations till 4am when we both had class the next day about anything and everything, daily phone calls, etc.
Well it was pretty good thru high school. Then we both went to different colleges in the same state. Finally, after about 10000 clues and 6-12 months of downhill days in our relationship with me trying to put things back together she just breaks up with me. This was my sophomore year.
My attitude toward life changed. True love no longer existed and could never exist. I thought I felt it but really was just deceived and played for a sucker the whole time. On top of breaking up with me she decides to rub about 50 different personal things in my face on the way out. Really a mean spirited breakup, like you aren’t good enough as a boyfriend and by the way I’m going to do my absolute best to make you feel as bad as I can on the way out.
My view on human nature was forever changed. Someone who you put that kind of trust in to turn on you and become a bitter enemy for no reason. I had other girls who I dated later on in college, who would probably have been perfect under other circumstances but emotionally I had next to nothing to offer. I started doing drugs and hanging out with a bad crowd. I still got my work done and made decent grades, but I was heading down the wrong path.
I went from being the quintessential “nice guy”, good manners, polite, everyones friend, the person who might even get walked on a little bit because hes so good natured, but still gets up smiling the next day. To a person with a serious meanstreak.
Then after college I moved to NYC and tried to cover up my personal stuff with some serious ambition, i.e. throw myself into my work. My old girlfriend called me out of the blue I don’t even know how she knew I was there. It ended up that I think she just wanted to taunt me and made a point of telling me how many guys she had
been with in college after breaking up with me. Well, I still cared for her at that point, and it was another blow in the face.
My best friends all turned on me later as well. I don’t know if it was post-college jealousy or competition over careers or what, but I was AMAZED at how nasty lifelong friends from 2nd and 3rd grade through college could be to me. These were my best friends thru thick and thin, and turned into my worst enemies. I think about my girlfriend daily, and I think about my best friends who betrayed me daily. It is utterly impossible to be positive and look forward to meeting people now. The hatred and bitterness I feel for these old people burns in me every day. Most people look forward to things in life they enjoy but I look forward to seeing these people suffer for what they have done to me, that would give me satisfaction. My work is in research departments which is pretty isolating, and I never get to meet anyone. I hate my life and I hate the people who ruined it, I would like to see them suffer and experience true misery without end like I have. You would like to think that 5-12 years later after this stuff I would be over it but instead of me getting over it, it is more like this stuff has changed me permanently.
Comment by Michael — 7/30/2004 @ 10:13 pm
ever since I was a child I have been put down. I have been told that I am stupid, ugly, fat what have you. I have no recollection of most of my childhood except what my mother and sisters have told me. What I do remember haunts me beacuse it’s all the demeaning things that have been said to me. Now that I am older it hasn’t gotten any better I am still put down by my family. No matter what I set out to do they expect me to fail. In my head all that I hear is them at my ear saying it will ever work and I will never accomplish whatever task I am setting out to do. And you know what, I don’t, I fail at everything that I do. Throughout my whole life I have felt worthless and incompetent.I have never in my life felt happy completely. I am in a downward fall that never seems to end just keeps getting worse on the way down. Its not enough just to keep falling into oblivion but lets have her bash her head on some rocks and have branches stab her in the gut and poke her in the eye. As I fall bleeding it never seems enough. One thing after another. I have a few days when things seem to be ok, but it doesn’t last. Because for every one good thing that happens to me about five bad things follow. I have no friends, no one to turn to. I have been battling these feelings for more years than i care to count. I have many suicidal thoughts but never went through with them. I would probably fail at that to. I need help and have nowhere to go. My family thinks that if I home with them everything will get better and my bad feelings will go away. Please help, I am going out of mind with loneliness and despair.
Comment by Amalea — 7/30/2004 @ 10:35 pm
I found myself alternately crying and nodding in agreement with all of your different postings. I wish, just for once, my friends and family could walk in my shoes and understand how miserable and worthless this disease can make you feel. No one seems to “get it” though. I have every reason to feel happy and blessed. I recently graduated from college and have plans to attend law school in August, but instead of planning for law school all I can think about are ways to kill myself. People all the time tell me I’m beautiful, but when I look in the mirror, all I see are flaws. Every relationship I’m in I ruin because I never believe a man could really love me if he knew how fucked up my head is. I always think men only want me for sex and if they could only see how much more I have to offer, they just might love me. I hate my life. I can’t tell anyone how I feel because everyone views me as the strong one, the one who is going to be successful and have a great life. If they only knew how much time I spend on the internet researching ways to kill
myself and mentally planning the note I will write to my parents. I think I have decided to pull my car into the garage and turn on the engine. I’m so scared to die, but sometimes I’m more afraid of living. Why are we like this? I’m never happy for long, the only thing that provides solace is alcohol. I keep thinking that one night I will just get really obliterated and then I’ll finally be able to start the engine in the garage and go to sleep forever. I will pray that God will get us all through one more night. Bless you all!
Comment by Dana — 7/31/2004 @ 12:23 am
As someone said earlier its all the same stuff! I am here with all of you, but our stories do differ alot. I wouldn’t say that I thought of killing myself, but I did want to roll into a ball and just die. This is my short story
It all started when I was prego lol I wanted to just go away I thought it would be ever for everyone. Then my daughter was born, and a feeling came over me and I remember telling my mother that I can do this I can be a good mama. Then at the end of June (almost 4 yrs later) it came back like a nightmare. I was terrible didnt want to be around my daughter I had this aweful anger at her. I didnt understand why? I love her so very much. I went to the doctor and they switched my meds up started seeing a counceler(?) and I feel that things are starting to get back to normal. People always compared me to the nun on sister act always happy always bubblely, but I dont feel like that anymore. My favorite saying is FOOTPRINTS “When there is only on set of footprints God is carring you” and thats how I feel right know he is carring me. I do not go to church, but I believe that I will get better soon. I have tried meditating and listening to severl self esteem tapes and we are worth it!!
Comment by Samantha — 8/1/2004 @ 8:45 pm
depression for me is loneliness. absolute loneliness and hurt. it is like there is no one there for me. i met a guy on the john butler trio website and he was the best thing ever. but i got scared it would turn against me like everything has a tendancy to do and i pushed him away and in doing so i hurt myself as well. because i was alone again. he was a guy and i thought he would treat me like sh*t like every other guy does.
i feel like i can trust no one. everyone i have loved and cared for hurts me. everyone. my family, my friends, my boyfriends.
i used to be loud and obnoxios, then i had some really bad experiences. and after that, i changed. i became quiet, shy, let people walk all over me. they still do. everyone takes me for granted.
i began to cut myself. i took a razor blade around with me everywhere. the teachers nearly called my parents. i got more and more lost and alone. i tried to kill myself four times. and i was deadly serious. i cried myself to sleep. i cut myself everyday. i burnt myself, i scratched myself, i bruised myself. i did anything that hurt. and began to lose a lot of weight and began to develop an eating disorder. my parents began to worry about me and because they were scared, they were harsh on me. they yelled. they threatened. and of course that made it worse. i hardly slept, i nearly failed my year. i was a mess.
i began to drink a lot, going to parties i wasnt meant to so of course guys would try do things to me because i was so off my head. it it brought back all the memories of my bad experiences. i got worse and worse.
and because my eating was so bad, my iron levels went down. i became anaemic. and becasue i was anaemic, i began to bleed constantly. i bleed for five weeks and two days. so mum took to the doctor and the doctor put me on the pill. i had a bit of trouble with the pill but i finally settled down and my weight piled back on. i’m not fat (though a little voice in my head tells me i am) i used to be ten kilos underweight but now i am two kilos overweight. i put on twelve kilos in two months.
im no better than what i was. but i am still hanging in here and it has really helped to read all the experiences on this site. it makes me feel not so alone. i can relate to this stuff.
all the people on this site, thankyou for sharing such personal things with people like me. and i want you to know, that i will be here if anyone needs me and we can look out for each other. because i can understand what it feels like to be utterly alone. so im here k?
Comment by rhia — 8/2/2004 @ 12:55 am
For the past 2 months I have been severely depressed. At first it was just grief over the loss of a boyfriend who was essentially my ideal, my life, everything to me. From the start it was horrible. The day he broke up with me, i threw up about 15 times and couldn’t sleep. The next few weeks, I had no appetite, continuously vomited and was put into the emergency room hooked up to an IV because I lost so much fluid. Eating a small peach during that time would take hours- LITERALLY… i had a bowl of dried cheerios that I attempted to eat for days. I just couldn’t get myself to eat, and within a month, i had lost 10 pounds. I also became anemic because of this. I wanted to kill myself badly. If I had a gun on me at only point within these past 2 months I would have easily shot myself. I made due with suicide websites which disgusted me. While I really wanted to die, just reading them pissed me off. I didn’t want to relate to “those” people. I felt above them in a way yet at the same time had death constantly on my mind because I saw myself as constantly miserable without hope. I mean… depression isn’t seeing life as LIVING, its seeing life as a struggle to get by each day. its a form of misery where your mind is preoccupied constantly with anxiety, thoughts of how great my ex was- good “bad” memories, thoughts of how much i hate my life, how unfair it is, how each day is pointless/futile/worthless. I avoided everyone, was irritable to my parents. This entire 2 month period, I have done basically nothing but sulk in the house, hanging out with people only TWICE. You never want to do anything because nothing is fun anymore. Its hell. Looking at a suicide website with the desire to die is the worst possible feeling there is. My life was so shitty I wanted to drop out of college and just remain co-dependent on my parents forever because I felt like i’d never get the will to do anything ever again. The only thing that helped was reading about depression. I gave anti-depressents maybe 2 weeks and decided they weren’t helping. I tried therapy maybe twice. I hear cognitive therapy helps but the only thing that helped me was reading this website http://www.clinical-depression.co.uk/Understanding_Depression/understanding.htm just understand what depression is, what causes those feelings, what i had to do to change about my thinking. this is honestly the only thing that helped in the long-term. i tried a stupid self-help book. it helped ONE day. just believe me, i wanted to die more than anything and now i feel fine. i realize that my anxiety was just a bad trick of my mind, that everything was. please just read that site. understand the science of whats wrong. infact bury yourself in science. it helps to understand things more than anything.
Comment by Stephanie — 8/2/2004 @ 4:49 am
http://www.clinical-depression.co.uk/Understanding_Depression/understanding.htm
if that doesn’t work, type on google “depression learning path” and be sure to read “understanding depression” because dude, this site is seriously the only thing that helped me. EVERYTHING ELSE IS BULLSH*T. you gotta learn to change the way you think and you need to understand the science behind depression. It isn’t about screwed up brain chemistry- its affected by worrying/built up anxiety which affects our REM sleep turning it into a vicious, preventable cycle. PLEASE READ THAT SITE. it changed my life. I know what you are all going through- depression has hit me on and off again in my life for the past 3 years and these last 2 months have almost killed me until i read it.
Comment by Stephanie — 8/2/2004 @ 5:26 am
Depression is like a glass cage, but you’re locked outside rather than inside.
You’re in the darkness, watching the people in the light, all smiling and happy… all carrying on their lives without you. No matter what you do, you know that you can never touch them.
You can mouth words to them, but they would never hear you. You can scream and sob and tear out your hair, but there’s no way they can get to you.
They just touch the glass, confused, and move on with their lives. So you cry. You cry a lot… and feel a crushing within you. Locked outside of the little glass cage.
Three months ago, I chose life instead of suicide. Please, I’m begging you to do the same. Our world needs survivors. If you were here right now, we’d talk, straight from the heart. I’d let you get everything off of your chest. But since we can’t do that, please get help. Do whatever it takes, just tell someone. There are anonymous help lines out there; they worked wonders for me, and got many people through some bad episodes.
We know that it’s hard, but you ARE strong, for carrying on this long. Please choose life.
Comment by Anonymous — 8/2/2004 @ 11:57 pm
I have been unhappy all my life, even in childhood. 12 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression and was very critical. I have since had so many ups and downs and so tired of it. I was just diagnosed as Bipolar but not very optomistic that the new med will help. I just broke off a relationship and I feel dead on the inside because we both made a connection with each other that has never been made before with anyone else. He wasn’t willing to give much. For the past 3 weeks I have been hiding under my covers never wanting to come out and keep thinking about all the ups and downs and how sick of it Iam. I do think about suicide. I’m tired of life and really don’t want to be a part of it anymore. I would like to know what it’s like to be normal and truly joyful. I have never felt truly loved by anyone. In relationships I get all the jerks. I’m so damn tired of it all!!!!
Comment by lisa — 8/3/2004 @ 7:43 pm
Detachment. No emotions,I don’t care, it’s cold and calculating. I know what I have to do to change things and don’t even want to. I regret not pulling the trigger six years ago. Right now if I had it to do over the back of my head would be a wet spot on the wall. Yes I’m going through it as I write this. It’s hit hard over the last week. I’m 42 and I’ve done all the things you’re supposed to do. I’ve been persistent in following my dreams for eighteen years. It cost me the love of my life, but I stayed true to myself. Has the persistence paid off? Not a chance. I have to wonder sometimes why I’m even here. I was a mistake anyway. I really don’t feel anything, it’s like I’m not even here.
Comment by John — 8/5/2004 @ 6:35 am
It started when i entered high school. Everything was fine before;i had a perfect life up until 9th grade. Well, not really perfect but… enjoyable- almost everyday!. It actually started in 8th grade when i felt like everyone was changing, but for some reason i wasnt changing with them. By changing,i mean overall change- all ways but physical.I think i was supossec to…i mean, thats a part of growing up right? But i didnt. It was only when i experienced the way life REALLY is in high school that i did. I felt stupid, left out, naive. It was like everyone else was maturing and i was still a little kid, totally not ready for high school. I couldn’t write,(i used to be a good writer)and my vocabulary was fuckin’ horrible, i didnt know how to express myself at all. But worst of all, my best friend-my other half,my confidant,my bestest buddy ever whom i’ve known since 2nd grade, was slipping away from me too. She was suddenly into boys ALOT and wearing tight jeans and becoming more and more popular.We were so not like that, like everybody else. Yeah thats normal i guess,but it didnt seem so then.I was so heartbroken. It felt like i was being stabbed in the back, like she was leaving me, like she died and i could never communicate with her again.For the 2nd semester in 8th grade,i started to get really sad. I cried all the time, i hated everybody,and i couldnt talk;i couldnt say a single sentence without using the word “like” a million times and getting frustrated.
I didnt understand what the hell was going on.Going to high school was about the only thing i was optimistic about;i didnt like that it was an all girls school, but i was excited to be going there. I thought that it would all go away when i got to high school but i was so wrong. When i got there, i didnt fit in at all. Everyone was so unlike me and the girls hated me. They were and still are disgusted by me. I dont know why though,i was a normal kid.They pushed me around and said nasty things to me, all of them except for the few friendly associates that i had.I started to become socially paranoid and anxious.I could no longer ride public transportation, i took cabs everywhere. I thought people were talking about me all the time even outside of school because i was so used to it.The pain that i suffered through that first horrific year there alone shouldve been enough for me not to experience ANY pain for the rest of my life. I was so helpless and depressed. It all happened so fast,i didnt even know what the hell depression was before i started searching online for crisis hotline numbers.
For a while i was in a state of numbness.I wanted to die but i knew i couldnt. I knew that God would help me through it but for that year and 2 years after, I felt completely forsaken. I had absolutely NO ONE. Family, friends- no one understood.Countless nights i would listen to my favorite music and fantasize about living a normal teenagers life and cry uncontrollably after, tugging at my clothes and rolling around on the floor untill the cd stopped;thats when i would lay on the floor in the twisted position in which i stopped rolling for hours until parts of my body hurt because they were so numb.
I’m still there. I’m still very depressed and lonely. Still no one understands,but i have the Lords guidance and you guys to talk to. I’m so happy that i am not alone. Trust in the Lord and He shall guide you and help you through life’s obstacles. Remember… depression is an obstacle that we must fight to overcome. We can do it!
Thanx. God Bless
Comment by phil — 8/5/2004 @ 11:38 am
I feel like I am dying, both physically and psychologically. My entire body and psyche is filled with tormenting pain — so much so that I MUST DO SOMETHING to numb it. My brain feels like its trying to kill me. I am hopeless and helpless. I am dead… a walking zombie with neither a soul or physical body. I am like the clothes hung out on the clothes line flapping violently in the wind — with no direction, just clothes, empty and worn, without a body to fill them.
My speech and movements are slowed to a snails pace, I stare in one place for moments to hours. I take to my bed as if it is my coffin.
I do little, if anything, to live. I have no desire/energy to get out of bed, eat, take care of my needs like do laundry, put water in my dog’s bowl, cut the grass, answer the phone, use the bathroom (except when it is ABSOLUTELY necessary), bathe, and so on. There are many times that I tell myself, “Okay, on the count of 3, get up off the couch and go put the dishes in the dishwasher. One… Two… Three…” And, there I sit, my body fails to respond and I continue to sit and stare into outer space with the berating thoughts of “what the hell is wrong with you?” “why can’t you do a simple task like put one dish in the dishwater?”
Sometimes I want, and have, hid in the closet with the door shut stabbing myself with the end of a wire hanger while I scream and cry my guts out. My one dog was very confused by my behavior the first time she saw me do this. She kept pawing at the closet door to get at me. I held the door shut so she couldn’t open the door.
When the voices start, they scream inside my entire being “Doesn’t any body get it? I am hurting here! Is any body listening? Does any body give a fuck?” I need some comfort here and everyone turns their back on me and walks away. Ahh, but when they need comfort and support — it is my job to help them. All of this makes my head hurt and the room feel like its spinning.
The toil continues. This dis-ease is cunning, baffeling, and powerful.
Today, I suffer from suicidal obsession — my therapist says its my way of trying to deal with my pain. Going to a psych unit in a hospital does me no good — its only a place of containment. So I’ll have to cope any way I know how — finding this web site has helped.
Comment by Karen — 8/5/2004 @ 9:36 pm
My heart is dying. I want to cry, but I can’t anymore. My tears are no more. Will this ever stop?
Comment by Pam — 8/9/2004 @ 11:24 am
I feel as if I’m caught in a whirlpool. Constantly spinning faster and spiralling downward. I can’t escape. When that happens, I drink. It stops the spinning for a few days, then it starts again, even faster. I stop pretending and go into the darkness. So far there has always been someone there to pull me out.
Comment by Charlotte — 8/9/2004 @ 2:02 pm
i always feel like everyone hates me, i can never do anything right, i am selfcontious. everyone says i am too pretty to be a ‘grouch’, and i need to smile more. but i don’t really think there is a reason to be happy, and i don’t think i am pretty but i have at least 7 or 8 guys that ask me out and they are all my friends. i have even cut myself acouple times, i know it is bad but when i did it i felt so good, and i am also on the verge of being anorexic. i just can’t help it i just get so upset that i don’t want to eat. i am trying to get help but can’t be on antidepressents because i am 15 an most of them could more suicidal actions. its like im in a tweilight zone kinda thing, everyone around me are all happy and im just not and it feels like i don’t belong.
Comment by liz — 8/9/2004 @ 3:50 pm
Imagine walking down the middle of the street with traffic coming at you
from both sides. The colors of the cars are blurred and blend together. The sun
is out, but not bright and seems almost as if a tinted pane of glass covers it.
Sometimes you are walking blankly toward the fast oncoming traffic, as if you
don’t even notice it is there. Other times you are paralyzed by enormous fear
that everything coming at you is a threat. The adrenaline is pouring out into
your body causing you to fight back, freeze, or run for cover. This is the state
I spent the last three years going in and out of. I had a million excuses for
why I felt this way, and why I could never seem to snap out of it. All of these
were valid, tragic and stressful, but it would go on too long. I keep thinking
when I get through this or that I will be better. I kept believing that it is
just around the corner, but it is always, just out of reach. Most of the time it
is as if there is a glass wall between the world and me and I couldn’t break the
glass.
Comment by wendy — 8/9/2004 @ 5:14 pm
Depression feels like a slow but consuming malignant form of emotional cancer that has eluded healing or any long lasting typical treatments–the love of a parent, a spouse/significant other, the pursuit of pleasure, a career’s pinnacle of success, the love of God, a caring community of friends/church/support groups, medication, exercise, psychotherapy, counseling, kicking your dog, kicking your neighbor’s 3am barking fucking dog, graduations, travel, new experiences, yes even great food, sex and that one true love if you’ve ever been as bold enough to say you honestly know what true love truly is,….
But enough of that, what about me? I just realized in the last 7 days that my suicidal dreams could not be cured even by having enough—money, importance, love, accomplishment, etc. And that is really depressing. I am stuck with myself and worst of it, my past hurts and mistakes that have impacted others. Suicidal tendency runs in families, I believe. My father was 38, I was 12, when he O.D’d on tranquilizers for his schizophrenia. Now I am 38. I cut my wrists 6 months and woke up unable to stand but I didn’t bleed enough—probably was that fucking cold cement garage floor. And yada yada, psych ward 9 days, outpatient counseling 3 weeks, yada yada, wife changes locks on our house door and we live in separate states now, and on it goes. Does the ride of depression begin before or after you get on? Is it the ticket of failure that gets you a seat or is it the sheer maddening helljoy once the ride is over? For me, it’s failure. I miss my “other” life I may I have had, had I not been who I am—I always wanted what I really never had–to be a husband and father that said “I love you” to his wife and kids. Who’d be there to provide, guide and encourage. Instead I have become what I had—alcoholic, addiction oriented, fiancially, morally, spiritually irresponsbile, hopelessly romantic, flawlessly bored with my shortcomings and ready to sacrifice my life for the one great love of my life, Beth, my wife of 9 years this September. I want her to have a second chance at life and love. To have children. To travel to Italy. To not worry financially….I want to get it right this time around but when is it ever the right time or place to end your life for another? Especially when you are not particularly brave like me. Or have God guilt about hell and suicide….that sort of thing.
Comment by Sean — 8/11/2004 @ 12:58 am
No, I don’t have depression, but my partner does. I can’t seem to make her understand how much I care for her and that I want to help – or maybe she doesn’t care that I care. I really don’t know. I want to help. It hurts me to see her in so much pain and know that I can do nothing to ease it. I want to spend my life with her, but she feels that she would just pull me down with her.
Is there nothing I can do? She has tried every kind of medication there is out there, and those all seem to make her feel like she is going crazy.
I know there actually is nothing anyone can do about this, and I know there is no cure for what my baby has. Rhetorical question, I guess, but I ask myself that over and over.
Thanks for listening. Thanks for this site.
Comment by Joe Pool — 8/11/2004 @ 5:12 pm
my 51st year is coming soon. for only what seem to be fleeting moments have i felt i “belonged” here. things you care about get taken away so often you end up not wanting anything anymore. even dying offers no relief or hope. there is a constant reminder that everyone else came equipped with something you lack. there is a constant stream of hostility and disappointment one sees in people’s attitude toward you.
Comment by thecloroxcowboy — 8/11/2004 @ 8:52 pm
The people out there that do not have the contant sad and low feelings that I and most depressed people have are so lucky. Wouldn’t it be nice for one year out of your life to feel happy, yes still have normal stress but feel happy. Those people out there that do are so lucky. I wish I could walk in their shoes for one year of my life. Then they could walk in mine and see how lucky they really are.
Comment by ANGIE — 8/13/2004 @ 3:16 am
it feel like im nothing
Comment by tina — 8/13/2004 @ 10:58 pm
when i think of a depressed person i think of me cos thats all i feel, i feel so alone and sad all the time. ive been cutting myself on and off for bout 2/3 yrs but its got worse this past yr. i been drinking alot i also got into drugs at one point but havnt done that for bout a month now. everything good that happens to me seems to get messed up and its all my fault, im stupid and ruin everything which means i feel even more alone. i dont feel like i can trust any of my friends, wot if they r talking bout me behind my back or saying stuff to others bout wot ive told them. ive been seeing a councellor for a few months now, went to c the doctor to he is considering putting me on antidepressants if i go back to c him, but i hate going to the doctor, i cant tell him how i really feel,i feel silly sitting in the chair trying to explain how i feel wen i cant even explain it to myself. life seems so hopeless, an worthless, ive had lots of suicudal thoughts and bout how i would do it, ive come very close to it b4 now im scared if something pushes me over the edge i will go the full way.
Comment by lucy — 8/14/2004 @ 4:36 pm
Tenth Century Irish Verse
Anonymous
I’m ashamed of my thoughts and how they escape me.
I fear dreadful danger on Doom’s endless day.
They stray in the Psalms down paths not proper, run riot,
make mischief in great God’s eyes,
Through bustling throngs and flocks of wild women,
through forests and towns more swift than the wind.
One time they will travel by paths that are pleasant;
by paths not so pleasant, I confess, at another.
So crooked, they cross, the sea without ships,
or spring in one leap from Earth up to Heaven.
They run their mad races, near and afar,
then return to their home, their wild wandering done.
Though you try to restrain them or fetter their feet,
they’re too fickle and thoughtless to try to stand still..
No blade and no whiplash can keep them in place.
They slip like an eel-tail out of my grasp.
No lock, no arched dungeon, no fetters on Earth—
No fort, ocean, bleak stronghold can hamper their course.
Beloved, chaste Christ, who sees all eyes,
gracious spirit hold them in check.
Govern my heart, elemental dread God.
Be thou my beloved, that I bend to thy will.
May I join with Thee close, in union O Christ,
Thou not thoughtless nor fickle unlike to myself.
This is Sean again from Aug 11 posting. I can’t promise anything to anyone here about giving them hope or a solution but after reading many of the postings here and believing I am seeing more clearer in my life and that there are reasons and purposes to my pain and crap and suffering such as understanding and comforting those like me in this world, if you want to email me, I will listen and respond. I know it is impossible to believe/feel/live most of the time but if you want to talk to someone who has been through a father’s suicide at age 12, addictions of all sorts, bad relationships, spiritual darkness, guilt, recent suicide attempt (6 mos ago both wrists slashed), medication, Psychotherapy, books, prayer, Jesus Christ, marital separation, lust, loneliness, etc. then go ahead and email me: sphartemail@yahoo.com
Comment by Sean — 8/14/2004 @ 4:59 pm
Depression is like being held against the floor with a weight on your chest. It is difficult to breathe. You see people walking around, but you can’t seem to reach out to them to ask for help… and most of the time, they just walk past as you struggle in silence. You want to cry out, but you have no voice. Feelings don’t happen at the right times… like your wires are all crossed. Sometimes you want to lash out…but when you have pushed everyone away and are all alone, you have no one but yourself…to hurt. Or maybe someone is near… and you say or do something that you never EVER forgive yourself for… or forget. You think about it every day, along with so many other things. Imagine being locked in a room with several stereos all playing something different… a wall of Televisions… all on different channels… and someone standing beside you asking question after question….strange questions sometimes… berating you for your shortcomings….and you can’t turn any of it off, nor can you escape.
You try to cheer yourself up by getting dressed up, maybe changing your look…. but even the most beautiful of ornate cages is still only an empty cage if the creature inside is gone. Depression is a wicked foe.
Comment by Cyn — 8/16/2004 @ 1:00 pm
Depression to me is like quicksand, the more you fight the faster you sink.
If you don’t fight -your dead.
if you do -your dead fast.
If you ask for a hand, everyone that looks,
States I not getting in there.
In most cases I want to rebel them.
Place my feet to the air.
Head first in to the pit.
Let it be done.
But,
In the end I usualy prove them wrong instead.
Forever floting in this pit of sand.
MY pit of sand.
Comment by Ryan — 8/19/2004 @ 2:04 pm
This websiste is good for me. The person I wanted to be close to, who I thought was my close friend says she is too busy for me. She says I need to change my life and my expectations, Basically, she says she has no time for me. I am tired of this happening. I am so tired of everything. I am always climbing uphill. I need to have a friend, but, they don’t seem to need me. I have had two other close friends that I have had to leave behind. Now there are three. How can my life be filled to brim with casual aquaintances and no one who wants to take the time it requires to go deeper than that? I am so tired of being on the surface. When I go deeper, people run. Are they running from me because I am not worth being friends with? THis is what I think when I want to die. I am so tired of trying and if I died I would not work anymore and I could float. I want so much to rest and float. Like being on the water and safe from them hurting me. I am very caught up today in feeling I am not good enough to deserve relationships. I hate the person who has turned her back on me today. Yet, I don’t. I guess I just hate me for wanting it all. I wish I were numb and did not need friendship and could just function by skimming the surface like so many of them do. I want to cut out the part of me that wants more, because it can’t be matched up with anyone. Is this what depression feels like to me? Sure sounds like it!
Comment by Juliette Hansen — 8/20/2004 @ 1:00 am
To me depression is feeling distant. Its like you are watching your life through a video screen, able to see things, hear things, but just not respond how you want to. Things pass by, people pass by, people you would give your life for, but they don’t really care do they?
Depression gives me chest aches, makes me run away from everything to be alone, and then collapse and weep. It makes everything seem so useless and empty. Worst of all, it makes the things we love so distant. The things that make us, and our lives, are separated from us by a condition we cannot control. I just wish I could have these things back, and they could see how much they meant to me. Maybe then they would love me back
Comment by Dave — 8/20/2004 @ 8:36 pm
Depression feels like being covered with all the WEIGHT OF THE WORLD on your shoulders. Like every bad thing that happens is because of YOU. Depression feels like an ENDLESS NIGHT night. One that doesn’t allow a sliver of reflected moon for even a mooment.
Depression feels like confirmation of all the BAD YOU’VE KNOWN ABOUT YOURSELF forever is now realized.
Depression is a ticking clock awaiting DEATH. I think about suicide constantly. Can’t sleep no matter what I do.
Depression is PAIN. I just want this neverending pain to stop.
Depression is SCARY. I am afraid I will not have control and I will kill myself. I’ve already told my drs that if I do it, I’ll do it right. I won’t allow myself to fail because the pain from the failure would be deeper than the pain of now.
Comment by Star — 8/21/2004 @ 10:18 am
I Am here now in my room,going online n feeling fine. Exactly 24 hours ago, I was crying uncontrollably, slashing my wrist. There’s this constant murmurs inside my head and i wish they would just go away. I always feel better after hurting myself..This is my depression. I wish Im dead every single time of the day. I wish, if anything bad was to happen, then it would happen to me n not someone who still enjoy this life. I get some kind of panic attack every day, and I feel ‘dead’, always..Im too afraid of talking to people because otherwise ‘guilt’ and fear would overcome everything and I would start crying. I withdraw myself from the people im close to, even my family, because I cant just be depressed the whole time in front of them, and I am REALLY tired of pretending..I get paranoid and anxious, and a big anger for not knowing why Im even like this..I wish that I would become my old self, having a reason to live again..
Comment by Amee — 8/21/2004 @ 11:56 am
In my worst moments depression feels as if I have become an unemotional robot devoid of desire to taste, touch, smell, hear or see. I become mechanical. My spirit, mind and body crack, squeak, pop, and burst without any lubrication of joy or zest for life. I feel trapped in my own container……..however. I also know what healing and hope from depression feels like and everyone needs to know there is hope and healing available. But it can’t and will not ever come from circumstance or another human being, at least not with any permanency. Like I said, 6 months ago, I had no hope for my life and took a razor and made sashimi of both my wrists, up, down, left, right, diagonal deep cuts. My wounds looked like budding flowers as the skin peeled itself up from my veins and tendons. But I woke up. I couldn’t walk but I could climb 2 flights of stair dragging my body to a phone where I called for help. And that is how my journey back to hope started. In Hell but I know God refused to let me bleed to death. Today my heart and soul bleed with all of you who feel like killing yourself. You are loved by God and I. Call me or email me I will pray with you. Reach out if you want to live. It does require faith but even in our faithlessness or unfaithfullness, God is always Faithful to us in that he Loves us. And I love you my hurting sisters and brothers. I want to give you hope and comfort. seanhart1@comcast.net
“I cry aloud to the Lord; I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy. I pour out my complaint before him; before him I tell my trouble. When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who know my way….Look to my right and see no one is concerned for me. I have no refuge; no one cares for my life….Listen to my cry for I am in desparate need…Set me free from my prison…” Psalm 142
“The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love. The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made…” Psalm 145:8-9
Comment by Sean — 8/21/2004 @ 2:25 pm
Wow, first posted on here on May 8th. Was a very very depressed boy then. I’d had a real bad year and not long broken up with my girlfriend, which fucked me up a lot as well as all the problems I;d just ignored for years. However this Summer I’ve been very lucky and managed to pull myself back up to the level that you long to be at when you’re depressed. The first step for me was to stop taking drugs – every week I was getting through approximately 1/4 ounce of hash, 15 – 20 tabs of E, lots of whizz, lots of Ket and the occaisional line of coke, when i could afford it.
That was a big acheivement in itself and since mid June, I’ve not touched a single thing, save alcohol. When I realised that I’d actually achieved something, I felt so much better about myself and felt confident to try and sort out the problems I’d been avoiding. Now I’m so much happier! I’m off to start University in a few weeks and I can’t wait.
I just hope my success story shows that some people do come out the other side and do feel better!!!
Good luck to you all, xxx John
Comment by John — 8/22/2004 @ 10:42 am
“It feels like you’re standing in a crowed room, screaming at the top of your lungs and no one even bothers to look up, no one cares.”
Comment by Yogi Bear — 8/22/2004 @ 10:38 pm
life is kinda fucked up , you stop doing E , weed and drinking and you think your life will get better but things just seem to stay the same and more problem occur.
Comment by jhxg — 8/22/2004 @ 11:21 pm
I have been struggling with bi-polar disorder for about 15 years. But I am depressed most often. What it feels like is God decided to damn me with this horrible, unescapable cloak of sadness and despair. I have been on every med known, I think. My good friend recently told me that I needed a kick in the ass. Yeah, that helps. Thanks so damn much.
Comment by Tania — 8/23/2004 @ 4:08 am
What does depression feel alike? Depression feels like depression for eternity if there was no heaven, no impossible love that actually could engulf me and tell me every truth I believed about myself was actually a lie. That I was very much loved, that I had immense value, that I was meant for a purpose…..
seanhart1@comcast.net
Comment by Sean — 8/23/2004 @ 8:26 pm
Depression is praying to God to let me die but never having my prayers answered. It is known that my actions will hurt my family but not finding a way out, it is knowing that I will die alone and welcoming it. who knows if this will be the only record off how I feel, only the next couple hrs/days/wks?
Comment by Alexander — 8/23/2004 @ 10:57 pm
Depression is self hate. Disgust. Fear. Pain. Lonliness. Shame. Depression doesn’t let you accept compliments. Depression allows you to remember insults only. Depression is a void you can’t fill. Depression is never being a part of anything. Depression is failure. Depression is knowing you’ll never be good enough. Depression makes you get up after you’ve been knocked down. Depression ………………
Comment by BARBARA — 8/24/2004 @ 1:31 am
I feel so empty. Every day I drag myself out of bed and force myself to go to school feeling like I am living the same day over and over again. I feel so bored and never look forward to doing anything, i never get excited anymore and i constantly feel like someone is ripping me apart. Just being around other people and having to pretend i am happy is so painful, i find it hard to smile, having a conversation with somebody is such a chore. Because of this i have withdrawn myself from my friends, i never want to have to socialise with anyone. The only person i do want to speak to has shut me out of his life completely. I had the most perfect boyfriend in the world who i love more than he will ever know. He broke up with me about a month ago, at first i thought it was because he was so depressed he couldnt handle having a girlfriend and didnt want to hurt me with his depression, i thought he may even be suicidal. Every night i cry myself to sleep praying he will get better. I just hope he comes back to me one day, i dont want to be with anybody else and im willing to wait as long as it takes for him to get through this. Sometimes i tell myself to give up and that he only broke up with me because he doesnt like me but doesnt know how to tell me that. I get so confused and so upset, sometimes i cut my forearms because physical pain is easier for me to handle than the emotional pain which is tearing me apart. I hate myself so much sometimes, i want to help him, what hurts most is that i secretly know he is never going to come back to me, that makes me feel so alone. If you ever happen to read this tom, i love you so much, there is never a moment when i am not thinking about you. I am seeing psychologist because i am suffering from depression and have been bulimic since i was 13. When will all this end? When will the pain stop?
Comment by nat — 8/24/2004 @ 3:16 am
O LORD , hear my prayer,
listen to my cry for mercy;
in your faithfulness and righteousness
come to my relief.
Do not bring your servant into judgment,
for no one living is righteous before you.
The enemy pursues me,
he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in darkness
like those long dead.
So my spirit grows faint within me;
my heart within me is dismayed.
I remember the days of long ago;
I meditate on all your works
and consider what your hands have done.
I spread out my hands to you;
my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.
Selah
Answer me quickly, O LORD ;
my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
or I will be like those who go down to the pit.
Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.
Rescue me from my enemies, O LORD ,
for I hide myself in you.
Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
lead me on level ground.
For your name’s sake, O LORD , preserve my life;
in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.
In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;
destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant.
Psalm 143
Comment by Joseph — 8/24/2004 @ 3:26 pm
i havent been sleeping well for years…
Dead of the night – Im lookin at snaps of the girl I’ve been in love with, a decade ago.
Im missing all that used to be a decade back.
I wonder where 10 yrs have gone…
I’ve been a workoholic and an alcoholic makin money, saving, creating financial security so the next one doesnt think im a loser and leave.
now the moneys there. all friends are already married and gone.
Girls I’d have liked to be with are mothers now…
nothin pleases me. nothin i do. everything bores and i cant just understand the purpose of my existance.
I’ve brawled, broken bones, travelled across the country on an easy rider royal enfield, painted canvasses, played guitar, been an employee, and an employer, worn suits in corporate boardrooms, made money, lost money, anxiety attacks, sleepless nights… made some more money again, bought a house, sold it, got a bike sold it, got a car, another bike, built muscles, broke bones and lost em, fought alcoholism for 3 yrs completely clean just to start again, grew out my hair half way down to my back just to have a crew cut, did that 3 times… dated hot chicks, tried to fall in love, never worked that out…
now… 10 yrs later… what do i do next ?
I’ll be 30.
everyone i grew up with has grown away…
I still cant connect with any women i meet regardless of whether i like em or they like me…
Im still missing the one i was with for 5 yrs 10 hrs a day, a decade ago.
and she’s on the other side of the globe, untracable, married , single, alive, dead, i got no lead to find out.
Im tired… waiting…
tired of everything…
just what do i wake up to next… ?
Comment by Morgoth — 8/25/2004 @ 5:46 pm
depression isnt about not having one particular thing.
it’s about not wanting anything atall cause nothin can please.
you fall back on memories…. think about the good ol days when u felt invincible and alive.
now… you know you’re just 30 but u feel like you’re 70.
it isnt about self pity.
its just wanting to sleep and never wake up.
dont wanna change much of what happened cause thru all the ups and down it was a hell of a ride…
but just tired now.
no fuel left inside.
nothin to go on…
no will. no desire.
no governing logic.
no drive.
just a craving for sleep which your mind never allows or your memories never permit.
this is beyond analysing and rationalising or getting drunk trying to distract your own self…
you can fool anyone but your ownself.
it isnt about searching for solutions to change circumstances.
its about not having even the energy to contemplate any MORE attempts at turning life around…
its about the mind dying.
nothingness…
Comment by Morgoth — 8/25/2004 @ 5:58 pm
Yeah well i don’t really give a shit either way… I’m gonna die, and it’s probably me killing myself. Who’s gonna stop me? I don’t want support, but it seems in my poetry i need it. what i need is to be locked up in an institution where PEOPLE will stop talking to me altogether and where i’ll be in silence for the rest of my life…
Comment by Fiona — 8/26/2004 @ 4:54 am
It feels, at this moment, like falling into a deep void that I will never be able to climb out of. My family, although I have begged them to try to understand what is happening to me, chooses not to – instead calling me LAZY and telling me to GET OFF MY ASS. I want to be the person I used to be. I want it more than anything in the world. When I try to explain why I am so tired I am told that my SOB STORY will not work with them. I do not want pity! I just want some understanding. I need them to understand that what they say to me is the equivalent of stepping on my fingers while I am climbing out of the hole.
Comment by Kathy — 8/26/2004 @ 10:28 pm
Depression is like being caged in a dark room. four walls and no way out. I see a light in the distance and I can’t reach it. It’s like the whole world is against me watching my every move. I try to be better and I keep falling. I am scared and hopeless, angry at myself. I cry myself to sleep everyday wondering what I did wrong.
I cry for everything, I feel stupid and worthless. I get angry easy and I find ways to fight with my boyfriend. He loves me and I love him so much. He is the best thing that has ever happend to me. and I am scared that he is going to leave me. I am not happy with myself and I feel like I am not good enough. He doesn’t understand how I feel. So I think about leaving him so he can be happy. I feel like he is miserable with me, because he is tierd of listening to me whine and cry all the time. I have to many problems and I am scared that he is just with me because he feels sorry for me. I am sad most of the time and when I am happy it doesn’t last long because I get paranoid that something bad is going to happened. I am drowning myself with all these emotions and I can’t stop them. “The same old jenni crying” it hurts when they don’t understand. I want to scape but I can’t. I want to sleep and never wake up.
Comment by Jenni — 8/26/2004 @ 11:53 pm
Depression is wanting to be alone all the time. It’s rushing home to get into your apartment so that you feel safe, you’re in your own world, a cocoon… where no one can ask anything of you. It is a deep sense of dread when you contemplate your life and the things you have to do, feeling very overwhelmed even by the smallest tasks. It is getting very irritated when people ask what are your goals…where are you headed? Or being annoyed by people grilling you about your plans for the weekend, you feel as though they are trying to trap you. It is having panic attacks so bad you feel as though you are being suffocated, or having a heart attack. It was the worst breakup of all time that probably really triggered it and it also could stem from a long term illiness that no one can resolve such as postural orthastic syndrome. That is a disease/condiction where you black out all the time, feel like you have the flu (comparable to the worst hangover ever, and some days are ok other days you are rooted to the bed completely dizzy and drained with piercing migranes and racing heart to boot. It is taking tons of medications that still don’t alleviate the problem. Then missing 9 weeks of work throughout a six month span having to take medical leave most of it unpaid and barely having enough cash to get by living check to check totally stressed and having other employees talking behind your back resentful they have to take on your work, yet you show up as much as you can sick as a dog. You are so depressed by being sick so long you don’t care anymore. You feel asexual as a worm. Makeup is a chore, if you even bother, showering wears you out, you can’t get enough sleep, you gain or lose weight, you are at home all the time reading magazines sometimes not even seeing what you read, and watching movie after movie because that is all you can handle. You can’t handle running errands because you feel like everyone can see you dying inside. You try to put up this front for everyones benefit but they start to see you are smiling on the outside but crying on the inside. Your eyes look deadpan. You are a walking ghost. YOu start to try immersing yourself in anything you can to keep your focus off feeling this way but it’s unbearable pain. You feel along yet need to be. You find it pointless to talk to people when it is a farce. Why bother hearing about their menial problems when you can’t even deal with your own? No one really cares about you anyway they just want to use you to bounce their ideas and problems off of, or use you as a prop to go out with so they don’t have to go alone. It’s living in a city you abhor away from your friends. It’s having everything that could possibly go wrong all at once and not being equipped to deal with it at all. Car dying completely broke. Having cavities so bad you need crowns but can’t afford it. Needing glasses and contacts and you can’t afford it. Having no bed,(it broke the springs cut you) can’t afford it so you have to steal a mattress from the hotel you rent a room in which is the size of a cot way way to small and thin as a board so the one thing you enjoy sleep is pointless. It’s having friends keep asking you to do stuff and having to repeatedly try to tell them you have no cash and if you did you still wouldn’t want to deal with them, but you can’t say that because you know it’s cruel. Where did you go? What happened to the old fun me? I had so much fun 10 years ago. That is depression in a nutshell. Welcome to hell. Sometimes you feel like you must’ve died when it started and you went to hell and this is hell everyday because even 100mgs of Zoloft don’t work. Hang in there everybody thats all I can offer as comfort, at least I’m not alone.
Comment by Kathleen — 8/27/2004 @ 5:53 pm
Everything feels boring, you have no interest of doing anything, no matter how fun it used to be or how fun everyone seems to tell you it is.
You just walk around aimlessly thinking negative thoughts and yourself and suicide feels like the best solution, the only way out. How can the after life be worse than this? Being very very bored is the worst thing I have ever felt, sitting in a chair for 5 hours with nothing happening and not being able to sleep. It feels like you want to go on top of a building and just scream your insides out (literally).
Comment by Choking Victim — 8/29/2004 @ 4:33 am
Am I depressed? It feels like it, but everyone just thinks I have a bad attitude and that I need to get my shit together and do something about it. My mother had depression for years before being diagnosed, so did I get it from her or just develop a bad personality from being around negativity all the time? Who knows, who cares. I didn’t use to be this way. I’ve gained about 30 pounds in the past 9 months. That’s a lot for me, or anyone for that matter (I’m 5′4″ and weighed just under 130 nine months ago, now I’m over 150). I gained all this weight about 2 months after a new job. It was extrememly stressful for me and I quit about 6 weeks ago. I was there about 9 months total. No one could understand why I was so stressed, “It’s just a job” they would tell me. They would say this knowing that the company I worked for had about 10 people in my positon within the past 2-2 1/2 years. (And I was there about 9 months – what does that say?) Anyway did my weight gain cause depression or did depression cause weight gain? I don’t know, allI know is that I feel like a fucking cow. I look like I’m nine months pregnant and I have 1 pair of pants(jeans) in my wardrobe that fit me and even they’re tight. I exercise and I admit my diet isn’t that great, but it’s no diferent than it was before. I don’t leave the house anymore or do social things because i
Comment by Jen — 8/30/2004 @ 7:40 pm
depression is not being able to tell your friends how you feel…its going to school with that same fake smile…making everyone think youre so happy go lucky and getting mad at yourself for being so fake just like everything else in the world.. depression is that knot in your stomach that wants to let everything out but you cant because everyone will think your stupid because theres so many other people in this world that are less fortunate…depression is wanting to be a little kid again because there were no worries in life back then…depression makes you cry about nothing and everything…depression is lack of self confidence..depression is doing all the things you used to love to do..but its not as fun anymore..depression is that feeling when you think something is gonna go right..but it doesnt..depression is depression..it sucks to be this way..but i cant help it
Comment by Stephanie — 9/2/2004 @ 12:44 am
If you find something that works for you, then great. But please don’t come up with a “cure-all,” and expect you to be correct and all others incorrect. It’s like a televangelist faith-healer…if those buggers could do what they pretend to do, then why aren’t they doing their healing in a hospital? I went to the website mentioned earler by two contributors (http://www.clinical-depression.co.uk/Understanding_Depression/understanding.htm) and basically, what I found was another alleged “breaktthrough,” which blames the sufferers of this disease for their own suffering. How sad.
I know this is not the “forum” area, and I don’t mind if my comments are taken down, but I would hope that the (perhaps) ads for that website are also taken down. Many of the quotes from that website are taken from a book called “Human Givens.” The books come from “The european therapy studies institute,” and once you read all the way through the “understanding depression” thing, you are asked to pull out you credit card and pay for a PDF of the “book” you just read, or to be fair, give your email for a free version. Also, at the end of the long “ending depression” thing, you are offered a link to their main website, (http://www.uncommon-knowledge.co.uk/), where, after you’ve been told that depression is not an illness, and is directly related to your CHOICES of thought patterns, resulting in a theory of having too much REM dream sleep, and that medication is bad, and causes relapse, and many other things and theories prefaced by “recent studies show” without mentioning WHAT those studies were or WHERE they came from or WHO did them, after all that wonderful information, after ALL that, you are offered, at the uncommonknowledge website, a pile of soft, “self confidence” related products to buy. Check out this ONE page, on the subject. Note its shabby graphic design, stock photography, and a CD offer. The CD costs 35 pounds, or 50 bucks:http://www.self-confidence.co.uk/
But I went to the website, because I believed in what the others wrote. Maybe people like us need to have the part of our brains that trusts others removed. Maybe that’s what we need.
Typical. Break people down, tell them it’s THEIR OWN FAULT, and then sell them stuff.
Here is the truth: You have no control over your appetite, your sleep patterns, and the clarity of your thought, and memory/will to decide.
When we are SERIOUSLY sick, we all mention the same things in regards to the PATTERNS of sleep, appetite, thought, and the ability to make decisions. These all point to a brain disease. Do you “decide” to lose your appetite? Do you “decide” to wake up early?
Add booze to a body, and it wants to fight. Add cocaine, and it wants to party. Add pot and it wants to eat. Add LSD and it starts hallucinating things.
SOME of us react poorly to stress. SOME of us are weak in a way we don’t fully understand. SOME of us have had a hard and cruel time, and had our hearts broken, and THAT may have been the stability we needed to keep ourselves above the sickness called depression.
It’s like our bodies. Some people, if starved, will get sick in ways others do not. Some people, when kicked around by life, are so sensitive that they fall. They needed the power of love and were denied it, or had it taken away…their gifts for sensitivity instead became liabilities.
Then, once sick, we all, who are seriously ill, suffer in the same way, in many respects.
We are not “choosing” to “ruminate” on bad thoughts. Life has wounded us, and we can no more ignore it than any of us could ignore a knife stuck into our gut.
We get hurt, we get denied what we need, and we get sick. Not everyone gets sick like this, but that doesn’t mean that we are not sick.
None of us “choose” this suffering. If we were not separated from what we need, or, if we were not damaged by cruelty, we’d be okay. We’d be helping our common cause with our gifts for sensitivity and understanding. Instead, life pours water into the CPUs of our brains. We short circuit, and suffer damage. We struggle to heal, and we are not CHOOSING THIS SUFFERING.
It’s a chore to have to debunk nonsense.
Again, bless you if it works for you, but I will not accept the idea that we “choose” this. We, of all people, do not need to BLAME ourselves for the cruelty the world has FORCED upon us. There are varying degrees of “depression,” and the serious form is NEVER “chosen.”
Perhaps I’ll quote the cartoon character, The Tick: “You’re not going crazy, you’re going sane in an insane world.”
The Tick makes more sense than that entire (http://www.clinical-depression.co.uk/Understanding_Depression/understanding.htm) website.
Comment by Sharon — 9/2/2004 @ 4:10 am
Knowing taht it will never change. Spending days hoping to improve. Trying multiple times to make things better. Never seeing long term results. Knowing other people are accepted and happy. Knowing this will never end.
Comment by s gregg — 9/3/2004 @ 8:19 pm
I’m depressed about everything. If I go out, then I spend money. If I stay inside, I limit the possibility of something bad happenning or doing something out of a compulsion to alleviate feelings of anger, resentment, pain, or misery. Finding a nice lady to relax with puts my mind at ease. But it’s depressing because women want you to spend money on them to show how much you care. I sometimes like to trip out and think about how cool it would be to have my own island and choose one nice kind lady to be with.
Comment by Robert — 9/4/2004 @ 9:44 pm
It feels like everybody and everything sucks and there’s no reason to be happy. When I look around, I see everybody as ugly and greedy. I feel that people are selfish, greedy monsters who just want more and more! They’re never satisfied. Their greed is like a bottomless pit, a bottomless pit to hell. Then I become angry and violent but I know that will cost me, either in court fees for bashing someone’s face in or in some other unexpected form. I have a combination of depression mixed with some violent tendencies. I like to just become motionless and not move at all when I feel like that. When I was younger I used to let people know when they pissed me off but now, I can’t because letting them what bothers me , reveals my weakness, and revealing my weakness allows them to have control of me, therefore I just remain distant and unattached. I hope that I can find a more positive perspective. Maybe a good woman with big boobs and a big butt could calm my nerves. Yeah! that’s the ticket I feel better now!
Comment by Joey — 9/4/2004 @ 9:56 pm
Does it really get any better? I know I have improved in the last 8 months but the suicidal feelings are still as strong as ever I scour these pages looking for I don’t know what, some kind of answer to what I feel every day. I wake every morning feeling that another day has to be passed. I feel like I’m in a brick wall that can let no one in, yet I want to be able to let someone in anyone, acceptance, love, hope, self worth, caring, sharing but I can’t I can’t trust I can’t feel the antidepressants took care of that. I feel like an island floating alone wanting to be alone but wanting to be loved and accepted. I can’t even relate to my children anymore. They don’t or can’t trust me anymore after four suicide attempts I don’t blame them, I have totally blown them away with the intolerance the lack of being able to relate to them anymore, the inability of being able to keep up with the housework, cook meals etc. For me the emptiness, loneliness the worthlessness is hard to bear, but for my children I have to try, I don’t believe that I will make it I have so much self loathing, guilt, unhappiness, I spend my days trying to forget the feelings by working all the time when I work I don’t think, if I don’t think I don’t feel if I don’t feel I don’t hurt, if I don’t hurt I can keep trying. I feel like I won’t or can’t stand this much longer I can’t really even communicate how I really feel and don’t know the right questions to ask the counsellor, the phychiatrist was worse he didn’t help at all, if I’m not in turmoil and unable to stop I am at a complete standstill I don’t know which is worse. Turmoil is uncontrollable desire to bang my head against the wall release the demons inside that have opened pandora’s box leaving me whirling like a leaf in a cyclone, the most dangerous time for me I am very unpredictable in that state. Then comes the down time when I just feel empty like I need to cry a million tears that just won’t come. I can’t cry I can’t feel I can’t breathe, I shake inside and feel like the demons are eating me from the inside out. I don’t believe my time here will last too much longer but as I am forever the fighter unfortunately I can’t stop myself from trying even though every day is just like the last torture, emptiness uselessness and unhappiness, I have no real positive feelings anymore I don’t think I ever did, my children are what I try to show example to but now I believe they would be better off without me. I am a bad parent to put them thru all of this with me they are better off without me.
Comment by Karen — 9/5/2004 @ 1:57 am
BEING COMPRESSED IN THE MOST CORRUPT AND DISDAINFUL FORM OF ALL; THAT OF HUMAN. I AM TRAPPED IN A SHELL. I WEAR THE SLEEVE OF HOMOSAPIEN WHICH HAS ONLY SERVED TO TURN ME INTO AN UGLIER BEAST. I CANNOT HATE, FOR NOTHING IS DESERVING ENOUGH TO KNOW SCORN. I CAN LOVE ONLY ESCAPE. I PITY THOSE FEW CREATURES WHO KNOW ME, AS MY ASSOCIATION ONLY SERVES TO COMPLICATE THEIR LIVES AND BURDEN THEM WITH CHOATIC CONTRADICTIONS. I AM AN AMALGAM OF DISSENSION AND AGONY, QUIETLY ROLLED INTO AN IDIOTIC PSYCHOPATH. HAVING JUST HIT 19 YEARS OF AGE, I AM IMPOSSIBLY SICKENED ALREADY BY THE PROSPECT OF CONTINUED EXISTENCE HERE. I AM WORTHLESS AS A MEMBER OF SOCIETY AND CONTRIBUTE NOTHING TO ITS UPKEEP. THOSE CLOSEST TO ME DO NOT KNOW OF THIS, YET I FREELY RELINQUISH IT HERE, THUS PROVING MY INCOMPETENCE AS A COMRADE. AS FOR NOW, I ONLY LIVE BECAUSE I AM ALIVE. I AM DISGUSTED TO KNOW THAT NO ONE CAN SEE ME FOR WHAT I AM. I MUST BE MALE, OF THIS SOCIAL STANDING ETC. I AM NOT A BEING, BUT SOMETHING TO BE NUMBERED AND MAINTAINED FOR MY REVENUE GENERATING POTENTIAL. THIS WAR IS HOPELESS AND I LOOK FORWARD TO WHATEVER END AWAITS ME, JUST A SLAVE TO A BIRTH I WOULD NEVER HAVE AGREED TO…
Comment by KOETE SAKURA — 9/6/2004 @ 12:36 am
Depression is pain. It is wanting to crawl into a hole and die, but knowing that its never that easy. It is cutting yourself to see it bleed and feel it and know that you really are alive. It is not trusting anyone, not even your closest friends…if they really are your friends at all. Maybe they’re just humouring you, knowing that if they upset you you’ll do something stupid, slit your wrists again or take a bunch of pills and end it all. Sitting at home thinking about all the things you could be, should be doing right now but not caring because it hurts too much. It is hiding the scars from new people you meet because no one wants to be friends with a psycho. Making up excuses for why you just want to stay home, lying in bed crying. It is surfing the internet in the middle of the night because you know that sleep will never come, and if you don’t do something you’re going to go get the knife. Trying anything to make yourself stop thinking…because thinking about it is what hurts the most. It is needing someone to talk to, but having no one to listen, no one who understands.
Comment by Marieke — 9/6/2004 @ 2:19 am
Well.. i have been depressed many times … i have wanted to stop eating.. wanted to die… i felt like there was no reason to live… nothing was good in my life… i lost my mom at age 11… my dad is a pretty bad alcoholic… im not too confident at all in the way i look (actually i hate the way i look… i feel like no one would care if i died and like no one likes me or what ever… i have cut my self, truthfully … and actually i do it sometimes becuase it makes me feel better (instead of having emotional pain) and i was watching a show the other day and they said that was a disease.. that if you feel the need to cut or burn your self to relieve emotional pain you have something.. and i was wondering if anyone knew becuase i dont remember what they said… um, if you know try to post it up becasue i would like to know… thank you …
Comment by Kim — 9/7/2004 @ 2:08 am
I can’t help but wonder what is the point of being here? what is the point of life? there is NO Point. We just get up and do the same old thing every single day. Now my daughter has decided she would rather live w/her transsexual “father” and …. and that’s it. I can’t even finish this right now… To be continued….
Comment by brokenheartedmom — 9/8/2004 @ 7:56 am
I hate becoming my own biggest liar, lying to myself all the time, filling myself with poison.
Telling myself that life is crap when I hate having it taken away from me.
If I was poor and won a lottery, I would choose to be financially poor again and give away 100 million dollars to anyone who could allow me to be as free as I was when I was a child
The depression beats me up all the time, and I’m getting weaker as I lie to myself. The truth of life’s goodness exists in hope and memory for me as the sickness takes me away to horrible places I don’t want to go to
Even a rapist or a mugger leaves you alone after he’s raped or robbed you. But this just keeps on coming.
How can I turn into my own worst, cruellest enemy? How can this be happening?
Comment by Rachel — 9/8/2004 @ 3:45 pm
I hate this, I hate being the person I am. This isn’t me…where is the happy girl that I used to be? I drove someone I love away…..this sickness drove them away. Now I have nothing.
Comment by L.D. — 9/9/2004 @ 5:01 pm
I stumbled on this site…on one of the nights that I could not sleep.
I was shocked to read these posts…and people were actually saying things…that made sense to me.
I also am suffering from a major depressive episode. My husband has been so supportive…and I try to explain what I am feeling…but it is HARD for him to understand.
If you have never had depression…you cannot possibly know what it feels like.
It is NOT a choice…as well-meaning people might tell you.
I am an RN in an intensive care unit. I have not been able to work for about 6 weeks now.
My lack of concentration; confusion; lack of energy….problems with remembering…not getting dressed; not showering; feeling an almost constant pressure in my head….
I always showered EVERY day. Now, I am lucky to
shower two times a week. I feel like somebody
took me out of my body….and this is NOT me. When I look in the mirror…I just think…”Where did you go???”
Most of the days I don’t even get dressed.
I am on two anti-depressants now. I am better…
but I still have the confusion, difficulty concentrating…this pressure inside my head.
I have guilt because my paycheck is not coming in and we will probably have to file bankruptcy.
This site explains how depression feels…at least for me.
Thank you to everyone for sharing their personal experiences…
Comment by Shelly — 9/10/2004 @ 2:27 am
Depression feels like there is really no hope for me, no reason for me to live. Everyday I look forward to meet death all the while praying that the ones I love and the ones who love me will find strength to carryon after I’ve gone. Tears fill my eyes when I remember how I’ve treated them, I wonder why they still continue to love me even with all that I’ve put them through. I drink to the point where I cannot feel my feeling anymore just to get away from this inescapable feeling of being worthless. Why is it that I never seem to have any luck at all? Why am I still alive?
Comment by Indiana — 9/10/2004 @ 2:12 pm
Depression feels like your not part of the world
everyone seems to live in.You wake up everyday (and I mean everyday) numb to anything good in life.You cant make yourself do anything.A simple thing like getting up in the mornings is a mind torture.Your mind is having a war a full blown massacre.A million thoughts pop in and out and in and out of your mind.Thats the fun part because you have no control of your thoughts they can be moments in your life,conversations you have had,every horrible thing you can remember that you have done are always around the old mind,things you want to do,jobs you wish you could do,how shitty you feel,how misarble life is,why is a good one,WHY do i feel this way,WHY cant i make it stop,WHY cant i just get up and be happy,WHY cant i live a normal life,WHY cant anyone understand,Why have i had to deal with this for 11 years WHY WHY WHY? I have not felt true happiness at least what i think was happines in so long i dont know if i ever will.When your depressed you are hurting so bad inside that you cut yourself off to anything good. Everyday you deal with ok tommorow will be better but tommorow never ever is.Its the same old routine. You constantly feel empty of anything happy. You get crazy thoughts that flash through your head constantly.My head goes a million miles a minute all day everyday.I feel helpless like im in a hole that im never gonna get out i dont even see the light anymore.Everyday I wish I could be normal because I have found someone who I love more then anything and im doing nothing to better myself or the relationship.We want to live together but it takes money.I cant seem to get myself up and go to work.I cant make myself do anything.I feel like I have nothing to offer anyone.My family thiks im a lazy bum witch hurts.I think of death often enough(i dont think i could do it)but that comes after the thought of being like this forever.Death seems almost like a cure.I would give anything to be normal work pay bills take care of a home and family but i just dont see it.Even showering is something i have to force myself to do.Im not a dirty person but you get to the point where you just dont care.You know what you have to do but ya cant.Even if its something you want real bad like money or car or a home ya just cant make yourself do it.Pretty much everything i have written here goes on in my head all day everyday.The pain and hurt never stops.I do have moments where im laughing and i feel good but they are just moments(they never last)Those moments are just a taste a tease you could say because you know it will not last and in a few seconds your mind will be back to misery
Comment by me — 9/10/2004 @ 3:36 pm
my boyfriend and i had a conversation a few days ago. He refuses to believe that depression isn’t the same thing as having a bad day and feeling down for a an hour about it. I tried to explain to him that it never leaves. That there seems to be no real reason for it other than life itself. Everything and anything brings you down. Songs from my happier days send me reeling into a black hole. Sitting on the beach staring out at the ocean doesnt give me a sense of peace or tranquility, it gives me a feeling of grief for what i wish my life could be. I get anxious and worried over nothing, and emotional and angry over the most insignificant things. And i feel so stupid for it. I feel like a bad person, and i cant help it. Reading these postings and hearing what everyone else is feeling is like reading my own thoughts. And knowing that there are others who have all the same thoughts and feelings that i have had helps me to accept it. i constantly anylize my thoughts and feelings and try to sort them into rational and irrational. It helps me to keep myself together and work things out. As long as i know how to apologize for my reactions and actions having to do with my overemotional state, i can keep things together… i can hold on to relationships and i can at least pretend to be in a good mood sometimes. Even if it’s like acting in the hardest role of your life. i’d make a good movie star, yup
Comment by amanda — 9/10/2004 @ 4:10 pm
i can honestly say that i have always denied that im depressed to anybody and myself. i have health worries/fears that i hold responsible but i know deep down that it is the whole way that i live that provides the perfect habitat for my depression. i see no way out of it and the only way to tackle it is to act like a zombie to everything you come across. i feel like an idiot because you cant seem to remember anything and a fool because u wont/cant do anything about it.the main reason that makes me jus accept it and ride the rollercoaster is that i believe if i knew for definite that nothing could be done about my problems then i would take drastic action. im not likely to hurt myself as id see it as cowardice but i may masquerade it as anger and drive myself to insanity.what the future holds for me who knows…il jus take it one day at a time…optimism tells me that i should still have hope but my mind still tells me that theres no hope and this is as good as it gets.i have missed out on so much over the years because i jus cant get the drive and motivation and i hate myself for it.im 20 now and iv felt depressed for the last four years. nobody really cares outside your family but you dont want them to worry either so you try and hide it.i feel like im somethin somebody jus stepped in,i am in effect my own worst enemy and when talkin to others even if they dont like me all that much they cant hate me as much as i do.im self critical of everything i do.if i get drunk i lose this feeling and gain an almost psychotic side which id rather keep caged up.i wont ever lose my self control out of fear of what i could be capable of.turning to booze/drugs helps none.it only shrouds the truth for a while and quite frankly what is the point runnin from the truth.there is no point ending it all and thats how i think about it just out of principal.what i have is shit and i dont see it improving but why the hell should i end it and have even less going for me than i do now !!! even writing this seems pointless but if somebody else has gained from it at least i have contributed to doing something worthwhile morally.others tend to think that i dont care when i do but i probably wont show it cos i dont want to get too close and sometimes cos the drive has gone.a girl could probably help me big time but i couldnt give her what she needs physically because of complications nor mentally because im stuck in a void from reality most of the time.id be nothin but a burden and even if the girl would lovingly accept me knowing this i wouldnt wish me upon anybody…unless im gona be a credit to somebody i wont waste their time because lets face it..im a mess inside and it aint up to them to clean it.people dont want to know people who depress them because its easier not to and i dont blame them one little bit.i like to talk to people when theyre down and out, ya know when they are out of character because you have an understanding of how they are feeling and bringing them back up is easy because i have been doing it for years to try and keep myself happy. the worst thing u can do is when somebody is down is to let your own problems kick in cos then ur totally useless.people have said to me on occasions like this jokingly: ;i knew you were good for something’. i dont take it to heart cos i aint gona burden them with my worries that they just wouldnt understand.its like nobody really knows who you are because ur ashamed of yourself,frightened you might lose them and basically that they wouldnt understand because they havent endured it.
Comment by keith — 9/11/2004 @ 10:24 am
It is the black void which forms when your entire mind and soul collapse upon themselves.
Comment by Chris — 9/12/2004 @ 6:04 pm
I believe my depression may be a long-term (permanent?) side effect of taking Lupron. I think the drug did damage to my thyroid, which in turn has given me extreme mood swings (I’m gonna take a thyroid test to see). So my sadness is not constant..it comes on suddenly. I’ll be fine and suddenly things appear to slow and I become confused and walk slowly and stare ahead. Then I feel a pressure on my chest which grows and gets more painful and painful ’til it crawls up my throat and I can’t stand it anymore and I break out in sobs, hysterical, screaming, and run around the room cursing the feeling. I know when it’s happening that it’s chemically-related and I’m gonna feel better in about a half hour but it’s still SO painful, this mental pain, that it’s practically physically painful. Afterwards I calm down and still feel confused, and exhausted, and still stare ahead and it’s hard to talk. A few minutes later I’m back to normal and able to continue normal conversation like nothing has happened. Has anyone ever gotten any symptoms like that? This has been going on a year and I’m sick of taking anti-depressants but still getting “attacks” every few weeks anyway. A month ago I took an extra Lexapro during an attack (as my psychopharmacologist had prescribed) and I was rushed to the hospital because I had seizures! It turns out I had a Lexapro overdose (even though I seemed ok the other times I’d taken an extra one). The doc got me off Lexapro and I’m on Effexor now. I had an “attack” last night..not as bad as usual, but it still hurt. I’ve had panic attacks in the past and depression runs in the family (my brother overdosed on drugs and died), so my doc thinks that my serotonin level is naturally low and this makes me extra-sensitive to the hormone treatments I’ve been getting for endometriosis. If anyone has gone through something similar, please write!
Comment by gag girl — 9/14/2004 @ 5:42 pm
I feel sad today I am worried so worried four suicide attempts and as I write this I feel devoid of emotion of any feelings at all the antidepressants do this to me if I am not down and out I am racing at a million miles an hour like a leaf in a cyclone. Now the medication has made me so dead inside numb devoid of emotion that I am burning myself to see if it hurts. Now I really am losing it over the almost two years I have been living this depression I have really hit an all time low now I am really dead I can’t feel anymore. I have also realised that this feeling has been with me my entire life, I have just not acknowleged it. I have just blundered on trying to do the best I can and not let the bullies the teachers the parteners the husband my parents defeat me but now they have won, I am defeated I have just gotten the guts to go to the doctor this arvo I am going to ask him to take me off the medication. If I kill myself it won’t be any great loss to anyone and it will free my children my family my friends from the abomination that is me.
Comment by Karen — 9/15/2004 @ 1:25 am
Depression is not enjoying anything in life. Things you used to enjoy don’t do anything for you now. You don’t want to go anywhere or do anything because you know it will not be fun and at worst you will be miserable.
You are afraid to see family and old friends because they will ask you what you are doing with your life and you will have to say “nothing” or make up a lie. You avoid places where people you know might be. You never go to family gatherings.
You pray to God to give you cancer or some other disease. You stop believing in a god.
You sleep all the time or can’t sleep at all. You are in a daze all the time from sleeping too much and never fully waking up. You have horrific nightmares…either from the depression or medications or both. You wake up drenched in sweat and cold. The sheets literally look like you poured water on them. You can’t get up in the morning even though you have slept 12 or more hours. You stop going to work and just quit without notice. You don’t care about money or finances…it doesn’t seem to matter.
You suffer from intolerable, mind-numbing boredom and nothing you do can relieve it. You are bored with life and wonder if there will ever be anything more. You know you need something, like you have a yearning for something, but don’t know what or where to get it.
You don’t have the energy or desire to clean yourself. You have to take baths because you don’t have the energy to stand up in the shower that long. You can’t do simple things like mail a bill or do your taxes or a hundred other normal life things.
On the bright side, I have finally found a combination of medicines that allows me to live a somewhat normal life. The depression is still there, I can feel it like a constant presence, a monster, but the monster is being held back by a chain around its neck…this chain is very fragile and you have to constantly watch it for signs of breaking. You know it’s there and you’re scared, but it is held at bay for now, not being able to terrorize you like it used to. You know it will get loose again someday. You just have to use your mind to pretend like it’s not there. You have to let your rational mind dominate your emotional mind. The medicines let me do this to some extent.
Comment by Jamie — 9/15/2004 @ 1:38 am
Depression to Me feels like all of the experiences that I have read on this website, I wish I had come across the site sooner as I have suffered for 20 yrs +. This websit should be highlighted somehow to show fellow suffer’s they are not alone in there fit against this terribly dibilatating disease.
Comment by morgan — 9/15/2004 @ 1:44 am
Depression is……a bleak grey sky covering my world, my life. I don’t know why I want to die. I don’t know why I hate who and what I am. I don’t know why I wish I could become another person, even if just for a minute.
I don’t know why I wish I could find each and every person I’ve ever encountered in my life, and painlessly lift myself from their memories. I don’t know why I feel like such a burden to those around me, especially my family.
I don’t know why I like the darker side of things. When I get in my bad moods I rent horror movies or movies I know will have depression overtones. I listen to angry heavy metal music to flood my head with guitars and lyrics so I don’t have to think about how bad off I am.
And then there is the side of myself I really hate. The side of me that yells in my head to stop being a loser. The side of me that tries to encourage me, that tries to make me want to live. The side of me that hates this darker version of myself. It feels like a constant battle, threatening to tear me in two. One part wants me to die, and the other part won’t let me, forcing me to keep on living.
The only reason, I swear to God the only reason why I’m alive today is because of what it would do to my family. My parents wouldn’t be able to bear it. Sure, I had a decent childhood, it wasn’t perfect, I was witness to brief moments of domestic abuse as a child. I witnessed my dad slapping my mom, and then my mom hitting my dad back. I witnessed my older sister getting spanked, and me becoming hysterical as a child, sometimes me crying harder then my sister.
My parents weren’t perfect, they still aren’t, but neither am I. And my parents have been there for me in times I need them the most. I’ve been blessed with parents who would probably give their own lives for me or my sister. So somewhere in my head I see a contradiction. How can parents be so loving and kind, and yet seem willing to subject their children to moments of terror. I however try to see it from my parents point of view. To them when me and my sister were disciplined, thats what it was, discipline. My parents are older and come from the old school of raising kids, when using a razor strap or other seeming brutual implements for “discipline”.
I don’t know if these moments in my childhood are what spawned my depression. I know I have unresolved feelings regarding the whole matter. The problem is I can’t relate the whole thing here on the internet, some of it I don’t even remember and only know about some of it from recent conversations with my sister. I know my sister went through alot more which would probably border on the line of abuse.
The point of all this is that I want to move on. I want to get past it all, I want to forgive and forget. I’ve promised myself that I will do whatever it takes to make my own children feel safe, that they can come to me as a parent.
I doubt I can ever say it to my parents, but I forgive them. If for no one else then myself. I won’t carry around that kind of baggage; it only has the potential to harm me, my wife (if I ever get married, and my family if I ever have one).
I feel like I’ve gone on a tangent here. Its kind of ironic that when I get depressed, I slowly come out of it and look back on it and think “What an idiot.” about my self. It takes to much energy to be depressed, it sucks the very life out of a person. It is disease, one of the worst kinds. It can debilitate a person worse then drugs and alcohol.
I suffer from depression, I know what its like. I also know that it can be beaten, I’ve had my moments when I’m happy, the sun is shining and I’m glad to be alive. To anyone who is reading this, I have an idea of what you are going through. This right now may seem like the hardest time in your life, and it may very be. If your reading this right now, that means your still alive. If your still alive, then some part of you, of your soul isn’t ready to die yet.
Don’t give in. I know what I’m saying sounds easy, and impossible to ever do. Even I have my days when I don’t even get dressed or showered. My life is a mess because of depression. I’m 24, in college, and I’m overweight and I hate myself. But I’m slowly working to fix that, to become the person I want to be.
My advice, “In action there is hope.” Depression debilitates by sucking every ounce of energy, motivation and ambition out of people. You can fight it, and you can win. In action there is hope. Think about it. By doing something, anything, you are loosening depressions grip on you. In action there is hope.
I’m no medical professional, and my advice might not be worth the bits of information it takes to display my text here on this website. But listen to me, or to someone else. The next time your feeling depressed, think of one thing you haven’t done that day. Try reversing your thinking. Think to your self “I Can!” I can get showered, I can get out of bed, I can get dressed. I can get the mail, I can clean my apartment, I can wash my car. I can talk to someone, I can introduce myself to someone. I can have a conversation…..
I hope this message can help at least one person. Depression is a cancer, a cancer that eats away at our souls. Depression tries to make it impossible to love yourself, to even like your self. Depression inspires fear. It can inspire such fear that people don’t even leave their homes. And once depression has taken hold, it seems nigh impossible to ever break free.
I am one of those people that has to do that in my head everday. I have to reverse my thinking and get in that “I can…” mode every day. I’m not where I want to be, but I think I’m slowly getting there. I think it has to be better then suicide. Trust me, I’ve thought about suicide enough to know how much of a relief it would seem like. I’ve thought about it enough to have planned out some scenarios in which to carry it out.
Suicide is not an answer. Its a permenant way to run away from your problems. I haven’t commited suicide because I know what it would do to my family. But another major reason why I haven’t is because I’m scared. I’m scared of living, and I’m scared of dying. I’m scared of how I might die, I’m also scared of what’s on the other side. Is there a God? Is there anything on the other side for us? Or what if this life that we have, this time we all have right now is it. Once you die your done. You punch your ticket, they lower your coffin in the ground, and your body starts to decompose.
God its hard to type all this, I’m half tempted to just delete it and forget I ever saw this website.
Depression is very real, and whoever has it knows how much it sucks. Please, please please please please anyone that reads this. I know you are thinking you’ve reached the end. That tomorrow is going to be just like today, so why bother getting out of bed. Why bother going to sleep in the first place. I beg of you, if not for yourself then for me, or for the pain of someone else if they lose you. Talk to someone, anyone. For every reason you think of not to live, there is an equally and just as profound reason for you to stay alive. Its hard, I know it is. I’ve been there and I’m still there. But I plead with you. Stop before doing anything you might regret, or end up doing something you can’t take back.
This is the world we live in, and it can be a pretty crappy world most of the time. Life isn’t fair, bad things happen to good people for no reason….if you believe in God then there alot of things going on in the world that seem to prove that God is dead or God just dosen’t care anymore.
I hope I get through to someone with this message. Stay alive. Don’t give up, don’t quit. Press on, get up, get showered, go to that job you hate, but go to it. And reverse your thinking. Tell yourself “I Can…!” “There hope in action!” Let that become your life, keep yourself busy. Accomplish one thing today that you didn’t do yesterday. For me, sometimes thats getting out of bed and getting showered.
I’m not sure why I typed all this, part of it is because I just write, on and on and on when I get depressed. I never know what direction its going to take. To anyone who reads this, I reiterate with all the emphasis possible, suicide is not an answer. Get help, talk to someone, go to a counselor. There’s a reason we have counselor’s, they are trained to help people deal with their emotions. They can diagnose you, and can prescribe medication if your case is serious enough. Depression is a disease, and its not your fault for feeling like this. You can fight this, you dont’ have to feel this way all the time. GET HELP!!!!!!!!!
Comment by Matt — 9/15/2004 @ 1:46 am
I can’t seem to figure out what to do. I live my wasted life and wish that it would all just go away. I can’t see anything in my future, I have nothing to contribute to anything, I can’t get past being totally empty, and to top that off, my wrists are all scarred and I’ve forgotten my reason to live…
Comment by Jona — 9/15/2004 @ 3:58 am
I look at myself in the mirror and am disgusted by what I see. I can’t hold down a job for any amount of time. I’m afraid to leave my house and don’t really have the energy even if I wanted to. I haven’t got any friends and I hate to upset my family, so I guess that’s why I am posting this. I feel pathetic and useless and it won’t go away. I’ve given up on getting help because I’ve tried everything and things have just gotten worse. I’ve seriously attempted suicide twice now. Is it an oxymoron for the hopeless to hope that next time I try, I hope to get it right?
Comment by Gwen — 9/15/2004 @ 4:41 am
Depression, the doom and gloom of life. My whole sytem is set on slow. I can only see the dark side of life and self destruction. Being alone constantly because I dont know what to say to people any more. What happened to the person who was always out there talking, socialising, living life? Now a broken shell is all thats left. Now its just me and my depression and the compulsive eating.
Comment by CAS — 9/15/2004 @ 7:18 pm
Depression is the worst human disease, it kills souls, good souls. I kind of knew I had it but after reading this website I am sure. Life feels so empty and my soul so dead…the worst thing is that nobody understands and you need somebody with infinite pure love to touch and light up the depths of your soul. But there are few people left like that in the world, and it makes me cry because I want to be saved, but I dont think I can do it myself. I wonder why God does this, and sometimes i do totally give up on him. People can come up with anything they want Karma or any other theory, but in the end its not gonna stop us hurting. I wish i could find love because I know thats the cure for me. It feels like I havent lived for a long time.
Comment by Ajmal — 9/15/2004 @ 7:40 pm
For me, the biggest fear in my depression is that everyone will find out how crazy I am. Because I feel like everything has seeped out of me. I don’t want to be around my husband, but I can’t imagine being on my own. Nothing is the same from second to second. When I try to describe how I feel, it changes before I finish a sentence. I’ve never considered suicide (at least not consciously), but sometimes I’m so tired in my soul that I just want everything to stop.
Comment by Deb — 9/15/2004 @ 10:02 pm
Everyday is pain to me, I feel so alone. I remember when I had good friends and used to have hope. Now I have no hope for anything. Nothing in the world seems important any more,I throw away the money in my wallet and feel nothing. I cannot remember the last time I was happy for more than a minute. What’s the point of living if every day is going to be this hard. I dont know what to do, why is this shit happening to me
Comment by Daniel — 9/16/2004 @ 11:37 am
I have only suffered from depression a few times in my life. For some reason I was able to fight it, and my life returned to normal, but I must admit that I still remember how difficult the fight was… it was like I could see this grey blanket hovering above me and it somehow comforted me, I wanted to wrap myself up in it lie down and go to sleep, just forget about the world and it’s problems. That was the part that kept me away from it, it was the scariest thing, and it was so difficult to get away from that greyness. I came to your website not because of that, but because my fiance committed suicide 10 days ago. I am trying to understand everything, knowing that I will never get all the answers, but hoping I will at least be able to understand more about depression. He was such a wonderful person, none of his family, friends, co-workers, or myself knew that he was fighting an internal battle. I had noticed that he was losing weight, that he was forgetful, and I thought it was unusual that he stayed away from me for 10 days before committing suicide (of course I’m in Florida and his excuse seemed real, he said he was helping his father cut trees and repair damage to his home from the hurricane… there was no damage to his fathers home, the whole time my fiance was sitting at home alone, just sinking lower and lower). I saw him two days prior to his death. He called to say that he had just gotten home from his dads and was looking forward to a nice hot shower. I told him I was just taking a hot peach cobbler out of the oven and asked if he wanted some, he said no… he was dirty and needed a shower. I went ahead and put the peach cobbler in a dish and called him to let him know I was bringing it over, he said not to hurry too much because he was a mess and his home was a mess. I walked through his home, and it was messy alright, he had pulled a saw up to the front door, I guess to make it look like he really had been out working. I didn’t think he looked that dirty, and he didn’t smell swetty, but I didn’t really question anything, told him that I knew he was wanting to rest and I wouldn’t keep him long, just wanted to bring the cobbler by and say hi, then I left. He kissed me hard and maybe that should have triggered that something was wrong, but he was like that so I didn’t think anything about it. He called me to let me know that he had enjoyed the cobbler and he was about to get some much needed rest. I thought he had to be at work early in the morning, and that he had been at work that week, but I later learned that he had called in sick each day and there was no storm damage to his fathers home, his father hadn’t seen him in 3 weeks. In his letters to me he apologized for the lies, said he couldn’t stand to be around anyone, hadn’t been able to eat anything that week, but did manage to get down the cobbler. He said that when we were together he had smiled and laughed but they were all forced, he didn’t feel happiness at all, he was in complete and total misery. He didn’t take any medication, didn’t turn to anyone for help, never confided in anyone that there was even a problem. I have since learned that he battled this his entire life from time to time, and his journals show just how difficult that battle was. I hope that anyone reading this understands that your friends, family, loved ones would never consider it a burden to try and help you. I always considered him a blessing in my life, and I definitely would have supported him, done anything to help him get over that horrible phase, if only he had shared with me that there was a problem. The burden isn’t in helping someone overcome a problem… that actually allows a blessing in both lives, but the burden is in trying to deal with the after effects of his death. His children don’t understand, they blame themselves, his father, his co-workers, everyone is hurting right now, thinking that there was something said or done that should have triggered a response from someone that he needed help… but no one saw it. I hope that this makes sense. I’m probably not in the best state of mind here, you would think that I would be suffering from depression right now, but I’m not… I’m too busy trying to help his family and friends deal with this, and at the same time I’m trying to focus on the 5 years of wonderful times that we shared together. They were awesome, wouldn’t trade in one of those memories for anything in the world, and I’m hoping that after this maybe I’ll be a better person and recognize the next person who is suffering, maybe help them recover. Anyway… I’m thankful for your website and I hope you don’t mind hearing from a person who isn’t suffering from depression, just attempting to understand it. Your website was very informative.
Comment by Mary — 9/20/2004 @ 10:18 am
Depression is basiclly like drowning. You somehow believe that the way you feel is because of something or many things that you’ve done. You feel worthless, so you must be worthless. To not believe you are what you feel seems illogical or impossible. You seek to either escape the feelings somehow or you try to do something (some great achievement)that in your mind will rid the cause of misery. This is where the drowning occurs. The problem is that it is a circular trap. When you seek to escape the feelings, you actually end up making yourself worse(Drinking,drugs, etc). Trying to do or achieve something that you think will make you feel good about yourself is a dead end because in the end, it’s never good enough, and this leaves you feeling even more worthless. This cycle just keeps repeating itself over and over until you are just drained. You then feel and become numb and isolated. It’s safe, but cold and lonely. Anger builds up because no one understands how you feel, yet you are scared to share these feelings with anyone because you believe that being accepted by others is the only thing that matters and that it will make you happy. The last thing you want is to be a burden on people, especially since you feel so guilty for every wrong you’ve committed against anyone else. It’s feeling like a hypocrite to seek help and love. Depression is the inability to be loved and to accept love. Without love, we are all bankrupt, and as good as dead.
Comment by Chris Y — 9/20/2004 @ 10:51 am
Depression feels like mom and dad don’t love the loser i am. Like little sister is watching big sister slowly die. Like my husband either doesn’t want to know or is to blind to see my heart screaming for just one unasked for hug. It is just giving in to my heart and head saying i am nothing.
Comment by Vanessa — 9/21/2004 @ 7:10 pm
To me, depression is a relatively new thing. I think (I am always trying to self-diagnose) I have an anxiety disorder, which in turn leads to depression because this is how it works for me:
I am going along, happy and fine, and all of a sudden a darkness surrounds me. I feel the panic attack coming, and even though I know it is simply a chemical gone awry, it does not lessen the fear. I lose my appetite, and things make me nervous that seem utterly ridiculous. I get scared about talking to my fiance, cause I think he will think I am acting crazy or something. I am scared to be around my 11 month old daughter cause I am scared she will sense my tension and somehow it will seep into her and wreck her world. I usually go to stay with my mother, who is very supportive, and start taking zoloft. Usually within 2 weeks, I am fine and myself again, and I even forget how it felt at all. I feel silly, like I overreacted or something. Then I get stupid and decided that I am okay, I don’t need the zoloft and I go off of it. Then after a few weeks, or months, it starts all over again. This has happened 5 times in the past 6 years, and each time it has been because I was not on zoloft. This time, however, it has been more difficult. I am going on day 22 of this, the racing heart, the waking at 6 am every day wprrying about how I am going to feel today, the feeling that I am a bad mother, worthless, the lack of appetite, the dry mouth, the not knowing if I am ever gonig to feel like myself again. I feel like a burden on everyone, my mother, my stepdad, my sister who also suffers from depression, and my fiance, but I know in the rational part of my mind that they are all willing to wait with me, to do anything they can to help me feel better again. All I want is for the zoloft to begin working. I want myself again.
Comment by Sabrina — 9/21/2004 @ 8:28 pm
It filters through my consciousness like watery spheres of velvet blue
creating devastating images that tear through my heart
echoing shrill notes that kill my belief and deafens the truth
Alert I seek alternate routes that may leave me unhardened and with a shred of decency
yet still I find despair rapping on my chamber door.
it is the beast that kills and somehow thrills me
Arriving at the end of my destruction
I have found that there is more an alternate
And a reason to go forward
I have simulated an ordeal for myself to overcome
Try if you will to lure me aboard
I would hock my mind, body and soul
For one moment when in tyme when I did not feel, that my very existence was indeed a crime.
Festive in this farce of giving face
Devout in living the lies my conscience screams to abominate
Heaven forbid one folly to air
Tedious adversities bring me down
Swallow the lump there is a bigger nut that has to be found
As I consume my load how bitter the pill of dire consequence becomes
Rigorous desertion of physical contact
Denial the culprit
Mocking second chances that don’t come back
Previous errors of ways away
Mirror their images in my memory night and day
Canvassing hopes that I seek for a better life
One damn day when something I want goes right
There is no one here to listen to these words
No one to call me absurd’
So here I sit with fantasia all around
Not one being in sight who gives a damn…
Comment by islescarlett — 9/23/2004 @ 1:00 am
Well…these days I feel really depressed.I did a test and it showed that I have severe depression.I’m 15 but I’m thinking of ways to commit suicide.I start crying suddenly when I think of my life,which is not bad,but I hate it.I want to go to a psycologist to get better,but my mom aviods it-I don’t know why-and that makes me even worse.I’m so desperate.I’m so lonely.When I’m at school,I don’t show it,I try to be happy.My friends have no idea what I’m going through.I know I can kill myself and I may do it.
Comment by Kat — 9/23/2004 @ 3:46 pm
its been almost three years ever since i have been low and down in dumps…though i am under medication for the past two months but still nothing seems right…i hate t go to the doctors coz i feel that they dont and cant really feel my pain and the hurt. my parents keep telling me to cheer up and that its because of my own mindset that i am so depressed , my friends dont know anything about this coz i hide it well in front of them. i feel so lonely and shattered that nothing but suicide comes to my mind. i am always so irritated and restless, it makes me want to run away somewhere….far away from my parents, my friends and everyone else .
Comment by amanda — 9/24/2004 @ 2:45 am
Depression is when you loose all fear of death, because death is no longer something to be feared. It is something to be sought out. You wish to let this cage of flesh die so that you can be no more.
It is when you really hope that there is no life after death so that you can finally rest. It is when you study evolutionary arguements because you want to believe that there is no God and thus no afterlife. I do not under any circumstance want to live forever. I would chose oblivion over some Christian Heaven any time. There is no way I could be around myself that long. I don’t even really want to live to be thirty.
The only hope is alcohol. It is the world’s true lord and saviour, in which I have placed all of my trust. Nothingness is far better then the dull eternal ache of conscious thought and awareness. Give me a couple of fourties of bad tasting but potent liquor and I’ll be as close to good as I can get.
My bi-polar disorder lets up on rare occasions, allowing myself brief periods of giddy delusion in which I start to believe the lies about hope again. The highs are scary in a way because you always know that the darkness is about to blindside you again at any damn moment and drag you back into the depths of the infinite abyss.
I am the midst of a long low period. One of the longest I have ever had. I haven’t been able to do anything more complicated then dragging myself to my bullshit job at Wendy’s and lying around drinking and watching TV. Sometimes I convince myself to exercise, in hopes that I can summon up some kind of biological high from it. But I haven’t gotten a pump from lifting weights in years. I just do it because I figure I might as well be beautiful on the outside in order to make up for the fact that I am a rotting skeleton emotionally. It doesn’t really work though. I desperately want to write something too. I can’t come up with even the simplest story now, I used to have so many ideas.
I am rotting away in this place. Someday it will be over, someday I will feel the merciful release of death’s scythe. But it won’t be this day. I will soldier on until I finally collapse. Writing this eased the weight alittle, but not very much.
Comment by Devin J Kuberski — 9/25/2004 @ 1:16 am
I FEEL LIKE IM TRAPPED! its a no win situation for me and i dont feel theres anything to keep me alive. Im only young but yet i’ve felt like this from the age of 8. No-one seems to appreciate what i do for them and just take me fore granted. I odnt know whether in reality this is all happening but thats what my head and heart is telling me. I wonder why things are the way they are and why a starving child in Africa should have just taken my place, because they deserve it more than me. They can have done something better with it, then write how much they hate it. I love all my friends and family but dont like them the most of the time. I HATE SCHOOL, THAT’S THE WORST THING IN MY LIFE, BECAUSE ALL THEY TELL ME IS THAT THEY’RE ALL THERE FOR ME WHEN IN ACTUAL FACT THEY LIE. One of my teachers has got a personal thing with me and keeps on lying and i get in trouble for it, because the rest of the teachers take their word over mine without even giving me a word in edgeways. They say this an ursuline school (catholic) but yet they’re injustice and one of the ten commandment said ‘do not lie’ but yet one of the peoples who supposed to be setting me the example is doing the complete opposite. Anyway gotta go now, 4th period!!!! Good luck everyone, fot the future!!!!
Comment by Ashleigh — 9/29/2004 @ 8:14 am
I have not experienced depression, but my 16 year old cousin has a mild case of it. And for a psychology paper I have decided to research Depression. Your testimonials have helped me to understand it better! \
THANKS!! Katie Doughty
Comment by Katie — 9/29/2004 @ 1:07 pm
Depression feels like I am living my life as a prisoner…a prisoner of my own mind…
Comment by Maddie — 9/29/2004 @ 3:22 pm
My scream is a silent echo within an orchard with fruits of stone.
Walls of the highest granite entomb me within its grey shroud.
No stone ever crumbles, no gaps ever let in light.
I can see greyness above, speckles of drizzling rain, tears of time confined within the cages of each second.
Is it sky above? Is it earth below?
My tears are falling grains of sand into an ocean of the desert.
Nowhere in sight upon this boat, winds of howling wolves attack.
Directions changing with the waves, trying to grasp each grain of sand.
A frost is creeping up me like a serpent of fire, I know my boat is sinking.
My anger is an explosion without destruction.
Roaring rivers of blood red fire snaking into the eye.
Piercing my inner thoughts and wrapping its tentacles around my heart.
It’s galloping up my spine, I’m emerged within it’s waters.
I’m clawing to break free, then I finally go under…
Comment by Debbie — 9/29/2004 @ 3:57 pm
IT MAKES YOU ISOLATE YOURSELF FROM THE WORLD BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE AROUND ANYONE AND YOU RESENT OTHERS JUST FOR BEING NORMAL BECAUSE YOU WILL NEVER BE. YOU FEEL FORGOTTEN ABOUT , IGNORED AND JUST UNDESERVING OF ANYTHING ELSE.
Comment by KELLY — 9/30/2004 @ 1:08 pm
I feel like the Universe, God, whatever, literally hates me and wants to push me into killing myself. The only thing that gets me by is my closest friend, (hey John), and the overwhelming desire to do my best and then give the Universe a big middle finger.
My advice is this: get your closest friends together, let them know what’s up, and come up with plans to deal with it with as much love as possible. A giant hug works for me…er, for a few minutes anyway.
Matt
Comment by matt — 10/1/2004 @ 1:41 am
I have two kids and I love them dearley. I have been depressed since 2001 and have attempted suicide once .The worst mistake I made was to even attempt it (its not the easy way out it leaves everyone scard). It just left everyone around me including me totaly confused. It was the pain of 3 years of stuggle in my own mind. Not knowing who Iam anymore or what Iam. I have been taking the medication but just dosent make the pain/confusion any better. I have lost the fight inside to get up live/excersise/work . I have no motivation for anything. The things I used to love I now hate. But I will never let suicide be an option again it wasnt right the first time and it wont be any time.
There is “HOPE” for everyone wether it be a friend or family member or even a work collegue (they all helped me) turn to them when you are feeling at your lowest let them know how you are feeling.
Comment by Gav — 10/1/2004 @ 10:37 am
depression is hell on earth…
Comment by Riwa — 10/2/2004 @ 7:58 pm
Today I feel like I don’t want to see tomorrow, tomorrow never comes so they say, but I wish today never came. I have been feeling up down confused stressed alone and unhappy, I have realised that I have felt this way my entire life, now enough is enough. I have a problem with giving up though so the pain lingers eating me from the inside out, the demons inside me are running rampage I want to run to scream to bang my head against the wall to lose total control although I have been burning myself for relief, I just want to drive into oblivian leave the pain the emptiness, the worthlessness, the hopelessness, the guilt, the family have had enough I have had too much, after four attempts at dying, I have been saved by well meaning but meddling people. I hate my world I hate my life I can’t stop trying for the sake of the mere fact I can’t just give up even though I so desparately need to. The demons the blackness the black poison in my brain the need to cry a million zillion trillion tears leaves me feeling like I am being eaten from the inside out. I know I won’t see Christmas my family will be the better for the end of me. I owe my friend a holiday we have booked, a friend who has dragged me out when I have wanted to crawl under the covers has picked me up after trying to gas myself in my car has found me on the beach after taking all my freedom pills, has put up with the mood swings the agitation the crap that I have given them over the last year. She needs this holiday I need this holiday I owe her that much. Then I can clear my conscience and have eternal peace or burn in Hell or am I already dead and in Hell it feels like it. The jokes on me I’m already dead and am such a bad person that Hell for me is not being able to sleep forever as I wish but to battle on with this vast emptiness that is my world. I am a ghost, I am alone, I have tortured my family enough, and I can’t stand what I was what I am and what I have become. There is only one solution.
Comment by Isolated — 10/3/2004 @ 2:32 am
When I’m “UP,” it’s like a raging storm – a tornado that I am inside – and it is inside of me. Unpredictable in strength and length of time.
Sometimes it is too fierce to harness the energy. I can’t keep up with it.
Sometimes I can hold the power of it, and have such enlightenment and productivity.
I TRY to ride the storm, not let it consume me – I already know the damage it can do.
But this has been going on for so long. I am getting very tired of fighting to keep the mask on for the world, so everyone thinks that I am ‘normal,’ when I know the truth. It gets harder each time. My strength, or desire?, gets weaker. Or the storm gets stronger?
It is exhausting, once it’s over – whatever the case.
It used to be useful and I looked forward to the high energy. Lately, it almost feels like fingers on a chalkboard ~ and I want – need – to get away from it. IT’S TOO MUCH. THIS scares me. If I can’t enjoy this, can’t FEEL this, WHAT WILL I HAVE LEFT??
This thing consumes me — I think only of myself.
The “LOW” times. I can’t describe the low times unless I am there – and then, have no desire to describe… someone (a doctor) asked me to “try.” So….
I can’t find my way. It’s dark. Thick, dark clouds.
I fear I will be lost forever.
Too much noise inside my mind.
Once I felt connected.. to something.
I still feel it- something, but it’s getting farther away. I try to reach for it, and then forget what I’m even doing.
I am frightened.
I HATE having to be involved. It takes too much effort – effort that drives me crazy that I never have – because I’m LAZY. Only, I’m not lazy. I’m TIRED. All the time. This thing, this depression, takes all of my energy. And all of the ACTING – pretending like I’m “OK” for everyone, is draining.
But I want to be involved. I WISH I could be. But if I try to get involved, “they’ll” get too close ~ and then they’ll hate me like I hate me. They’ll get sick of my excuses of why I can’t do something or come with them “this time” AGAIN.
I wish I had a core.
I don’t.
Or I don’t recognize it if I do.
is anyone listening?
the cars go by – I can hear them outside.
they don’t know I am here.
they know someone may be here.
but what does it matter WHO.
I look around the room.
Everything reminds me of something.
and each thing has a story – in my mind.
Seems most of the stories are painful – or lonely.
I told ‘him’ that he was lonely and always would be, because he didn’t know how not to be…..
How would I know that unless it was ME who was already that person…
I want to drink – or something – until I am in the place of no feeling.
Or where it seems that everything feels good -
Where Good & Bad is acceptable.
Numbness allows you to think.
Think about things without feeling the judgment.
I can cry then – but at least then, I am able to cry.
To not be able to smile or even cry is hell – very deep – so deep it is painful – so painful it is forever.
I want to work so hard, physically, that I don’t think or feel.
If only I had a real, total talent for SOMETHING – anything – I could be consumed with it and all THIS might be blocked out – for a spec of time, at least.
Feels like being in mud, and you finally get so tired – moving in thick, drying cement that you know is going to harden, that you just stop – stay still – it will go away and not hurt if you stay still enough for long enough.
I want to be alone. In my room. In my bed. No light, no one to see you, no one to hate you, no one to hurt you. Soft bed. Quiet stillness.
I think of ‘getting out of here.’ Death. It is the only way out of here, isn’t it? But WHERE is out of here??? And nothing I do HERE make THIS go away. So what makes me think that getting out of HERE, and going to who knows where, is going to make THIS go away? NOBODY actually knows what happens after we die. I want to believe in the teachings of my Christian heritage (which, of course, rules out suicide – yet another thing to struggle with). I admire the people who have true faith. And for those who think that there is NOTHING after death, well, at least they have THAT. So, I’m trapped. Too afraid to take THAT ride into the unknown – even in my manic mood, when I feel very adventurous. As awful as this all is, and as close as I come to doing it when I’m in some states of mind, there’s something that keeps me hanging onto this life. Only God – and I do mean God – knows what or why. And in my prayers, I’ve cried and pleaded for answers. Being so ashamed of myself for feeling so sorry for myself – when there are things that seem like they could be so much more terrible. EXCEPT this IS terrible, too. Why am I not aloud to feel like this IS terrible?
Then, when I’m actually having feelings, they are so fragile that I break at the slightest pressure, and they are so close to the surface that I get shaky and weepy at everything – because it seems like everything is against me.
BBB (blah, blah, blah)
Comment by Pam — 10/3/2004 @ 4:27 pm
In the summer of 2002 I completely lost my mind. Depression is like a slow mind water torture, it will break a person. But it can also be beaten and trust me when you get better your better then ever. Depression drove me to the brink of almost…. Trust me all you people suffering no matter how bad your head is going crazy inside it does get better. Im beating it and so can all of u.. Its hard, but trust me dont give up when u get through it.. U have a new LIFE… TRUST ME………
Comment by Jamie Mckendry — 10/4/2004 @ 1:57 am
Depression feels like drowning. I have that feeling, like the world suddenly crumbles down and you don’t know what to do to put the pieces back together. When you imagine the future it seems kind of blurry, you really dont know whats gonna happen to yourself, everything seems really confussing. You feel like if your loved ones have left you all alone, the days pass either extremely slow or extremely fast the color depends on every person for example i see the days in a brown color others see them gray. You really dont have the mood to do things that you used to do, you dont see a point in doing them because is not going to take away the pain. Sometimes there’s a feeling of hating everything and everyone who surrounds you and you often aske this question….whats gonna happen to me?…that is one of the most awful feelings in the world…its really frustrating when your future looks pretty uncertain. I imagine depression as really heavy weight inside the head, your movements and thoughts are slower and sometimes you cant find the reason to get up everymorning, you often imagine yourself as another person. Sometimes what we think is really going to make us happy is just a way of denying and not being able to handle the real problem with ourselves. Everyday looks like a never ending record, it just keeps playing over and over again. You just know that the days have passed when you look at other people. Being depressed is like feeling empty inside, you feel an unfulfilled desire of being loved and protected, its almost like ME against the world. Of course i think most of the people who have felt depression in a certain time of their life have thought about suicide, you think that is going to take the pain away and it looks really tempting when you just want to throw everything away and just look for a place were you can finally find peace. I’ve considered suicide in my past depressions but i really think that there’s someone in the world thats waiting for me to love me, and theres a place full of people that constantly say that the love you and that they will always be there to support you, the only problem is to find them. And i think that sometimes you dont need other people to get out of depression i mean a friend is always good but i mean if you are on your own you just need to grab your balls and deal with the problem, although i should have done that a long time ago, but i really dont feel encouraged or have tha energy to do it. It sucks when you are just waiting for something and never comes, you just see the days pass like cars on the freeway and when you least notice you have lost many opportunities you just need to be aware of them and your dreams can happen. Im not really in the position of giving any advice because i havent figured yet a way of getting out of this hole that sometimes lets me out for a little while and then it sucks me right back in. i saw this website and i thought that is always good to see the opinion of other people who have kind of the same problems that i have. But its true, depression is quite a bitch and it wont let us out until we want it to, i think that you just need to find a reason to live, it really hard when you look at everything that surrounds you and you cant find something to live for. I just hope that this depression affecting me and all of you dissapears quickly, just find a reason to live that really haves meaning, and dont hold on to things, just listen to your heart and take some time to think before do something. Life is a beautiful thing eventhough sometimes give us a really hard time.
Comment by MIKE — 10/4/2004 @ 5:35 am
Depression is a process.
Depression is boredom.
Depression is pain.
Depression is a motive.
Trying to push you over the edge to feel the relief that suicide will bring.
Depression is against you. The whole world is against you. So give in.
Comment by Nobody — 10/4/2004 @ 10:05 am
Non-depressed husbands, wife’s, boyfriends, girlfriends and relatives have a problem understanding depression. My sister for example tries to understand what I’m going through, but can’t relate to the things I say. “Being trapped in my head” and “being slow in thought”, are expressions a lot of people on this site have mentioned, so I will try and explain how this feels so that a non-depressed person can experience what depression feels like. Follow these simple instructions.
Take a book, any book it really doesn’t matter, open it at any page and read the first few lines of the book. Then place the book on a coffee table or somewhere where you can see it.
Later on tonight, go to bed as per normal, switch off all the lights in the house and set the alarm for about 60 minutes time.
Drift off to sleep.
When the alarm goes off, get up, DO NOT switch any of the lights on, put your hands behind you back and try and find your way to the book without touching the walls for guidance. When you reach the book, pick it up and try and read the words.
What did you notice in doing this exercise?
Did you feel dazed and sleepy and not really with it?
Was your thought pattern slow?
Did you walk down the stairs or through the house in the same brisk manner you would have done if the lights were on – probably not!
Were your movement slow, each step careful and unsure because you don’t know where the next step was or if you will trip over something?
Did you want to reach out for the wall or banister for guidance and reassurance or put your hands in front of you and feel your way around the house?
Did something that would have taken only a couple of seconds now seem to last forever?
Did you bump into a wall or door?
How did it make you feel not having the lights on and trying to perform a simple task?
So what changed ? The house didn’t change, the walls and doors are in the same place, the book didn’t change and the words didn’t fall off the page, you didn’t change – the only thing that changed was not being able to see and sending those messages to your brain, but look how that has made you feel – This is what depression feels like to me.
Now think what it is like to go through this for months and months. We want to reach out for guidance and help, but it feels like our hands are tied behind our back. Each small step forward is a small goal to reaching our target of getting better, but it doesn’t happen overnight. We are the same loving people inside, caring and needed, but this illness drowns our soul and tries to trip us up and make us fall, but each time we crawl back up else we give up and stay down. We feel strange inside our own head, in the same way you feel strange walking around your house with no lights on.
We struggle with this illness day in day out, sometimes putting on a false smile to fool the world that we can “see”, but inside we are alone and fearful in the dark. When our brain becomes ill, we feel trapped in our heads, it feels like the lights are off and we are trying to find our way around in the dark. Our movements are slow, our thought patterns are all mixed up, emotions are dead, memory is lost, thoughts are negative and it seems like it will last forever. We feel empty, confused and hate the hell we are living in. Things that should be easy when we are “normal” are now difficult to do. And when we do get to where we want, reading the words from the book is like trying to make sense out of something we can’t see. It’s confusing and we need help. Medication helps us, but most of all a hug and some understanding of what we are going through is what we need.
We want someone to love us and understand us, but no-one knows what we are going through and think we should “snap out of it”, “rise above it”, “don’t be so weak and helpless” …….
We are probably the strongest people in the world, because we carry on a day at a time when “normal” people would have given up.
I hope by trying this simple exercise you will have a better understanding of this illness and how we feel inside. Please understand, none of us want this illness, none of us asked for it. All we ask is for non-depressed people to try and understand how it feels.
I lost a really good relationship this year and someone I really loved because I didn’t know the symptoms of depression and I ended up losing myself in my head and now feel hollow and empty. My g/f didn’t understand depression, nor did she want to try and understand it. She thought I should be able to rise above it and not be so weak. I have been through the most traumatic time of my life, and came close to ending it twice. I have slowly dragged myself out of the gutter of despair and slowly getting my confidence back through medication and therapy. If 1 non-depressed person understands the illness better after reading and trying this exercise, then I have achieved a small goal – and maybe saved someone from ending it all because they think no-one understands.
fortybutnotfaulty@lycos.co.uk
Comment by why_me — 10/5/2004 @ 10:27 am
like i am not realy there. i am somewhere else i do not know where it is but it is not hear.
like i am a burdon to the ones i love and they would do better with out me in there lives.
somes times i wonder if i am dreaming and some day i will wake up to a wonderful life where i am happy all the time.
i did drugs for a while and i thought they helped but when i quite it just made things worst. what i thought was happiness was actualy just nummness to what i realy felt. i often want to do them agien so i can escape the sadness but i love my child too much to risk lossing her. i have two realy good ideals on how to end my life but i can not hert my best friend that way ( she often tells me i am her only friend aside from her husbond).
Comment by Bob — 10/6/2004 @ 8:24 pm
depression is a fog in my head, keeping me from thinking clearly. it is a tired that sleep cannot relieve, a pain that is more insulting by the fact that it is completely pointless and endless.
depression is being hungry for something that cant be named, and hurting for that want.
depression is the head refusing to let the body move, the dark refusing to let the light in, the night refusing the day.
depression is a trick. i thought i got better. i made a life for myself. it doesnt matter that i am sucessful. it doesnt matter that i am smart. it doesnt even matter that i take my medication. depression has it out for me.
Comment by barb — 10/7/2004 @ 11:42 pm
I get really excited about a plan and then it feels like before I even start it I lose all hope that it will work. I feel stupid most of the time even though everyone tells me I am one of the most intelligent people they know. I see all of the good things that I have done in my life and my family and friends always tell me how great I am doing and it drives me crazy, I feel even worse then because I am not happy over any of these good things and the more they tell me how great my life is the more I feel ungrateful and worthless. I feel like nothing I ever do will be good enough to make me stop wanting to hurt myself. I don’t understand why I feel that way and have mostly stopped doing it, but when I feel that way and someone I love is trying to tell me how great things are for me and that they are angry with me for being so empty and pathetic, I dig my fingernails into my arms so hard they bleed, and all I think about while they are talking is cutting my legs and stomach to release some of this pain. I feel like I can’t get it out any other way, and I’m always scared to start crying because I feel like I will never be able to stop. That is how depression feels for me and I want to have hope for all of us on this page, but am mostly unable.
Comment by Jenna — 10/12/2004 @ 10:24 pm
I am 15 years old and high school is a living hell. I go to a christian school, and you would think people there would be nice. But its totally on the contrary, some of the most cruel human beings i have met go to that school. My school life is pretty much over, my teachers badger us with tons of work, and i can`t find rest in anyplace. Not even my own house, where im treated like nothing, my family has made me think that i`m a mistake. I feel like i don`t belong, like im the oddball kid. Like people dont get me, i have attempted suicide 5 times already. But i can`t go through with it and leaves me worse. But i am almost sure that rest and peace come after death, and im so sick of life, and I just want to do people a favor and leave this world.
Comment by Lymaris — 10/13/2004 @ 7:59 pm
Depression is a living hell…….Some days I feel worthless some days I feel good enough to roll out of bed………Suicide has been on my mind since day one….but I dont think I can do it nor do I truly want to deep down because I know it is wrong…though it appeals to me…….But what I hate worse than feeling worthless most of the time is the manic episodes I face day in and day out…..some last 10 min some last all day……the constant mood swings, I get irritated easily and I hurt those around me unintentionally…and it makes me feel worse after I’ve done it……The worst is I try to pretend it didnt happen and the guilt and grief I get from it make it even worse…..I find myself hitting rock bottom all the time and at the same time i’m sky rocketing doing something else……I really want to make everyone happy but the harder i try the more i seem to screw up and as time goes by the more i don’t care…….I’ve tried everything to beat it the medications that make you feel like you’re not you, the therapy that does nothing but make you feel worse, I even tried getting angry about it but yet that does absolutely nothing but anger those around me……So I’ve come to conclude that this is my chaos that i will live with hopefully.
Comment by Chaos — 10/14/2004 @ 2:44 am
depression is when you fell void.you have no perpose in life,you are just their.you fell like people just put up with you becouse they have to depression drives you crazy,for me i would imaagine blood.the thaught of my death made me smile when nothing else could.deprssion is finding every one so annoieng that you want them all to go away.depression is biend to dumb to die but to smart to live
Comment by lily — 10/15/2004 @ 1:32 pm
Depression is the worst thing possible. You can never be truly happy. Everything in the world is bad and any thought of it ever changing is hopeless. Too afraid to die and yet too afraid to live. You live in a dream-like world where you can’t enjoy simple pleasures. You feel useless, hopeless, worthless. It seems as if dying is the only way to be released from your pain and that the world would be better off without you in it. All you want is to be released from your pain but you are afraid that it is impossible. It is a hell with no release, no escape, no freedom.
Comment by Blaire — 10/15/2004 @ 6:06 pm
i am dying. and because of that i am clinically depressed. but i will be damned if i am going to die clinically depressed. we are all what we are. no better, no worse, just unique. we will be part of history. we are the present. and we have contributed to the future. and that is a good thing that can never be taken away from us. to all of you out there, shed a tear, take a deep breath, and smile, if only for once. you deserve to give yourself this before you check out. see you in heaven. my friends.
Comment by stuart — 10/16/2004 @ 11:23 am